550 Reader Comments on Dr Carver’s ‘Loser’ Article
Readers continue to tell us that Dr Carver’s article about relationship losers, abusers, manipulators and controllers — and how you can protect yourself from them — rings true. How about you? Have you dealt with someone like this?
Our previous threads on Dr Carver’s article called Are You Dating a Loser? have been piling on the comments. Total them up, and it comes to something over 550 separate comments:
- “Are You Dating a Loser?”
- “More Personal Replies from Psychologist About Relationships with Losers”
- “Psychologist’s Description of “The Loser” in Relationships Rings True”
- “Overwhelming Response to Threads on Relationship Losers”
- “More on Relationship Losers, Abusers, Manipulators and Controllers”
As I commented in one of the earlier posts, what has struck me the most about the comments so far is the remarkable degree of consistency and similarity of recurring threads being reported by individuals from all walks of life. And the suggestions Dr Carver made in his original article about how to protect yourself if you find yourself in a relationship with someone bent on abuse and manipulation have been well received and put into practice by many readers. The discussion threads about this paper have now taken on something of a life of their own, with readers offering one another their support and encouragement as they deal with their own problematic relationships. While everyone’s experience is unique, you might be surprised to read just how often others have experienced the kinds of manipulative and controlling behaviours you may have experienced yourself.
We’ve been splitting off the ongoing discussions about loser behaviours every so often, to keep the individual page loading times manageable. This is now the latest in the series, so if you have any thoughts on Dr Carver’s loser article, please feel free to leave them here in the comments section. Dr Carver stops by every so often and reads and replies to your messages, so fire away!
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- More Personal Replies from Psychologist About Relationships with Losers
- Overwhelming Response to Threads on Relationship Losers
- Psychologist’s Description of “The Loser” in Relationships Rings True
- Are You Dating a Loser?
- More on Relationship Losers, Abusers, Manipulators and Controllers
Other articles by Dr Greg Mulhauser, Managing Editor
This article was last reviewed by on Monday, 17th December 2007. You can leave a response below.
The URL of this page is:
http://counsellingresource.com/features/2007/12/17/loser-comments-continue/
134 Responses to “550 Reader Comments on Dr Carver’s ‘Loser’ Article”
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Mia134
Hi Faye,
I’ve been in that position, as married to an abuser, with children and applied this same psychology to my situation. Being married and having children makes the equation a bit more involved, of course. But the principles are the same when dealing with it; we just have more to consider in regard to the kids, and the legal aspect of the marital contract. Beside this, the amount of your own personal investment, emotionally, financially and timewise, can add to the seriousness of the situation.
In my case, the 32 years I’ve spent myself on my family is without regret, however I did need to take action in order to be understood as a serious person who is serious about taking care of myself.To him I was a catch.
Now I’m the one that got away.When dealing with his Paranoid Schizophrenia, which I was not knowledgeable of, I simply kept overlooking the signs and focusing on the 4 kids and their care and needs. That was easy, with their 24/7 activity level.
But then they grew up and went on so I was seeing more behavior in him that was unusual and potentially dangerous.
This particular disorder doesn’t usually involve violence, but dilusions and hallucinations. They are more likely to harm themselves on purpose than harm someone else, but his belief that he was my ‘ rescuer and protector’, along with his tendency to take out any anger on personal property, led me to consider what to do to protect myself, especially since he had an affair and was treating me as his burden and not his ally or wife.Enough about me, I wish you the best. Please read the articles again with the view that there may be similarities to the married couple as well.
And there are articles/postings here on the JUST ASK page from others which may deal more directly with the subject of married abusers/abused.
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Faye133
This article is very interesting. Especially if one is dating.
However it does not supply any information regarding
the situation post-dating and into marital relationships
and when there are children involved. -
Wendy132
Nice to hear from you, Morris! Glad things are going well.
~Wendy
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Morris131
Hi Debbie,
Looks like you are adjusting very well! Don’t know if you recall, but our circumstances are very similar.
You should be very proud on how you handled yourself! You did what was best for you and your baby; this takes a lot of courage. Look at it in a different way; within 2 years you met “Mr. Wrong” had a baby but still learned from present and past experiences and got out quickly. You have your life back and sound like you are mentally and physically healthy!
In my case, it has been three and a half months since I left my situation. Like you, I have had no direct contact with my wife since the day I left. I think that picking a day and then following though was, by far, the hardest part. I have had some feelings of remorse; still, my therapist reinforces me and the difficult decision that I made. The good news is that our home sold very quickly and for a decent price; now there is a scramble for my wife to find another place, we both have to arrange for movers ASAP; the buyer will be getting possession in a month. I do still have many personal effects in the condo; my therapist told me that I may never see these things again, still, I won’t give up trying. We did have a spousal support agreement ready to go; my wife, however, backed out at the last minute. The proceeds of sale will go into Trust until the agreement is signed or another is drafted; I can afford to wait.
I want to show my wife and most important, prove to myself, that I can stand up for myself, respect myself. Hopefully, in 4 weeks, the agreement will be signed, I will have my things and my share of the proceeds of sale.
No matter, I went hiking this weekend, got to the summit and enjoyed a breath taking view of the Alberta Rockies and the valleys below. I am becoming re-aquainted with good friends again. My therapist says that I am doing great; I don’t know if I would have been able to keep my sanity much longer if I stayed with my wife. I have lost about 10 pounds since the break, work out on a regular basis and still have my physical health; no more shakes, sweats or tightness in my chest. I am not the needy person I was when I met my wife two and a half years ago. My therapist and lawyer say that my situation was “special” and are happy that I still have my mental and physical health. Fortunately, my work was not affected adversely.
I am glad that you are doing well; I look forward to writing an article next spring about my divorce. It is a bit of a battle, but in time, I hope to continue the healing process and learn stay away from abusive personalities!
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