Do They Want Us to Stay The Same?
We want to make changes for the better. We expect those who care for us to support us in making those changes. But sometimes they don’t. Why is this?
We rely on many things in our lives staying the same. We like the floor to be boringly in the same place and reliable. We like people to stick to the same old side of the road.
In our relationships too we like some predictability. There are social codes for greeting that let us find out how the other person is, that give us time to find out how the other person is feeling and what kind of mood they’re in. And we often have rituals that we value: croissants as a special treat on Sunday morning, brewing the coffee for breakfast, chatting about how the day has been. All these things can help our relationships function smoothly.
However, sometimes we need major changes. We are confronted by something from the past or we find that our way of living no longer works for us. This can be anything from a little better diet and more exercise to questioning why we stay married.
Because we want to make positive changes we expect our friends and family to support us — but sometimes they don’t. And this can be quite painful. They say they want us to be happy but then don’t want us to do anything different. When we try out new behaviour we might get asked if we are feeling OK, what is wrong, or even, “What are you on?”.
In this situation I think there are a couple of things that can be helpful. Firstly to understand the other person’s point of view and explain our own and secondly to do everything you can to look after yourself.
I have already hinted at the other people’s point of view. They like things to be predictable. We tend to deal with many demands and often rapid change. To add more change is stressful — even if the change is for the better. To break a bad habit takes energy — and with busy lives and many demands we are often low on energy. So, when we come along and start doing things differently it takes some adjustment on the part of others. This requires energy — which they may feel they already have little enough of.
It also has helped me to understand that I have this same attitude. If I could have things different without going through the pain of changing I certainly would. I usually don’t enjoy the process of change — however good the outcome.
A further complication is that we may not be able to explain much what the change is about (if the issues are ones we want to keep private) or we may not know ourselves. We may need to just try out different options and see what works or what fits for us. This can be very confusing for others (as well as us!).
It can be especially so for the others who are close to us. They thought they had a good relationship with us; and now we seem to be saying that there was something wrong with it — why would we want to change something that was good? This can mean that it is those we are closest to who least want us to change. They are the ones who dislike the change most — because they most liked the way things were. The closest of our relationships are quite likely with people who find our way of life up to now the most satisfactory. And so they are the ones who least want us to change.
It may help if we can explain our own point of view. If we can say what hasn’t been working for us and why and what the changes are that we are making then people are more likely to understand. If people understand (even if they don’t agree), it may help them to feel less threatened. And if they are good friends they may well be willing to help us.
Secondly, I think it is important to look after ourselves. If we are making a major change this is likely to be very demanding. We are going to need the time and space to know what is going on and the energy to make the changes. We will likely feel anxious and stressed. And if we are confronting major issues from our past, this will be emotionally exhausting as well. Much nurturing and pampering is called for. If you are lucky enough to have supportive relationships the others may help you with this. Otherwise we need to do it for ourselves.
What kind of nurturing? For me, long hot baths and reading novels. I like a break from people — I’m an introvert. If you are an extravert, it may be going out and having fun. It’s often what we enjoyed doing when we were children. Or it may be something you’ve never done and that you dream of doing.
If you have gone through a major change in your life, how have those around you reacted? Was the reaction what you expected? Were your friends and family supportive? I’d love to hear your experience in the comments.
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This article was last reviewed by on Tuesday, 2nd September 2008. You can leave a response below.
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http://counsellingresource.com/features/2008/09/02/want-us-to-stay-the-same/
2nd September 2008
Evan!! What a turn up for the books - me commenting on your post here - it has made my day!! When I saw you at the top of the post I had a strange feeling of the world turning on its head! I hope this means you are going to be here more often. And what a great post to start with.
I was chuckling as I read it as this week we have got a new computer all for me, to herald the start of my online counselling practice, with lots of attendent mess and occasional panics, and my husband has been squealing “I hate chaaaanges!!” at least three times a day. I have been quite rough on him, actually, demanding he be rational. You have given me pause for thought, and a feeling actually of being nurtured which came off the screen as I read about how we need to nurture ourselves through changes. Especially the ones we didn’t actually choose - like life without someone we love who has died or left. The reorganisation of the internal world takes so much energy.
2nd September 2008
Change… I’ve been lovingly supported through major changes in my life by friends and some family members, strangers and co-workers.
These changes are death of my dad, cancer and and dealing with a looser, PD, ADHD, OCD, etc.within all that amplified looser MO. And also supported by a counselour and yoga communities, and heavens agents, here and at HEAL. As I head through all of these changes and take some appropriate action. I am glad that old friends and new have showed up and given me much needed support. I guess you could say those that haven’t been supported me at least I understand alittle better why they can’t. So I don’t expect it from them anymore which has helped me alot.
3rd September 2008
Hi Sarah,
I’m glad you liked the post. I’m very pleased that a feeling of nurturing comes through - too often I think that psychotherapy and self-development can be yet another set of shoulds we are expected to live up to. I hope to be here once a week - if my stuff fits what is wanted.
Re-organising our internal world sure does take energy. And when the re-organisation needs to happen due to something out of our control (the ultimate being someone dying) this adds whole other dimensions.
I hope you are gradually settling into your new pracitce and that you (and your husband) are enjoying it.
3rd September 2008
Hi Diane,
It sounds like you have had great support. And understanding why people can’t help I find does help.
Thanks for your comment.
3rd September 2008
Change is painful. That is the reason why other people don’t want us to change. It breaks the “status quo”.It may be painful for them (family/ friends), as well as for us. Recently I went to the theather with a good friend and in scene a the protagonist basically “diagnosed” the second actor with -”chronic dessatisfaction”. So my dear friend came out of the movie joking and saying -”that is what you have cronic dessatisfaction”. I’ve been confronted with major decisions in the past 2 yrs( parenting/mariage decisions,spiritual)and the change as been slow, but steady. I feel a better person now, and I’m excited for the changes ahead in my life (wheter that likes or dislikes my friends). Life is change. Congrats for the post!
3rd September 2008
Hi Lunna,
I do think we and others are attached to the status quo. I’m glad your changes have been good for you. Best wishes for the changes ahead.
Thanks for your comment.
4th September 2008
I think one of the greatest gifts we can give to the world is to learn how to take care of ourselves emotionally. That doesn’t mean we can’t get support from others, either by paying or requesting it…but requesting, not demanding. Marshall Rosenberg makes a nice distinction. A request means you’re not upset if the other person says no. It doesn’t matter how nicely you phrase it…if you get upset by an honest no, it was a demand, not a request.
5th September 2008
Hi Jean,
I think in many ways our journey is learning to care for ourselves emotionally.
I like the distinction between requests and demands. I think probably (still sitting with it) that (especially in our closer relationships) there needs to be room for our demands to be voiced - or processed in some way. As you can probably see I’m still thinking about this.
Thanks for your thought provoking comment.
5th September 2008
Sometimes people are unhappy when we change our lives because they fear it represents a negative judgment on the way they live their lives or on who they are. I’ve had wonderful support for most of the changes in my life, but I’ve seen those around me become threatened in two situations. First, my coworkers were happy for me when I left a stressful job, but it also threw some of them into the position of questioning whether it was time for them to make the stressful decision to look for another job. Second, I found that overweight friends and family members were very threatened by my decision to lose weight. I know that I’ve felt that way in the past when someone close to me lost weight. The decision made me feel as if I had lost an ally and made me worry that I would judge myself less favorably compared to a thinner friend. These are self-imposed cognitive distortions, but upsetting all the same.
5th September 2008
Thanks for adding this perspective Susan.
Very true I think.