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365 Responses to “550 Reader Comments on Dr Carver’s ‘Loser’ Article”
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Diane311
Hi Christina,
You know it is kind of like mourning that feeling. And its a shock to learn how these people think so it is definately a process to get healed.Sometimes I think of it as grieving a falsehope. Finding out they come from a completely negative perspective that is unhealthy for anyone to be in. Have you used any of Dr. Carver’s emotional memory help yet? I liked the one on using humor. It helps take the pain away and made me just laugh alot.
I hope the job hunting goes well. Stay Safe! Remind yourself you are safe now.
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Christina312
I think that the feeling is like mourning, mourning a life like you would have wanted it to be…You feel like saying to the Loser, “Why did you have to ruin everything?” It seems so unnecessary, but perhaps to them it was inevitable because they don’t have the goodness to bring to a relationship. I remember in the beginning when my ex would get into a rage, over something that did not merit it at all, I would try to engage him. This of course did not work and made his verbal abuse even worse. I soon learned not to respond, at all, usually ending up crying, which he didn’t like either…Anyhow, I said on a couple of occasions, no wonder you don’t have any friends if you treat people like that! He thought I was being ‘cruel’ but it was a fact that he had absolutely no long term relationships that he had maintained by age 39, except for his nuclear family. I knew from the beginning that this was not a good sign- to be honest I wish I had read the ‘Loser’ article before I met him!
I have been trying some of the emotional memory techniques, although I am not sure how well it is working. I am not sure if it is too soon to work well? I do now recognize that creating new memories that will overshadow those of the life we had together will help.
I mentioned that I am looking for work (I am a teacher); it will be good when I find something. Part of the shock I find myself in is that we had plans for me to stay home with the baby for the first year since she was born at the end of July. This also has to do with the fact that hiring happens in the spring or summer. Anyhow, not only am I without a husband, but without the opportunity to find a job in my field. I know something will come up. I still think to myself, he couldn’t have had the decency to at least let me stay in the house until I found a means to support my children, not to mention recover from childbirth. Of course I know now the disgusting truth that he has no decency.Thanks again for all of your support,
Christina
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Morris313
Hi Christina,
Regarding your situation, I believe that you have to go back to Washington to conclude the divorce/separation proceedings; this is what I am reading into this.
You will have a lawyer, right?? I don’t know if you are going to court or if this is negotiations. What I did during my negotiating was to insist that I be in one room with my wife in another room. I knew how manipulative my wife was so why play into her game? The settlement went smoothly (she did try to change things a few months later, but failed). In your case, it is more complex; I can see how you would wave support so that your ex had no visitation rights. No matter, going back to WA is something that you have to do in order to gain closure. If it is negotiations, then try my approach and have one of the lawyers shuffle back and forth between rooms; it worked very well for me!
Forget his family; blood is thicker than water, perhaps his Aunt and Uncle but forget the rest of them.
All,
A thought; my situation, my job has been tenuous over the past few weeks; much of my retirement has been depleted also. I am stressed; for those of you wrestling with your feelings about your losers, consider this:
If I was still with my wife, I would be in debt; we sold our condo in June at a profit, now nothing is selling. My friends and family see my stress and remind me of just how bad things could have been.
Imagine going through what you are going through now; I am sure that most of you out there are having very similar concerns. Now imagine going through this with your losers in tow!
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Christina314
Hello Morris,
I do have a lawyer (I had one from the beginning from the time my stbx told me to leave; I believe he and his family were trying to catch me in a situation where I would leave and then it would seem as if I was fleeing with our daughter). We are trying to negotiate a settlement so I won’t have to go out there but I doubt that they will be that cooperative (I am saying ‘they’ because the father took over the legal process for his son!) As far as visitation goes I am requesting that he have a psychological evaluation if he wants to pursue a relationship with her. I am not sure what the response will be to this but I am quite sure he won’t follow through. In any case, the ‘parenting plan’ we have set up allows him supervised visits as frequently as he wants (in MA). I do know that he does not want to put himself in a situation where he will have to explain himself or feel uncomfortable. I have not heard a word from him since we left WA.
As far as court goes, my sister suggested a closed hearing. I don’t really know if that would be best or not. I do know that I would like to see my stbx present himself in front of the judge after what he pulled.
I do look forward to the time when I actually feel relieved that he is not in our lives; it is very hard since I have the constant reminder of our daughter, who never deserved to be disregarded.
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margaret315
Morris – if it is any comfort, anyone who has ever saved for the future is feeling the pain of the markets now. You don’t have to be a victim of a loser to see your pension, 401K or portfolio decimated…so that’s the upside! (sometimes I think “Is there NO justice?” While I’m in financial panic mode, my x loser doesn’t even have to worry because he never worked, saved or had any money to worry about! He can just go on his merry, unconscious way.)
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Wendy316
Hi Christina,
You are a very smart woman! What presence of mind, to have all these bases covered (like getting a lawyer before you left) during such a stressful time.
As for your daughter, being “disregarded” (which she need never feel) is much better than the life she would have had with your stbx for a father figure. She is the lucky one here – she never had to experience his treatment. And, with consistent loving parenting from you, she is very unlikely to “take after” him in personality.
Best wishes,
~Wendy
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Diane317
Hi Morris, Margaret, And All,
Yeh! I for one feel that sting. If I had only turned my paperwork in 2005. Financially I would be in heaven.
Now I am in debt and my work is minimal compared to then. Back then I was at zero debt. Most of my debt has been living in away that is keeping me safe from being at home for me and my son. And keeping my distance to achieve my sanity back and gain strength back from all this exhaustion. And making sure my youngest son isn’t paying the price for his father’s PD episodes. Though he still does pay at times. The last six months he no longer has anyone over because he says its too much work. The dealing with his father is too overwhelming for him. My husbands work practically non-existent too. The cancer recovery still going on. Both of us are not having a good year financially. I keep wondering if I should just go for it or wait to file papers till I can not keep the distancing thing going on. I am actuallly thinking what other work could I do if my work doesn’t pick up more. I had some pick up with one client and a scare at another site that they are stopping everyone down to the bare bones. It sucks for most of us. So I just am glad that my strength is much better now. And all of you here have helped me keep my sanity level up. I did the depression tests the other day and am in good standing there. Yipee! So I carry on with self-care for me and my son. And the rest will come, the final exit plan will come together. Because it has to now. I no longer hold that hope and have been lifted out of the crazy-making sphere. Thanks to all of you for that….Diane
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Diane318
Hi Christina,
Ditto that! Wendy is right!
I am glad you have a lawyer and you are safely away from him. Feel the blessing of that for your daughter’s safety and all of you. It is such a good thing that those miles are in between you and him. And she doesn’t have to bear the weight of his crazy-making and that of your father-in-laws.Good for you!
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Ann319
Hi Christina,
I’ve seen divorce hearings where the husband is in the military overseas and the wife was in the US. They had a telephonic hearing. Could they do that? It would seem to me that you shouldn’t have to travel 3000 miles for this.
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Mark320
If anyone could give some advice, it has been 2 months since my emotionally abusive ex and I have split, about a month since I have known she has gone back to her physically abusive ex (father of her child) still do not see anything getting easier at all, mornings are what makes it difficult for me, I sleep, I dream, everything is great, I wake up to reality and its painful…I have a feeling this is going to be a very long healing process and I just cant wait for a year to pass by..
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