Someone in Your Life Probably Has a Personality Disorder
It might be your spouse, your parent, your co-worker…even your child. Chances are, someone with a significant role in your life has a personality disorder. Dr Carver’s new guide to personality disorders in relationships puts the reality in plain English; more than just a list of diagnostic criteria, this explanation describes what it’s really like and offers tips for victims.
One of the most frequent discussion topics in the Ask the Psychologist section, personality disorders can wreak havoc on relationships of all kinds, creating fallout for years. Considering the high incidence of personality disorders across the population, identifying core features of personality disorders — and learning to protect yourself from typical damaging behaviours — is a valuable skill for pretty much anyone.
Our consulting clinical psychologist Dr Carver has put together a new guide to understanding personality disorders in relationships called “Personality Disorders: The Controllers, Abusers, Manipulators, and Users in Relationships“. Whether you’re already enmeshed with someone with a personality disorder, or whether you’ve somehow managed to avoid that all these years, I think the new guide is worth a read. Have a look and let us know what you think. If it all rings just a little too true, and you have a further question about how to deal with personality disorders in relationships, stop by the Ask the Psychologist section and leave a question for Dr Carver.
Other articles by Dr Greg Mulhauser, Managing Editor
This article was last reviewed by Dr Greg Mulhauser, Managing Editor on Wednesday, 16th April 2008. You can leave a reply below.
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http://counsellingresource.com/features/2008/04/16/someone-personality-disorder/
26th April 2008
i think i have something going on here in my brain lately.. like an extra part opened up. its like i can rapidly diagnose situations, if that makes any sense. i just now starting looking into to this, thus me ending up here, just wanted to say something.
had fun reading alot of the justasks.
16th May 2008
Is there ever a good outcome? I am working hard at protecting my children and myself from my husband, who I believe has a personality disorder. He of course, doesn’t believe there is a problem, and if I would just do as he says, everything would be fine. It’s been 14 very long years and I am quite tired. I have given an ultimatum, get help or we’re getting a divorce. I am now dealing with extreme resentment and passive aggressive behavior. He tried to put a roadblock by stating it would cost too much, until I pointed out he had insurance. He is currently scrambling for another excuse/justification not to seek help. I on the other hand have set up a separate checking account and am moving money to make sure that we (the family) are protected. *IF* he should get help, is there any hope, or am I just dreaming here?
28th May 2008
PD, son, 20, is very self involved. Went to college, joined Frat house, started serious drinking, bad grades…. Now says suicidal, he saw a psychitrist and in 1 45 min. session discovered he has slight OCD, clinical depression, ADHD (called it ADD). Put him on anti-depressents.
I see my son as very interested in himself, food, TV, music, driving his car, being with his girl, and his friends. He just doesn’t want to do any reasonable tasks such as studying, helping around the house, any chores or tasks.
I feel he is just spoiled and lazy. He has manipulated people his whole life and now his lack of discipline has put him in a corner. It is much harder for him to cope in his world.
I would be interested in hearing your thoughts. What should I do? What should my son do?
2nd June 2008
DENNIS:
As someone who suffers from slight OCD, mild depression, and is ADD-whose parents perceived their daughter as lacking responsibility, rarely contributed while living at home, selfish/spoiled, also seen as a very manipulative person, may I say that I can not imagine what it is like for you as a parent; to watch your son behave in such a way which doesn’t exactly make you proud? In fact it increases your worry or you may fear he might not ever be successful with his life.
Clearly however, he is suffering (i.e. drinking, suicidal thoughts) and possibly needs a therapist. It’s an excellent start. Professional advice and guidance, talking to someone is what he needs. Kudos to you for getting him help.
My parents evnetually joined in during some of my sessions. Which changed everyones perspective and we learned a lot about each other. It actually brought us together because we opened up and then began to work together, like a team (what are families for).
My therapist believed each of us took the other family member for granted. My parents expectations of me were unrealistic and I had no respect because I felt incapable of meeting the goals they set for me and slacked because I couldn’t see my potential. Whether professional, personal, etc.
Some of us though, lack discipline for a reason. I did as a result of my parents being overly disciplined as children which meant I was spoiled! I was an only child as well though…
Support however, is what motivates us and keeps our well being in tact. The lines of comunication are always open even if you disapprove of his choices, you will always try to remain civil during the most frustrating times and he should attempt to do the same. If he is dealing with suicidal thoughts, negativity or hurtful words can unfortunately push him over the edge and will stir feelings of self distruction. Offer positive reinforcement, reminders that family will always be there through good times and bad, that at anytime we’ll go to bat for one another! But keeping in mind there are boundaries. Which keeps you from struggling with the thought that he’s taking advantage of you. What are your boundaries, does he know and understand what they are? Does he know why boundaries are made? Why they are important?
It takes time to get there of course. Obviously you really love him and you truly care, and you haven’t given up if you’re looking for answers. But giving up is what usually rips families apart. Before you know it, it’s too late, and you’re sitting around regreting the fact that you or he didn’t do more. Don’t lose your sense of family like most people have. My parents now know that as they grow older, I will take care of them like they took care of me. Heaven forbid something happen, I won’t be inclined to stick them in a retirement home because they’re old and I am still so self involved that I can’t be bothered.
But you’re a great father simply because you’re in his life and you want him to be a healthy, happy human being. I can’t tell you how to handle it of course, even with all I have said, yet I think you will discover what works for all of you if that’s what you truly want. I’m sure he’s young and scared but he wants that too!
2nd June 2008
Audrey,
What kind of boundries? Can you give an example?
3rd June 2008
Well, from a person who can identify more with your son, and not knowing specifics, that is a great question! But to sit back and view the situation now I would have to say that it is infact selfish that your son does not contribute. Though, he may not know any better.
What do you think of when you hear “boundaries”? When does there need to be a limit? You may want to think of the last time you felt a boundary should have put into place? My personal example; my parents felt we should have established earlier on that, “What’s mine, is mine and what is yours, is yours. We can share, we can even borrow but you just do not help yourself”.
Ask him when is a good time to talk, and then take him to dinner. Do your research and casually mention you read an interesting article about ADHD, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, or maybe something you know he would want to talk about, and discuss it with him? Find out how he’s doing now, how he is trying to cope? Ascertain what helps him to deal with that in which he suffers from? When does it become more of a struggle and less of a struggle.
Remind him you are there to help. Ask him if he thinks it is totally unreasonable that you ask for his help in return? (be prepared for his response)
But if you want him to contribute, no matter the circumstance, he has to feel like he is part of the family, that he will be included or is involved. It’s no longer, “my house”, but rather “our home”. Contemplating something, get his opinion! He might appreciate it.
1st September 2008
Wow!! I have 2 sons, 25 & 26 from my first marriage (at age 19) that lasted only 4 years, and a 13 yr old daughter from my second marriage 8 years after my first divorce. My 2nd marriage lasted 5 years, and we went to family and marital counseling for that full 5 years. He had never been married and didn’t have kids, and I wanted him to know what role he should take as their step-father. (I am a very independent person. I raised my boys from ages 2 and 3 ON MY OWN, without child support, and boys were without a father because he was too selfish and was consumed with feeling sorry for himself, and skipping from state to state to avoid wage garnishment. I never badmouthed him to my boys. I let them figure out who he was on their own. I worked full time, went to school part time, got a 2 yr Certificate in Real Estate and was doing what I had to do. – Sorry, but I felt the background was important.) Back to my 2nd husband…. I really “fell in love” with him after we had been friends for a couple of years, and he was always praising me as a mother and telling me how well behaved my boys were. The boys loved him and he laughed and tickled them. Then we got married and started counseling. He took them fishing did guy stuff with them. He coached the soccer team – because he had to be sure they were taught the “right way”. Suddenly, he was always right and his way was always the right way. He expected the three of us to conform to HIS way “because it was the right way in his mind). I found myself being a mediator between my husband and my boys, anger and tension were always present he was around. He started getting physical with them for things all kids do (like roll their eyes at you or walk away when things were getting too heated – per the therapists recommendation to all of us). He became angry with me because I wouldn’t support him when he was being abusive, and that just made him angrier with the boys and me until he exploded and gave my youngest son a black eye, threw the bathroom door off of the hinges and into the bathtub, and tried to keep us from leaving the house to find safety by telling me I wasn’t going to take our daughter (4 months old, and I was breastfeeding). But I reminded him that he couldn’t feed her. Anyway… I’m venting here and I apologize.
I divorced him after 5 years of tension, and we have shared custody of our daughter. Six months later the ex found out the woman he was dating was psycho and she was pregnant. So, he married her. Now she is treating my daughter the same way that he treated my boys. She isn’t physically abusive, but extremely verbally abusive to her. I actually came to this site to confirm that my daughter’s step mother does fit all of the characteristics of personality disorder. And now I know that both of my ex husbands have personality disorders, too. I had started to believe it was all ME. But I’m not going crazy. Thank you for confirming that.
I can also relate to having a son with OCD and other personality disorders. My younger son was diagnosed with ADD in 1st grade. We put him on medication, and he was so much better and actually like school again. He got good grades, and then the problems with his step-father pushed him to another level. He is now also a compulsive liar, thief, manipulator, and just this past few months I found out he is a heroin addict. He is extremely insecure, which is understandable since he feels like his father didn’t love him enough to be a part of his life, and his step-father, who he really loved was really the only father figure he ever had scared him and intimidated him by using his size and strenth and loud verbal abuse to control him. Sometimes I feel like it’s my fault they don’t have a father, but I know in my heart that it was THEIR actions that broke us apart. I will always put my children’s safety and mental well-being ahead of any man who may come into my life. I did what I had to do to protect them and make sure they understood that they didn’t deserve to treated that way.
My son blames everything that happens to him on me or someone else. In his mind it’s never his actions that caused him to get arrested for… forging a prescription for Vicodin, getting arrested for stealing stereos out of cars, shoplifting, disorderly conduct, multiple driving convictions – license was suspended but he drove anyway and got arrested again. I found out he and his girlfriend were stealing my jewelry and pawning it to get money to buy heroin. So, I pressed charges. I figured the best place for him would be in prison so that he could get away from the drugs and hopefully realize he was hitting rock bottom. He was appalled that I pressed charges. I knew that I had taught him the difference between right and wrong and that there are consequences for his actions, and if I just let it go, I would be enabling him. Thankfully, he did go to detox and then a recovery home. But, he was kicked out of there for stealing money from another guy so that he could buy heroin, and he got in a fight with the guy who witnessed his stealing and reported him. He was homeless until two days ago, had no money except unemployment, my parents and brothers want nothing to do with him. I realize that I am his mother and I will ALWAYS love him, but I don’t LIKE the person he has become. The only way I can help him now is to stop enabling him. I won’t give him one red cent – for cigarettes or anything else). He knows I love him very much and that his actions are hurting me terribly. He says that he hates that he has let me down, but he continues with the lying and stealing and using drugs. I cannot trust a word he says and that is killing me. When I tell him I don’t trust him, he says, “You’re my mother. You’re supposed to trust me.” Wrong. He has to earn that trust instead of being angry at everyone that distrusts him.
My health started declining when my daughter was six months old and it took 2 years to finally get a diagnosis of fibromyalgia, depression, panic disorder, chronic fatigue syndrome, and on and on. Mayo Clinic was my last resort and they finally confirmed that it wasn’t all in my head. I lost my job because of illnesses and haven’t been able to keep a job in 5 years. I lost my beautifulo townhome (that I bought on my own) and would be homeless myself if not for my parents. They finished the basement of their townhouse which is their second home, and that is where my daughter and I live now. Thank God for providing for us. However, my parents will not allow my son in this house anymore because they can’t trust him, and while he was in rehab and we were out of town, the house was broken into (most probably by one of his drug buddies or his ex-girlfriend and her new boyfriend). So, my son is angry with my parents and my whole family because they don’t trust him. They love him, but they can’t trust him. And he just doesn’t get it. He believes that he deserves to be trusted even though he continues to lie. Aye, aye, aye.
So, I’m not sure that I agree with some of the advice you’re being given here. Although, your son’s disorder is only ONE of the disorders my son has, I have been told time and time again that I have to stop enabling him. I will love him and guide him the best I can, but without enabling him to continue these behaviors and not making it a priority to get help. He is the only one who can help himself, and he as to WANT to help himself. I tell him all of the time that he has to learn to love himself before he can expect anyone else to love him (besides family, of course – I’m talking about girlfriends because he always feels like he has to have someone to love). He has someone to love… himself.
Basically, I will not be here to bail him out anymore, and I won’t support him when he is not making every effort to get help and control these disorders. I will invite him to dinner, take him to dinner, a movie, the beach with his little sister, and family functions, but I will not ask for his input on any issue because he cannot even make good decisions for himself.
Okay, I’m sorry. I should just delete all of this, but it feels good to share my story with others who can relate. I pray our children will all find peace and the love of God and self… quickly!!
Sincerely,
Karen
19th September 2008
Hi Ladies and Gentlemen outside there who are trying helping one another in our daily suitaions.
Actually i dont have much comment probably on the questions raised here that need some comments but i am an upcoming consellor i.e. studying Psychological Counselling in one of the Institution in my country-Kenya and so i felt with confident that what i have read through this websit is of essential in my new carrer. Please i have submited my email account and would real wish to be alerted with comments to some of the raised question/concerns in all aspects of human life for the betterment of my career development. In addition should anyone have an assistance towards developing my new career e.g. advise, materials to read etc, please i say do not hesitate to do so.
Thanks,
Wamalwa W.I (from Kenya)