Comments on: Understanding the Aggressive Personalities

By: Meta

Meta — Thu, 23 Jul 2009 15:19:57 +0000

I have a similar problem with my boyfriend who has been trying to get me depressed and also trying to dominate the whole of my life. He says the days of woman support are over and will not support a woman who would bring nothing to the relationship besides good home nurturing skills and sex. His basic idea is a woman must also bring bread to the table.

He wants me to loose a lot of myself for him but he point blank told me he can never change to appease a woman and one cannot change people so I should never expect any change from him.

He has an ex who has 3 kids with him and still does things together with her though not without kids but I sometimes do not feel comfortable about that.

He feels he can include her even in our outings with the kids and says he doesn’t care about how i feel towards that cos he assumes he has the final decision and i must respect his decision as his partner.

I am from a different culture, society and barely know anything much about his early years but such behavior has got me thinking he was probably a trailer trash when he was younger and that could be why he is so aggressive.

I am so bothered about this cos I love him so much and do not want to lose him. He tells me he loves me too but my problem is he doesn’t in any ways show me that he actually loves me.

[Editor's Note: This comment has been altered slightly from its original form.]

By: Mario

Mario — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 09:12:09 +0000

I’ve been having a similar problem with my wife. She’s been trying to dominate and humiliate me right from the beginning of our marriage 3 years ago. These include: remaining with her mother after marriage to date (she got pregnant immediately/I work late, she needs her mother’s help in looking after the child, etc.), refusing to prvide me with meals, chasing me out of the house, refusing to do housework, threatening the child, refusing to have sex, spreading stories that I am impotent/deviant/alcoholic, informing the police that I do not give her money to run the home, etc. She has also managed to extract a sizable monthly payment from me and has been trying to increase the amount.

We are currently consuling a psychiatrist who has determined that she has an ‘aggressive personality’. She has refused to take medication or do the prescribed exercises. Meanwhile, my son, aged 2, and I are going through hell. Hope the madness ends sometime soon.

By: Susan

Susan — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 22:36:01 +0000

I was out one evening with my friend and her husband when my Son-in-Law came and joined us. We were chatting away quite happily when from out of nowhere he raced at a man standing at the bar, grabbed him round the throat and lifted him completely off the floor. My friends and I desperately begged him to put him down, and then suddenly (as quick as it had started) he released the man and said “Sorry mate, let me buy you a drink”. The man could not get away quick enough.

I said to my Son-in-law “What on earth was that for, who was he? he replied “I don’t know, I thought in was better then hitting ****(my daughter). I was totally appalled and told him he needed to get help.
Apparently he regularly attacked people and stopped as quickly as he started, usually the reason (in his head anyway) was that the man had looked at my daughter. Scary or what???

By: Dr George Simon, PhD

Dr George Simon, PhD — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 17:40:34 +0000

Good questions, M. As is quite typical of all disordered characters, they are very aware (ref: posts on neurosis vs. character disorder). They not only know exactly what they’re doing, but they are okay with it. The fact that they don’t stop to think (or more accurately, to hesitate) is more a reflection of the habitual nature of their aggressive style than it is a lack of awareness. Plus, they often manage to get away with it, which reinforces the pattern. If someone give them flack over it and they really think there’s a chance they’ll lose something they want, they’ll express regret (not the same as genuine remorse), say they won’t do it again (to keep from losing what they want) but probably will do it again anyway (the result of lack of “brakes” as well as sufficient desire). I’ve known many a therapist as well as individuals in relationships with these folks who assumed that they simply mustn’t see what it is they’re doing and who spent an awful lot of wasted time and energy trying to get them to see the light. I’m so glad you were insightful enough yourself to figure this guy probably wasn’t worth your investment! And – by the way – the fact that he had many things going for him is no credit to him whatsoever (ref: prior posts on self-esteem). There are lots of talented, physically attractive people with disturbed characters.

By: M

Mon, 03 Nov 2008 16:55:05 +0000

Very interesting that as the fifth bullet points out, they lack internal ‘brakes’. They seem to not care how others feel.

Are they lacking self-awareness or insight?

Would it matter if they were self-aware?

I dated a man for 1 month who couldn’t be wrong. He would start arguments over the phone and twice, I told him to call his ex wife if he needed to lambast someone. Then I hung up each time.

After the first ‘incident’ he called to apologize and was real sweet, but the second time he tried to apologize I let him know I was unavailable.

No more calls. He couldn’t seem to understand that I don’t put up with verbal assault from anyone.

Too bad really, but even though he had everything else going for him and was intelligent and real attractive in every other way, I’m afraid no one could PAY me to put up with that junk.

I’m only recently divorced but honey, I’m not desparate.