Comments on “550 Reader Comments on Dr Carver’s ‘Loser’ Article”
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365 Responses to “550 Reader Comments on Dr Carver’s ‘Loser’ Article”
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Diane180
I’m sorry this is so hard on you. Keep up the not answering and stay strong. Don’t forget why your in a new country. I hope you make some new friends there. And things become easier on you.
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clara179
Hi all, I posted a week or two back about my situation. I am now in another country feeling rather confused. My ex has texted or called everyday and for a while left messages everday on my MSN. The threats have all stopped , it’s all I love you, I miss you, ect. I haven’t responded at all and usually leave my phone off and just get a missed call. Her seems to be calling just once now everyday in the morning and the msn messages have dwindled.he thing is don’t really want to talk to him, I can’t imagine what we have to talk about but I also noticed that when I didn’t get a msn message I felt kind of sad.I suppose I wonder if he’s with someone else. I wish I could believe he was sorry. Not sure what to do next as my job was in his country and thats where a lot of my friends are so I’m feelig pulled back. It’s true that you can’t trust what they say isn’t it. I remember sometimes when we argued and I had a problem usually about money, he would say ” I don’t care about your life” and I would be so shocked that I wouldn’t believe it and then he would say he was joking but it didn’t feel like he was and then later on it became clear he didn’t care about my life due to all the chaos he caused jobs I managed to get him through my friends that he left. I guess i need a period of reflection, thanks for listening x c
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mlwile178
Pat, I am going to be direct which may feel harsh but here is the reality… the financial disparity between you, and the value you both attach to that, is a major red flag. Do you seriously think this will improve with marriage? This is only the beginning. She is showing you who she is! You have certain goals which are important enough to you to make financial adjustments for…she does not. And your feelings about this clearly do not matter to her. She enjoys the comforts of your mature and sober approach to managing your financial life, but why should she be bogged down with the boring facts? That’s for 9 -5 dolts like you. Face it, you are doing the heavy lifting..she’s along for the ride. She is attending to her credit card debt, which she alone incurred, while you are financing your mutual daily life…food, rent etc. You know this is a disaster in the making. Love does not conquer all. Walk…or fight your way to divorce court.
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Diane177
Pat,
Why do you think she’s a looser?It sounds like your ready for marriage and you know what you’d like your future to be. And your very clear on it? Though I do feel a tinge of resentment. On the money issues. You seem like a caring man who is perplexed by her change of jobs. Is drinking an issue for her? From your words here it sounds like you have her best interest at your hearts center. Its beautiful that you care for her in this way. Its always hard to talk with someone without defenses getting in the way of love and support.
A thought about the statment I made more money before I met her. Or were you just stating a fact? Comparing has a way that leads to resentment in relationships. So ask yourself these questions.
Does that mean your better than her? So this or this should happen?
What would happen if you have kids and she quit working entirely?
Would she be less of the person you love because she wasn’t making money. I tend to ask alot of questions to gain clarity for answers.So without having them answered I’ll come from the assumption that you and her just need to talk about your life together…..
So I would say find a time to talk about your intentions for the future with her. Without touching on what you feel she should be doing. Since you want to avoid defenses.
And maybe she’ll surprise you and share more about her own feelings on the future with you. -
Pat176
I’ve been dating my girlfriend for about two years. It’s the longest relationship I’ve ever been in because I always ended it in the past if I found something I couldn’t suffer. I love my girlfriend very much, and I’ve ‘put up’ with a lot of things I normally wouldn’t in this relationship. Having her as my girlfriend and doing all the domestic things people do, cooking, cleaning, taking a walk in the park; all of these things are very rewarding for me. I get enough out of it to justify dealing with some nagging and ponying up the cash for almost every expense that’s not strictly hers (like her cellphone). Lately though I’ve been starting to wonder if she isn’t ‘a loser’.
Since before we started dating, I have been earning more than she. We moved in together about a year ago and since then the money issue has been my biggest worry. She keeps on top of her own bills and all, but several times I’ve had to pay for her half of the rent so she could pay down her credit card debt, and I’m always paying the food and utility bills. I’m trying to encourage her to look for a better job; she’s gone from waitressing at a large chain restaurant with full medical benifits, steady work, and a high flow of customers, to a different sort of place (slow business, lower tips) where her only ‘benefit’ is a free beer at the end of the shift. She says that she likes the atmosphere there better but I secretly think she is just being lazy. I’ve been to the place many times, and on their busiest day she doesn’t have to do half the work she was doing at the old place. She also doesn’t get a third of the tips she used to. I want her to get a rewarding 9 to 5 job with benefits and do something with her master’s degree.
Our relationship is moving to a point where we have to start planning for our lives together. I want to buy a house. I want to buy an engagement ring. I want to be able to save some money in a place where it can grow until we retire. We can’t do that if only one of us is bringing in some decent cash. We’re both 30 years old and I feel like I am the only partner here that isn’t trying to coast through life as if I was still in college. How can I approach this problem without the inevitable manipulative reaction I always get, where I’m being the jerk for hurting her feelings? She always seems to find a way to make me apologize for wanting her to try a bit harder. I don’t know what to do; if we don’t both get on the road to a fiscally secure future, I’m going to dump her. I love her very much, but I love myself too, and I will not live my golden years in the poverty I had to endure as a child.
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Diane175
Elene,
Follow the instinct run, run, away as far as you possibly can. Make no
attempt to curb that part of you. For the MONSTER LOOSER is.Go get a rescue animal you’re chances are better that you need to rescue will actually have a good outcome.
Boy is that a sad statement to hope and helping man (or woman) LOOSER.
Sad and hopeless… But I guess it crosses into free will in a mentally ill enviroment disturbed or planted in by a dysfunctioning family enviroment of the looser’s childhood or nature quirkiness as to be born with this?Learning to see out of this.
Thanks for here!
Diane -
Elene174
Hi
it is very interesting article. And i think it is pretty correct to combine all types of personality disorders from cluster B into ONE right defenition LOSER. I had the relationships with Loser,
and it was like mystery for me ( like obsession), i was not blind and noticed all red flags but I WAS IN love with loser. Now i think it was really great feeling from my side. And i assume the main reason is not the low self- esteem or codependency. The real reason was compassion, kindness, desire to help, to support.
However the MAIN problem of this relationships was cruel manipulations by those normal human traits. Disorted world of Losers, like another planet which i will never understand.
That’s why i leave any attempts to find any reasonable explainations. And another problem how to get out the loser from mind not only from life. No magic thinking that he or she will be changed by our love. He or she can change your life. They are utterly dangerous mean cunning manupulative playing on good feelings. Run run run away from moral monster which name is LOSER. -
Diane173
Alex,
You see Alex looser’s ruin the other person healthy mindset. They continue to view the other person they are with from their own warped and delusional mindset. A looser can’t realize that the person lives in an entirely different world. A brighter world, they don’t walk around preoccupied with sick thoughts about you but they soon find out that the looser does walk around that way. And they get hurt by the fact that the looser is constantly acting out of his / her own self image. Not their’s THE LOOSER”S mindset. You see its impossible to have a loving connection. Because a looser can’t know the other person.
So the fact is to know another person is to be able to love. Love is about trust and a LOOSER has no ability to love. Because they are not able to see anothers view and trust it. Go look in a mirror… That’s what projecting is The LOOSER see’s their own head and noone elses.Me being the victom of a LOOSER, PD, ADHD, etc.
Its like being punished for something that doesn’t even exist inside of me. Like there’s no me existing within this relationship. Its all about this sick person take on it all. Not one authentic part of me is relevant to THE LOOSER.!!!!????!!! I don’t stand a chance. Cause its not about me…..!!!!Everything real about me isn’t on the earth.Its impossible to share a life with someone else. Because of this disease.I think it’s possible for changing but this is very much a deligent task. There is help… At least you are taking steps to learn what is going on now. And you have been diagnosed so that is good. It will take rewiring your own thought processes. You’ll need lots biofeedback. You’ll have to learn to accept critisizm Which probably is one of the hardest. They say naming the problem is one of the first steps. Lot’s of therapy…. For it will be living from a loving world not a distrusting one… which is much different the way so far.
Michele,
We all want to be loved its natural. Our problem is we think we love what does not align with love. Its not love that keeps us in that place its hope that the love we have in our own mind eye might really exist around the next moment. That one good loving moment in betwwen all that is not love. I remember this guy on TV saying the recipe for a healthy relationship was 4 to 1. 4 good to 1 bad! Not the other way around he taught classes after living in a an abusive household. For me it felt like 1000 bad to 1 good. And even that one good thing was on the edge ready to fall or be taken back.
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Alex172
Dear Dr. Carver:
I have read your article “Are You Dating a Loser?” and recognized myself a “The Loser” as you define it. Yes, I was very jealous and controlling in my relationships and it does appear that I had multiple episodes of rage and anger, which naturally led to a divorce. After the divorce I went to see a psychiatrist to address the underlying problems and was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. Some your criteria appear to be similar, if not identical, to that of bi-polar disorder. Is this correct?
However, I am sure that your criteria are so broad that they actually include a very large spectrum of personalities, not only nutcases like me, but many others. Does “The Loser” correspond to a certain type of mentally ill people, or the person can be normal according to the official diagnostic criteria, but still qualify as “The Loser” according to your criteria here? In my own opinion, this article is both useful and dangerous as it may lead to unnecessary break-ups.My main question however is the following: You give a detailed advice about how to get rid of “The Loser” (”The Loser” in my opinion is a poor choice of a word; although, if the goal of the article was to encourage The Loser’s victims to initiate a break-up, it is perhaps Ok.), but you make no comment about what “the Losers” should do in your opinion. Is it possible as a matter of principle for “The Loser” to put these problems under control and become “Normal” according to your definition? Should, e.g. I, consider having another relationship in the future or you would advise me to stay alone for the rest of my life?
Thanks for the very interesting article,
Alex -
margaret171
Michele..think of yourself as a soldier in a foxhole with shelling all around…and he is the one launching the shells. Your life is at stake. Would you get out of the foxhole and go try and understand him? Or invite him and his weapons into the foxhole? I don’t think so…you’d hunker down until you could make safe escape. You are at war (emotional). He is the enemy (he wants to emotionally destroy you) So choose…kill or be killed. If you read this entire post, you will see that, sad as it is, this is what it comes down to.
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