Comments on “550 Reader Comments on Dr Carver’s ‘Loser’ Article”
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365 Responses to “550 Reader Comments on Dr Carver’s ‘Loser’ Article”
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Deb230
P.S. I am very much hoping he was sent home from the military with a little note saying he needs psychological help. (That thought quickly passed over me when we got the news he was discharged from the marines.) This kid is way to young to be on the road he is on at this time.
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Deb229
Wow, you all know so much about this…I’m so happy I found you all. He’s been blocked so things are quiet. The backburner issue makes total sense to me now - especially as a parent who tried to have her make peace with him before he left for the military, because you want to teach your child not to make any enemies, but this is such a different situation.
I told my family and friends the other day, how it’s amazing that one person can cause so much turmoil with so many people. That not only does he suck us back in time - it feels like it takes you right back to when this happened last spring, but since he was “pretending” to be someone else - it also made my family use ALL our resources:
I posted here to get your advice, I involved my coworkers because I was upset and needed to vent. My daughter had to call his former friends to find out if he was indeed back and my husband had to call the marine recruiter to find out if he had made it threw basic or not. What a group effort for 1 single person!!!
And from what my daughter said the other day…you all must feel as she did when she said “I hate feeling like he’s still trying to control me - even when he’s not even around.”
As always…thanks much!!!!
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Diane228
Hi Deb,
Wow, That sure changes everything! Keep up the ignoring and I am glad too that you are going to change her number. If things get more serious get a restraining order.
When you asked what would he be like when he grew up I shudder to think of that. I agree with the others here that have posted. The fact these types either worsen. Or they stay the same. Which neither is healthy.
You hang in there and keep your daughter protected take no chances. Keep abreast of the mentality you are dealing with and reread Dr. Carver’s articles so you can be ready. You might consider a restraining order if things get more scarier than they are already are.
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Wendy227
Hi Deb,
Margaret’s absolutely right - and you are right too, these scary messages he’s sending her are not a good sign. He’s obviously a bit over the edge. But we knew that, I guess.
Someone did this to me when I was a teenager - phoned me to say he knew where I’d been, and what route I’d be taking to the bus the next day (it was usually through a wooded ravine). It was very scary, and I never did find out who it was. There were even death threats - hints about places I was “advised not to go” or that I should “arm myself”, and that he was only calling in order to protect me. Like the boy you describe, despite all this he would also often make plans to meet me, seemingly in full expectation that I would show up.
The weird, unrealistic aspect of this behavior also showed up in my recent friend, the one who caused me to research personality disorders and to find this forum. It makes it obvious that these people walk in a different world than the majority of us.
Again, she’ll just have to become as boring as possible to him. My mistake as a teenager was that I listened long enough on the phone for him to deliver whatever vile message he had in mind. I thought I might be able to identify him, or that he might come clean. When I started hanging up with his first syllable (this was before call-display), his calls became much less frequent.
I hope your daughter’s former bf gets a new “hobby” soon.
~Wendy -
margaret226
Deb - they backburner the ones who have been sensitive and nice to them, even during the break-up..the ones who wanted to leave things polite and civil. To the loser, that is a weakness…a fault line. They don’t backburner the ones who shut the door in their face. He knows instinctively (like a shark smells blood) that she doesn’t want to be mean, ugly, or impolite to him. He reads that as a weakness, a foot in the door, an invitation. My ex said to me once (as if I should have been grateful) “you”re the only one I have ever come back to”. I silently said to myself “because I was the only one stupid enough to take you”. Your daughter needs to turn as cold as ice to him. This is probably against her nature but parasites like him see anything else as weak, vulnerable and susceptible to their approach. The minute she begins to doubt herself in respect to him…he’ll take that as his opening and use it to his advantage.
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Deb225
Possibly this boy is a little more obsessed and “creative” for lack of a better word — he tried to scare her first as he texted her while she was at homecoming dance and kept telling her “I’m staring at you right now”. (No, he was not their). Then very late that night, she had just arrived home and he texted her “I’m coming down your street right now (and actually named the street) - meet me outside”. Keep in mind that she did not know who this “stalker” was at this point and was seriously terrified.
Again - thanks for your input and support - I appreciate it more than you know…
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Wendy224
Hi Deb!
Glad you are helping your daughter change her phone number etc. This may help more than you think.
What will he be like when he’s older? Probably the same. Some of these folks end up becoming criminals, but most of them just cause a lot of trouble for those around them.
The reason I think changing the phone number will be so helpful is that, from what I’ve read and experienced, people like this boy are not any more ambitious, dedicated, or obsessed than the rest of us. Therefore, making access to your daughter inconvenient and unrewarding is likely all you need to do to make him fade into the background. He’ll soon find a new, more available target.
Best of luck,
~Wendy -
Deb223
Hi Diane and all of my support group here :)
There won’t be any planning for his return visits…we just found out he HAS NOT made it through marine basic training and is now HOME for good. That news sent chills through my whole family. My God, I just can’t believe this is starting up again - it’s been a year this month that they broke up. You all said my daughter was on the back burner, even though he had a new gf — again you are right on the mark — why do they pick just one to go back to and harass forever? I know, I know, I say why, why, why cause I just don’t get why he won’t just “shut off”. Your nice to them, doesn’t work, your mean to them, doesn’t work, you ignore them, they try harder.
The new gf broke up with him too - so that probably explains why he is in his “sweet” cycle with my daughter. Don’t worry - won’t fall for it this time - especially since you ALL totally predicted that - especially you Margaret and Morris, many months back.
I am either blocking him from her cell or getting her a new number TONIGHT and we’ll take the next steps as you suggested from their. Sometimes I feel this is very serious and sometimes I feel I am overreacting - he’s just a kid! But he’s so good at all this control/manipulation now - what on earth is he going to be like when he grows up???
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Diane222
Morris and All,
That comment about your 2nd ex writing a book really has me questionong. What is that?
And my own learning process within on save yourself first. And the practise of this informed advice. I still have a way to go but I am learning and getting it. That part of why disconnection is the only way. That their agenda is in oppposition to my basic needs.
Hi Deb I agree with everyone here. Ignore him and plan ahead for his return visits.
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Morris221
Hi Everyone,
It’s been a bit of time. I did find another site at http://WWW.bpd411.com. I was on the mailing list but way too many E-mails so I opted out, still, excellent resource. There was an article about a book supposedly written by a doctor, the book was called “Siren Song”; I could have sworn it was written by me. The book though was not realistic in some ways; the biggee was that the writer felt that he could have made the marriage work eventually. He got lucky in that the wife left him!
It’s been 7 months since my escape to freedom (sanity); the settlement papers have been long signed. For now, I am single and happy to be so and at peace. To give you an idea, the credit crisis and stock market are just rainy days to the typhoon of my soon to be ex.
Hi Deb,
Yes, I do remember you; thanks for the education in that “losers”, BPD’s or whatever can manifest themselves at very early ages. Until I read your article, I thought that these special personalities took time to create.
My advise would be for you to contact the police, if you can afford it, get a lawyer. I think a restraining order should do the trick…
Mia,
Excellent letter! There are so many of you out there with children and long term marriages! Glad to see when a married with children gets out mentally intact.
Diane,
I looked at it from another angle; I felt that my 1st wife was at the top of her class in “Loser 101″. Unfortunately, my 2nd wife was her teacher whom was a PHD and wrote the book on “losers”; sorry Dr. Carver.
Margaret/Diane/Wendy,
I like the saying of “save yourself”. I thought of my relationships in a similar context. When we fly, the attendants tell that in case of loss of pressure (air), the oxygen masks will drop; we are to 1st place the mask on ourselves and then help our loved ones or other passengers. Think about it…
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