17 Responses (4 Discussion Threads) to “Understanding the Sadistic Personality”

1. 

   Maggie

   11

   4th September 2009

   Thank you Diana for showing me the picture of my grown-up son. I will think again about my planning that with some years of efforts – I can bring about some civiized way of living in him unlike his parents style of name-calling,hitting & demeaning each other.

   Dr Simon, exactly for the caution shown by you, I have been wary of taking that route, since knowing his temperament, I know for sure – he won’t let go so easily – in fact I am afraid it might turn to something really ugly. That’s why even though I am independent financially and emotionally and have a very supportive family – but he loves his kids very much (though shows love in all sorts of wrong & forceful ways) – he might come after me and my family. I know he would never ever really let me take the kids. He also claims that he loves me, but never shows it in actions/words/ silent_support/ compasion_for_me (though he has a lot of it for his brother).

   Since he is in control of the finances, he transfers all my salary into another joint account immediately (though he keeps the login info with himself). All the money is in that account – as we have been plannning the down-payment of a house. But we have not been able to zero onto anything yet. I don’t know if I would ever even get to buy the house that I want.

   [Q] Dr Simon, I have one question – shall I keep trying? In essence – is there a remote chance (hard way) that he can become less aggresive and more polite – sees life as an endeavor to simplify things rather than making even simple things complex?

   I have been reading your other posts as well – like “Doing rather than Saying”. So for example, yesterday when I was truly almost fainting (tired due to hectic several late night working for office – from home, running morn&evenings for kids to catch the field-trip bus/swimming class/at the daycare) – I finally had no strength to make the food. So much so that I had given somethings to eat to kids (before he came back from work) – they ate some – but I didn’t have the usual strength to insist on finishing. Now he comes back from work – makes a comment about why there was nothing ready when he came. I said I came only 45 mins before him (7:30 pm) and was busy with kids bath etc.. and now I am starting to make for him – but he cut me off and shouted one of those bad remarks – in front of my kids. So at this point, following Dr Simon, I said in straight voice that I will definitely not take this in front of kids – since then they will have no respect for their Mom and would revolt as grownups – and I walked out – took a half hour walk outside. When I returned he still hadn’t made anything other than eating fruits+some_junk. Kids also were still hungry and hence eating the same.

   Without the walk-off – I’d have heard speeches from him and most likely I would have ended up making his food. But now what? So I keep doing this and he will learn to guard his language?

   Pls throw som light on [Q] as route-out may not be there?
   Thanks
   • 

     Dr George Simon, PhD

     11.1

     4th September 2009

     Maggie, for various reasons I can’t give more than general guidelines. For information on the prospect for and process of change for disturbed characters, please review my series on the differences between “neurotic” and “character-disordered personalities.

     I did want to comment on some fairly glaring inconsistencies in your comments that suggest to me that you have much internal ambivalence to resolve. You say your are financially “independent” yet say that your husband has complete control over your salary. You also say that he “loves” his children but shows it in “wrong” and “forceful” ways. I can’t advise you, but it appears that there are some deep ambivalences clouding your thinking and judgment. Only you have the power to more honestly with your circumstances.
2. 

   Maggie

   12

   4th September 2009

   One note – I could go out for the walk – since now (since about a year) he does not block my way or do anything physically (unlike before) – as one day after the physical abuse – I had gone and talked to his PCP and his Cardiologist and let them know – to treat him accordingly – since his health problems are half due to anger. And later I had also let him know subtly that his Docs know about our relationship issues. Since then he knows to refrain and also I keep my distance when walking-off (making sure that I am much closer to the door than him). Also due to various readings now I try not to bring threat in my voice/words – only reasonings (like sited above ragrding kid’s revolt).

   But I wonder how many walk-outs – how many times my kids in the line of fire and their wasted evenings in front of TV instead of their time-table (like food>tv>study>computer>sleep) – since their Mom’s evenings go in cleaning house, food cooking, washing, counselling father, then it’s 10pm and kids are asleep and I am too tired. I don’t even go for body-massage now since he monitor’s the expenses on CC or withdrawals.
3. 

   Maggie

   13

   4th September 2009

   Dr Simon, I will again go through the series on “neurotic” vs “character-disordered personalities, with more focus. Thanks for the pointer.

   Actually there are many contrasting things that I can describe about my observations of him, because I still want to give recognition to the good traits that he has. Say for the love for kids contrast – he would suddenly get very angry about our son’s mischief and scold him so harsh and loud and push him to ground, that even I would be shaken. And then as my son would be crying from the jolt, he would pick him and shower hugs and kisses – would keep asking the boy if he is happy now and if the boy won’t repeat hte mistake! And won’t leave the little fellow unless the boy agrees! Essentially – he misses the point of disciplining technique. He could have been more calm from the beginning and thus would not have to go to the other extreme or say sorry to the boy and insist on the boy’s speaking-up “yes dad”.

   Then my son follows suit and he does the same to his toddler sis – would show temper to her harshly or push her – since that’s how he knows of how to deal with discomfort. Though this may be just childhood growing-up years.

   As for financial independence – I mean, if I were to walk off – I would have the needful salary to carry on. Ofcourse I would loose the savings, but that’s not my focus, quality of life is.

   But since this is not the option I am considering yet, I will go through your above cited serieas, as well as the ‘empowerment’ series and change myself accordingly. My only concern is that, while I am doing these trials, it should not become so late, that my kids are grownup copying their father’s behaviour, just like he did, copying his father’s.

   Thanks

The comment form is currently closed.