Actually there are many contrasting things that I can describe about my observations of him, because I still want to give recognition to the good traits that he has. Say for the love for kids contrast – he would suddenly get very angry about our son’s mischief and scold him so harsh and loud and push him to ground, that even I would be shaken. And then as my son would be crying from the jolt, he would pick him and shower hugs and kisses – would keep asking the boy if he is happy now and if the boy won’t repeat hte mistake! And won’t leave the little fellow unless the boy agrees! Essentially – he misses the point of disciplining technique. He could have been more calm from the beginning and thus would not have to go to the other extreme or say sorry to the boy and insist on the boy’s speaking-up “yes dad”.

Then my son follows suit and he does the same to his toddler sis – would show temper to her harshly or push her – since that’s how he knows of how to deal with discomfort. Though this may be just childhood growing-up years.

As for financial independence – I mean, if I were to walk off – I would have the needful salary to carry on. Ofcourse I would loose the savings, but that’s not my focus, quality of life is.

But since this is not the option I am considering yet, I will go through your above cited serieas, as well as the ‘empowerment’ series and change myself accordingly. My only concern is that, while I am doing these trials, it should not become so late, that my kids are grownup copying their father’s behaviour, just like he did, copying his father’s.

Thanks

I did want to comment on some fairly glaring inconsistencies in your comments that suggest to me that you have much internal ambivalence to resolve. You say your are financially “independent” yet say that your husband has complete control over your salary. You also say that he “loves” his children but shows it in “wrong” and “forceful” ways. I can’t advise you, but it appears that there are some deep ambivalences clouding your thinking and judgment. Only you have the power to more honestly with your circumstances.

But I wonder how many walk-outs – how many times my kids in the line of fire and their wasted evenings in front of TV instead of their time-table (like food>tv>study>computer>sleep) – since their Mom’s evenings go in cleaning house, food cooking, washing, counselling father, then it’s 10pm and kids are asleep and I am too tired. I don’t even go for body-massage now since he monitor’s the expenses on CC or withdrawals.

Dr Simon, exactly for the caution shown by you, I have been wary of taking that route, since knowing his temperament, I know for sure – he won’t let go so easily – in fact I am afraid it might turn to something really ugly. That’s why even though I am independent financially and emotionally and have a very supportive family – but he loves his kids very much (though shows love in all sorts of wrong & forceful ways) – he might come after me and my family. I know he would never ever really let me take the kids. He also claims that he loves me, but never shows it in actions/words/ silent_support/ compasion_for_me (though he has a lot of it for his brother).

Since he is in control of the finances, he transfers all my salary into another joint account immediately (though he keeps the login info with himself). All the money is in that account – as we have been plannning the down-payment of a house. But we have not been able to zero onto anything yet. I don’t know if I would ever even get to buy the house that I want.

[Q] Dr Simon, I have one question – shall I keep trying? In essence – is there a remote chance (hard way) that he can become less aggresive and more polite – sees life as an endeavor to simplify things rather than making even simple things complex?

I have been reading your other posts as well – like “Doing rather than Saying”. So for example, yesterday when I was truly almost fainting (tired due to hectic several late night working for office – from home, running morn&evenings for kids to catch the field-trip bus/swimming class/at the daycare) – I finally had no strength to make the food. So much so that I had given somethings to eat to kids (before he came back from work) – they ate some – but I didn’t have the usual strength to insist on finishing. Now he comes back from work – makes a comment about why there was nothing ready when he came. I said I came only 45 mins before him (7:30 pm) and was busy with kids bath etc.. and now I am starting to make for him – but he cut me off and shouted one of those bad remarks – in front of my kids. So at this point, following Dr Simon, I said in straight voice that I will definitely not take this in front of kids – since then they will have no respect for their Mom and would revolt as grownups – and I walked out – took a half hour walk outside. When I returned he still hadn’t made anything other than eating fruits+some_junk. Kids also were still hungry and hence eating the same.

Without the walk-off – I’d have heard speeches from him and most likely I would have ended up making his food. But now what? So I keep doing this and he will learn to guard his language?

Pls throw som light on [Q] as route-out may not be there?
Thanks

Maggie, I’d like to comment on a few things you mentioned. You talk about your partner’s “need” to feel in control or to dominate. The concept of unmet underlying psychological “needs” are a remnant of traditional psychology and such concepts predispose us to viewing a person as “needy” as opposed to voracious, thus prompting us to unconsciously feel sorry for them and actually try to meet those “needs.” Not all DESIRES or WANTS are “needs.”

You also say that “nothing seems to satisfy him.” In fact, what pleases him immensely appears to be seeing others in a position by which they’re busting their backs to please him. The fact that he never expresses gratitude or allows himself to look pleased does not mean he isn’t deriving considerable pleasure from watching others scramble. “Acting” like nothing you do is good enough to merit praise or approval is a fantastic TACTIC to keep others self-doubting and under one’s thumb. And obviously in this case, the tactic is working.

Now, with respect to the advice the others have made in their comments (great comments all, by the way), I would only add that you need to be sure to have a sound safety plan and a great support system in place. A declaration of independence from you can only be regarded as both a narcissistic insult and loss of position for him. And because “position” and control is what it’s all about, most individuals like this do not take such defeats lightly. You need to be free, but you also need to be safe.

No offense but are you nuts? Get rid of him! You are doing it all now and he isn’t going to change, believe me and you have fallen for the trick of trying to please someone who cannot be pleased. For the sake of your kids, get him out of your life and theirs. I say this b/c I was in one of these with my first husband and had 2 kids and now my 28 year old son who begged me to get out of the marriage when he was ELEVEN, is like his father b/c I waited til he was 18 to divorce. I THOUGHT I was doing the right thing due to faulty programming from fundamentalist parents, which don’t even get me started on their issues, (mom is sadist for sure). With all my heart, I want you to get out of this b/c your heart will break when your children turn on you and do the same to you that he does. I’m not making this up, my son has betrayed me and become exactly like his father. Thank God my daughter saw it all and said she was NOT going to be this way. I cannot tell you how many sleepless nights I have had going through menopause and dealing with this nightmare that I didn’t understand but now must face. I so love my son and it is so hard to know that he is like his father but again, he knew he needed his father to leave and I did not have the self esteem to believe that I could do it by myself. Don’t get caught in that trap. Get help. If you are beat down b/c of family then find someone to help you and get counseling for you and the kids asap. Your smart and you are employed. You do not need this kind of man, its a very sick relationship and it will take away your life eventually if you allow it……Please go through the pain that hits you in the pit of your stomach when you are withdrawing from a toxic relationship and get it over with for you and for your precious children and pray every day that his genetics did not get to them!
Much luck to you!

Dr Simon thankyou for posting this informative piece. But can I please get more help. Since nothing seems to satisfy him. I have reading and searching for all sort of material and applying various things into our relationship – sometimes somethings work – but the basic accusation, demeaning, torture, back-breaking-manual-work, mental-agony does not seem to lessen.

I am the main bread-earner in the family in a high-end software job. I take care of kids – dropping to daycare, picking, food for family, feeding them, bathing them, housekeeping, outside errands, etc.

He earns less in a middle-management position – but he keeps demeaning me by saying that I have no power reporting position, etc – it’s endless. Now I have stopped replying to him since about a year – as I know now, that he needs to feel incontrol/supreme. He does attend to some chores – like bi-weekly groceries, weekly garbbage throwing (provided I sort out into bags) – the finances (he controls both his and my bank-account – since he wouldn’t settle otherwise).

He needs full detailed freshly cooked meal everyday – otherwise he calls me names, even though he knows that I work in time-bound pressured project deliveries from 9-6. All the children doc-appts or schoool/daycare requirements are taken care of by me. Anything that gets missed (say like a diaper that overflowed during the night – is my fault since I must not have secured it on the toddler properly – an then those name-callings come). I cannot reciprocate with the same – since I do not want to use that kind of uncivilised language.

We have been married for 7 yrs now. What shall I do please – to change him into civilised ways. Initially name-callings were more – but now are somewhat less since I do not respond and ask him politely to please use good words at least for kids sake.

Please help or guide for resources. I am ready to do all the labor while he sits with the TV – but the name-calling and no-positive-outlook, instead only-accusations – is killing me and the kids witness the aggression+badLanguage.

Any trickle of light would help me dig more deeper into making him the kind of father&husband that my kids&I deserve.

Thank you
Maggie
[He does have forever-fighting and name-calling parents and siblings; though they don't live closeby; but are often on phone with him & every call between any of them ends in a fight]