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365 Responses to “550 Reader Comments on Dr Carver’s ‘Loser’ Article”
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margaret351
Thanks Diane,
You know what they say: “write what you know”… (ha ha?)
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Mark352
Thank you everyone for your words of kindness and encouragment
margaret = power speaker!
Yesterday was a good day, I felt pretty decent for the most part….
today on the other hand, woke up, had a dream about my ex having sex with her ex….terrible…… and to make that worse, in the same dream there was me, trying to explain to her 4 year old son why I wasn’t in his life anymore…
dreams, I hate them…
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Christina353
Hi Mark,
It does seem that some days are harder than others…I do understand about dreams as I have always had very vivid ones; I actually had one about my ex last night that was representative of how the relationship ended. Regardless of our interpretation or the meaning we derive from the dream it really does make the situation more difficult when these dreams are especially real. Most times when I dream it seems that I actually lived what I dreamt!
It is interesting that my ex didn’t really dream much- I wonder if people that are abusive are so disconnected with the world around them that they don’t…This is perhaps a little off topic but I do think that dreams can tell you a lot and that in a way you are fortunate to be able to recall your dreams. My ethnic background is Greek and in Greek culture there is a very different perspective on dreams; instead of it being our subconscious working itself out there is the belief that it is the outside world that our dreams are the vessel of communication for. Dreams are considered to be messages, especially when they have a certain structure and certain symbols or certan people presenting themselves…Sometimes this makes more sense to me than the Western interpretation…
Anyhow, just some thoughts on dreams…sorry if it is a bit off topic…
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Mark354
Hi Christina,
It’s so weird that you say your abusive ex didn’t dream that often because neither did mine. She would never remember her dreams, or would just say she doesn’t have them. I used to think it was related to the fact that she smoked pot all the time, but a friend of mine who used to smoke pot a lot told me he used to have deeper dreams when he was high all the time.
You may be on to something.
That being said, the Greek perspective of dreams is pretty interesting, one of the most vivid dreams that I will never forget (this happened post breakup) was visiting my ex, in the future, about 10-15 years down the road and seeing her sitting on some steps looking really warn out, run thin as if life got the best of her and really run a negative course on her, I can’t really explain it any other way but she looked really sad, really old for her age, really troubled and just completely exhausted. Sad, but I always looked at it as an insightful dream as to what is to come of her life. But, at the end of the day, you can’t help someone who won’t help themselves, or who brings you harm.
sidebar – tomorrow (Sunday) is my ex’s birthday and Wednesday is her sons birthday, he’s turning 4…sigh…
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Ann355
Mark and Christina,
My Ex would also say that he didn’t dream much or that he couldn’t remember them when he did.
Interesting!!!
Take Care
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Wendy356
My former friend claimed that he very seldom dreamt. I think dreams often come from personal conflicts one is trying to solve. These people aren’t troubled by conflicts, and so they sleep the sleep of the “innocent”.
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margaret357
Mark – because of the sentimental nature of your feelings near their birthdays you may be tempted to send cards or in some other way reach out to say Happy Birthday. I would urge you not to.That will be a clear message to her that she reliably has you on “back-burner”, a very vulnerable place for you to be. So resist the urge, if you do feel it. (i know this from experience).
PS: Do you know how many girls would love to meet a great guy like you? Get out there!
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Christina358
It is interesting everyone’s comments about dreams; I think that maybe these people don’t dream so much because they are not really intune with the world around them…All their sensitivity is turned inward…
Mark:
It is really strange but my birthday is today! Not that there’s any meaning in that but it’s an odd coincidence. Birthdays can be hard- I am trying not to think about past ones and am going to try do something fun with my daughters. Fortunately I have some old friends and relatives I celebrated with on Friday night.
I do agree with Margaret- I have been guilty of that as well- a real moment of weakness for me…They really don’t deserve the thoughtfulness…
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Mark359
Christina – Happy Birthday
and no, I don’t have an urge to contact her…I would love to be there especially for her son but only if things were normal and I know they never will be so I know how bad it would be for me to contact her to wish her a happy bday because there really is no point, why care about someone who clearly doesn’t care about you…
and Margaret – thanks…but it’s only been just over 2 months, I can’t yet, I don’t think I want to get into another relationship till at least the summer time, last thing I want to do is be a rebound…as weird as it may sound because I hate feeling like this and I hate the pain I’m trying to embrace this experience so I can grow and learn from it as much as possible because I’m never going through this again and when I do have kids (my own) I will not lose them. Just hoping it doesn’t take me forever to heal! lol
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Wendy360
Hi Mark,
Your comment about embracing this painful experience doesn’t sound weird at all. I have had this same spontaneous determination, both about the situation with my former friend and other highly painful experiences (fortunately they’ve been very few!). At the time, I took the appearance of this notion as a sign that I was not totally overwhelmed – I could still take things, process them, and build on them. I think it’s a very good sign in you too.
~Wendy
p.s. Christina, happy birthday!
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