Bereavement — What Can I Say?
Death makes people uncomfortable. People will do anything to keep their equilibrium, their own personal illusion that they are not going to die, and no one wants to be the one to upset the person who is starting to get their life back together. So what can people do? From my position on the frontline I would say — acknowledge it. Acknowledge it, please.
I have been taking time off from blogging, and, in fact, from the rest of my working life, due to my mother’s death almost two months ago. The grief is still fresh, although it has been knocked off course slightly by other traumatic family events. But I am going to write anyway, because I have something to say.
Death makes people uncomfortable. People will do anything really to keep their equilibrium, their own personal illusion that they are not going to die and neither are their loved ones. In the first moments after a death, the illusion cannot be maintained and people tend to reach out and make connections, share simple human warmth. But as soon as death is far enough away that the illusion can start to build again, people at enough of a remove to be able to do so, will distance themselves from the grief. There are ways of practically supporting the mourners, and even keeping the relationship going strong while subtly and surely ignoring the gaping wound. This can give the mourner the feeling that they are going mad.
On the other hand, no one wants to be the one to upset the person who is starting to get their life back together. So what can people do?
From my position on the frontline I would say — acknowledge it. Acknowledge it, please.
It does not need to be some carefully thought out response which accurately reflects exactly what you mean, although sympathy cards in which people do just that are beautiful to receive. In fact it doesn’t have to reflect you in any way at all, because the person who is mourning is mainly occupied with a relationship which no one else can see. They may be re-running events leading up to the death, they may have a constant film of their childhood going all day long, they may have their own personal web cam tuned in live to the graveyard where their loved one lies now. They may not be able to think or “see” at all, being consumed in an animal kind of grief. They are certainly unlikely to be judging you or even able to perceive you properly. “I’m so sorry” suffices.
“I’m so sorry” or something else which does no more than acknowledge the situation and express warmth acts as a bridge. It does not necessarily get you very close, but without it, there is a terrible gulf between you and the mourner. In my experience, I simply have no living relationship with the very few people I know who did not say “I’m sorry”. We carry on, but the spark, the real contact is gone and will be gone until the bridge is built.
So while it is not the case that people have to say “the right thing”, instincts are very strong while grieving. I can just feel when someone, while talking to me, and expressing sympathy, is actually trying to walk past on the other side of the road from my real feelings, and it makes me feel lonely.
I can feel when someone is going through their own masses of grief, reactivated by mine; these connections are often red hot, and a great release. I can feel when they have not gone through some grief of their own and are desperate not to. They sometimes say deeply unhelpful things like “it was meant to be”. These may be hard earned personal conclusions but they are not slogans that take pain away. Nothing, in fact, takes the pain away.
I can also feel when someone is simply moved and comes closer, just to be there, in the midst of this awful pain which no one chooses and no one can avoid. Thank you all.
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This article was last reviewed by on Monday, 9th June 2008. You can leave a response below.
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9th June 2008
Welcome back. I was sorry to hear of your loss on this site (though it wasn’t said specifically what it was).
Both my parents are still alive and in good health for their age (83) so I know I won’t understand what you are going through.
This is just to say that my thoughts are with you.
10th June 2008
Thanks Evan, it feels good to hear from you again! Thoughts received and appreciated.
1st September 2008
I am very sorry that you lost your mother, but SHE is the one that has gone. Be thankful that God graced you with her life and remember all of the times you shared. I don’t know if you are a Christian or not, but I am, and it’s sooooo very comforting to know that when another Christian passes from this life, they have moved on to an unimaginably wondrous life in eternity. And to meet Jesus face to face! Just think of it.
God had a plan for your mother just as He does for each of His children. And each plan is different for each of His children, except death. Death is not the end. It’s the beginning of ETERNAL life WITH Jesus. A life without sin, without hate, without crime, in a place so beautiful that we cannot even imagine it.
I truly believe that if you read the book “Heaven” by Randy Alcorn, you will have a totally different reaction to the next loss you will experience sooner or later. I wish everyone would read this book so that they can find peace instead of grief.
I’m praying for you!
Lovingly,
Karen
2nd September 2008
Thanks Karen. My mother was a preacher and so she was very happy to be going to meet her Lord, and left me some beautiful texts about how she saw her forthcoming death.
I am not a Christian. I don’t think however that non Christians only grieve while Christians only feel peace. I think both states are available to every human being.
6th September 2008
Sarah
It is hard for me to understand ones fear of death. I understand your loss and the emptiness you must not having your mother’s presents with you. I do not fear death because during my MVA in 1974 I know what waits for me. I have felt the presence of the spiritual beings and the unconditional love they bring that can feel as if it encases and runs through me when I know they are near. When a person crosses over sometimes I feel their spirit leave their body and it feels like the door to heaven opens. The pure unconditional love pouring into the area to talk them home only makes me want to go with them at times, but until my turn comes I remain. Because I went through the transition of knowing what is waiting for me at 12 years old and I remember little before this age I never learned to fear what you call death. To me even the word death is an illusion; it is really a transition as a caterpillar is to turning into a butterfly. The body is a skin that is shed and we learn to fly as a butterfly into a place of pure unconditional love (This is my take). Your Mother is still nearby you and sending you love I am sure.
Blessings Sheila
6th September 2008
Hi Sheila, and thanks!
Funny you mention the catarpillar analogy - for my grandmother’s funeral we had something similar on the back of the order of service - the catarpillar calls it the end of the world and we call it a butterfly!
I can understand both fear of death and the spiritual view you present here, I think both are deeply real and human…
I am not sure she is nearby but she is certainly within me. I am not sure the butterfly remembers much about catarpillar life!
6th September 2008
Sarah
I suppose I may word some wrong, my words not flow well sometimes. Fear of death from people to me is meaning they do not fully understand where they are going. Working with Hospice clients I found those that have a strong faith go easy with not fight to stay. An agnostic or someone with no faith of any kind fight hard to stay in the body.
When I am with someone who misses someone that crosses over I find that the person or image of that person is near them and usually trying to tell them they still love them and they are ok and happy where they are. Sometimes they may have a message they want to say to the person they are hanging around, but usually it is just they are trying to send them love because of the grieving they know you go through. I do not claim to be a medium I am just sensitive in many ways and sometimes this happens. Mostly I have to be near the person talking with them then I get the images and feel what they want to say to the person I’m near. So as for the Butterfly not remembering it’s life, maybe not the butterfly, but the human when in spirit does remember.