Comments on “550 Reader Comments on Dr Carver’s ‘Loser’ Article”
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104 Responses to “550 Reader Comments on Dr Carver’s ‘Loser’ Article”
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MiaFran80
Nicholas, Dr. Carver,
Nick, thanks for sharing your experience. It does help others, too.
Also, I agree! After being in a long term committed relationship with a loser, I have chosen to get help for myself (counseling) and to leave the situation.
Too much involved to mention but after so much time in this, I am still in defensive mode to see my own glaring issues.So with the counseling it will become clearer just how I contributed to the difficulties in the relationship. I have certainly enabled a lot of this to continue and deepen by either raging or ignoring it and keeping the peace, which was not being honest. Couldn’t find a middle ground until the last year and half where I could just ask him what was going on, and could we find a time to talk. That upset the apple cart. Then began the “Action/Reaction” you mentioned, Nicholas, with the back and forth interactions spiralling downward out of control.
Death of a relationship is awful but happens. I vowed I would prevent that at all costs, after all till death do us part, and it did cost me emotionally, professionally, even my faith and almost cost me my life.
I spent the past year or so perusing and commenting on the site and in counseling before I could make an informed decision and finally follow through.
There are a lot of good people who’ve been in my path since summer 06 when I first realized something was not right here. I make it a point to focus on and enjoy good things in people and to laugh a lot. I refuse to isolate myself anymore.l I love people.
It is very unfortunate that my soon to be ex is chronically unhappy and isolated. He has a diagnosis that won’t change no matter how nice, attentive, sacrificial, or whatever I am. Whether I don’t stay in school, or continue to work, nothing will make him happy or make him stop holding me at arms length, embarrassing me in public, accusing me of setting him up to leave him for a doctor or professor, or fill in the blank.
So On with Life!!
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margaret79
your question is perfect for Dr. Carver. Why not submit it to him? He’s the expert…
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Charles78
I love the article. It’s contemplative and actionable, but only for the person dating a loser. What can you do for help if YOU ARE THE LOSER? This article identified several traits and behaviors that I find in myself and genuinely hope to correct. I’m afraid of myself because this behavior is damaging to others who don’t deserve it, and in the very long run, myself because I will push away opportunities at a happy life with potentially great people. Please recommend ANYTHING; an article, a doctor, a website. Thank you for reading.
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Nicholas77
Hello Everyone,
I recently came across this website, and started reading the article. I have not read the user comments yet.
However I wanted to point out something I found that was interesting while reading this. Through your repetition of “The Loser”, and the gender changes from male and female (although it was most often male), I found myself finding behaviors and instances of “The Loser”’s actions that could be associated with Myself, AND my Ex-Girlfriend. I found that I had done some of these “Loser” things, and my EX-Girlfriend had also done many of these “Loser things.”
I just wanted to point this out that it often takes two to tango, so to speak, and you can easily be taking on the behavior of this Loser type while having it done to you at the same time. I guess what I am trying to say is that sometimes there is not just a victim and an assailant, both people can be the victim (because I am sure we have both negatively impacted each other throughout our abusive times) and both people can be the perpetuators of negative behavior.
I definitely appreciated this article because it made me slap my head a few times when I read about some of the emotional blackmail scenarios that my ex put me through. She would refuse any criticism and always pin things as my fault. Nothing was ever good enough for her. She would put me down consistently. She would give me the MEAN - SWEET - MEAN - SWEET treatment almost all the time.
However I found myself often times being unable to control my rage. I would flip out at her sometimes. I would make her try to feel guilty about all that I had done for her. I would threaten to break up a lot.
We are over now, after a long time together and many sort of break ups. It still pains me to see her go, I loved her blindly and I still care about her. However a lot of this behavior she was exuding and she will never realise it. She thought until the end she was perfect. Thanks for this great article. I think we all have a little Loser inside of us that can be written up to Immaturity or inexperience (in my case.) I believe as long as you identify your immature behavior and address it you can iron out these Loser type qualities as long as you don’t have too much of them. I will try to do for me. I fear that, as you stated, due to her bad family history she will never have the chance because she refuses to see any of her faults.
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76
Hi Carolyn,
I’ve just seen your comment come through, and I’ve removed the link you had originally supplied to your website.
Just to clarify, the opportunity to list a URL is provided as a courtesy for folks who’d like to leave comments along with a link back to their own site — sort of a “here’s my comment, and please visit my site” sort of thing. (For the same reason, site owners face a constant barrage of junk comments from spammers who just want to have another link to their site.) But in any case, listing a URL is entirely optional, and of course I’m happy to remove yours at your request.
All the best,
Gregp.s. Oh, and you’re right: email addresses are not displayed or used in any way.
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Carolyn75
Thank you Margaret for your comments. Hopefully, the link will be removed. I have contacted the makers of this website and asked them to do so. It scares the living daylights out of me that it is on there. I think I did not understand that i would be linked directly. That is really scary for me. And you are quite right. That is totally inappropriate. Mainly for reasons of mine and my daughter’s safety. I just fill out so many forms. I thought I had read that it would not be displayed, but that was for email only i guess.
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Carolyn74
I am sorry, i thought this was a collection of information, please remove the website. It is inappropriate for this to be published in a public list like this.
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73
I am terribly sorry for everything that has happened to you but I think it is very inappropriate that when one clicks on your name to respond an extensive page about your daughter, including photographs, comes up. I know you feel this is a loving thing to do, and I am sure it is an outlet for your angst, but she is just a child in a difficult situation.Does she deserve to have her picture and story (your story) on the world wide web? You may want to rethink what are you are doing.
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Carolyn72
I have read the “loser” article and wow! What a nice medical and legal jargon free way to very simply and accessibly explain what living in domestic violence is like! At the end, while i wasn’t laughing I have to say i did break a smile a little. Oddly, I find it intrinsically abhorrent to refer to any human being as a loser, but i do confide that it felt kind of ‘naughty’ and also liberating to hear a word so often and for so long directed at me, re-directed through my reading at the men who targeted me. I am happy to say that i have left them several thousands of miles away and have picked up my life anew. It took me approximately one year of NO CONTACT with the abusers to realize how deeply i had in fact allowed myself to be damaged, although inadvertently and without intention to do so. Unfortunately, I had to leave my daughter behind due to instances of his friends ‘lying’ for him in court.
I tell myself everyday that irregardless, I am better off. I tell myself, that she will see him for what he is one day and escape also. It is for this reason that I began to re-direct my energies to my own healing and happiness for the first time in fifteen years! I love this site. It is important for women like myself to cut through the mind glue with information like this. Thank You for providing it.
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Wendy71
Hi Alannah,
Yes, it’s as you say, one comes not to trust one’s own judgement any more in these situations. That’s just one more sign that things are not OK - you become emotionally exhausted and confused.
But the good thing is, you reached out to this forum as a low-stress way to get some perspective. And I agree with Margaret, that you ought to end this relationship. As you knew when you wrote it down, the way he treats you is not emotionally healthy, and unfortunately, five years of your kindness has not helped him to become any kinder himself. Alas, he is the way he is.
Depression is caused by a response to stress. You are in cognitive therapy to find less stressful ways to deal with life, so you can feel better. But as long as you are still experiencing this insidious stress at home (his emotional abuse of you) the cognitive therapy will be much less effective. It’s just up against too much!
You were little more than a child when you started your relationship with him, so establishing a new life will be hard, but you will feel the rewards quite soon. When your home is no longer a place of emotional danger, you will be able to relax and get your perspective and emotional balance back. And the therapy you are in will begin to work much better.
Spring is a time for new beginnings. I hope you come back and let us know how you are doing.
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