Comments on “550 Reader Comments on Dr Carver’s ‘Loser’ Article”

189 Responses to “550 Reader Comments on Dr Carver’s ‘Loser’ Article”

Search for in the Comment Body Commenter Name

• 

  Lourdes

  29th May 2008

  120

  I found myself going through “the loser” traits and clearly identified several traits that my “loser” possessed, but was disheartened to discover I have seen some of these traits in myself. Does that mean that my traits validate, jusitify,or create my “loser’s” rtraits? I am having trouble reconciling whether I am the true loser or he is.

• 

  MiaFran

  28th May 2008

  119

  Deb,

  So true, why should she fear, but still that is one of the solid reasons I used in determining to leave. I simply could not be sure he would not go from avoidant, to ambivilant, to beligerant to violent. Even though physical violence is not a big concern in schizophrenia, he is also paranoid, and so the combo of delusional thinking and auditory hallucination, to me was dangerous. I could not get my counselor to tell me that my ex would not hurt me.
  She even suggested that before I leave, I have a place to go; not to file until I was safe. Now either that would be from the battered women’s shelter or from an apartment if there was no immediate threat. I was never really sure from one hour to the next.
  I’m in an apartment and filed 6 weeks after moving.

  I give your daughter credit. She knows what she’s doing and if the law enforcement is aware, that may help.

  I took preliminary actions quietly starting last July when I found his psych eval. I took my husbands gun to the local stationlast Aug. and explained my situation . They have kept the gun til I get it out. I called the detective bureau and explained my home situation asking for advice on getting out safe and how they handle Personality Disordered people. So then they knew where I lived and about what day I would be talking to him about our split. They knew what to expect if I called for emergency purposes.

  Your daughter is young and has a lot of strength and courage to move on. She will do very well, I’m sure.

• 

  Deb

  28th May 2008

  118

  Thanks MiaFran…we truly have moved on with this situation and are happy she has found a nice guy. But call it instinct or a little fear of her ex since he has recently changed from friendly and apologetic to verbally hurtful to her for no reason that has made me ask that question. If he sees her dating an old friend of his, not sure what anger can do to someone with a personality disorder. I did share my concerns with her, but careful not to scare her because she did tell me he had anger management issues in his past. I know everyones advice is for her to lay low til he leaves for the marines in July, but as she told me, if she has to stay away from everywhere she loves to go to avoid him — isn’t he still in control of her? She’s got a point…

• 

  MiaFran

  28th May 2008

  117

  Deb,

  You have the same tendency I do, ” I know I worry before things happen”, so Deb we both need to step back and spend much more time enjoying the good things.

  Try not to stay one step ahead of your daughters ex. Mention your concern to her and then let her deal with those things. She knows you care, of course. But she is smarter than before and can take care of herself, I’m sure.

  Anyway, regarding jealousy, my ex has a diagnosed personality disorder in which he sees me as his property or, his trust. I belonged to him; he was in charge of me. That kind of thing.

  Deb, I loved being a wife, and I ignored signs of his jealousy because I believed in time that he would come to his senses. Plus, I had 4 kids who needed what I could give to raise them. I loved that and made the absolute most of those child rearing years. Today my 4 kids are independent adults, 2 married and 2 younger ones working and in college. I believe I did exactly what God wanted of me and therefore have no regrets. No matter what anyone else thinks I was loving and faithful in my task and fully involved until I was unable to ignore the progressively odd behavior of my paranoid/schiz. husband.

  I thought it was a matter of maturity for him and that he would grow up. He is 10 yrs older than me, but he never left his childhood home, emotionally. His disorder on top of that makes an interesting study, which is how I have to look at it now.

  I ignored signs, such as when we went out to the mall or park, he would always walk behind me, never, and I mean never with me hand in hand. Ever. I would stop and wait for him until he caught up with me and start to walk again. He would slow down and stay behind. More than once I would slow down with him and walk side by side, after all it must be that I walk much too fast? I would say how slow he is or “am I walking too fast?” He wouldn’t answer.

  Or when we went out to eat, how he would talk about people in the restaurant who he believed were looking at me. I ignored that by peering at the menu and asking him what he thought he was going to order.
  Or the time he got up from the table and left me there at another restaurant, telling me he knew I was up to something because I ordered a drink and that he would see me later. After several months of trying to get to the bottom of that last one, he finally told me he knows I was going to leave that restaurant with another man.?! He wanted to know his name.(I told him Theodor Geisel. That was not nice of me, by the way. You do not “play” with disordered people.)

  I went to counseling to find out what the hell was going on.
  I have issues but was able to separate mine from his and allow him to finally face the consequences of his own behavior which goes against my nature. I fix everyones feelings, that’s my responsibility, right?(my issue, not his)

  Nope. It turned out, it wasn’t me after all.

• 

  Deb

  28th May 2008

  116

  Maybe the losers get “hooked” on the victims that are strong enough to stand up to them and/or reject them? In my daughters case, her ex never had the breakup panic with other gf’s that he did over her - for months and months. These articles point to narcissistic tendencies so maybe the rejection is what drives them to keep you on a back burner - they just can’t take it? And when they get the opportunity to reject you back, I’m sure it makes them feel wonderful.

  I have a new question due to a recent development. How does jealousy have an impact on a personality disorder? My daughter is starting to see a really nice boy, popular, great family, etc., purely out of coincidence, they realized they had previously met each other at a football game while my daughter was with her ex…and this new boy knows her ex. Doesn’t hang with him anymore, but they were sort of friends last year. He asked her about the breakup, she kept it simple, as she didn’t want to go into details and have a negative start to this new relationship. I know I worry before things happen, but what could the repercussions be if her ex saw them out together? Jealousy isn’t easy for anyone, but what happens in an abusers thinking process? Seems like in some way they feel you are still their property. As you all said, they are wired differently than we are but it seems like they all have the same pattern and reaction to certain circumstances. If they can abuse their partners when they think they are in love with them…what happens when they get mad at them? We live in a fairly small town so chances are this could very well happen.

• 

  Mack

  27th May 2008

  115

  Re “Do they ever go away?” :-)

  I have not been contacted in about a year. I think that is half because I ended the relationship by letter and explained that he apparently didn’t have what I was looking for, I didn’t respond to the subsequent guilt trip or no-responsibility tantrum, and then I very quietly cut any remaining ties one by one over the next 6mths or so. I think he must’ve expected me to change my mind. Or rebound or be something. I have not.

  I suspect his not popping up “to check on me” may be a matter of pride because after all his rejections of me I flipped the script and rejected him. I am very vaguely aware of him still — that’s what comes of knowing common people — and suspect he’s also been busy toying with other ladies… Dunno. Haven’t asked. Won’t be askin’. :)

  It’s far from an ideal situation as far as my personal ethics go: I’m pretty big on “full forgiveness means restoration” and so it’s still somewhat frustrating that I can’t get to restoration in this case because to the best of my knowledge he has not changed — up to 9 months afterwards he had not changed — and I can’t fix anyone else’s brokenness.

  So, yeah, once in a while they go away. But who knows what kind of foolishness he might try to pull next year? And if not to me, then what’s he doing to someone else? Doesn’t seem really good enough to say “Ah well, it’s not me, what a relief!” But that advice MiaFran is absolutely on the money: you can’t control what kind of path your ex is on; you can only control your path, and should they knock at your door again, you don’t have to be home. Meantime you can pray that life checks them and mitigates their havoc. Because at the end of the day they hurt people and stunt themselves doing what they do, and the less of that we had in this world the better it would be.

• 

  MiaFran

  27th May 2008

  114

  Any and All,

  Betty brings up good question about the L. recontacting us, the V’s.

  And talking about moving forward, I don’t know about the L.’s choices but I am in control of my choices to move forward.

  My counselor said to surround myself with good people who do live life in a forward direction. We the Vict’s will get over all this as we go forward ourselves.

  My job keeps me thinking in forward motion. Having the good experiences of being in school again socializing with others and making friends also puts space between me and the negative environment that used to be called “home”.

  Now, home is my place to rest and relax even though I have few family members blessing on my departure.

  Bottom line for me is, I LIKE ME AND IT’S WORTH ME MOVING FORWARD WITH, OR WITHOUT ANYONE’S BLESSING.

• 

  MiaFran

  27th May 2008

  113

  Betty,

  One more thing. It isn’t Victim. Not for me or you or any of us, really. It is Victor, as in Victory!

• 

  MiaFran

  27th May 2008

  112

  Betty,

  Thanks for your comments.

  The law is keeping the L; at bay for me, too. Pretty sure that he will “Dump me” eventually, and find someone else. He already has been with someone else during our marriage.
  He does think he has me in a corner, but it was me that filed for divorce and I moved out a month and a half before that deed was done. No backsies on this.

  I found out slowly over the past 3-4 years the extent of his Loser-ness. He has a personality disorder-documented, and his behavior follows. He wants NO help.

  If it don’t work, fix it. If it don’t fix, go on. That is me. Yes even after living my entire adult life, up to this point, married to him.

  Ha haaaa, I am one right now, who frankly doesn’t give a crap whether my L. goes forward, reverse or sideways. (Sorry NAMI, I just can’t get past his spite for me)

  All I know is that I am no longer his audience. Since using this website, I have gained quite a bit of truth to weigh my thoughts and decisions against. The “Love and Stockholm Syndrome” article clarifies to me where I have been in this relationship, and that by default. His view of me was that he was my rescuer from what, I am not sure; but that he must protect me. I had no idea except that he treated me like I was a burden, to him financially and emotionally. His cruel words or avoidance of me was useful in keeping me in line and causing me to strive to fix, change me, the house, the food, the kids, What the hell? I’m exhausted.

  Whereas I believed I was doing the right thing by keeping quiet about the psych abuse and remaining focused on good things like being my kids MOM, I can see that saying nothing about his behavior; to him anyway, meant he was OK.

  Now, back to my debriefing……

• 

  Betty

  27th May 2008

  111

  Are there ever Losers that never try to reconnect to a former victim?

  I would be interested in anyone’s experiences with shutting off a loser and never hearing from them again?

  As I posted, I have the law involved and Dr Carver explained that it is due to that aspect that he is leaving me alone. I hope it is a sign that he may never find it worth the serious consequences of contact again due to the fact that I have not waivered in helping in his prosectution nor have I given him access to me. I only go to court appearances when absolutely necessary because i don’t want him to think I am there because I still have feelings for him and want to be near him (Barf, sorry) He would always verbally attack me because he felt he was always the one who had to wave the white flag and do the work to “get me back” (I know, their warped perceptions so they can mess with your mind). If he thinks that way, he is waiting for it to snow in hell before I contact him ever again!

  Surely there has to be Losers who reject old victims. He has his family and his alcohol and the job I got him so as soon as he replaces me, and I unfortunately believe he may have, the poor woman, he will be gone for good!!! Aren’t unsuspecting new victims better pickins for these creatures? If given the choice is old better than new or vice versa?

  There has to be a class of them that just keep moving forward and not in reverse.

  Anyone have those experiences to share?

You are currently browsing comments. If you would like to return to the full story, you can post a comment there.