Say Yes to No?

‘Say Yes to No’ is the name of a Minnesota based movement designed to save children from what they define as the contemporary US ‘yes’ culture of self indulgence. Psychologist and author David Walsh calls saying no a parenting strategy which will save our children from a condition he calls “discipline deficit disorder, or DDD” and give them the tools to be self reliant and successful.

Walsh cited Mischel’s well known 1968 Stanford marshmallow test in which 3- and 4-year-olds, sitting in a room by themselves with a marshmallow on a table in front of them, were given a choice of eating it or waiting 20 minutes, and being given two marshmallows. The ability to wait for the marshmallow turned out to be a strong predictor of adjustment, dependability and academic success 18 years later.

Personally I think evidence is compelling that the ability to delay gratification is strongly linked to culture and class, which in turn are inextricable from economics and politics. It is not just a question of the child’s character as cultivated by parenting skills. Nonetheless, it is hard to argue that present day cultures in the UK and US, at least, value and make available the illusion of instant fame, happiness and gratification, which can usually be bought, and a culture which provides a surplus of entertainment with no effort required.

Walsh explains what he sees as the myths surrounding self esteem. The first is the myth that feeling good about yourself leads to academic success rather than the other way around. The second myth is that self esteem equates with feeling good, leading to parents’ developing “an allergic reaction to our kids being unhappy” and the third is that stress, challenge and disappointment damage self esteem.

To the first point, I would say that academic success has an awful lot to do with the education system and myriad other factors. I am sure that parents praising their children is not a major factor in underachievement. Praise can create the kind of climate in which more specific things can be done to make sure children live up to their academic potential, key things like discussing problems and reading at home. The implication that it is academic success which gives us self esteem doesn’t seem to me to be helpful. Of course it is satisfying to be good at something, not necessarily an academic subject, and get results, but it should not be the bedrock on which our sense of being OK is based.

It seems to me to be true that self esteem is a basic sense of yourself as being OK, which can withstand both good and bad feelings. Parents trying to please their children at all costs is not going to help build this inner security, but neither, necessarily, is saying no in order to ‘provide’ self esteem. While it seems obvious that stress, challenge and disappointment are not enemies of self esteem but rather opportunities for it to deepen, I am not sure that ‘teaching the skill of self-discipline’ will build a real sense of it.

Of course children need boundaries to feel safe; parents need to set limits. But by bundling economic, commercial, media, educational and parenting issues all into one and prescribing a single, negative, antidote, I am not sure the ‘Say Yes to No’ campaign is the answer. I think the way to not destroy a child’s natural sense of alrightness is to accept them and all of their feelings as OK, and communicate that clearly, while reacting to behaviour as appropriate. When a child feels basically alright with themselves in the world, or ‘has self esteem’ then they will be able to ‘develop self discipline’ or make sensible decisions as to what is best for themselves.

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