Comments on “550 Reader Comments on Dr Carver’s ‘Loser’ Article”
You are browsing comments for the story “550 Reader Comments on Dr Carver’s ‘Loser’ Article”.
You are currently browsing comments. If you would like to return to the full story, you can read the full entry here.
171 Responses to “550 Reader Comments on Dr Carver’s ‘Loser’ Article”
-
Alika130
Hi Debbie,
I’ve been checking this post from time to time to see if you write on it. I’m so glad to hear things are falling into place for you. Its great. Like Mack said.. enjoy the time with your kids .. your free!As for myself, I wrote back in May and I am free of my ex-loser as well (fingers crossed). I was thinking last night about the events in my life last year at this time and I felt that it would never change.. but time truly does heal. When they say, “time heals everything,” I believe it because I have truly experienced it. It sucks but it works!
Take care of yourself!
Alika
-
debbie129
Mack Thank you for your comment. It is amazing how time does move on and it is true that time is a healer. It has really helped over the last few months to read everyone’s comments and to realise that I am not alone. No matter how supportive my family are they do not have that same understanding of what its like to be with a person like that.
-
Mack128
Hey Deb… this must be a happy-sad-strange time for you. It is kinda weird how the time passes: seems forever while you’re trying to get out and then once you’re out you look back and it hardly seems like time at all. But you’re out now. Free lady. :)
Thanks for sharing the milestone with us, and remember that you still have all of your strong networks — family, friends, and folks like us who know how it goes.
Am glad you’re reinvesting yourself in your children and yourself… enjoy this time. You’ve more than earned it. -
deborah127
Hi all
I haven’t written for a while, but I just wanted to let you know that my divorce has come through. Exactly two years from the day that I first met him. I still can’t quite believe that I have met a man, married him and had his baby and divorced him in the space of two years. I am fortunate that I had the strength and the support of family and friends to make the break when I did. I was also fortunate to have a fantastic solicitor.
To comment on an earlier discussion, I have not seen my ex since last August and I have not heard from him since last October. He has not asked to see his son since last December. I have made no contact at all with him, but I also wonder whether the fact that I involved the police and the law very early on may have something to do with it to.
Dr Carver did say to me that the more loser characteristics they have the more likely they are to abandon their child and this is ringing true in this case.
I am fine now, although still sometimes feel sad, but I am getting on with my life and am enjoying time with my boys and our lovely baby. -
Morris126
Hello Lourdes,
Reading through your comments, I would like to make some comments from my point of view. I would like to say though, that albeit I am a man, these comments are not meant to be gender specific. Understand that I am coming out of an abusive relationship where many of the qualities applied to my soon to be ex-wife. I realize that I was not perfect and at times exhibited some of the qualities on Dr. Carver’s list.
What makes you and I different though, is that we recognize that we have some issues and want to work on them. One common ground that abusers/losers have is that they will not take any, and I do mean any responsibility for their actions. I will try to be objective and also cite examples from personal experience.
3. We all lose our temper; toward the end, I used to yell and swear back at my wife. The concern though is you throwing things.
Examples of my wife losing her temper were me coming home an hour late from work without calling ahead, her finding something on my E-mails (yes, my E-mails, she demanded my passwords) that she “thought” “could be” an affair, Over her family needing financial support, me not leaving our condo gym if other women are also in there working out. On some of these occasions and many many many other ones, I would lock myself in the bathroom, take a tranquillizer while my wife was yelling and screaming, sometimes telling her son to “FO”, throwing things and banging on the bathroom door. I learned to wait for her anger to subside a bit then, if necessary, I would leave for a few hours until my wife’s anger subsided. She never once acknowledged her need for anger management nor did she ever apologize. There were many times that I got caught up in the anger, said things, slammed doors; the difference was that I felt ashamed afterward. I just couldn’t live in that type of atmosphere anymore…
6. I don’t see an issue for you here. The cycle of abuse would be something like I described above; you losing your temper needlessly over a nothing issue and then being “calm” later like nothing happened. In your case, you get angry because your husband hurt you, then you blow it off and then try to make peace later. I never could sit with my wife and discuss the issue or her anger; it made it worse!
7. Again, losers/abusers NEVER take responsibility for their actions!
9. Your husband has children from a previous marriage; he has to realize that you too are a priority just if not more important than you are. He has to learn to balance his time between his children, friends and his new wife.
You mentioned that you feel threatened by his outside interests; the two of you have to talk out this issue and find a balance.
In my case, I had no children; my wife did have a son whom lived with us. I had very little freedom in my marriage; my wife said that she and her son were my number one priority and that I had to spend as much time as possible, actually all my time with them. I was smothered and started to lose myself; I started to go crazy. After therapy and talking with friends and family, I learned that there was nothing wrong with having time for myself with friends and to do activities like working out at the gym, hiking etc that my wife didn’t like to do but I enjoyed. The key was balance. Toward the end, my wife did acknowledge my needs, however, there were too many occasions where she would ask the “who, what, when”; I had little if any privacy.
10. To be frank, trust is THE major issue. If you read what I went through… I had no privacy. The initial breakdown in my marriage was accusations of me flirting, ogling; all unfounded and untrue. This was a method of control that my wife used on me; I was terrified to go anywhere public where, g-d forbid, there would be women. If I glanced at an attractive woman, there would be hell to pay later.
If your husband is really flirting; chatting up a lady in your presence, ogling (I mean really leering, turning his head to leer). Coming home late at nights with no explanations for lipstick on his face or clothes, then your actions are appropriate. Understand though that “over the top” jealousy (unfounded, over reactive) as my female therapist put it will eventually end the marriage.
12. This doesn’t sound true. Understand that in my case, I couldn’t be with my wife 24/7. The finances just couldn’t tolerate my wife’s expectations. With abusers/losers, the more you do, the more they expect the next time; it’s not rational but the way it is to them.
13. When I was with my wife, there were times that I did work long hours. There were times that I did ignore her needs. Please understand that there is a difference between “lashing out” and “punishment”. Many times my wife was right and I tried to be a better husband for it. On the flip side, my wife lost her temper if I went to sleep early and didn’t say good night to her first; in my opinion, this was “over the top”, she could have calmly mentioned this to me first.
18. It doesn’t sound like your husband lives in fear of you; afraid of setting off your temper. If I called my wife overly sensitive, this could very well lead to a very bad blowup.
This took a long time. Understand that no one is perfect. Where there may be an issue for you is 10. above. I see you as a caring individual that does want to improve on your marriage; your husband also needs to understand his issues and work on them. It takes two to make a marriage or lasting relationship.
-
Wendy125
Hi Lourdes,
It’s obvious that you feel responsible for your own actions, and he is trying to make you feel responsible for his as well. My opinion has not changed based on your information.
The basic question is, who is concerned for whose feelings and well-being? Are you concerned for his? Is he concerned for yours? (Him saying that he is does not qualify.) Is there an imbalance?
Often in these situations one person is more invested in the relationship, and is often the more caring and “normally” functioning person of the two. That person is vulnerable, if the other person values the relationship less, and cares less.
If the imbalance is great enough, the relationship will not thrive and the more “caring” person will eventually be emotionally exhausted. What you think of as “loser” traits in yourself could be signs of such exhaustion, especially if they are getting worse.
So have a look and see how the relationship appears when you think of it in terms of balance.
-
Lourdes124
Thank you all for your comments.
If I can get your feedback on the few “loser” qualities I feel I am guilty of, either because I associate it with myself or because he says I possess or exhibit the trait, I would sincerely appreciate your input. I have provided the number and trait title as referenced and described in Dr. Carver’s “Are You Dating a Loser?” writings.
3. Temper-I lose my temper very quickly- sometimes throwing things or yelling.
6. The mean sweet cycle- one moment I am mad at him for hurting me, but then I put it aside and do something instinctively good or selfless)
7. It’s always your fault. Although I feel I take blame when it is my fault, He claims I always and only blame him for all our problems- of course he doesn’t see where he is responsible most of the time.
9. Outside interests- I feel threatened by any other interests he has, even time with family and friends, (perhaps because I do not feel complete or good enough) he blames me for feeling torn between pleasing me and “being there” for his children i.e. I try to undermine his “responsibilities” as a father to his children.
10. Paranoid Control- I am threatened by his activities occasionally questioning what he was doing and who he spoke to and why (perhaps a trust issue that he doesn’t feel enough for me to refrain from lying, infidelity or flirtation)
12. It’s never enough- He claims he can never do enough for me, that I always accuse him of subpar performance.
13. Entitlement- I occasionally feel extremely frustrated and overwhelmed when he doesn’t respond to my emotions or needs (of which I feel “entitled”) and lash out or punish him
18. Walking on Eggshells- he accuses me of having to walk on eggshells because everything upsets or bothers me…I am often “overly sensitive”
I find it interesting that the qualities I possess, although unhealthy, reflect insecurity in how he acts, treats and feels towards me. However, when I speak with him of his “loser” traits and reactions towards them, he claims it is responsive. He uses the “who started it” philosophy, well of course “I start it” when I say I “need his support” or “affection” and in response he calls me needy, unhealthy, high maintenance and overly sensitive, and in my reaction to his response is to become mad or disappointed and accuse him of not doing enough. Either way the pattern and his allegations of my traits forces me to look inward and reflect whether I am the “its all about me” person and the real loser which exacerbates his “loser-ness”.
Do your comments regarding the ability to feel responsible as uncharacteristic of the typical loser change based on any of my information above? Thank you both, and anyone else, for your insight and contribution. -
MiaFran123
Lourdes,
I agree with Wendy on that. You aren’t responsible for his stuff.Somehow the weight seems to fall on the one who is concientious enough to do everything possible to change the situation; making us look and feel like the loser here. We simply could not do enough for them, not to mention maintain our own mental health.
-
Wendy122
Hi Lourdes,
I think you’ve answered your own question. You are trying to decide if you are “responsible” for his actions. As Dr. Carver defines “losers”, they don’t concern themselves with responsibility - it is always someone else’s fault (except when they feel like expressing some”remorse” to keep you where they want you). So, if you’re concerned about your responsibility, you don’t fit the “loser” profile very well.
Do you feel there’s any possibility that he’s sitting at home wondering if he was responsible for anything on your side? Probably not.
From what you’ve said, the pattern appears that you are tangled up in his take on things - which will have to do with what was your fault and not with what was his. This is very common when we are dealing with these types of personalities, and we can easily doubt ourselves. Researching personality disorders may give you some comforting perspective.
-
Lourdes121
I found myself going through the “loser” traits, many of which clearly reflect my “loser”. However I also found myself identifying several of the “loser” qulaities in myself- mostly relating to trying to obtain control. Do my “loser” qualties validate or create his loser qualities? or are my traits a response? who is the true loser? I am having trouble reconciling whether I am responsible for enabling or justifying the loser qualities in him and justifying my loser qualities as being created by his victimiation.
You are currently browsing comments. If you would like to return to the full story, you can post a comment there.
Pages: « 18 … 16 15 14 [13] 12 11 10 … 1 »