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365 Responses to “550 Reader Comments on Dr Carver’s ‘Loser’ Article”
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Diane
333Monique,
Get away! Get free! Find a way to detach and get as far away as you can from him. He is definately a looser/ PD type personality. He won’t cahnge and he will never treat with respect nor dignity. Glad you are back in school and working for your future. That is great. He will never say anything sensible to you and right. Make plans and get out of this. Do whatever it takes to get away before more physical injury happens. Please take care of yourself and get safe. Keep us posted on how its going.
Diane
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Wendy
334Hi Monique,
I’m sure you suspect what we are going to say – this fellow follows the classic pattern of someone who uses you and doesn’t contribute to your life. He is not interested in your welfare at all – spends your money – tries to make you give up your career – and doesn’t mind slapping you (you do mind slapping him; you did it in defense and probably felt awful anyway, and ended up agreeing to become engaged).
Even without the drug use and argumentativeness, it’s a bad scene. The best advice is for you to dis-engage and get him out of your life as soon as possible.
I know the feeling of excusing things by saying “he’s just being different”. I did this exact thing (for years!) when dealing with my former friend, and I thought he would appreciate that I put our friendship “first”, and would grow to trust me. But I know now that my reactions or lack thereof made no difference whatsoever – his habits were his habits, and trust was not on his menu.
Your fiance’s admission of lack of empathy is interesting, as my former friend often said that he had something weird about him that prevented him from expressing sympathy. The first time I heard this from him, not long after we met, we were on a hike and he was ahead of me and a branch whipped back in my face (at the time I never would have questioned whether he had anything to do with that). I stopped, as it had hit me in the eye, and I said, “wait a minute”. It was no biggee – I was uninjured, and my contact lens had miraculously fallen into my hand. But before I could say anything else, he launched into a long speech about how I could not expect any sympathy from him, that he had a blockage in that regard – and he went on and on, despite me trying to interject that it wasn’t an issue anyway, as I was fine and needed no sympathy, and that he didn’t need to worry.
It was one of those weird moments. Can’t help comparing notes with you!
I think he was spoiling for a fight, because he had an air of physical frustration after this, like a race horse whose race is called off. Now that I think back, he did fly into a rage (for the first time in my experience) shortly after we returned home.
You probably have had similar experiences. Don’t stick around for any more of them – they really wear you out!
Best wishes and keep in touch,
~Wendy -
Clara
335Hi Monique, You are lucky to have found this website. I was with my ex for 2 years, the last year his behaviour accelerated and got worse in every respect. More violent, more controlling,more confusing, more crazy. I couldn’t understand what was going on until I found this website and the loser article. Your fiancee sounds like an absolute nightmare and after just 7.5 months, all you can expect is for it to get worse. Dr Carver says that stress, like getting married or having kids actually makes these people behave more crazily. You have to detach quickly before you get even more involved. Follow the guidelines, become boring, he may have a break up panic , if so stay with friends or get the police involved. I had to but it was worth it, I am now free of him and able to live in peace. Don’t waste another minute of your life on this loser, remember they don’t know how to love, they are sociopaths. If you stay with him you are looking at a life of misery. Good luck.
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margaret
336Monique, you need to go back and read your letter. If your sister or a friend wrote this to you, you would say, “GET OUT NOW!!” There is nothing in your letter that bodes well for this relationship. Nothing. This is an unequivocal train wreck. If you stay in this, you will end up worse off than you could ever possibly imagine. Yours is truly one of the worst “loser” cases I have read here. As I read your post, I was thinking “bad, worse, worser”. Then I got to the end where you said “I’m 22, he’s 35″. I almost got sick! Not because of the age difference, but because he isn’t a young, dumb kid.He is exactly who he is going to be… forever. An absolute catastrophe. You are at a critical point: are going to be part of the catastrophe, or are going to grab the life preserver. Forget your emotional and financial health for a moment.This guy is promiscuously operating in a homosexual underworld…meaning he isn’t honest with you about it, so that you can take precautions. He’s flying beneath the radar, lying to you. Do you have any idea of what you are exposing yourself to physically???? You are flirting with danger on a scale that you cannot imagine. You say you “confront him” with things you find on the internet and he deflects or denys them.What do you expect him to say????? “Yes, I’m a male prostitute? Yes, I am an internet troll? Yes, I cheat on you? Yes, I flirt with my ex. Yes I like depravity and deception” ? WAKE UP! For your own sake. You are young, smart and have a future. I would bet all the bad decisions you made recently are related to your relationship with him. You are playing a dangerous emotional, mental and physical game by trying to rationalize this. Cut your losses now and begin your life anew. You say you haven’t been happy since you got engaged. Engagements are happy, exciting times. This isn’t an engagement.This is an entrapment. Put this behind you and find a way to get your life in order and go forward. You deserve so much better than this.
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Diane337
Hi Monique.
Good For You!
Great!
You will BE everyday alittle stronger from your decision!
Always remember to come back and read when you feel the weakness and grief…
We’ll all be sending you strength!
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Wendy338
Hi Monique!
I was so glad to read your good news!
It’s normal to feel doubt, so don’t worry that you feel it. It’s a normal reaction to walking away from whatever weird affection this fellow gave you and the natural affection you returned. In the back of our brains we see all affection as good. But this situation wasn’t!
Talk to your mom and your friends a lot – that will help. And blarb here on the forum whenever you want.
Best wishes,
~Wendy -
Christina
339That is good to hear. I know it takes a lot of strength to do…Although you will most likely feel pain in the process, you will be better off without someone like him. Thank goodness you never married him…
I read your previous post and the situation sounded horrible- totally unacceptable behavior…
Be strong!
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