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365 Responses to “550 Reader Comments on Dr Carver’s ‘Loser’ Article”
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clara150
Thanks Wendy. I’m just sitting here heartbroken not only do I have to deal with the end of a relationship but I think I’m going to have to leave the country. I just don’t feel safe. I partly moved here to be with him and I just can’t believe it’s ended like this.I just feel sick by how he has changed when he doesn’t get what he wants or when I refuse to forgive him.And by how he can change his tone from loving to nasty in the space of a 5 minute phone call. I still don’t understand why he hit me last week and then he says he loves me how can anyone equate violence with love? I’m scared he will just turn up out of the blue.
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Wendy149
Hi, Clara,
It’s impossible to know if it is an empty threat or not (but it probably is, if that’s any comfort). Keep in mind that giving him the money would not prevent him from repeating this threat or making new ones. Inform the police of his threat, and if he contacts you again, tell him that the police have been informed.
You need to become much more boring to him than you have been up until now. After all, you have recently given him money, so he has no reason not to spend his time pumping you for more. Aside from telling him that the police have been informed of his threat, I advise that you never say another word to him. Never see him, and simply put down the phone if he calls.
Don’t blame yourself for any of this - you’ve just been trying to be decent. But it’s time for another tack.
~Wendy
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Clara148
Thanks for your comments Wendy. The weekend was quiet although he did come round once each day but I felt I had escaped lightly until monday when he came round again. I shouldn’t have talked to him but I went out and he pleaded with me to give him another chance. He said he couldn’t believe it was over. He demanded that I let him in my flat as he was convinced I already had another boyfriend.I decided to let him look but got the doormans son to come with us. I didn’t want to be on my own. He walked round the flat looking behind doors. There was none there. Outside again he kind of collapsed and said he was ill. He had been drinking. I said I had to go to work and so he finally drove off. Later that night he arrived with all his bags and some food. He had been sacked and had nowhere to stay. i didnt let him in or go down. This sent him over the edge and he got very angry. I sent the doorman to speak to him. He said he was going to call the police as his friend had guaranteed the rental contract. The police came, I explained the situation and the history of the problem and the violence and the police were very understanding. At one point he came in the flat and started claiming my things were his. he started lying to the police and I saw on his face he looked really desperate as he realised he shouldnt have called the police as they were on my side. My neighbour convinced him to go to a hotel but for ages he was outside talking to the doorman and some other men. The police left and gave me their mobile. An hour later he came back ringing the bell like crazy. I was really scared . I called the neighbour and the police and the neighbour came again and this time physically drove him to another part of town where he must have stayed in a hotel.I didn’t sleep well that night, I was really on edge and the next day I cried at work and told my manager what was going on. Later in the afternoon he called. he was in jail and he had to pay some money or he would be kept in jail for a month. I thought he was lying but spoke to the police and it was true.The police had been doing some random checks and found he owed some tax money. I went and paid the money on the condition he got on a bus that evening and went to stay with his parents in another part of the country he agreed. He seemed grateful to me, and was calm,. he apologised for everything. and I put him on the bus. I repeated it was over and it was time he made his own life. He said could he call me sometimes I said ok.
Yesterday he called and said he was ok, he was at home. I kept it short. in the evening after work, the reality hit me that it was over and I felt sad as before he started acting horribly I loved him.He called me and said I miss you and again started saying please give me another chance I said no, he said so we will never be together again I said no. Then he said ok give me 5000 or I will burn down your house. (I have a house near his home town which we used to live in). I was so shocked at this incredibly sudden change of tone. I just put the phone down. he called again, apologised said he would never do that, and then started pleading again and by the end of the call he said give me 5000 again! I turned my phone off. I am going to not answer his calls. Do you think this is an empty threat? p.s. we are in a foreign county he is a local I am a foreigner. -
Wendy147
Hi Clara!
Sounds as if you have it figured out, and you’ll be fine. Somehow, it’s comforting to read the similar tales of others. It makes us feel less crazy and lets us see the real picture, through so many eyes. I’m glad you found this site and forum.
It’s a crummy time for you, what with all the changes, and being afraid of him to boot. If he is a nuisance or threatens your safety, you may have to involve the police. Of course he’ll probably cry murder about how he is mistreated and misunderstood, but you have to protect yourself. You have already taken several necessary steps. Stick close to your friends.
Best of luck and let us know how you’re doing!
~Wendy
p.s. I’m not usually the only person responding here … but then again it’s summer holidays for some. :) -
Clara146
Suddenly everything makes sense! I have been in a relationship with what I now recognise to be a loser for 2 years. He ticks all the boxes on the list. A year ago he hit me for the first time, very hard after an argument. I was in shock. He then said he would never come to my house again. I was glad. A few hours later I got a call from him, he was in hospital after a serious motorbike crash. I didn’t go. I went a few days later but he had already checked out. Three days afterwards I felt terrible, I missed him but he had hit me, I couldn’t go back. The next day he was limping down my street, he had come to see me, he was very badly injured and had discharged himself from hospital.Of course I stupidly took him in.I was an emotional wreck, he could have died, I still loved him. He said he was sorry he would never do it again….methinks now perhaps he crashed on purpose to get me back. Fast forward a year later to now. I am emotionally exhausted by him, he has wrecked so many opportunites in our lives, he has lied so often, he has stolen small amounts of money from me, he has accused me of infidelity, he checks my messages and emails,he runs down my character to other people saying “I’m bad” and guess what he has hit me again. This week twice. After the 2nd or maybe 3rd time I said if you do this again we are finished. He did it again. I became frightened of him, he threw stuff out of the window and acted crazily,he wouldn’t calm down.The he cried and said he loved me so much. The next day I asked him to leave. He took his clothes and left. He said he was going to another city. I stayed at a friends as I was scared he might try to smash down the door. I discovered this website a few days ago,I had written to a friends wife who was a psycologist and she suggested he may have a personality disorder and it has given me strength to end it. One of the things he kept going on about is having a baby. All he wanted was a baby why wouldn’t I give him one?(because you’re a nut case I thought). I came home today and guess what he hasn’t left, he came round. I went outside to meet him, I don’t want him in the flat.He said he was sorry, he gave me his big eyes treatment, he said are we really finished. I said you finished it yesterday,you hit me. He said he was sorry, he was drunk. I tried to remain business like, it was hard, he is trying to reel me in again. I think he will continue to come round to see me, my window’s on the street so he can just call up, I don’t want to trigger any extreme reaction from him, I know I must remain boring to him. He asked if we could drink one last tea together, I said no.How do I deal with him if he comes round late at night or insists on coming in? Also I think he will try to make closer firends with my flat mate in order to get to me.What if he doesn’t leave the city/ He is working just down the road from me…I feel anxious that he’s around…
I just wanted to write on here for support and advice, thanks for reading. C. -
Wendy145
Hi, Kelly,
You sum up your feelings very articulately in your last paragraph - you dread, feel ashamed, feel guilty, don’t know if you are right. I bet you were not “like this” at all before he came into your life!
This feeling of confusion and dread is typical of people who’ve fallen in with controllers. What’s confusing is that, with most other people in your life, you get along OK and use your social skills to make the relationship pleasant and even fun. However, with your partner, your healthy approaches just aren’t working. It’s enough to make a person’s head spin! It’s very typical to start feeling dread and confusion as we get deeper into emotional exhaustion from all our fruitless efforts to make things “right” again.
Rest assured that it’s not “you”. The actions you have described on his part are unacceptable and abusive. One can only imagine the subtler things he does and says to break you down. He doesn’t do this to be intentionally evil - it’s just the way he relates to people, and it won’t change.
Unfortunately, although things were great in the beginning, and occasionally you feel that thery are OK again, these situations tend to get worse and worse. As you become more emotionally exhausted, he will likely get bored with you, become more abusive, and perhaps force you out.
I believe the best course is to be proactive and leave the situation before it deteriorates further. Once you are away, you will gradually realize that there was no reason to feel guilty about leaving.
Don’t worry that this experience will shatter your notions of love and loyalty - you’re young and strong and he hasn’t changed you - and once you’ve recovered you can find someone really worthy of these feelings!
Let us know how it’s going. Best wishes!
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Kelly144
I found this site today after spending the past few months feeling down and worried about the actions of my partner and searching for reasoning behind it all.
I am 24 and living with this man. We have been together for the past 3 and a half years, living together for 2 and a half of these.
Like it all says here, it started with us falling head over heals for each other, he was a different person to what I sometimes see now.
I started to notice that he was trying to control me when we moved 2 hours away from all of my friends and family. It was my choice to move with him and I felt i had made the right decision at the time. It all began with small comments, about how my cleaning was not up to standard, how I wasn’t doing enough around the house etc. Then when I decided I would like to go home for a couple of days to see my friends and family he started to get mean. He said things like i didn’t need to see them, needed to grow up, didn’t earn enough money to go back there and spend it all on night’s out with my friends. Bearing in mind i had just finished university and was only 22 at the time, i felt i was entitled to a bit of fun, and to still be acting my age.
Then, one night he lost it over something minor, very forcefully throwing me out of the flat. He picked me up and threw me out. In the process my jeans ripped, to which he responded that i was too fat to wear them (i am only a UK size 10).
From then on he randomly snapped, shouting agressively and pushing me. This probably occurs once every month.
He has shattered my self confidence by telling me I can’t make female friends because they won’t like me and if I talk to his friends i am accused of flirting with them and get called other names.
What upset me the most however was last month. I mentioned my sister had called. He completely lost it, shouting that she was horrible and selfish and only calls to talk about herself. He expressed that he wanted to hurt her because she is so selfish. I sat there and took the whole thing. The next day I spent feeling so hurt.
I feel like I now have no where to turn, I dread inviting my family to stay and avoid it at all costs. I haven’t told anyone as I am so ashamed.
I feel guilty for even writing this, or thinking this. He does not seem to acknowledge that he does anything wrong. It is always me.
Please help, I don’t know if I am right in thinking something is wrong here.Thanks.
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Wendy143
Hi, Christine,
As you know from what you have shared with us, it does not sound good. You have already left, but are being drawn back by guilt, rather than hope. The advice of friends who know both of you might help give you some perspective.
If you remain uncertain, you can always do as Dr. Carver sometimes advises, and put the relationship “on probation” for a period of time. If your husband cannot change, it will be apparent within a few months as he goes back to his old patterns.
Best of luck!
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Wendy142
Hi, Jeff,
You think you are in a relationship with a “loser”, and wonder if you are becoming a “loser” yourself. I guess the question is, do you think you had “loser” characteristics before you got into this relationship? If so, you might see some benefit from working on changing some of your behaviors, possibly with counselling or help from family or friends.
If your self-doubt and shaky dignity have only come about during this relationship, then they may be a reaction to your partner’s behaviors tyowards you. From your description, you are not benefitting from the relationship any more, but rather feel it is breaking you down. If your partner has many of the “loser” behaviors that Dr. Carver describes, then you should to consider ending the relationship before your emotional exhaustion becomes worse.
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Christine141
I just recently left my husband of 7 years saturday. I am confused on whether I am making the right decision. When we first me he didn’t have a job and was living with a friend. We got sexually active very early in the relationship. He had a child by another woman and never did get married. He always said he would never get married. When we got more involved with each other I stayed with him at his friends house a time or two. His friend got violent one time and we left the house. We stayed in a hotel that night and found a room to rent temporarily until we could find an apartment. We were in the room for a few months when alot of issues between the mother and child came up. We found an apartment and moved in together and filed for custody of his son. This all happened in less then a year. With in a short time of being in the apartment he became lazy. He had got a job but didn’t keep it very long. And always expected me to do the house hold chores on top of my full time job. We got married four months after moving into the apartment. It wasn’t totally because we wanted to get married it was more to get custody of the child although I did love him and still do. We got custody of the child three months later. With in the time that we have been married he has been jailed 3 or 4 times but never found guilty. He had 5 jobs in the first three years of our marriage then decided to start his own business. So to really begin where I became unhappy was year 3 or 4. We didn’t have the money to pay the bills but he wouldn’t get a real job and the business never really did take off. He did odds and end jobs out of the garage. He woke up late watched tv most of the day and left after his son went to bed to drive around. I would tell him on occassions what was going on and he would say he would get a job but it never happened. I financial problems were really bad but some how we were able to buy a house. He never really helped around the house except if we had court people coming over. He would mow the yard and take the trash to the curb but that was it. No folding laundry, no dish washing, no cleaning period. I started to resent him because I worked all day 8-5 came home and had to take care of the house, animals, and child. While he slept until I called him on my lunch break or later, laid in bed and watched tv, he even neglected the jobs he had to get money. In December he was accused of hitting his son, and his son was taken away from us as we went through with all the court stuff. (one of the times he was in jail). I still do not know if he did what the child is saying. We were finally able to see the child in May and have developed our relationship back and are trying to get custody back. It is looking good but here is were the real problem lays. I am unhappy with my marriage. I have felt as though I am taking care of two kids not one and a marriage. I resent him for not doing anything all day long. Our house is about to get repossessed, the electricity has been turned off and we have other mounting debt. He doesn’t listen when I try to talk to him about problems. He leaves at night to go driving around to get away from the problems at home and doesn’t tell me and its not cheap at $4.00 a gallon. I want romance, help around the house, finacial support, emotional support, and someone I can count on. He has gotten physical but nothing that leaves bruses. I left on a Wednesday, the day after court. I took my sister with me to get belongings and have been staying with her. I have had contact with him. He said he realizes what he has done wrong. Has got a job, cleaned the house, bought me flowers and has told me the other things he is changing.
My questions are can he change and stay that way, am I doing the right thing by leaving, am I being too selfish, and should I help him out in court? In court I would feel like I am lying
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