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89 Responses to “550 Reader Comments on Dr Carver’s ‘Loser’ Article”
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Josh30
Oh my god. After reading the ‘Are You Dating a Loser?’ article, my eyes are opened wide and I can see everything that was wrong with my ex. I am still in love with my ex, and I was brooding over her and trying to win her back. But after reading that article and finding out that she fit into 12 of those 19 categories, I am so glad she broke it off with me.
It even happened with the quick attachment and expression point. She said she was falling in love with me in the first couple of weeks, and when we broke it off, a month or so later, she had no feelings for me at all anymore. I can’t believe how much she fit into these traits. She would bite me, hit me, go off on temper tantrums about tiny little things and then be fine the next day. She criticized me about how I didn’t rub her back enough or do other little things for her, she would pose huge double standards, like that it’s okay for her to have guy friends, but not allowing me to have any friends that were girls, She would be over all the time and would question me about quite a lot of stuff.
It all started with the ‘Honeymoon’ phase too. She was so sweet and great when we first started dating, then came the signs about a month and a half into it. Luckily, she broke it off with me at the 2 month mark. I really wanted her back too and cried often about losing her, because she had so many good traits, I didn’t even realize that there were so many bad ones. She even cut herself in the past too and talked often about suicide thoughts and cutting herself, even though she never did in our relationship.
Thank you for this article, it has enlightened me and opened my eyes to what she really is. She may have even destroyed her ex before me, she is living with him currently because they have a lease still, and he turned into quite an abuser himself, and cut himself and all of that.
She is interested in a new guy now, and he doesn’t even know what he’s getting into. At first I was jealous and all of that stuff, but now I feel sorry for the poor chap. lol
Thank you,
Josh -
Morris29
Hi Kathleen,
Thanks ever so much for your contribution; if you review past threads that go back years, you will take heart and see that there is light and “life” at the end of the tunnel.
It appears that you have finally got out of the “relationship”. It appears that you were caught up in the “cycle of abuse”; the abuse was verbal, psychological, mental (many synonyms describe this). I found the following sites to be particularly helpful; abuse on women is also covered, note that abuse is not gender specific…
http://www.lilaclane.com/relationships/emotional-abuse/male-victim-abuse.html
http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/men/page5.html
When you look at the cycle of abuse, there is a “honeymoon” cycle. The cycles can be from a few days to a few months; in your case, the “long” cycles resulted in breakups with later “honeymoons”; candy, flowers, promising to change, going to therapy etc. etc. etc. Loser or abuser personalities also try to tug at your heart to suck you back in; you mentioned that you felt sorry for him that he couldn’t maintain the relationship. Did you mean “relationship” or “himself”? Unfortunately, I have been in back to back abusive marriages; the common tact to stretch these out was my significant others acting helpless among other methods. At the start of the “relationship”, he was probably charming. After about 6 months though he started to “shape shift” into his true form! You got sucked into trying everything to get back the man you originally fell for. Kathleen, this man never existed.
My soon to be ex did not believe in therapy; she did start going about “another issue”; but not the marriage. Your ex probably tried therapy more to appease you and try to “win” you back; my understanding is that therapy on people with his personality, like my soon to be ex, doesn’t work. It can only work if they really believe that they have issue that must be resolved in order to have a relationship!
Losers and abusers will also try to turn the tables. I have been in therapy for close to a year, therefore, I am the one with the issue! We try to do everything to appease our significant others, give them attention, love them and neglect ourselves in doing so. When we bring this up, they say that we do not love enough and that neglecting our needs is selfishness. When you try to reason with your ex about his driving, then you are controlling and dominating! You mentioned honesty. My soon to be ex was married twice before, she said that her 1st husband was emotionally and sometimes physically abusive and that her 2nd husband was controlling; I can now only question what the real truth was.
Albeit it is never too late to leave an abusive situation, it appears that you were close to the end of your rope. You mentioned leaving your ex one night, having a few drinks and then driving home. In my case, I started to neglect my health (limited or stopped exercising to appease my wife), started tranquilizers and even contemplated and threatened suicide so my wife would stop the abuse! It didn’t work nor will harming yourself work.
Take time and understand your situation. Go to therapy and try to figure out why you got entangled in this “relationship”. I have put “relationship” in quotes; you have to realize that you were never in a “healthy” relationship just like I was not in a “real” or healthy marriage. My therapist is working with me so hopefully; I won’t keep repeating the same mistake and understand what a real, healthy relationship is about. My therapist told me that it takes two to be in an abusive “relationship”. To stop the abuse, you have to get out of the relationship. Another analogy is a dance partner that keeps stepping on your toes or kicking you in more sensitive places; in order to stop the pain YOU have to stop dancing! Remember, your “partner” was very happy in the “relationship” because it was unhealthy and abusive!
Enjoy your downtime; before I met my soon to be ex, I was very lonely. Now, I go home to a quiet relaxing apartment ALONE and blissful. I now realize that I need time to heal and become whole just like you need time to get your self confidence back. When you do, that special someone will more likely step into your life rather than stomp on it; you need to recognize that you are a good person and deserve likewise.
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Morris28
All,
Thanks for your continued support. It has been “D-Day plus 6″ for me as of today; the same day my father entered the European Theatre in WWII.
I figure that like D-Day, making up my mind to end the marriage was the toughest step; like the allies, I still have to slug out the war or, in my case, divorce and settlement for another year.
No matter how the divorce goes, I am braced for the worst, just going home to a peaceful apartment, without the dread of what my wife will do next, is worth it!
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Wendy27
Hi Kathleen:
What an insightful post - you expressed so well what can happen and how it can feel. My former friend (I typed “fiend”! LOL) was very similar, and was also a self-professed paragon of honesty. You’ll feel bigger and better soon. These days I feel like a Christmas tree whose dead light bulbs are miraculously coming back on, one by one.And Mack: “Not fit for purpose” - pure gold.
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Mack26
Hey Kathleen: You said, “He was, also, not honest with me in many areas, but I did not realize it, at first, because his type, the crying, begging, impulsive type, appears to be completely upfront and honest. You tend to think that their dramatic behavior has its source in their inability to mask emotion, so you figure they are the most honest people around. This is not so. You will discover that they have lied and misrepresented many things, even their age, past relationships, and other basic facts…” I nodded to myself as I read that. The appearance of vulnerability is just a front to prompt *you* to let your guard down, and as soon as you do, they take it as a sign they can scratch away at you with impunity.
The old phrase “not fit for purpose” matches your description of that guy. I too am glad that you now know his game and have rid yourself of him. You’re absolutely right: you deserve better.
Your self-esteem will return. It’ll take time though, and a determination to keep a pier and a bridge between you and the crocodile all the while. Be patient with yourself. And don’t give him any room in your new life. He wouldn’t know what to do with it even if it came with a manual. :-)
All the best! -
kathleen25
I knew Smitty was a loser, but I was still very attached to him, mostly because I felt so sorry for his inability to maintain our relationship. Every time we would be together, he would start yelling and cursing at me for trivial offenses, like not leaving my shoes in the right place by the door (no shoes allowed in that house), or not putting the bags away fast enough. He would even stop his car when I was following him, get out, and come back to my window and shout at me for driving too slowly, when he was exceeding the posted limit by 20 miles. I was always afraid that I would do the wrong thing.
If I ever said something that was in any way critical of him, he would immediately shout “Stop busting my balls” which was his crude way of saying that I was being some overly-dominant, demanding woman, something I am definitely not.
I ended the relationship several times, each time agreeing to “try again” to his tearful, very sad apologies. He was forever leaving gifts of food, flowers, candy, etc. at my doorstep. These actions would melt my heart, and make me think that there really WAS a good person in there, and I would get hopeful that he would stop shouting and cursing at me. That good person inside was the one that I loved, if I could just locate it.
After he began therapy, I took him back, again, only to be screamed and cursed at the next time we were together (my offenses were parking my car incorrectly, putting my purse on the floor too close to the heater, etc.) . I left his home late one evening, in an inebriated state, which I knew was dangerous, but I simply had had enough, and was NOT going to stay over with him, only to have him act like nothing happened the next morning: I had to leave right then, and, thankfully, I arrived home safely. That was the first time that he did not make an effort to go back with me, so I felt very fortunate–I did not have to say “good-bye” to a begging man. Instead, he must have realized that it really was OVER.
His verbal tirades definitely did lower my self-esteem: my adult children and a few friends remarked at how I had lost my ambition and much of my joy of life recently, not knowing the source of it. Smitty would blame me for being “too literal” saying “you take things too much to heart” and thereby make it seem that I was the one who was at fault.
He was, also, not honest with me in many areas, but I did not realize it, at first, because his type, the crying, begging, impulsive type, appears to be completely upfront and honest. You tend to think that their dramatic behavior has its source in their inability to mask emotion, so you figure they are the most honest people around. This is not so. You will discover that they have lied and misrepresented many things, even their age, past relationships, and other basic facts.
What I learned of greatest importance in this episode, which lasted less than four long months, is that simply loving a person is not enough to support a relationship: you have to be able to enjoy just being with the person, spending time together, in a relaxed environment where you feel free to say whatever it is that is on your mind. If you feel, as I did, that you cannot utter a word unless you have thoroughly “sanitized” it beforehand to ascertain that it will not upset your partner, if he does all of the deciding as to what you are going to do and when you are simply along for the ride with no autonomy to make decisions, then you will not enjoy your time, your days, or your life with that person.
How a partner treats you is the only measure of long term survival together. If he can scream at you, curse at you, and demean your interests and efforts, he is not for you, or for anyone. I am glad to have learned to see these Loser qualities, and have chosen to end the relationship. Now, to get my self esteem back!
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debbie24
Morris I wish you luck and happiness. You have considered your wife’s needs without compromising yourself. Things can only get better now!
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Morris23
Hi all,
I did move out on the 11th and filed the divorce papers the same day. To say the least, it was one of the roughest days of my life.
I spent a few hours moving as many of my personal effects as possible. I then made a bunch of phone calls and changed my E-mails accounts, cell phone personal bank accounts etc. At first, I was going to call up my wife after the fact and let her know. Close friends told me not to; I ended up getting a call from her. To say the least, she was in shock, she never saw it coming. We both cried and she begged me to come back; no, I didn’t. She kept crying that she didn’t deserve this; I cried back and agreed but said that I couldn’t live that way anymore. I couldn’t take that constant 3rd degree and lack of trust. My wife promised never to question me again and played the guilt card. In the end, she still didn’t get it, she said that TRUST was no reason to end a marriage.
Advise to anyone in my situation; if you are going through hardships with your significant other, do get therapy, it was a tremendous help. Also, if you are contemplating divorce, see an attorney well in advance; a lawyer doesn’t mean that you are “playing dirty”, the opposite is true. He helped me prepare myself legally to leave, protect myself, and along with the divorce papers, we gave my wife an initial offer letter of a substantial settlement (I know that there will be more negotiating upward…), also, I left her about $6000 in the joint account. There was no nice way of doing it; my lawyer, therapist and support group were concerned for my safety, considering the volatile nature of my wife, a sit down discussions was not advisable.
Again, thanks for all your support. I will let you all know how things progress. My lawyer expects remorse then anger then hopefully, she will call up a lawyer. I have not heard from her since the 11th. I am back at work today.
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debbie22
Just wondering how Morris got on! Also to let you know GMTV are spending this week talking about domestic abuse against men. Log on to GM.TV
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Wendy21
Way to go Morris! Sounds like you are finding lots of helping hands along the way. Keep us posted.
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