When Passive-Aggression isn’t Very Passive
Often when someone says that another person is being “passive-aggressive,” they really mean something else. Let’s clarify just what passive-aggression is — and what it isn’t — with the help of a framework for understanding human aggression in general.
Passive-aggression (or passive-aggressive) is another of the top 5 most misunderstood and misused terms in mental health. Most of the time, when I hear someone say that another person is being “passive-aggressive,” they really mean something else (more about that in just a bit). But in order to clarify just what passive-aggression is — and what it isn’t — it’s helpful to set a framework for understanding human aggression in general.
Aggression is the forceful energy we all expend to survive and prosper, and it usually involves attempting to secure a desired goal, to remove obstacles in the way of achieving those goals, or to remove perceived threats to our well-being. Our language reflects our deep-seated awareness of the true nature of aggression when we say things like “If you want something, you have to fight for it” or when we encourage those who are sick or infirm to rally their resources and do battle with their cancers, infections, other diseases, etc. Humans have always done a lot of fighting. It’s a big part of life.
When we’re not making some kind of love, we’re generally waging some kind of war.
How we fight is another matter. It’s too bad that traditional psychology paradigms have overly focused on how and why people “run” and are often either too silent or too inaccurate about the numerous ways and reasons people fight. It’s also of paramount importance to realize that aggression is not synonymous with violence. The following is a very basic summary of a framework that can help conceptualize the various subtypes of human aggression.
Aggression can be undisciplined and destructive.
Aggression can also be carefully tempered with concern for the impact on others and can be potentially quite constructive in the amelioration of human misery. When people fight fairly and constructively for what they need while being careful to respect the rights, needs, and boundaries of others, their behavior is best labeled assertive.
Aggression can be purely reactive. That is, it can be a response to a sudden, unexpected threat to well-being. Reactive aggression has certain characteristics. An illustration of these characteristics would be a cat sitting on a front porch who sees the neighborhood pit bull rounding the corner. It does certain characteristic things. It arches its back. Its hair stands on end. It brandishes its claws. It hisses. It signals a willingness to fight if it must. But it doesn’t really want to fight. It’s primarily afraid and more than anything it wants the threat to go away. If the pit bull goes its merry way without approaching the cat, the episode is over. The cat will not aggress. Reactive aggression is spontaneous, rooted in fear, and “defensive” in character, and the goal is the avoidance of victimization.
Aggression can also be predatory, or as some researchers prefer, instrumental. When a cat spies a mouse in the corner of a room that it fancies for a meal, it doesn’t make noise (hiss) or arch its back. It keeps its claws retracted and stays low to the ground so as to maintain quiet and low visibility. In fact, it does nothing to signal aggression but attempts to conceal it until the moment of attack. Its aggression is not prompted by fear of the mouse but rather desire for the mouse. And it’s not prompted by anger, either (an extremely important thing for folks to remember when making presumptions about the connection between anger and aggression — the basis for most so-called anger management paradigms). Predatory or instrumental aggression is rooted purely in desire, is strictly “offensive” in character, and the goal is victimization.
Aggression can be overt. That is, it can be out in the open, without pretense, apology, or attempt to conceal.
Aggression can also be covert. That is, it can be carefully cloaked so that aggressive intent is concealed from open observation. Covert-aggression is at the heart of much interpersonal manipulation and emotional abuse. People often get conned and abused by others because they fail to spot their aggressive intentions and behaviors until after they’ve already been victimized.
One relatively benign form of covert-aggressive is passive-aggression. Passive-aggression is, as its name suggests, aggression through passivity. It’s not answering your mate when you’re mad at him and don’t particularly want to talk to him. It’s not returning a phone call when you don’t really want to connect with the other person in the first place. It’s not so accidentally “forgetting” once again to pick up the dry cleaning the partner you’re mad at asked you to pick up. It can be a fairly powerful and frustrating strategy when carried to extremes. When Ghandi’s followers simply stood fast and would not move out of the army’s line of fire, although many perished, their “passive-resistance” eventually brought an occupying empire to its knees. Most of the time, however, passive-aggression is a relatively self-defeating strategy, especially when it comes to getting what you need in a relationship.
Most of the time, when I hear people use the terms “passive-aggressive” or “passive-aggression” what they really mean is “covert-aggression.” I usually hear the term “passive-aggressive” used incorrectly to describe the subtle, hard to detect, but yet deliberate, calculating and underhanded tactics that manipulators and other disturbed characters use to intimidate, control, deceive, and abuse others. That’s what covert-aggression is all about. Although this kind of aggression is often subtle or concealed, there’s absolutely nothing “passive” about it. It’s very active, albeit veiled, aggression.
By the way it’s also true that “passive-aggressive” personality types are radically different in character from their “covert-aggressive” (manipulative) counterparts, although the passive-aggressive personality label is also frequently misused. But that’s another post…
Other articles by Dr George Simon, PhD
This article was last reviewed by Dr Greg Mulhauser, Managing Editor on Wednesday, 22nd October 2008. You can leave a reply below.
The URL of this page is:
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19 Responses (Including 3 Discussion Threads) to “When Passive-Aggression isn’t Very Passive”
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Wini11
Dr. Simon: Thank you for explaining Covert-aggression. My EX acted the part of being kind, considerate, compassionate, decent, responsible, caring, loving, mature, every woman’s dream … to find out in my horror that everything he said to me was a lie, from start to finish. I only found out after he left and took me for everything I’ve ever worked for. Never once, did he let his mask slip.
Hindsight being 20/20, this man has perfected his game, built himself a better mouse trap … acquiring more bees with honey. Incredible that they can play the game of being a real caring person, yet have all these aggressions clouding their perception of what life should be.
He told me one story from his childhood. Whether this is true or not is anyone’s guess. I suspect that it is. As a child (never told me the age, I’m suspecting 8 or 9 y.o.) he and his brother (1 year younger) were playing in the neighbor’s garden (I believe it was at the end of the growing season). They were throwing old tomatoes at each other. The neighbor came over to their house and explained the situation to his mother. The mother called both boys into the house and made them apologize to the neighbor. Neighbor leaves … father arrives home from work. Mother explains situation to father. Father explains that both boys will rake the neighbor’s yard of fallen leaves for a full year, after the boys rake the parent’s lawn. Both boys will shovel the neighbor’s sidewalk and driveway of snow for a full year, after the parent’s sidewalk and drive are shoveled.
I believe that this is when my EX’s ego took off … did not comprehend the reprimand (which was extreme in my opinion) of the parents … therefore, did not stay humble to understand the reprimand in it’s entirety (too young). I believe his ego (anger) took off and clouded any comprehension of wisdom (over all picture of situation(s)) needed to grow.
I met his parents in their late 70s. Mother would always stand by her husband while husband spoke and mother never said a word. If this is what transpired through my EX’s upbringing, I believe my EX retaliates against his mother with all women (e.g. his ex-wife and 2 daughters … he professes to love them and has no contact with them … he could care less if he ever sees them again) … sociopathic/psychopathic?
Wini
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Dr George Simon, PhD11.1
Hi, Wini. Sometimes we try waaaay to hard to understand. That in itself can set us up for victimization because we second-guess motives and intentions instead of actions. The legacy of traditional psychology also encourages us to hunt for the “underlying dynamics” of situations while ignoring the scientific law of parsimony (the simplest explanation tends to be the best). If someone comes from a family in which aggressive modes of interaction (undue power and control-wielding) are present, then learning or constitutional endowment might predispose the same pattern in them. Sometimes, the aggression is overt, but sometimes the aggressor learns they can be more successful exerting control by keeping their aggression under cover.
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Arborgreen12
My husband and I have been married over 30 years but I only realized what he was doing to our family and our relationship two years ago. He withholds affection. We have never argued about money, religion or politics etc. only about the lack of affection on his part. I went to counseling and realized that I WANT AFFECTION and am actively seeking affection and that it is him rejecting me, backing away,avoiding it, and abandoning me emotionally. I even asked him if he is gay but he said that he isn’t. He punishes me making me wait or never completing tasks. I finally realized the patterns to his behavior. He is a master at passive aggression and usually makes me think it is all my fault. My husband’s mother abandoned the family when he was about 11 and he never saw her or heard from her or knew where she lived most of the time. Once he visited her and then without telling him, she moved and again there was no contact for years. At age 17, he visited her for a 5 days, then left for college and she disappeared for another 5 years. Periodically, she pops into his life (about once a year now)and moves without telling him and abandons him again. He will admit that this has had an affect on his behavior but will not release the past and continues to be a victim. I have never been able to depend on him and find that 99% of the relationship and life in general is my responsibility. He does not participate or communicate. He went to counseling but quit and did not bother to tell me until I asked. He says he needs to talk to his mother and tell her how he feels about her treatment towards him but fears that she will cut him off completely. So I suppose he would rather have a disfunctional relationship than none at all with her. Meantime, he pretends to be more attentive to me but there is a line that he can not seem to cross and continues to withhold intimacy. I think he is just delaying, stonewalling and practicing another way and excuse to be passive aggressive. I have read extensively on the subject but can find no real information about recovery. Is there any possibility that he can really ever change? My kids are grown and I do not want to live the rest of my life like this. I love him but can not continue in this charade of a marriage.
Arborgreen
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citizen B13
Very good article. I grew up with a controlling parent who treated our family and everyone else this way. I am beginning to recognize these traits in people that are part of my everyday life (coworkers, classmates, etc.) and the negative effects they are having on myself and my friends and coworkers. What is the appropriate response to this behavior? Whether they are doing it to me or if I notice them victimizing someone else?
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Arborgreen14
Two weeks ago my husband said that he needed to talk with his mother and tell her how he feels about when she abandoned him as a child and how he feels when she continues the same behaviors today. I asked him when he plans to do this? He gave a vague answer and I said then you have no plan to do it. So you are telling me that you can not go forward and will remain a victim of your past until you speak with your mother but you have no plan to do it. That sounds like a passive aggressive cop out…just another “wait” “I’ll do it later” which we all know never happens. Are you going to wait another 30+ years until she is dead? If you have no specific plan and date to do it then you are planning NOT to do it but still plan to use it as an excuse. I will not accept that as an excuse to remain in a passive aggressive relationship waiting until whenever for you to grow up.
A week ago he decided that he is going to talk to his mother about how he felt as a child when she deserted the family. He is going tomorrow. I have cautioned him that she may not respond the way he wants her to respond. I told him that I hope that he is not trying to attain some sort of love and attention that he did not get as a child. I hope that he is not seeking a sincere apology and think that will make up for the hurt and pain he endured because it can’t.
He called me at work yesterday to say he phoned his mother to tell her that he was coming to see her and guess what she has moved again. Now he just spoke with her a few weeks ago and she said nothing about moving and she has done it again without telling him. The only way he was able to get in touch this time was because she had not changed her cell phone number yet.
I just hope and pray that he really does have the courage to speak to her and does not come home depressed or become more passive aggressive. I have let him know that I am too old and too tired of all of this to continue putting up with his behavior. I told him that it is now up to him to participate in the marriage or not. No more pretending for a day or two and lapsing back, it is now or never and he must take half of the responsibility in the relationship. I refuse to live with a passive aggressive any more. He has got to grow up and quit being a victim of his past. He said that he expects nothing from her but I suspect that he does. He said he just wants to get it off of his chest. I will let you know how this plays out. Will he really go? If he goes, will he really talk to her about his feelings of rejection? Will it be enough to allow him to move forward in our relationship? Or is this all just another excuse, delay tactic and ruse?
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ed wilcox15
What would you call the behavior of asking a question then talking over the answer and quick asking another question and keeping that up until the answer comes with some force at which time listening happens and the answerer is thought to be agressive?
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Janus Jones16
I’ve been studying the comments of a local paper, where people have usernames and never use their correct names.
The comment are sometimes very insulting and belittling to people and if they reply they are heaped with more abuse.Is this also, Covet Aggression?
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Dr George Simon, PhD16.1
Hi, Janus. It appears that in this case, the aggression is neither passive nor covert but quite open. Deliberately providing false information (false name) is, however, a covert tactic.
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