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365 Responses to “550 Reader Comments on Dr Carver’s ‘Loser’ Article”
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Ann
301Wendy,
Thanks for your response.
My Ex currently lives with his sick mother. He hasn’t lived at home since he was sixteen. He moved out of his parent’s house because of the abuse he would get from his father. He finally got tired of the abuse and punched his father in the face breaking his false teeth.
Now 34 years later he back living with his dying mother and I can’t help but wonder if he will abuse her as well. He has always taken care of his mother and would do chores around her house. Seems to respect and love her. I think that as long as she doesn’t go against anything that he says or suggests she should be fine, but if she shows any resistance what so ever he just may abuse her emotionally.
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Christina
302Although I fully understand the ‘no contact’ rule, I am having a problem in that my stbx husband and I have an infant together, live on opposite sides of the country, and he will have no contact with me regarding what his intentions are with respect to a relationship with his daughter. We are on the other side of the country because soon after my daughter was born he and his family essentially kicked us out, ‘told us to go home’, along with my 2 other daughters. The father served me with divorce papers on behalf of his son 2 weeks after our daughter was born and my stbx completely disengaged. All of this came to a head when right after I returned from the hospital my stbx had a terrifying rage episode directed at me and my daughters (during this rage he threatened my 6 year old that if she misbehaved any more that he would take her kittens out in the woods and kill them!- at the dinner table!). This happened while I was nursing, trying to hold myself together. I finally challenged him and excused my daughters from the scene- he then told me I had no authority and did nothing to deserve any. Anyhow, the next day he came home from work early and profusely apologized and offered to go into counseling, which I said he had to do because that kind of behavior was no longer acceptable. Three days later he took it all back and said it was over and that we all (my daughters and I) had to leave, that his father (who owned the home) would be evicting us. He did ‘offer’ to take the baby and have his parents raise her since I would be overburdened!
Anyhow, I am trying to move on…We moved back to the east coast to where I am from originally (he did not want us in the area). I know it is healthy that we have no contact, but we have an infant together and I feel there has been absolutely no closure. The injustice of how we were tossed aside really eats at me and I am feeling the desire to expose all his family’s nasy little secrets (I know that is why the family wanted me out of their hair). I also feel burdened with the knowledge of a lot of the illegal behavior they have been involved in. I am not naturally a vindictive person, but considering the way I have been treated should I feel any obligation to protect them? -
Diane
303Christina,
Hi! Don’t contact him! What happenen to you and your children is horrendous. Be glad and grateful that you are safe and far away from him and his family. My opinion is you should not pursue anything in regards to him. Better for you to concentrate on caring for yourself and your children. Make that the highest priority. When dealing with these types of people closure is not a possibility. For your protection and your childrens stay clear of all contact. You’ve been blessed by the distance so keep that up. That whole family is very sick. Stay away and keep safe.
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Ann304
Hi Christina,
It is very hard to believe that a man and a father would throw his family out on the streets. This is absolutely unforgiveable. This is not a man. I’ve seen tom cats make better fathers than this guy.
He may never have any contact with his child. If he does it would be just a sick attempt to reconcile with you. Then if you did go back with him you’d be getting kicked out everytime he get’s a bug up his butt. Are you willing to live that way for possible the rest of your life?
Don’t worry, he’s thinking about you. He’s worried that you may be able to live without him and that frightens him. Show him that you can live without him by not having any contact him what so ever.
You need to get yourself strong so when the time comes and he does contact you, you’re able to tell him where he can go.
And as for revenge, THE BEST REVENGE IS TO LIVE WELL.
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Christina305
Thank you so much for your input. It all does seem unbelievable. I am still in shock. Fortunately, I was and am very close with my stbx’s aunt and uncle who lived next door and were witness to everything. The aunt stayed with me until I could make arrangements to leave because she was afraid for my safety (there were weapons in the house that had been removed by the father after the final rage episode).
I do know that no contact is best but it is very likely that I will have to go back out there (WA) for a trial, although I know his family likes to stay off of government radar so I am not sure if they will try to avoid this. I know that it is most likely impossible to get closure from someone who is not sane and has no conscience. I know I will have to find it on my own. I also know that I have to stay strong, although I find it hard to believe he will ever contact me in that he thinks I think so poorly of him that he couldn’t face me. But then maybe that would mean he has some sense of shame, which probably is not the case.
I am still having a very hard time accepting how someone could treat others in such a way. He was actually there during the delivery and was wonderful. It was a different person, or just a farce? It is mind boggling… -
Ann306
Hi Christina,
He should be ashamed. He should be very ashamed of himself. I know it’s hard for you. You don’t know how anybody who could watch the birth of their own child end up not wanting any contact with them. You can’t figure him out. Stop wasting your precious energy thinking about him. Try allowing only a few minutes everyday to think about him, but remember only the bad times when you do.
Someday soon you are going to look back at this time and say to yourself, “Why did I waste all that energy on him?” Take care of yourself. Take the kids out for a walk, a movie, something normal. Take up a hobby, say like scrapbooking. Take pictures of yourself and the kids in your new life. They probably will have smiles on their faces in these new photos.
You will get through this and you’ll be a stronger, smarter and better person for it. Think of it this way, he’s done you a favor.
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Diane307
Christina,
It is really hard to understand abusive mindsets but it helps to so we can stand firm on the health and beneficial life we deserve. So we are not sucked back in by their manipulations or our side effects of low- self-esteem and good heartedness. They are not like us and we have to learn that first and foremost.
Don’t go back unless you have to. And if you do end up having to go to court protect yourself by letting law enforcement know and not being there for any longer than you have to.
I know its hard not to have normal healthy relations but you really did not have them. So get yourself educated here so you can fight any feelings that won’t keep you and your kids safe.
Best of luck and hope each day finds you in caring surroundings. And this past gets farther behind you and your kids.
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margaret
308Christina – the brutal reality:
1) “I find it hard to believe he will ever contact me. He thinks I think so poorly of him.” You are WAY overestimating him. You are projecting your normal thought processes on his abnormal self. He doesn’t think you think poorly of him because that is not within the realm of his thought processes. He wouldn’t be able to comprehend it because he doesn’t think he did anything wrong. He will contact you again…when the time is good for him, when it benefits him. It will sound all nice. he will say all the right things. Beware a wolf in sheep’s clothng.
2) “But then maybe that would mean he has some sense of shame, which probably is not the case.” Not probably…definitely. He has NO sense of shame. He does not feel guilt. They live in a world of “I’m ok. You’re not ok.” They never, ever get it. No matter how disruptive, empty or meaningless their lives become.
3) “He was actually there during the delivery and was wonderful.” No he wasn’t wonderful. he was ACTING wonderfully. Who you see when he rages and is hateful is the real him bleeding through the false self. Who you see when he is nice is an illusion…something he does to get something he wants.
Finally, do not seek justice or revenge. You never, ever win with these people. That is a cold, hard fact. What’s more you say they live beyond the law, so they clearly have no boundaries of right, wrong, good or evil. Do not get in their way. Do not do anything to provoke them. Fade out of their lives and look froward to a happier future. Try to avoid the divorce court. I doubt you have to be there. You say there have been weapons. This is a dangerous situation for you. As someone else said…be glad you and your children are far, far away. You could have (and likely, would have) ended up a domestic violence statistic. As far as I’m concerned you dodged a bullet either figuratively or literally. Don’t temp fate.
You sound like you are still in pain and are struggling. That’s is understandable. these people drive you into depression, confusion and chaos. Some short-term therapy might help just to talk it out. And so that you have the understanding and strentgh to shut the door when he comes calling again, in a month, in a year, in five years. Read Dr. Carver’s email to me a few pages back… -
Christina309
Thank you all for your thoughtful input. My mind knows all those things that you say but now it is now a question of making my heart ‘get it’, which I know is necessary if he happens to contact me again. I know that I would be vulnerable to that because of my emotional state at the moment. I have been seeing a counselor weekly but to be honest I feel worse afterwards in that it just reaffirms how horrible the situation is and how horrible he treated me and my children. Maybe this has something to do with the emotional memory Dr. Carver talked about. It is also hard in that what he put me through seems to pervade everything, that it feels impossible to get it out of my head. I do hope that this gets better and I am focusing (without a choice really) on getting a teaching job and just managing in general on my own. The thing is is that everyone I know is relieved that I am safe but I don’t feel relieved! I guess I should, but I feel devastated and weakened instead. I do imagine that that will get better but those feelings haven’t seemed to over the past three months. Perhaps it is just the realization of how horrible of a person he really is and that he’s not going to repent or ‘come around’ to acknowledge his errors. Thank you again for all of your support…
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Wendy
310Hi Christine,
Your description of your feelings at this point rings true in every respect. I expect many on this forum are familiar with the feeling of knowing we should be relieved once we are away from the person who was harmful to us, but being too worn down and saddened to appreciate our improved situation.
It’s normal, and it will pass with time. Although Dr. Carver points out that “time doesn’t heal all wounds”, I think what he means is that time doesn’t do it by itself – it’s the new experiences that we populate our minds with as time goes on, which eventually make the bad events seem to fade into the past (feel less “immediate”). In his artlicle on emotional memory he gives advice on helping this process along.
You are emotionally sore – it’s normal, because you’re normal. And, being normal, you’ll heal. It will probably be helpful that you are now forced out into the world to get a teaching job. You’ll feel tired, but it will be worth the fatigue to “repopulate” your mind faster!
Best wishes,
~Wendy
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