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365 Responses to “550 Reader Comments on Dr Carver’s ‘Loser’ Article”
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Mark281
Diane,
Thank you again for all of your support, I am really grateful.
I do believe that her abusive behaviours are from a result of taking abuse herself, but her emotional abuse came from her father who said somethings that I could not even believe until one day I witnessed it myself.
We were living together and We had her father, his fiance and her 2 children over for dinner and his fiances little 6 year old picked up a peach and pretended to eat it, I laughed and played around with him, his step father (my ex’s father) said to him. “What are you doing, put the peach down are you F’ing Stupid” I was shocked, told him that if he is not welcome in my home if he is going to act like that – he shut up.
So yes, her abuse does stem from her father, but I do not believe it stems from her physically abusive bf.
Do you really feel like this may be a wake up call for her? I really hope so, It’s one thing knowing that her son is going to grow up possibly feeling like he is not good enough because of his mother, but it would be so much worse if he was the victim or a witness to physical abuse.
The reason why I question if it would wake her up is, She left him because he was abusive, so why would she go back? wouldn’t going through what she did last time and removing yourself for 3 years be a pretty decent wake up call or what its like on the other side? the greener side of the grass?
Also, do you have any contact information to Dr. Carver? Before I decided to post my story here I was trying to contact him personally but could not find any information on how to do so.
Thanks again for everything.
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Morris282
Hi Mark,
I many similarities with our situations. If you take away the drug use and about 10 years, we could have been with sisters! Reading yours and most of the other posting on this site, you appear to be looking for closure.
In my situation, my wife was married twice previously. She related to me how abusive her 1st husband was both physically and mentally. From what I could ascertain, her father, although not outwardly abusive, was very dominant in the family; my wife described her mother as being very spoiled and at times jealous. In my case, my soon to be ex seemed to inherit both sides of the gene pool; **V.I.** your “loser” will NEVER realize this!
My wife also brought a son into the relationship. To be frank, I believe that you came along when she needed someone; I can relate. In my case the two of us were very well educated, her son a teenager, was very bright; his father was a lawyer and my wife’s father was educated as a lawyer. My wife was looking for someone that she felt would be suitable for her; he had to be educated. Later, I could see that I didn’t quite have the earning potential that she was looking for; much of the abuse later one was centered around finances.
I believe that if not for my wife’s son, I would have left the marriage much earlier on; if not for the boy, my wife probably would not have had the “need” to push for a relationship/marriage so quickly. Perhaps you are having similar issues with guilt; you were very close to your ex’s young son. In my case, there were periods when my ex’s son was verbally abusive, still, with my personality, OUR PERSONALITIES, we let this type of behavior roll off.
I think that you are upset and hurt because your ex went back to her ex! After 2 and a half years, your are hurt that your ex quickly went back to another man; this seems to be a pattern of many of the writers here in this group. In my case, I was on the rebound; I met my “current” wife shortly after my 1st marriage. I was in my mid-forties and not feeling good about myself; I was needy and lonely. My wife is gorgeous and was very passionate sexually. When we 1st got into the relationship, my fear was that my wife may leave me for someone more handsome or/and a better provider. After about 18 months, I was praying that a younger, richer man would “steal” her away!
Mark and most of you out there; don’t feel upset that your ex’s went from one relationship to another so quickly. Understand that you were with someone that was sick emotionally, they have a personality disorder; they are not capable of deep real love. Your perception of a relationship with them was surreal, just like watching a love story on TV; it’s just acting and fantasy. From experience, marriage is just another means of control; those of you that were not married should count your lucky stars! I wish that I could somehow put my “feelings” inside of each of you that are going through feelings of betrayal, loneliness and doubts about your physical looks. My cure was another marriage, worse than my 1st; perhaps in your eyes, I am making it; understand though by not giving myself time, I was but a few months away from oblivion. to give you an idea… My wife’s last husband is now penniless, disbarred, had a nervous breakdown, physically ruined and living with another, even more abusive woman just to survive!
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Ann283
Hi Margaret,
On October 16, 2008 you posted that you received a call from his new woman. What did she have to say? How long did it take him to start abusing her? Were there similarities in his abuse tactics with her as there were with you? She must have called you for validation. I take it that he must like the emotional abuse tactic. If it was physical abuse, she wouldn’t have needed to call you, since physical abuse is quite the obvious.
Just curious.
Take Care
Ann
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Mark284
Hi Morris, Thank you for your input.
“My cure was another marriage, worse than my 1st; perhaps in your eyes, I am making it; understand though by not giving myself time, I was but a few months away from oblivion.”
Do you mean you are now a few months away from oblivion, or because you had not given yourself time to heal from your last relationship and rushed into a rebound that it has caused you this pain?
I do believe now that these people are sick emotionally – taking the are you dating a loser test at one point or another, if not always my ex scored a 14/20 from that list. Which justifies (When a high number of these features are present — it’s not a ‘probably’ or a ‘possibly’. You will be hurt and damaged by “The Loser” if you stay in the relationship.)
2 and a half years did a lot of damage to me, my self esteem is shot, which is very unusual for me because I have always had a lot of self confidence, I still do in some areas of my life, but when it comes to the opposite sex I need some time off.
I plan to stay single for about a year just so I know that when I do get into another relationship I am a) clear from this emotional damage and b) wise at making a decision in choosing a partner. Of course I’m not going to lie, a part of me feels like I will never be loved again, as many others who have been abused feel, but I am generally a optimistic person and I hope for the best.
Again at the end of it all, I still worry about her son and I hope that they break up before something happens to him, not saying it will, but when the mother is verbal and the father is physical then there is a good chance that he is in trouble.
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margaret285
Hi Ann…exactly as your say: emotional abuse. He did not hit her, as he did me, but everything was ALWAYS her fault. She feels devastated by his lies. He has the same old issues: no job, no money, nothing but pipe dreams, sordid pornography on her computer, letters to his sister criticizing her, saying that he loves me (He doesn’t love me. He doesn’t love. Period). He just needs a fantasy world in which to dwell. The end result for her? Crazymaking, depression, feeling like it was all her fault. I felt that way once. She is a nice woman. I’m not sure she has my strength which could hurt her, but get this: This evening I left work early to prepare for a cocktail party, and lo and behold, I almost hit someone on a bicycle. This is surreal. HIM! But I am beginning to believe recent crossings are no accident. There have been too many, in too short a time. And now that she has thrown him out, and he is sleeping on someone’s couch, the heat of desperation is turned up. He immediately came to my car window. I was pleasant (neutral). He said “I broke up with ___. She was an alchoholic. (if you read my past posts, all ex’s were always some kind of “holic”. I was a workaholic. The woman always had some defect that just made things soooooo impossible.) He actually reached out his hand and said: “I have been dreaming constantly of you. You are the love of my life”. I never felt such a sinister force. But this time, I wasn’t afraid and I wasn’t vulnerable. I looked at him as if I were looking at a movie screen. I feel sad for his recent ex. He is begging her to take him back (meal-ticket) and then he pulls this sickening emotional stunt with me. I won’t tell her because who needs that kind of wound? But I hope, for her sake, she can hang tough. I’m ok though, very ok. Interestingly (and this goes out to Mark, too), being ok is not an emotional decision. It is a mental and spiritual one. At a certain point, you MUST take your emotions out of the equation or you are a dead man…a victim. They are emotional vultures. They have no boundaries of shame or decency. Whatever means serve their ends.
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Mark286
Margaret,
That was a very interesting post. Thank God you have the strength to move past that because that would be very difficult, be afraid that he is going to be harassing you now that he has re confessed his love.
Because you are right, when my ex wanted me back in the spring time, I got a couple calls and an email from her, I avoided them both, then one more which I acknowledged and it was that very day where I got about 20 phone calls and 20 messaged in under a week. I was strong, but not strong enough, now I’m suffering from it, But lessons must be learned the hard way sometimes.
Take care.
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Diane287
Margaret,
That was so powerful and wise.
Being OK is mental and spiritual one not an emotional one. You must take your emotions out of this or your a dead man – a victim. They are emotional vultures. They have no boundaries of shame or decency. Whatever means serve their ends.
Thanks…Diane
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Morris288
Hi Mark and a belated welcome to the group!
Forgive me for some of my rambling. No, I am not presently a few months away from oblivion; it was more how I felt with my “current” soon to be ex wife. You are correct to surmise that I went from the frying pan into the fire by going from ex wife #1 to soon to be ex wife #2.
In my case, my self esteem had been on a rollercoaster for most of my life. If you read some of my earlier posts you may understand my theory about past issues contributing to my choices in relationships. All of us in the group, whether men or women have nurturing personalities; perhaps we are born with them. Still, as in my case, we may have had a parent whom whom was very similar to our “losers”; rather than run the other way, because of past experience, we ran into our “losers” open arms!
Presently, my level of confidence is actually higher now than it was before my 2nd marriage. I think that in my case, my last experience made me appreciate what I had before and am fortunate enough to have now. I also have had 5 years of stability in my profession; quite a change for me. Yes, I too feel pangs of loneliness, however, after my last experience, I not only understand, but truly feel that being by myself for a while is healthy and wise. I still wear my wedding band as a reminder and let’s just say for “defensive” purposes; I figure that when I feel ready, I won’t wear it anymore.
I can relate to the concern that you are showing for your ex’s boy; your situation is actually tougher than mine in that the boy was young enough to have a strong and loving attachment to you. In my case, it was difficult to leave not just my wife but her son. Still, he was a teenager and albeit there was a certain amount of courtesy and respect at the end, there was never any emotional bond. To be frank, the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree; I think that he was more upset because the ATM machine left. Let’s just say that some of my personal effects didn’t arrive in good order.
In my case, I too feel the effects of my last relationship. One difference though is that I will now have 2 divorces in 5 years on the books; to be frank, I feel very embarrassed by this and cannot see myself in another relationship for some time. Many of you in the group are like I was after my 1st marriage, just don’t make the same mistake that I did; yes I did exorcise certain demons because of the marriage, however, the monetary price and more important, loss of time was steep. I am fortunate to still have my career, some savings, sanity and most important, my health!
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Wendy289
Hi Mark, Morris, Diane, Ann, Margaret, and everyone else out there,
Mark, I’ve been thinking about your ex’s little boy. I believe you said he ws 4 years old? In that case, it may be comforting to know that you have contributed a lot to his young life that will benefit him for the rest of his days, and perhaps protect him somewhat from his challenging home environment.
Child development specialists say that much of a child’s “personhood” is developed by the age of 4 – his or her treatment as a baby and very small child goes a long way in forming self-esteem and self-worth.
In future years he may retain only foggy memories of you, but the gift you have given him is inside – and therefore his mother and her consorts can not likely destroy him emotionally or turn him into an abusive individual himself.
At least it’s something.
Best wishes,
~Wendy
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Ann290
Hi Margaret,
When did your ex suddenly start reappearing?
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