From Dependence to Independence to Interdependence, Part 2
One aspect of our psychological growth is the movement from dependence to independence to interdependence. In this second of a three-part series, we look at what independence is, how we develop it and how it prepares us for interdependence.
Part 2: Independence — Developing Our Own Style
Part of the story of our aging is becoming more of ourselves — developing our own voice, our own way of seeing, and a distinct way of acting in the world (our style). To be dependent on our parents’ approval when young is natural (though children often put up startling resistance to their parents’ evaluations) but in adulthood would be very restricting.
Independence is more than rebellion. It can be part of independence to voice disagreement and demonstrate our difference, but this is far from the whole story. The rebellious are often dependent on those they rebel against. To automatically disagree with the other person means that the other can control what we will say — and this is not independence.
How do we develop independence? I think there are at least four elements.
- Acknowledging our need. Our interest is captured by what matches our needs and desires (from a drink of water, to serenity to spiritual transformation). From this our action emerges. To pretend that we are self-sufficient (entirely independent) would mean that the process never begins. Independence includes our dependence and goes beyond it — it doesn’t deny it.
- Try out different options for meeting it. If we have a simple need (e.g. to quench my thirst) the options for meeting it may be straightforward. If the need is more complex (a marriage of delight) then much more experimentation is likely to be needed. (For a marriage of delight there may be things like: a mix of spontaneous and planned sex, sharing of chores, suitable diet, exercise, sufficient income, evaluating how hobbies and recreation will be shared, relating to existing friends and making new ones…and so on.)
- Gaining a sense of which way works for us — our own way of going about things. As we try out different options we find the ones that work. And, if there is more than one, we select what works for us. (There are many ways to paint a tree — this is my style. There are many ways to be married — we choose to go out to work and come home to the same house. My way of relating values clarity.)
- Gradually we develop a sense of our overall style or lifestyle. Having worked through options in a number of areas we have a sense that they add up to something. For me it is things like: concern for the core issue or idea and not worrying so much about the details (whether in philosophy or talking through a relationship problem), and a sense of authenticity (I dislike fakeness in both relationships and art).
In my experience people with a firm sense of who they are, and what they may be able to contribute, are easier to work with. Independence is the ground from which interdependence may grow.
Do you have a sense of your independence — your own uniqueness and style? Do you feel like this is a work in progress or that you have become reasonably settled with it? Are there particular people and places where it is easier or harder to be independent for you? What would you say is your style? I’d love to hear your experience in the comments.
Part 3 of this three-part series focuses on interdependence.
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This article was last reviewed by on Monday, 8th September 2008. You can leave a response below.
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21st September 2008
I like what you have to say, and it is certainly a journey I’ve been on for the last few years. I find there are certain situations where I feel completely comfortable and free to be myself and others where I feel a certain anxiety to perform, particularly in friendships, etc. where I really value and respect the other person. I wonder if I allow myself to be “too connected” to the people whose opinion I value, thus causing me unneccessary stress? I find when I consciously tell myself to be less “connected”, I am able to control it but I long for the time when I can simply be myself around most people, even the ones I am most fearful of losing. Any thoughts Evan? Thanks :)
21st September 2008
Hi Mez,
I’m not sure. My main thought is to find out what it is that you want from the people you feel too connected to. Then see if you can get this in other ways as well. This should help you be a bit more independant in relation to them.
Eg. if you want approval can you get this from others too (or even from yourself).
I hope this isn’t too abstract and makes sense. If not please feel free to say what I’m not getting and I’ll try to respond.
Thanks for your comment. I appreciate you taking the time and that you are interested in doing more in this area (it’s connecting about these things that makes blogging worthwhile for me).
Many thanks.
29th September 2008
Hi Evan and all,
I definately like the term work in progress the best!
It is ever changing and refining within me. A honing in at times or it can be a major overhaul…too! Usually it is what is representing it self and demands attention….
The older I get the less of care I have in some places that were once paramont to me. Wisdom of what is of true concern always takes a new post or reframing I guess. Though the same things like health and intellectual stimulation are always moving forward in me. The sense of being at peace in complete solitude is definately high on list. And a sense of connecting to many different cultures as well on deep levels have been an encouraging and delightful experience.
My comfort levels are always enhanced by an inner defined voice of what I have actually defined as a need in this present moment and day.
Independant but not just comes up alot for me… it actually feels quite impossible….to me in a sense. ??
30th September 2008
Hi Diane,
In a sense you are quite right I think.
I like what you say about an inner defined voice very much.
Thanks for your comment - there is so much in it.