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365 Responses to “550 Reader Comments on Dr Carver’s ‘Loser’ Article”
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tasha43160
Three main words of advice “get out now!” and please stay out. You have given enough of your life to this man, whatever you do - for him it will never be enough, nothing anyone does will be enough. You have done more than enough for this lifetime. You have given up so many years of your life, please - for women the world over and for your family - do us one favour - go and leave him and live your life. He deserves nothing more - you however, need to take a good long look at yourself and see that you deserve so much more. It is a big exciting world out there, go and heal yourself and then go and start to enjoy your life. You owe this to yourself, he will never be grateful to anyone or anything - that is his problem. Now yours is to start to enjoy your life - don’t waste the opportunity, please.
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Diane159
I have read many of your articles. I had wished you were in my area because I need help. I have been married for over 20 years and have four children. As I have reflected on these articles I noticed that the abuse started so much earlier. I had named it as verbally abusive, insecurity, jealousy, controlling and spirit killing. He has always worked regulary actually he’s a work-aholic and talks alot. And very much in need of anger management. Things have to be in order everyone else is wrong. I have felt torn in two for so long. My life has been damage control even during the best of times you never know when the
explosion is going to happen. I used to feel he was better when he was younger but that probably because he wasn’t around because he was working. I so often had to step in to safeguard his sons during his rages. His energetic feeling was like a race horse chomping at the bit at all times though sometimes he would just crash if he stood still long enough. I used to think he was manic depressive cause of how down he would become. I would try to manage his outburst as best I could sometimes I would just take the kids and leave, alot of times. It was always painful for me as I used to look forward to his coming home only to wish he hadn’t. He often does things and he is in a constant rant it can be anything from everybodies worthless us, all people, friends, everything. And it can be how worthless he is rant but it usually has a sarcastic air to it. I remember a doctor once wanted to give him tranquilizers but of course he decline and said he was an idiot. He has intensity which is anxiety filled as one counselor said
to me, Is he always wound up so tight? He goes on and off like a light switch. He’ll quickly come unglued and then act if nothing has happened. Why is any one not OK now talks come up empty? It’s like a glaze comes over his eyes. It’s just weird to feel it. Our kids have asked him for years to get help, take a anger management class. He has boundaries you better not touch but no one else does. When in a talk about say business discussing pros and cons it’s as if somehow I own the conflict and then am targeted. I remember key phrases I would say like I didn’t create this don’t get mad at me. Or don’t kill the messenger. I felt that I and our kids were a burden not a blessing and even though bills were always paid. He often commented he could not let down or everything would end. Sometimes these talks would end in such a draining feeling for me and him.
About ten to fifteen years in things became worse. Suicide threats and depression. And Burn the house down threats and many other threats. We broke up at one point I could not take it anymore I didn’t have energy to tend my kids. I had recently started working just part-time and two highscoolers and middle school child who was having great behavior issues and my youngest had a learning problem called disgraphia. And I paked his stuff up and brought it to his parents house and called him and told him not to come home and I would only talk to him at a counseling session. We each did one session by our selves and then six more. The counselour said it take 6 months. We just kind of quit going mutually and for 9 months the episodes stopped. My middle school child asked me why I couldn’t take it any more he’s always been like that. That was so disturbing to me its just normal activity. He went to counseling later once to rule out many concerns I had. I had school psychologist follow him since at school he was acting out. He barely made it to highschool. He was tested for gate and was considered a high achiever up until then. But I have to say some of his behavior mimic his fathers. Just for an update he’s graduated now and was on honor role for two years once he got on task.
His parents divorced and my husbands abuses incresed and it seems all of a sudden there was more jealousy. More inquiries and as we went on vacation he had outburst and said he wanted to hammer all our heads in. I lost it and got in his fathers van and drove home without him.
I have never been the same since. What kind of mindset could say or think such a thing. Then on another vacation years later we were out with our two youngest children and of a sudden my son comes up to me and mom dad really mad.We were supposed to jacuzzi together after they played pool which was about 8 feet from the jacuzzi. So I find out its a raging jealousy fit because of the other vacationers at the pool. I’m going to marry this old man who waiteing for his wife to come down while his daughter and my son I swimming. He went on for hours and I mean hours in the motel room with children present saying every type of slanderous and demeaning words until he finally left and went driving around in the wee hours of the night. The next morning for him it was like nothing happened at all. Many other incidents started ocurring like this as well but now it was our life long friends. The only people we associated with. We split up one more time and this time for three months. This time we did not even have contact for weeks. Slowly we reunited and the charm was laid on and me being all those stockholm things as well though at that time I worked more than I ever had I had enough. And I felt a huge relief as a weight had been lifted off. As he was not in the home to belittle me and my kids were actually pretty amazing and helpful with extra duties in the home. My youngest was actuallly glad and that bothered me. I wish I could of stayed strong but no I caved. My best friend asked me not to talk to her during this event so my support system faltered in that respect. I often wondered about that since she was often telling me he was abusive and that I should get a restaining order at that time. But I can understand how hard it is for those around you when you have such a hrrendous relationship it is straining on your friends and family. But I have to say that hurt my chances of success because we were very close and it kind of felt like a betrayal since I had stuck with her through two divorces, and financial support and everything else life is. But that’s not the way it was during my split up it made me feel isolated definately. Once she had called me up and told me her boyfriend had just called her to let her know that my hisband had been at her home and was with our then middle school child and was appaulled by his behavior he was debasing me, ranting, putting me down in frint of my son. He said he kept trying to change the subject and nothing he coul do would stop him. He felt it was so wrong to do that with a child standing ther and didn’t know what to do. I remember how concerned she was and really relied on her support. I never really understood that syndrome thing then. I thought most of my going back had to do with my loyalties to my vows. And my optimistic attitude of all problems have solutions and I’m not a quitter, and all marriages have problems and ups and downs, etc. At one point during this time I was being counseled by phone psychologist who was commending me for my efforts and helping deal with my one son who was sons anger at me again for the breaking up. When we talked he said boy is his style very coersive and he manipulated money back though I didn’t give it all and of course he threatened worse things would happened if I didn’t. The counselour ended up not becoming our counselour due to the volatility of domestic abuse and he was otherwise employed full time.For a short time things were better but as your articles say each time it worsened. More verbal abuse this time it seemed definately premeditated. If there was an argument it was how horrible I was to kick hom out and he never deserved any of it there waqs no claim of he had problem it was me and he was going to make me pay. There was more deceit and paranoia and subtle little digs and inuendos about me cheating or planning to leave. I wasn’t but I guess I should of been.
You see for me I just couldn’t understand all these years, I couldn’t understand were it came from I use tell myself he makes this shit up just to argue. I don’t know why or when I’d have the time to mess around. I worked, the boys had soccer and school stuff, I volunteered for 17 years at their elementary school. Le’ts see where’s my time machine considering I had none.. Our family that was first priority.
Ya know the weirdest thing is that I served on boards for education,
went to parenting classes off and on through out my life. Read books on everything family and parenting and health. Tried all kinds of healthy behavior strategies and my kids could learn but not my husband.
One counselour had told me if its coming from you froget it. One friend of his said when he’s acting like that don’t be kind or healthy yell back give him the one two right back and that often at least seemed to give some weeks of improvement. But it was draining and didn’t feel like me and I didn’t want my kids to see that twenty/twenty family on TV on verbal abuse. I often found I WAS SO EXHAUSTED I JUST HAD TO REST. I had to pick battles very decisinely cause i JUST COULDN’T KEEP IT UP ANYMORE. The things I used to try and do for my kids so they wouldn’t suffer the self’esteem blows. I noticed I was in need more and more. O f someone to talk with that would support my sanity. Yet it became harder and harder those reality checks. Breaks I needed breaks more often. I quit many of my volunteering, stopped going out to avoid the nut that might erupt and spent less time in all kinds of activities. I had to ask friends to call my cell phone because I wouldn’t get messages or he’d talk to them and they would have to go without ever speaking to me. .My sons friend have standing joke how do you get away from your dad and still feel polite and respectful. They tell stories on how they pretend they have a call and still it takes ten minutes. Some of them have spent two hours with him before they can get to who they have come to see. Clients of his would ask me to interupt because he cannot get of the phone quickly enough to get back to work. People when leaving after visitng will say bye and he’ll follow them to their cars and they say about ten times we have to go.. And I used to try and discuss this stuff HELLO don’t you see they need to go, they’re done Hello. Glazy eyes again. Or don’t you notice someones body language when your talking? Attention need disorder? The kids joke a telemarketer calls and he’ll be on the line for hours? Just weird. Those are the good things though because at least he won’t be firing his anger about or freaking out on anyone. Those things are the blessings busy not being furious at someone or something. So much of my story is textbook Dr. Carver.
I have read or had discussions withso many professionals and or people in my life. I ‘ve been given so many solutions and or advice. Some good, some just hurt my chances of ever getting healthy, and some that was great that I personally alone could not carry out. This again a new source of great information. I’m practicing it alot. Its hard and it is often painful. For such along time I have viewed his outburst as illness and that only has lead me to try and manage in a very detrimental envirement for me and my kids. And I pay the price of sorts for my loyalty to my vow. I often keep telling myself for the passed four years. That contract was null and void along time ago foe all the promises broken. You know love and honor, negotiate. Emotional abuse a deal breaker. I’m tired of being a hostage in my own home. Though I have taken some steps for distancing these passed four years they are only a start. In the passed four years I have went to counseling for almost an entire year. I have took some classes art and yoga teacher training. Some self motivating seminars, a retreat for five days. And have started putting investment in me. Lots of reading of different types of material. I have been disowned financially for about 3 years now. That happened a year after I left for nine days after my life was threatened with his fist in my face 20 minutes after an argument.While taking care of his father who had a stroke and he had been fighting with his father for being unable to something or other. And since there was a blood pressure medical issue I asked him not fight with him and give him abreak for his health was in jeopardy. His father had recovered some but not all of speech loss. And memory recall had been going previosly as well.
I guess all include the last of my four year trials. My father’in law had stroke and moved in with us. My husband was undergoing a biopsy for a small growth on his neck. And my father died. In about two months, Our lives all changed dramatically. And you know Dr. Carver’s saying stress magnifies all these disorders. How true that statement is. I am the only one in my family that can take care of estate issues.And my parents lived out of state so I had to travel back and forth to help my mom who hadn’t took care of these things ever. I won’t go into detail but dysfunction fits my brothers well, drugs etc.
My husband was diagnosed with cancer about the time of my dad’s funeral though I already Knew intuition I guess. Started chemotherapy and would not follow the first rule of chemo. No sun and if you have to be in it cover up and sunscreen. He would come in sunburn and the doctors and nurses would just lecture him over and over. He was still trying to pull his shirt off in the sun 5 months into chemo. ???????
Maybe that plays into the personality disorder somehow? I was still working and my clients were so supportive and a Godsend to me. I was flying back and forth for esate issues that were a mess and living at doctor appointments for his dad and for my husband. On top of the normal routine. During this period there was tons of emotionally abusive outburst. Me the target of all the rage, sadness stress and statments like people say I should sell everything and leave. WEWWW
just what I need. I remember stating how our family was being effected and the stress on the kids tec. He pretty much exploded and said family
this is about me. I tried to just let that roll off my back I had to deal with all of this don’t let it trigger me. Besides he was going to go through the toughest thing ever in his life. And it’s true it was about him. And not let the lack of what I call healthy become a bigger issue. Needless to say you don’t want to be around this type of personality on prednisone and that’s all I say. OK how about a thousand times more wound up. He did end up in remission and we are all greatful for that. The paragraph before is about what happened after his remission.
His father was stabalized some but we were at the doctors for events of blacking out, it was called seizures which often happens to stoke patients and we were watching his meds as to being the culprit also.
When I rested in betwween my marathon year I was verbally assaulted frequently and when I finally took the time to grieve for the passing of my father and all of it. The abuse got more significant. More cruel and brutal emotional abuse came and kept coming. My youngest sons grades started crashing like never had before. I put him in a tutor program that cost quite a bit because his brother couldn’t help him and I couln’t either. I pretty much started distancing myself from the pyscho as best I could and still take care everybody, the house and me I was finally investing in me. Work was going well and I didn’t travel up to my mom’s as much but that was getting to be more difficult situation unto itself. Competecy issues with my mom and shady healthcare system as well. Had to at least investigate lawyers about competency and learn more. If worst comes to worse. So far I haven’t but I think it came down to need for great support system that I just don’t have. Huge blow at work one of my clients had a giant mangerial change and in my business that can be devistating sometimes. It all depends who takes over and since most of us had worked ther efor years it was quite a blow. The account slowly just ended. and not for lack of showing up. Everytime you’d go in another manager for months, get alittle work once and awhile. My husband started having new symptoms and rashes and weird ailments. For about a year he went to specialist after specialist and biopsies. He was regularly scanned for cancer. I was working less and still trying to maintain financially with all that entails. I’d say I was recoverying in away. Oh I forgot to mention during this time I was suffering from a work related chronic pain in my arm and neck from repitious activity and high blood pressure came up also. I had been getting different types of treatment as well. Deep tissue massage and acupuncture and medicines from the doctor. Started walking for all of that plus I couldn’t do some of my passed exercise routines because of my arm. I also couldn’t do my gardening, and some cleaning things that agrivated it. Oh and the computer as well had to save any staining of it for work. Yoga helped it alot, thank GOD. I still have some issues with it but I’m much better now. I’m back to gardening and actually on th computer the first time in years. Enough all that on ward!Well life was getting worse between us and even though I asked for a divorce when I came back from that nine day reprieve. I asked again for us to go to counseling this time I really wanted him to go to a psychiatrist as well. He rejected it and I went to counseling I was torn apart to put it simply. Guilt everywhere and confusion. I don’t mind alot of things but I just can’t do it anymore be all of that and recieve messages that I’m not anything good or loving or honest or competent or, or, or…… His father went to his siters for 3 weeks and then later my husband sent him back east to his brothers that in my opinion was sending some one who needed a caregiver to a wipeout caregiver who was acaring for his wife who had become paralized in a freak accident and lot’s of dysfunctioning other things. I won’t go there. My husband finally agreed to counseling together after calling my counselor and saying who are you in a jealous stalking thing. I never forget that call from him my counselor he just called me and is probably calling everyone on your cell phone bill. So I allowed him to talk to him if it happened again and it did. He went to 3 sessions and on the last one we were supposed get 5 rules but never got passed the 1st one. He stood up and walked out during a discussion on kindness. My counselor said he will not be coming back. My counselour brought insideous physcholgical abuse as term of in many sessions. And he did not return. Though I continued on for as long as I could. I still even now have such a hard time comprehending the mentallity. I sometimes think I’m probably more experienced than some on mentally ill patients.
For me I’ve learned marriage counseling with this type is actually a way to make it worse at least for me and the kids. If you call abuse he’ll walk upstairs and say to our son oh watch out your abusive father here be careful. And my son will give him that look like what’s wrong with you and disappear. Or like now after reading your stuff he’s up their with them manipulating them just like you said. He has called people up and told them horrendous lies about me. Called friends mothers and talked for hours to them. The saddest thing is its like screaming for help yet evading at the same time. Help what do you know get away help. It’s so awful I used to think I could get him help be the help too. Asked tried everything even with this cancer stuff. I’m too tired to fight and to not tired to just show up for it.Well my husband was diagnosed with cancer again last year things got really bad set me to the side again and go. He had to have a stem cell transplant and made it through Thank God. It was very strenuous and many people came to our aide. and helped. I’m so proud of my sons as they took on so many of my roles and their father’s while we had to be out of town for this miracle. I had to work hard on letting go and doing the best I could. So now we are back home for months now and abuse has started up again and paranoia and echoing and its so hard because now its side effects as well as his normal tendencies magnified. He has PTSD stuff as well from all the trauma he has just experienced. Most recently he grabbed me and pushed me during one of his outburst and thankfully one of my sons was there and said stop what are you doing that’s wrong so I could get away. He then proceeded to hound my son for hours. As my son tried to reson with him as he acted like the victim. I feel like calling his transplant doctor and telling him and letting it all out. I was frank with transplant coordinator about our marriage being on the rocks and gave some specifics. I’ve been online since that last episode just getting information and understanding. I never could understand me in this why can’t I move. What a downside to beng empathetic and caring. Its really not fair and that’s just what it is. I can only change me and that seems to be a huge task at best. I keep trying to nourish my spirit and remain as best I can and sometimes I just too emotionally exhausted. I did a lot work on fear and that paralizing feeling real or imagined or actually by inf. could realy happen. It is scary. He’s still recovery and its all so sad. It’s just very sad. Cancer is so tough but going through cancer with someone like this treacherous. Sometimes I just can’t imagine how anyone could be detrimental to his own family even as they love and support the best they can during the times he’s somewhat normal. If you can really use that term in these cases. Because it doesn’t seem like it to me.
Love hurts and caring deeply hurts. I can’t comprehend it the mentality and yet as I read someone elses words. I am living in the nightmare of it and its not over yet. I remember my goal at counseling to get safe healthy home.
I have to remind myself I’m safe when I’m somewhere else. Because there’s this awful feeling that that is the farthest from the truth that I am safe. Who knows what wickedness is coming. I’ve been here so long I wonder what a truly safe and loving enviroment is?? Somtimes I am hopeful or at peace I seem to need distance the farther away the better. I hope my work picks up and I get that needed self-esteem flowing and that strentgh to do the recommendations of Dr. Carver. I hope my strentghs that I used to own get reinforced and I hope I find the support I need in this. I hope this letter of my life’s problematic marriage system in a shortened form somehow helps me and helps others. Grateful for your experience to all that answers this tragedy. I need a team of supporters, I’m desperate to learn.Grateful this forum is here! Please Comment Dr. Carver and all of you out there….
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margaret158
The crazy thing is, if he had someone new and you did warn her, she would just think “jealous ex”. Every silly woman needs to think that she is the “special one”…the one that will finally show him true love and devotion. So you get absolutely nothing out of warning anyone, except more degradation. Leave it. She’ll find out on her own. BTW - didn’t you say he had an accident prior? This guy has more motor vehicle accidents than anyone I’ve ever heard of. He needs to get more creative. But YOU need to get to a safe place. The Dixie Chicks have a song in which one of the lyrics is “He walked right through that restraining order and put her in intensive care”. Don’t let police reports lull you into a false comfort zone. Get real and get away from him!
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Clara157
Thanks Wendy, I went to the police station and filed a report it took 6 hours of trailing round but when I finaly met the police officer who took it seriously, it was worth it. He actually phoned my ex’s dad to get his address and warned the dad to tell his son to leave me alone.I had left my old sim card in my phone and while I was giving the complaint for a third time to a secretary , he phoned.He was all apologetic and said he missed me and I told him I was filing a complaint that very second. The police woman spoke to him and he decided not to come to my city cos if he did, she said, he would have to report to the station first.Later he called me and he said he would never harm me and he was sorry he had threatened me.We had one last conversation where we said goodbye he was very polite and I said dont call me again, I am going away, good luck with your life. I hope that’s the end of it. He is back working where he used to ( in a tourist resort) he will find a new victim. I’m just sorry I can’t warn her.Thnks for al your support it has been invaluable. C
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Wendy156
Hi Clara,
I’m glad things are coming together and you can see a way out of this, and that you have the help of friends. While it’s inconvenient to have to rearrange your life, it’s a small price to pay to be rid of him. Stay strong and never allow him any contact with you.
Then there is the emotional side. When my own situation reached its conclusion, I felt as if the man I had loved had died, and not much later I realized that this feeling was a healthy one, although very sad. I would never see that “good” person again, because now I knew the truth - he had been imaginary, in a sense - the product of his presentation and my willingness to believe that I had this wonderful friend.
Well, when someone dies, it’s indeed very sad, but it’s final, and you get over it. I think it’s a good way to think of it. Hope this helps! Let us know how you’re doing.
Best wishes,
~Wendy -
Clara155
Mia, Wendy and Margaret, Thanks for your comments. I have been staying with a friend and feel a lot safer, today I am going to the police station to make a report. I am in Turkey so I have a turkish woman helping me with the language. I have changed my number. I am on MSN and I havent responded to his messages but he leaves them so I see them when i log in. Yesterday his tone changed, the message said please you are my favorite darling and last night he phoned a friend and told her he had crashed his motorbike.I have told her not to answer his calls again. Its probably a lie but I’m not responding anyway. I could block him from msn but if I see he’s on line ( he can’t see me ) I feel safer as I know he must be in his home town and not where i am ( does that make sense). I know who he really is now and i will never go back. I am depressed that I have to leave my flat but I guess I will never feel safe there as long as this continues. Thankyou for your support, it’s really helping. Most people here as saying don’t worry he wont do anything but I’m not sure, they don’t know him like I do. C.
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margaret154
This brought back a lot of depressing memories. I agree with all who posted…you need to leave, cut off communications, get away from him at all costs. He is a dangerous predator. You only knew him for a year before he showed his true colors. This is who he really IS. Not the dreamy, sweet guy you met. That was an act he put on to capture you. The person you fell in love with was a fake, a mask he donned to make you fall. You are in over your head. As soon as you realize that you are no match for his sickness and craziness you will be much better off. Cry uncle. Right now you are trying to manage a situation that is unmanageable. As some one said “when you are in a hole, stop digging”. You said something that resonated with me ” he wanted me to have a baby” and you thought to yourself “not as long as you are a nutcase”. In Dec 2005, my loser asked me to marry him. On the surface I was responsive, not wanting to create yet another drama, but I said to myself “sure… if you ever get your act together” Three years later, he is in exactly the same place he was then, conning, lying, using people for money. Luckily, I got out..but not before he hit me, terrified me, depressed me and almost ruined my life. By the way, one thing he might do to rattle you cage is show up in your space with another woman. It will sting for a minute, but don’t let it get to you. It is just another manipulation. Feel pity for her because 2 years down the road, she will know what you already know…fear, sorrow, dissappointment, loss, confusion, violence.
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Wendy153
Clara,
I agree with Mia. Talking with him will only make it worse (although it may seem better for a short while). He will just repeat his behavior and you will get death threats again.
What he is doing is now a serious legal offense for which he could be jailed for a long time. Inform the police, but most of all, leave and don’t be available to be threatened. You may have to make sacrifices, but … you said that he was part of the reason you moved there, and he may be the whole reason you move away!
He is victimizing you. Don’t be a victim.
~Wendy
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Mia152
Clara,
You need to leave if you feel threatened. Don’t announce to him that you are leaving. I don’t need to read your posts to know you are in danger. So get off the computer, take it with you if it is portable laptop, and go. Do not go back.
I read that he threatened murder how many times? 4?
How is it that you are still within hearing range of his threats, Clara? Get out now. No more talking to him.
The other option, if you choose, would be to plan your own funeral.
Which one is up to you.
Get off the computer and go, now. -
Clara151
Is there anyone listening? He has threatened to kill me four times, he left a message yesterday on my answerphone. Am I not just aggrivating the situation by not talking to him? He said he is coming to my city tomorrow and he will kill me, the police station is closed till monday so I have moved to a friends flat. I am in a constant state of fear.I can’t stay in my flat anymore. help what should I do?
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