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134 Responses to “550 Reader Comments on Dr Carver’s ‘Loser’ Article”
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Alika100
Hi Dr. Carver/Wendy,
Thank you for your advice and reassurance. I really appreciate it. It just surprises me that these LOSERS have the guts to contact someone after everything they’ve put them through.
As I stated before, I will NOT contact him…. and will continue on my exit path.
Wendy, all I can say is Dr. Carver puts it well and in clear words.
I really appreciate everything and cannot say thank you enough!
Alika
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99
Hi Alika: Your story is a classic example of how a Loser ALWAYS considers his/her previous victim as on “back burner”. The Loser 1) accepts no responsibility, 2) has no real emotional connection with you, and 3) has no concern for your feelings or what they’ve done to you - So… they never hesitate to toss out some bait (a call, txt message, email, friend contact, etc.) to see if you’ll bite. They will continue to keep you on back burner - even with working on their next victim. It’s for this reason that I always recommend NO CONTACT after the relationship is over.
Keep in mind, a contact of any kind by a Loser is about THEIR agenda - never yours. In a zoo, when a predatory animal makes eye contact with you, it’s not being friendly…it’s sizing you up for an attack.
Stay on the exit path and to stay healthy - No Contact.
Dr. Carver -
Wendy98
Glad to hear from you Alika, and glad you are doing well. And double-glad you are staying away from your ex. :)
Yes, it’s true, even when we are feeling confident it’s always nice to be reassured. Everyone on this forum knows that no contact is best in these situations. You’re doing the right thing.
My former friend “ML” was preoccupied with the idea that people (eventually including me and my husband, who were actually very fond of him) were spreading rumours and lies about him. This seems to be part of the package in many cases. And of course he then used this as a reason to retaliate.
He has not contacted us for 8 months, although he made a bizarre phone call to one of our friends in December with many irrational and bitter complaints about my husband, interspersed with questions like, “do you think I can call him?” Our friend though it was the weirdest phone call ever and could not wait to hang up.
Again, Alika, glad life is going well post-ex!
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Alika97
Hi everyone,
It’s been a couple of months since I posted something on her. Probably a good 5 months or so, BUT every so often I come back on her and read up on everyone’s progress. I also have see many new comers on this site and I would like to say - this is a great forum and dont worry you or your family members will get through it.Last night after about 4 months or so, my male loser ex boyfriend texted me, “how yah doin?” I could not believe it when I saw the text on my phone. This guy is just a piece of work. Since him and I last spoke beginning of December.. he went to Spain, got engaged, blocked me on facebook and accused my friend of spreading rumors. I just don’t understand what his problem is… though somewhere I know.. losers never give up and just want to get you in the ring for another match (as Dr. Carver would put it).
I wont lie - I little part of me wonders how he is doing, BUT I would NEVER take any action. I guess its human nature to wonder.
For everything he has put me through all of 2007, I will NOT speak to him. There is no need too.. he has moved on as have I. I can truly say that I don’t care about him anymore and would like no involvement whatsoever as it will only lead to misery.
I am confident in my decision not to speak to him, but would hopefully like some reassurance.
I hope all is well with everyone. My advice is always maintain distance with these losers and with time everything will fall into place.
Alika
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Deb96
Margaret…your first line takes the cake…I probably shouldn’t of, but you made me laugh - it’s so true. So did Mack’s comment on Nemo…
Don’t worry - chapter is Closed for good. She will not allow him to contact her in any way - nor will she give him the time of day at the mall. Lessons learned the hard way, but at least learned.
Thanks so much to all of you!!!
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margaret95
Just what the marines need..a sociopath. Well, he’s their problem now. I agree with Mack…distance, distance, distance. The text exchange was a set-up, and in your daughter’s effort to be nice, she fell right into the trap. This is the lesson of these people…you can never, ever win and you cannot afford to engage in any way, on any level. They play outside the range of normal boundaries. But they also make the abnormal seem normal…so it becomes crazy-making. After I got rid of my loser who was always too good to work, (but not too good to take the hard-earned fruits of my labor) I noticed one morning these men in suits and ties heading into Starbucks or their offices and the light went on “oh, yes, I’d forgotten, normal men DO work and take care of their families and pay their bills” I was seeing normalcy for the first time in a long time, so distorted had my life become. Mack also makes another good point about getting free. I went back to the loser once after breaking up…he had a girlfriend in between, and the entire second time I was with him, all I could think was “she got away…now I’m the one who’s stuck”. Everyone talks about the loser “charm”. It isn’t charm at all. It is just cunning, and conning, and manipulation. And there is nothing charming about those qualities. They are cheap, low, empty qualities. Close this chapter forever. You will be so glad you did when he no longer saps your emotional energy or your daughter’s.
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Deb94
I definitely appreciate your advice and I’m glad I posted this…because it’s interesting that you have a little different take on it than I did. My logic told me he is feeling VERY secure with his new gf (victim) – so he wanted to let my daughter know he was DONE WITH HER. And his $$ bragging part … “now look what your missing.” But maybe that is what a “normal” guy would do. I doubt a normal guy would do it without some type of provocation though. You are all saying that this is a cycle and it’s possible he may try to continue this when he is feeling differently. This is why I appreciate having your experiences to fall back on – you know better than I his motives…thanks for the warning…
Wendy: Your comments are always on the mark - you can read my mind. Intriguing - yes. If you “pin down” what it is - please post it because its so unsettling to not know why we are reacting to someone so absurd. My daughter is VERY lucky not being strung along by him — I am so proud of her for that, because I certainly was. She was extremely wrapped up in him at first so I did always worry that she would be crushed by a breakup with him, but then her friends didn’t like him because of his ego and he would do so many little things to annoy her. One of the first things he said to her when her met her was “you better be worth it, I have a bunch of other girls after me”. Being so young she took it as a challenge, instead of a put-down. That was a year ago - she said that if anyone ever said anything like that to her again they’d be out the door in a split second. And yes, I hope the marines will actually KEEP him!
Mack and Morris: My daughter is done with his nonsense so no more “social politeness” even at “her” store. She said she will totally ignore him, even if he has to say hello to her as a customer. (Unless you think this will provoke him further.) He had his last chance as far as she’s concerned - being nice when she really didn’t want to and getting a slap in the face for it is a wake up call. And he knows he hit her most vulnerable spot…she’s been striving for a year to get into these agencies as it’s extremely competitive and then putting down her appearance. He’s a master 2 - put-downs in 7 little words. As you’ve suggested - she has blocked him - he may be able to e-mail her but I asked her not to respond no matter how bad it is. I think he wanted the last word.
Morris - the age thing…I was reading the section on borderline personality disorder, narcissism and histrionic disorders - I believe he has all three and it starts showing up in early adulthood - some symptoms at 17-18. I was even thinking he was “textbook” even before you all confirmed that.
What’s strange about all this - is that “I” finally feel free of him. As Margaret noted a while back - my daughter experienced the snake pit he was, and even though she told me about it - I never saw it first-hand before, but that one little remark is all it took.
And for anyone out their who is thinking of being friends with their ex loser just to keep the peace — read Margarets comment to Lisa on friendship with this type of person — then read my daughter’s exchange with her ex - what a mistake — it’s just not worth it.
THANK YOU… AGAIN!!!!!!
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Wendy93
Hi, Deb,
Nothing new under the sun, I’m afraid. His behaviour is “textbook”. My former friend, “ML”, used exactly the same tactic with false friendliness and sudden cutting comments - even when we were in the middle of what we both insisted was a wonderful friendship! There is no help for it. I’m glad your daughter has distanced herself.
On a bit of a “way-out-there” note - your daughter is especially lucky not to have been greatly hurt by this fellow or to have allowed herself to be strung along by him, because there is something intriguing about these people that tends to allow them to garner a lot of our attention. You yourself have found that you have been almost irrationally involved in how things resolve (for lack of a better word) between this fellow and your daughter, just as many of the folks on this forum report that they know the movements and involvements of their ex’s. Something about them “makes you look”. I haven’t pinned down what it is, and I’m sure it’s several things, but it’s certainly part of the package. This allows them to “hook” people as easily as they do, despite their common disadvantages such as unemployment, poor social boundaries, impulsive behavior, addictions, etc.
So I really appreciate when Mack compares them to seagulls!
Again, I’m glad your daughter is doing well, and I hope he really does go off to the Marines!
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Morris92
Hi Deb,
I remember reading your account with your daughter and wondering how it was possible for someone so young to be a loser. In my case, I always thought that the personality took time to “cultivate” and manifest itself. Now I realize that age doesn’t matter, however, circumstances such as being married or single do make a difference.
What I have learned, is that these “personalities” crave control; they play head games to achieve those ends. Also, the controllers/losers/abusers want to get as much as they can out of their “victims” as possible.
Since I was married, getting out of the “relationship” (am now seeing that it was anything but), was more complicated from a legal and financial point. Since your daughter was not married, finances never really were part of the question; the only string the loser had was control. In this case, to achieve the control, the loser tries to keep your daughter on a string; back and forth for 6 months. To be frank, I take what the “ex” BF is saying about his new GF with a grain of salt; it appears that he is still trying to have his cake and eat it to. He hasn’t given up on controlling your daughter, the lovey dovey then abusive language episodes are proof (cycle of abuse); when he does give up, it will be because he found another victim. In my case, my soon to be ex did try to guilt me back for about 2-3 weeks; it didn’t work. Since we were married, she went to the monitary route next. Why wait 6 months? She simply switched her tact; if she can’t have my soul right away, then get as much monetary compensation as possible. Who knows, she may even call me up once the settlement deal is done to try to get me back. My wife is very attractive; my support group says that once she gets all she can get from me then it will be time for hubby #4.
I did see my therapist a few weeks back; my concern was that I as detaching from the situation and my feelings for my wife were to say the least, cold. The therapist said that this was very healthy and to reiterate, excellent on my part that I didn’t want to go back to my wife let alone talk to her again. In my case, being close to 50 and having been in 2 similar type of marriages; it took until now, better late than never, to realize my pattern. I was probably a little more resolute than your daughter mainly due to painful wisdom. Be proud of your daughter; she is learning to detach and realize at a very young age, what I relationship should be about.
Like I said, in a way I may have made out better than your daughter; I buy out my wife but get my life back quicker. My wife gives up earlier so she can get alimony and a split of the assets; summer is approaching, my wife will eventually retool and be off to the races for her next beau. Don’t worry, your daughters ex will eventually become sophisticated and be able to flit from victim to victim quicker; your daughter will soon be old news!
Before I was married, I was needy; about 18 months out of my 1st marriage. My current soon to be ex was very attractive and like many abusers/losers, was everything that a man would want, but only for the 1st 6 months. For a few months, I used to wonder how I could keep such an attractive lady; in the last year of marriage, I used to pray that some wealthy attractive man would steal my wife away! In my case, marriage is a very harsh and deep lesson; it took 2 times but I finally am learning! With your daughter, it was more or less quick; she is also young and can absorb a lot, this may not be good in that she could go back for another round. The loser feeds on the back and forth stuff. My advise is to break all contact; when I did this with my soon to be ex, she pushed her lawyer for an early settlement. The sooner you and your daughter ignore the “ex” BF, the sooner he will be out of your lives!
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Mack91
Hey Deb — strikes me that’s vintage loser behavior right there: persistent predation and no provocation required.
Sadly enough, reading the exchange reminded me of the seagulls in Finding Nemo: “Mine-mine-mine-mine-mine…” If you have it, they want it. If they can’t have it nobody should. And in the meantime they have no problem dropping something nasty on the deck of your boat. You don’t ask for them to drop it. But you’re there, and they’re there, and that’s all the “provocation” they need. He was probably bored.
That is why it’s a good thing the dude deleted your daughter from his contacts on that site, though I totally understand her shock — been there myself. I would now advise her to block him permanently, and if he ever requests a connection on that or any other site (and he might just snoop her out and try to spy on her progress), she should ignore or decline.
He’s shady. Distance distance distance. No more personal details; if she does see him, she’s probably going to need to scale back the “social politeness” even more: no substantial information at all because as she’s seen it only becomes ammunition. Instead, block with vague generalities, comments about the weather, isn’t it a nice day. Because that’s all the poor boy can manage. Let’s not give him more than he can manage.
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