Someone in Your Life Probably Has a Personality Disorder
It might be your spouse, your parent, your co-worker…even your child. Chances are, someone with a significant role in your life has a personality disorder. Dr Carver’s new guide to personality disorders in relationships puts the reality in plain English; more than just a list of diagnostic criteria, this explanation describes what it’s really like and offers tips for victims.
One of the most frequent discussion topics in the Ask the Psychologist section, personality disorders can wreak havoc on relationships of all kinds, creating fallout for years. Considering the high incidence of personality disorders across the population, identifying core features of personality disorders — and learning to protect yourself from typical damaging behaviours — is a valuable skill for pretty much anyone.
Our consulting clinical psychologist Dr Carver has put together a new guide to understanding personality disorders in relationships called “Personality Disorders: The Controllers, Abusers, Manipulators, and Users in Relationships“. Whether you’re already enmeshed with someone with a personality disorder, or whether you’ve somehow managed to avoid that all these years, I think the new guide is worth a read. Have a look and let us know what you think. If it all rings just a little too true, and you have a further question about how to deal with personality disorders in relationships, stop by the Ask the Psychologist section and leave a question for Dr Carver.
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This article was last reviewed by on Wednesday, 16th April 2008. You can leave a response below.
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http://counsellingresource.com/features/2008/04/16/someone-personality-disorder/
26th April 2008
i think i have something going on here in my brain lately.. like an extra part opened up. its like i can rapidly diagnose situations, if that makes any sense. i just now starting looking into to this, thus me ending up here, just wanted to say something.
had fun reading alot of the justasks.
16th May 2008
Is there ever a good outcome? I am working hard at protecting my children and myself from my husband, who I believe has a personality disorder. He of course, doesn’t believe there is a problem, and if I would just do as he says, everything would be fine. It’s been 14 very long years and I am quite tired. I have given an ultimatum, get help or we’re getting a divorce. I am now dealing with extreme resentment and passive aggressive behavior. He tried to put a roadblock by stating it would cost too much, until I pointed out he had insurance. He is currently scrambling for another excuse/justification not to seek help. I on the other hand have set up a separate checking account and am moving money to make sure that we (the family) are protected. *IF* he should get help, is there any hope, or am I just dreaming here?
28th May 2008
PD, son, 20, is very self involved. Went to college, joined Frat house, started serious drinking, bad grades…. Now says suicidal, he saw a psychitrist and in 1 45 min. session discovered he has slight OCD, clinical depression, ADHD (called it ADD). Put him on anti-depressents.
I see my son as very interested in himself, food, TV, music, driving his car, being with his girl, and his friends. He just doesn’t want to do any reasonable tasks such as studying, helping around the house, any chores or tasks.
I feel he is just spoiled and lazy. He has manipulated people his whole life and now his lack of discipline has put him in a corner. It is much harder for him to cope in his world.
I would be interested in hearing your thoughts. What should I do? What should my son do?
2nd June 2008
DENNIS:
As someone who suffers from slight OCD, mild depression, and is ADD-whose parents perceived their daughter as lacking responsibility, rarely contributed while living at home, selfish/spoiled, also seen as a very manipulative person, may I say that I can not imagine what it is like for you as a parent; to watch your son behave in such a way which doesn’t exactly make you proud? In fact it increases your worry or you may fear he might not ever be successful with his life.
Clearly however, he is suffering (i.e. drinking, suicidal thoughts) and possibly needs a therapist. It’s an excellent start. Professional advice and guidance, talking to someone is what he needs. Kudos to you for getting him help.
My parents evnetually joined in during some of my sessions. Which changed everyones perspective and we learned a lot about each other. It actually brought us together because we opened up and then began to work together, like a team (what are families for).
My therapist believed each of us took the other family member for granted. My parents expectations of me were unrealistic and I had no respect because I felt incapable of meeting the goals they set for me and slacked because I couldn’t see my potential. Whether professional, personal, etc.
Some of us though, lack discipline for a reason. I did as a result of my parents being overly disciplined as children which meant I was spoiled! I was an only child as well though…
Support however, is what motivates us and keeps our well being in tact. The lines of comunication are always open even if you disapprove of his choices, you will always try to remain civil during the most frustrating times and he should attempt to do the same. If he is dealing with suicidal thoughts, negativity or hurtful words can unfortunately push him over the edge and will stir feelings of self distruction. Offer positive reinforcement, reminders that family will always be there through good times and bad, that at anytime we’ll go to bat for one another! But keeping in mind there are boundaries. Which keeps you from struggling with the thought that he’s taking advantage of you. What are your boundaries, does he know and understand what they are? Does he know why boundaries are made? Why they are important?
It takes time to get there of course. Obviously you really love him and you truly care, and you haven’t given up if you’re looking for answers. But giving up is what usually rips families apart. Before you know it, it’s too late, and you’re sitting around regreting the fact that you or he didn’t do more. Don’t lose your sense of family like most people have. My parents now know that as they grow older, I will take care of them like they took care of me. Heaven forbid something happen, I won’t be inclined to stick them in a retirement home because they’re old and I am still so self involved that I can’t be bothered.
But you’re a great father simply because you’re in his life and you want him to be a healthy, happy human being. I can’t tell you how to handle it of course, even with all I have said, yet I think you will discover what works for all of you if that’s what you truly want. I’m sure he’s young and scared but he wants that too!
2nd June 2008
Audrey,
What kind of boundries? Can you give an example?
3rd June 2008
Well, from a person who can identify more with your son, and not knowing specifics, that is a great question! But to sit back and view the situation now I would have to say that it is infact selfish that your son does not contribute. Though, he may not know any better.
What do you think of when you hear “boundaries”? When does there need to be a limit? You may want to think of the last time you felt a boundary should have put into place? My personal example; my parents felt we should have established earlier on that, “What’s mine, is mine and what is yours, is yours. We can share, we can even borrow but you just do not help yourself”.
Ask him when is a good time to talk, and then take him to dinner. Do your research and casually mention you read an interesting article about ADHD, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, or maybe something you know he would want to talk about, and discuss it with him? Find out how he’s doing now, how he is trying to cope? Ascertain what helps him to deal with that in which he suffers from? When does it become more of a struggle and less of a struggle.
Remind him you are there to help. Ask him if he thinks it is totally unreasonable that you ask for his help in return? (be prepared for his response)
But if you want him to contribute, no matter the circumstance, he has to feel like he is part of the family, that he will be included or is involved. It’s no longer, “my house”, but rather “our home”. Contemplating something, get his opinion! He might appreciate it.