Comments on “550 Reader Comments on Dr Carver’s ‘Loser’ Article”
You are browsing comments for the story “550 Reader Comments on Dr Carver’s ‘Loser’ Article”.
You are currently browsing comments. If you would like to return to the full story, you can read the full entry here.
134 Responses to “550 Reader Comments on Dr Carver’s ‘Loser’ Article”
-
Alannah70
Thank you.
I just needed to hear it from some one else as I don’t trust my own judgement enough.
Thank you. -
69
No, dear Allanah, relationships are not supposed to be like this. They are supposed to be fun and supportive and secure, with the occasional irritation thrown in for good measure (meaning: can you PLEASE put the toilet seat down? Not “the world would be better off without you” or “I’m ok, you’re not ok”). You wrote that you are already in therapy so I would guess you are struggling with your own issues which is fine, good for you. But it also sounds like you chose a mean, little guy who gets his pathetic sense of power by using that against you.
Do you have any support system? A family you could stay with while you regain yourself? This guy is bad…an insensitive, inhuman jerk who doesn’t care at all for your well-being. I just can’t get over what a mean person he is. If I saw someone I loved in distress or pain, I would want to comfort them in any way I knew…not demean them or break them down. Unfortunately, because you don’t feel great about yourself, it’s hard for you to leave him now, but try. Try your best to get away and stay away from him. Go to work or school, talk to your friends, stop at the same shop for coffee in the morning, work out the gym, get a little routine going. Routines can be extremely comforting, creating a healthy place where you fit in…not where you are stuck or afraid of him. There is no magic bullet…just baby steps that seem hard to take, but soon you’ll be on your way. He is a bum. A weak man. Let him be someone else’s nightmare. -
Alannah68
Hello,
I’ve never been able to write any comments before. I think I’m in an abusive relationship. I’ve been with him for five years and we live together. For the past four and a half years he has been calling me names. I’ve been depressed for 13 years now, and more often than not feel that it is my fault he gets so angry. He say’s I piss him off and I should deal with the consequences. It’s my fault he is angry and therefore my fault that he say’s such hurtful things. I don’t know what to think any more. Since I first saw the ‘loser’ article I’ve been thinking, maybe he is abusive. He makes me want to kill myself so much. I have had some serious attempts, and swore before I met him that I would never end my life, that I’m better than that. I told him once, when he had been shouting at me for several hours continuously and backed me into a corner, I said something like, “You are going to make me kill myself soon, I can’t take this, you make me want to die” and he said “I think it would be best for everyone if you did.” Since then he has told me several times that he wants me to die. He tells me regularly that he hates me and that I am stupid. Which makes me cry as he is supposed to be the one person in the world who loves me and should care for me, but crying only makes him call me ‘pathetic’ and a ‘child’. I can’t live with this much longer. I am really scared I will kill myself, as I often think about how peaceful it would be to end it all.
But I am in cognitive therapy, and really just want to escape from him, not to kill myself. I just need someone to talk to. He hates all my friends, and, during the five years of being together, they have left, one by one, mostly because he can be rude to me in front of them, or because he was rude to them. Once one of my friends stood up to him for me, and now she is not allowed in my flat anymore. I am too scared to say any different.
It has helped writing all this down, thankfully he can’t read it, this time.
Am I just being stupid, are relationships supposed to be like this? I’m only 23, and already I am alone and feel so old and lost.
I hope no one hates me for writing all this. I just want to be loved, and I have so much love to give, and forgive so easily. Maybe that’s my problem :(
I forgive him every time, but he never forgives me for pissing him off in the first place.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Much love,
Alannah -
Deb67
Thank you both very much…and one last thing - the final piece of my puzzle just fell into place. Margaret, you asked me why I cared about the new gf…I thought about that… I’m the “third party” in all this and I remembered a parent telling me once that it’s great when your kids ask you for advice, but if your wrong - you feel awful. I’m the one that googled “teen relationships” and somehow got a link to this counseling site and the loser article. So when I took it to my daughter and she related so well to it, I felt I gave her the tools to end it. I felt responsible for them breaking up and was second guessing myself, especially when he was so persistent in trying to get her back, and then again when I saw him being so extremely nice to this new gf.
If any one of you had waivered from telling me he really does have issues - I may have crumbled. You didn’t - none of you…so you gave me the confirmation I needed that I helped, not hurt my daughter. And when Margaret said that it seems like I need to know if he’s treating this new gf as bad as my daughter - we’ll yes, because if I was wrong about him and my daughter maybe just lost “an overly devoted” bf and this new girl gets the opportunity of going to prom, and is being treated wonderfully, etc. … well, there lies the guilt…
So now I know why when he hugged her, I felt “relieved” that I didn’t do that much damage if I wasn’t right about him. For the same reason I wanted them to be friends - to relieve myself of feeling guilty. But again, you all cured me of that too. As you said - he made her unhappy, for whatever reasons, and that should be the end of it. And now it is.
Dealing with a personality like this has been the most emotional time our family has ever encountered - even my husband had been pulled into his manipulations. Don’t know if any of you have kids yet or not, but they will be grateful that you all know so much about this and can protect them — without feeling guilty!! And the most important - my daughter is happy she ended it when she did - she felt “smothered” by him. So I’ve come full circle thanks to you — and I really don’t know where we would be right now, if I wouldn’t have found this site! The best of everything to all of you!
-
66
Deb - we all get it here. I understand your need to make sense of it all. These situations are so troubling, but no matter what, your daughter’s happiness and safety is your primary concern. You sound like you care about that very much. A lot of these loser types can become abusive or stalkers (or worse). In fact, his getting a job in “her” store is, in my book, just a new way of stalking - very calculated. So, just go into “mother lion” mode. Protect your cub and he will eventually become irrelevant. I truly wish you the best.
-
Wendy65
Hi Deb,
Thanks for letting us know we helped! *smile*
-
Deb64
Oh, and pre-occupied. Absolutely…I felt like this was one huge puzzle that I couldn’t put together on my own - the pieces just wouldn’t fit trying to think of it in normal terms. You all seriously put it in order for me. Now, I can have closure.
-
Deb63
Hi Wendy, Margaret,
Yes, I’m definitely the “fixer” type…and you both are 100% right in everything you said - I needed to hear all that because yes, I was feeling I was pushing her in a direction she didn’t want to go and that was the main reason I was posting comments here. So you could straighten me out! :) She’s had bf’s before and we got to be friends with all of them…but nothing like this. And yes, I am very naive - everyone likes her and I know she’s a great kid so I thought he just really fell for her.You have ALL opened my eyes. I’m not glad it happened, but as with everything, you find the good in it which means I doubt if she’ll ever fall for that type of person again - or if she does - she’ll get out fast.
I promise, I will take all your advice and my daughter thanks you for that! Good luck to all of you and thanks so much!! Deb
-
Wendy62
I agree with Margaret all the way. Your daughter saw the writing in the wall and detached, and she may find your behavior at this point a little confusing. You may even be causing her guilt pangs! He is trying to keep her on the “back-burner” (getting a job in a store that he knows she frequents, etc.), and it sounds as if you are unintentionally helping him. It also sounds as if you are still very invested in your relationship with him, and very preoccupied. I feel like a schoolmarm, but this is inappropriate. You need to support your daughter and help her protect herself from him.
Although your daughter has described her experiences of him to you, you did not experience the emotional snake-pit that he was. She did. Help her steer clear.
-
61
Deb - this is going to be tough love. For whatever reason: maternal instinct, the “fixer” syndrome (which I had), naivete or the inability to let go of someone you think you can save, I believe you are more hooked than your daughter. You are bothered because he is treating his new GF better but also say you hope she makes him happy. Why do you care? The fact is, he made your daughter unhappy. That’s all that matters. If he is truly a “loser”, and all indications are he is, he is not going to be one bit different with his new GF. Give him time. His real personality just hasn’t revealed itself yet. I think you are looking for closure…proof that he is as bad with someone else as he was with your daughter. That doesn’t tend to happen on our time, although it would be so comforting if it did. Don’t wait for it. But I guarantee it will happen. Hopefully, by then you won’t care anymore. One of the difficulties of detaching from a loser is that they have distorted our reality so effectively that we believe “They’re ok. We’re not ok”. Ergo, whoever they find will be better and it will work out wonderfully. NO! Eventually they will do the same thing to the new person. Where we believe that love and belief and encouragement helps people, losers have contempt for whoever loves and cares for them. It’s hard to process. Your daughter is on the right track. She should keep the wall up. I had a HUGE need to prove I was the nice one…even after he hit me, among many other terrible things. All that did was set me up for him when he came back again. I had to prove I was “ok”, the good one, the kind one, the special one. And I did, at great expense to myself, emotionally, socially and financially. Let’s not even talk about self-respect. Guess what? The second time around was a repeat of the first. He lied, he used my credit cards, he cheated, he owed me money, he made me feel inadequate. Once again, I spiraled downward - depression, anxiety, mistrust, misery. I got to the point where I would think about his previous girlfriend and say to myself “she got away. Now I’m the one who’s stuck”. BTW…2 weeks after the second time around ended, he hooked up with woman who was, just like me and every woman before me, the “love of his life”. And he was sure to let me know it. That was seven months ago. He has already cheated on her, hurt her terribly and lied to her to maintain a roof over his head. Poor her. Is that the kind of thing you want for your daughter? Shut this guy off. Don’t do anything to suggest that he is “ok”. He’s not - not where your family is concerned. That’s all that matters. He knows he can play your daughter through you. These people are sharks. They smell blood and move in for the kill.
You are currently browsing comments. If you would like to return to the full story, you can post a comment there.
Pages: « 14 … 10 9 8 [7] 6 5 4 … 1 »