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365 Responses to “550 Reader Comments on Dr Carver’s ‘Loser’ Article”
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margaret342
Monique- I’m quite a bit older than you and MY mother didn’t like x. I thought “does my mother have to have an opinion here, at my age?” Guess what…my beautiful mother was right from start to finish. So listen to your mother: she loves you, she knows you better than you know yourself, and she has seen life – good, bad and indifferent. Her maternal instinct is working to protect her cub,for a good reason. Her cub is being hunted by a predator. Most important message: be strong. He will try time and again to win you back with the sweetest, most manipulative words of love that hook your feelings,the good times (there are always good times, even in the ugliest of situations), responsibility, guilt and empathy. (my x delivered a love letter to my office yesterday – 16 months and yet another girlfriend, after our last breakup).
If he detects weakness, vulnerability, guilt, loss, shame or low-self esteem, he will pounce. Dream of the future.
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Mark343
Hello everyone.
Just trying to get some support.
The past few days have been really rough, emotional roller coaster. I’m having a hard time coping with this, its been 2 months since the split and 3 weeks since I found out my ex is back together with her old abusive ex who she dated before me.
I keep thinking, what the hell is wrong with me, why would my verbally abusive ex break up with me and go back to the guy who hit her. I know that she left me because I would not follow her commands when she wanted me to move back in with her, but I can’t shake the fact that this has all happened, I feel like everytime I think of it, its just as devastating as it was a month ago…if not worse…I’ve been trying to focus my mind on positive things but it seems like the negative thoughts creep up just like that.
I just took a trip to visit a friend in winnipeg for the past 10 days and it almost seems like the closer I got to the end of the trip I got worse then I was before.
I just got off the plane and while waiting for my luggage a man walked by with his son and my eyes watered up because all I can think of is no longer having my ex’s son in my life and now he’s being raised by 2 abusive parents…it kills me, I’m grocery shopping and outta nowhere I want to cry, its so random, writing this my eyes are watering up…how do I move past this emotional attachment, I know I’m better off and I know in the long run I will look back at this and be able to laugh at how foolish I was, then why can’t I handle it right now, where does the strenght come from, I feel like I’m not built for it (that’s not a suicidal thought) I just feel like I can’t handle it on my own…I don’t drink, don’t do drugs, don’t believe in rebound relationships or one night stands to numb the pain…but I feel like no matter how busy I keep myself, it doesn’t help…
Am I so emotional because I’ve been in an up and down relationship with a tonne of highs and lows regularly and now that its not happening, is my having a hard time dealing a result of no longer having all of these emotinal extremes???
Thanks in advance…
P.s. I wish I could contribute to others problems on here but if I can’t make sense of my own issues I’m not sure how helpful I would be, although I do read everyones comments and my heart goes out to all those suffering from losers…
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Mark344
I also want to add that along with wanting to ball my eyes out all the time, I can’t stop relating everything to my ex, I see a store we may have went to once, never would I remember it but now it pops in my head, drive by a park and remember the time we went there, see some Christmas decorations at the mall and start remembering her son opening gifts, its ridiculous…I also feel at times like I’m going to vomit – are these signs of depression I should get checked out??
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Debbie345
Hi Mark,
All the people here can help with advice more than I, because I used their help quite a bit. But all I can say from our own experience is that yes, this was THE MOST emotional time of our lives. They somehow (and I still can’t put my finger on how) worm their way into your lives SO DEEPLY that it is so very difficult to forget them. It was very extreme for me to say the least. I had alot of trouble with this in my earlier postings and got a lot of advice which made me feel these were normal feelings with this type of relationship. My whole family invested so much time with him because he seemed so needy. That does take a toll on a nuturing type like all of us, especially when you see you couldn’t help at all.You thinking about her new/old bf – I think that was probably a little pang in all of us – what is their secret to getting along with them, when we couldn’t? Because you all invested a chunk out of your lives trying to make this relationship work, and it hurts not to succeed. But apparently their is no secret – because they do eventually treat the new ones the same way. Yes, you are lucky you got out – keep strong and know we all went through this. I’m not sure how anyone can get through a relationship such as this without some type of counseling, but others here are better at this type of advice.
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Christina346
Hi Mark,
I may not be able to give you the best advice but at least I can say that I completely empathize…I have been going through much of what you have been lately. I do really think it takes more than time to heal from such a relationship. Have you seen a counselor? I would suggest that, although the thing is that I always feel more emotional afterwards. Maybe that is working through the pain instead of getting over it (I think so often, even by family and friends for me, they expect me to “just get over it” and “move on” because I “am better off”)…I am thinking of asking about alternative therapies, perhaps hypnosis? Somehow it would be good to ‘forget’, to a certain extent at least, to be able to be able to live a functional and enjoyable life. Maybe there are others on here than have gone through different types of therapies that were helpful?
I too have had moments where something that would remind me of my ex would cause me to break into tears. I was at a birthday party with my infant and my two olders daughters and one of the fathers there asked if he could hold the baby. It killed me to see that and realize that her own father asked us to leave and has not seen her since she was ten days old. I actually had to leave the room. It happens too when I see fathers and their children and think “Why the heck couldn’t he be like that? Does he realize what he is missing?” Instead, my ex as well chose a very negative lifestyle as an alternative, living with his alcoholic brother who is just as dysfunctional as he is (in the home where we were living together!)
Anyhow, I am probably not being very helpful, but I surely UNDERSTAND, and she is the fool in this situation. I think that these people would somehow rather live a miserable existence than to really work at anything emotionally. Even if they are capable they don’t care. There might even be some sort of martyr mentality here where they are playing the victim.
Also, I think it has all to do with control with them. If you do not play the game like they want you to, then forget it; then you are out. There’s no real negotiation. With my ex, when I decided that I wouldn’t take any more of his verbal abuse directed towards me and my daughters he gave up instead of dealing with his issues and going to counseling. Even though he asked for my forgiveness and offered to do this, a couple of days later he took it all back and said it was ‘hopeless’. To be honest, the only thing that is ‘hopeless’ is the loser. He then told me it was all about ‘control’ with ME; just an example of his projections. I do believe that these individuals see it in very black and white terms as to whose controlling who. They do not see it as a partnership.
I am really sorry what you are going through, especially knowing that the child is in a potentially harmful situation. She is a very selfish (an understatement) woman for exposing her child to that. You can at least be assured that you have had his best interests at heart and have shown him love.
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Diane347
Hi Mark,
Everything your feeling is normal. Its just very hard for you right now. And your emotions are part of your memory. So it is quite understandable. We are all suffering in pain over the losses. Its really soon after all of this so just cry when you need to and go work on some of Dr. Carver’s to do’s (emotional memory article) to ease your painful memories. When you care about someone your bound to feel these things now and again. You’ll get through this and it wil get easier as the time passes.
For me its when I say Why? Why was this? sao educating myself has really helped alot. And another trigger is It could of been like this…but it wasn’t. So I have to change or shift into thoughts like these people are bringing up a memory that hurts so I am feeling all this emotion and for me personally I have to respect that feeling. And then remember that it 11-6-08 and that’s the past. And try to move on from today and will be good for me to think about or do instead.
Your right sometimes it seems so overwhelming. And our loss is not easy. And sometimes we can move to a better distance and other times we just have embrace it. Just know it will get better. It really will.
Take Care of Yourself!
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Diane348
Oh Mark, something else important is there are tests for depression here. And counseling can help too if you need it. Especially to explore why you may have a tolerance for these types of people. Dr. Carver often says we have to learn to lower our tolerance and by learning the red flags we can do that.
But its true that counseling may also increase the emotional effects because your reopening the memory files. Just like your experiencing in the store. But all of that is normal that’s how our brains work. For me it just helps knowing why it got triggered so I can add to it.It seems to soften the pain.
And get support from your friends and family. And definately keep writing here. Sometimes just having understanding just helps immensely. Every person at this site understands the emtionally tug of war that is happening to you. Know there is nothing wrong with you for these feelings. They are normal. Your not alone. We really do care and understand. Keep taking care of yourself. Diane
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margaret349
Mark – I wish I could make you believe you won’t always feel like this. Two years ago I was literally doubled over in pain from the grief, disappointment and confusion… raw, unrelieved sadness. You are in the depths of it now. I would be on planes, in airports, in foreign cities, in restaurants, on the street, at work, anywhere… my stomach would heave and my eyes fill with tears. I had to leave a cafe once to rush back to my hotel just in time to wail and cry in grief and misery. Awful. To this day, there is music I cannot hear, food I cannot eat, places I cannot go. Please accept that this will take time. But this too shall pass. You must stay away from her, otherwise you will be trapped in her toxic web and spiral downwards. Don’t EVER think she has changed. Do not let your sympathy or empathy override your good judgement. Do not try to rescue her or be her hero. Do not be a martyr to her dysfunction. Do not try to figure her out. Do not try to be a savior. That is a crying game. It will end in tears…and you will lose. Accept that you were in over your head. Consider a therapist. Think about anti-depressants (you may not want to hear that, but a side effect of these relationships is depression, and and unrelenting feeling of failure, inadequacy and self-recrimination). I know this sounds crazy, but start running. I call it the Forrest Gump cure. There is something about running (or exercising) that gives you a sense of power. For 40 minutes you can’t think about anything but your next breath…and then you feel triumphant. At first, it’s impossible. You go 3 steps, then 4, then a mile, 3 miles, 4…then you start to laugh!!! That mastery gives you back your self…who you were before you were crushed.
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Diane350
Margeret,
Time and time again you amaze me with your words here!
“At first, it’s impossible. You go 3 steps, then 4, then a mile, 3 miles, 4…then you start to laugh!!! That mastery gives you back your self…who you were before you were crushed.”
Even if you choose something else I hike at the beach. It works!
“Two years ago I was literally doubled over in pain from the grief, disappointment and confusion… raw, unrelieved sadness. You are in the depths”
And you just learn to move through it and towards a better tomorrow.
Thanks for your mastery and inspiration!
Diane
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