Comments on “550 Reader Comments on Dr Carver’s ‘Loser’ Article”
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228 Responses to “550 Reader Comments on Dr Carver’s ‘Loser’ Article”
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Wendy50
Hi Lisa,
This fellow relishes revenge, as he has admitted to you. You likely did the unintentional thing that hurt his feelings because you were so disoriented and upset by his treatment of you. This occurrence played right into his hands and gave him an excuse to “strike back.” The writing is on the wall that he will engineer this scenario again and again.
You are concerned about being “dragged through the mud” … well, as long as you are attached to him, he will drag you. If you are attached a little, he will drag you a little. Like Mack, I suggest that you break all attachment and chalk it up to a learning experience.
You can expect that when you sever contact he will be very critical of you, but remember, it’s not about your actions or inactions - he would be critical of you no matter how you handled this, so the sooner you completely end it the better.
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Mack49
Ok, I don’t know if this is what you wanted to hear, and please bear in mind I’m only qualifed by my own experience…
Run like the wind, lol!
I don’t even know that keeping someone who has no problem plotting to hurt you in your distant social circle would be wise — let alone keeping him/her in your circle of intimates. The little you’ve said of this guy suggests that he functions according to pattern: explode, withdraw; explode, withdraw; done it before, do it again. Why should you receive that? And why should you seek it out?
My vote goes to “not normal, not wanted,” but I’ll be interested in seeing how others read this.
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Lisa48
Hello all,
I don’t know if I have found a Loser but I feel that I might be in an emotionally abusive relationship.I met this guy few months ago and we started dating. Things were going quite well except when we had a few disagreements. Whenever he got upset with anything we would move into a phase of not speaking. Usually these “moments” lasted one day and I would give him his space. Two weeks ago we got into a major diagreement. I unintentionally did something that hurt his feelings and he went and did something in return to hurt my feelings INTENTIONALLY. I soon after got silent treatment for two weeks. I contacted him two weeks later to get some kind of closure because I didn’t think he would call me. At this point, he admitted to me that he was vindictive and wanted to hurt my feelings. I can still tell in his tone that he has not let go of my unintentional mistake.
At this point I’m just worried about being dragged through the mud. We have ended our relationship but decided to remain friends. I guess what I am asking is do you think I am in a “loser relationship” and if so what should I do? How often does one speak to an ex? (Now Friend?) Is this a normal break up?
Thanks for all your advice.
Lisa
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margaret47
Morris - don’t feel down about being an SOB - she’s counting on your guilt to eventually get the better of you. Think of it as a war zone…kill or be killed. You have to stay in survival mode. Trust me, I wasn’t always this clearheaded…I had to go through hell to get to hope. BUT living well IS the best revenge - my experience prompted me to start a new business in addition to the one I already have!
Take a look at my comment right before yours about a workshop to help people who have been the victim of losers. Dr. Carver is our speaker. [Editor's Note: This comment has been edited from its original form to include the pointer to the earlier comment by the same individual.]
Btw- my ex is now doing to his new girl EXACTLY what he did to me - he is scripted, just like all losers. I asked Dr. Carver “do these people EVER feel love”? And he said simply “No”. -
Morris46
Hi Everyone,
Just checking in; I quickly read the many articles that have been posted in the past few weeks.
I have been keeping busy, work, rejoined a health club and a week long business trip. The good news is that I am doing work and not “escaping” from my situation as before. I started talking with the young lady at the health club whom signed me up; she asked me where I was for 2 years; I sort of hinted about my situation and she started to ask questions. Yes, she is (was) one of us! On the business trip, I was accompanied by a client; again I hinted and guess what! He confided that his mother was very much like my soon to be ex wife.
My wife did try to get me to come back. She wrote some E-mails that were very manipulative. I sent these to my lawyer and read one to my therapist. My lawyer recommended NO CONTACT; and my therapist thought that my wife was “up there” for her “talent”. It will be a month this Friday; by coincidence, my lawyer and I are meeting with my wife and her lawyer. At my request, this will not be a face to face meeting but with me in one room and the wife in another with the lawyers as go betweens. The meeting will strictly be financial. My lawyer does have experience and can see that my wife is an expert manipulator; I know that in a face to face meeting, she will turn me into mush… The lesson here is not to play into her “strengths” if you can call it that.
Margaret:
You said it best by “detachment”. I have had many an episode of guilt but realize that I have to be a bit of an SOB; I sometimes feel down over how I have ignored my wife’s pleas but realize that it is just a game.Simone - It is never too late to get out of the “situation”. No matter what you do, it will continue as is or get worse.
Debbie - 17 years old or 40 years old: No difference. It’s tough but NO SECOND CHANCE! Guaranteed it won’t work out and then there will be the possibility of a 3rd, 4th and infinite number of chances!
CHANGE TAKES TIME! IT DOESN’T HAPPEN OVER NIGHT OR OVER A FEW WEEKS AND IN MANY CASES MONTHS OR EVEN YEARS!
From what I have read and through my therapist, we are dealing with individuals with personality disorders. Their brains are wired wrong! My therapist says that for the most part there is no hope for change.
Kathleen - Don’t go back! He will not change!
All - I know that in my own way, I was a contributor to the abuse. Staying in the marriage meant that I was contributing! Once I left the condo, I stopped the cycle of abuse. I ended the abuse. ONLY I COULD END THE CYCLE, NOT MY PARTNER!
All of us are caring individuals that for one reason or another, are magnets for these type of personalities. In my case, I was brought up in a bullying disfunctional environment. Let’s just say that I became my mother and married my father not once but twice. Go to therapy, read up on personality disorders; learn why we have become involved with these “losers”. This will be my calling for many months to come.
Take care. Time for me to go to a birthday party; this would have been forbidden but only a month ago.
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margaret45
I know this is an international board but I would like to let those in the Florida area know about a workshop we are doing here with Dr. Carver. I became very interested in Dr. Carver’s articles and this site after an experience with a dangerous loser. I contacted Dr. Carver and have developed the LoserRx workshop series which we plan to take across the US.
For anyone who might be interested in attending our Florida workshop and hearing Dr. Carver speak and address your questions in person, please go to LoserRx.com. You will find all the details there
To everyone here, reading your situations has helped me. Please know that with time and DETACHMENT, there is once again hope, vitality, happiness, joy, freedom and, yes…love.
Margaret -
Simone44
I am dating a ‘loser’!!! What the hell am I doing?? He rated 13/20!!! That’s so bad, the thing is I know he’s not going to change but it is so hard getting out of it, especially when there are kids involved, I just wish I had of seen his true colours from the very beginning!!
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Deb43
Yes, your right again…he had a job and moved to that store and made sure she knew about it…she had that feeling too. And, he got what he wanted because that’s where she saw him. We will definitely take your advice and steer clear of that store for awhile. Unfortunately its the “in” store for girls and she usually goes once a week. Oh well - she feels as you do - and wants to prevent any more contact.
And thanks again…the loser article, your advice, it has helped more than you know!
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Mack42
May I suggest that he’s counting on seeing your daughter in her favorite clothing store? I’m sure it’s *possible* that was the only store in town that would give an attractive, physically able, young man a job, but :-) I’m not entirely convinced! I’m betting he could have chosen to work somewhere else. He didn’t.
So I would suggest she give that store as wide a berth for as long as she possibly can. She doesn’t need to bump into him right now, and be forced to be socially polite. Not unless it’s truly unavoidable. In time it’ll be easy. But right now, it sounds like you all need a good long break.
I hope things settle down for you. :) -
Deb41
To Mack and Wendy,
Thank you so much for your insight!!! You both have made me feel so much better. Wow - I have been struggling with these feelings for months with no one to talk to about it and feeling I was abnormal to care so much. I guess I was confusing their youth and the quickness of love with immaturity, not abuse. But you explained it so well, now I get it. And you are exactly right about me being upset about failing - as he did turn to me throughout their relationship for advice and help with his family problems - and I think I did get him on the right road with a few of them. Now I know why I feel so attached - I can’t help anymore and he really does need professional counseling and won’t get it.There is always the good with the bad, and I have to say all this has sparked such an interest in my daughter that she has chosen child physcology for a career path and has chosen those classes for next year — just because we tried so hard to figure him out and couldn’t!!!! He is an extremely attractive boy that could act totally devoted, sincere, loving and affectionate to her and then be cocky, or depressed and unhappy the next. He would cry and tell her how much he loves her, then he would be extremely flirty to other girls whenever he had the chance. It just didn’t make sense! So much happened I couldn’t begin to explain it all.
Now as you are explaining all this to me, it does. My daughter must have been a fantasy to him as she is very caring and nurturing too — and when they got to know each other better and she put her foot down and told him to straighten out — he would try for about a week and then go right back to the way he was.
Anyway — I don’t want to ramble, but it feels SO good to have help by you all!!! I can’t thank you enough for your answers - they truly hit home. I still feel bad about him - but now I know why and can maybe talk myself out of feeling this way - I know I have to - he was bad for her - she knew that more than anyone and I am so proud of her for getting herself out of it and not turning back - she wouldn’t listen to his begging - I would.
I hope I can continue to comment once in a while as I might have further questions…he has taken a job at my daughters favorite clothing store so now we will be seeing him ocassionally. Dont’ want to do the wrong thing and start this all over again. You were exactly right in saying that if she gave him any encouragement during that phone call (which she told me she was careful not to) he would have clamped on. Just not sure how to act when we see him in the store. I know if I re-read your comments now and then, it will give me strength. Thanks again so much!!!!!
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