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550 Reader Comments on Dr Carver’s ‘Loser’ Article

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All the best,
Greg

Sadly I drifted back to the abuser of 17 years after parting in spring this year – I had a catalogue of disasters following the parting which included my house becoming flooded and I had to move out of my home into temporary accommodationfor 6 months which was well. In addition, the builders that had been employed to fix my house turned out to be cowboys and trashed my house – I then had to face threatening legal action. I had virtually no support network and had to deal with everything myself. It has been a total nightmare and probably one of the worst years of my life.
A few months ago, just before my house was finally ready to move back into, my ex got in touch and I was very vulnerable and lonely and I fell hook line and sinker. He is wealthy and he took me on holiday etc but after about 2 months he started getting nasty again. I am 10 years younger than him and look very good for my age so does my ex but he is showing signs of age and he admits he is feeling his age – in fact he behaves more like a grumpy old man than lover and like an abusive parent (and yes I had two of those!).
Anyway, he started putting me down and criticising me over little things saying I was getting fat (I am not) and criticising the way I speak. I think he is jealous of my youth to be honest. I am very noticable and he has a big thing about people admiring him when he is out – I do not want to sound bigheaded but I do get looked at a lot. I have noticed he has started putting me down more – I really think he is jealous and because he is getting older, he is getting more nasty to me.

The last straw was deja vu – last year he made a big thing about buying me a diamond necklace for christmas, we chose it together and immediately afterwards he got nasty and dumped me because he said that I depressed him due to the fact that I was not bubbly enough when I was with him or spoke to him on the phone. His view is that I cannot have any problems because having him in my life must be so wonderful that nothing else matters! I must point out here that I was going through a lot of problems at work and despite my supporting him countless times over the years, he never ever supports me. It always him him and him and talking about himself constantly – like a monologue (yawn). He made a big thing about my not giving enough to the relationship and how it was all my fault and I ‘knew what I had done’! We made up in time for last Christmas but he made sure that when his family opened the presents, there was nothing for me as he had returned my present to the shop. That was a real low point. I think he takes delight in showing what he can afford to give me and then denying it as a sort of cruelty and abuse -am I right?
In fact, my mother was just like this and a real witch when I was growing up and also did this trick every Christmas and birthday – she was the height of cruelty personified. She is very old now but does mind her P&Qs very carefully now as I have made it quite clear that I will not tolerate anything else from her.
Fastforward to now, I am in a different job which is more senior and quite difficult at times – he refuses to support me. Last weekend he bought me a dress ring which he has now taken back to the jewellers because, guess what, he has said that I depress him because I am not bubbly enough and ‘need to lighten up’ – despite the fact that my job is incredibly demanding and stressful. And he dumped me again this week – when I tried to explain to him why I was not bubbling with happiness he said I depressed him and to ‘just go’ before putting the phone down on me. We were due to go away at New Year on a great holiday but he has told me that I will not be going and he making alternative plans to go away with another woman who he picks and dumps when he has no one else.
He went out with her a couple of years ago for 3 months when he and I had broken up and he admitted to everyone he didn’t really fancy her but she was better than nothing. She is very lonely and very persistent and has constantly stalked him since that time and when he and I bumped into her a while ago, I was quite shocked because she was not his arm candy usual type – just very dowdy and very plain. She has however persistently stalked him by ringing him up, sending letters of undying love and last week we were in a restaurant she turned up at the table to say hello to him and blanked me. I think he was quite surprised but I think they have been in touch since.
His parting shot was this week that he was making plans to go on this holiday without me (because I complained he did not support me etc) – and I believe it is with her because she is a 100% doormat who tells him constantly how wonderful he is, how lucky she is to be with him, never argues with him and has told him she is the luckiest woman in the world to be with him!
I do not want to go through this again, I tried really really hard last time – okay that was before a series of catastrophic events happened including me losing my home for 6 months whilst it was rebuilt – but tell me HOW do I break this pathetic cycle of events. I look at myself and see a very attractive woman with a lovely personality who gets on well with people and I am very confident (except with him when I feel browbeaten) and I KNOW I should not be going through this again. I have tried reasoning with him but he gets verbally incredibly abusive and a bit like the incredible hulk. I think he is deep down a monster.
I really need some positive advice and some pointers as to the steps I need to take to make sure this does not happen again – we have had 17 years of breakups and makeups and I have missed out on so much happiness with someone normal.
Please help.

And a caution: over Christmas steel yourself for her return. She might be sweet immediately, but you already know taht the the folly will resume. And this is what you’ll probably resist the most (at least, it’s what I resisted for a good 7 months): the idea that this is not just something she does — it’s something that she is… and no matter how genuine and loving you are, you have neither power nor authority to change who someone else is.

Keep strong everybody! :-)

Still, I am trying to use this situation as an opportunity to improve myself. I am slowly taking my life back and doing all the things I used to do. Problem is that I go from one situation to another. I go skiing and a few days later, my wife gets angry over something else. At least after my last argument, over my wife’s intrusion on my privacy, I told her that going through my E-mails and cell phone numbers is not acceptable behavior. As a bonus, when my wife started to lose her temper, I cut her off and told her to come back and we will discuss the issue(s) further when she cools off.

I wish that my wife would be consistent and be angry all the time; that is the cycle, after 3 days of anger and fighting she got “sweet” again a few days back. I think the honeymoon stage will last until she goes away to visit her family over Christmas; this is the 10K+ trip that was supposed to cost less than 5K. While she is gone, I will join a health club and otherwise continue to change my life in a positive way.

Karen.

It’s this simple: your ex has a personality disorder, as a psychologist has confirmed. She has discarded you because you didn’t obey her, found someone else who amuses her (with the added benefit that this punishes you), and placed some phone calls to “see how you were doing” (but really to monitor how her punishment was working). She is in a “honeymoon period” with her new associate. Rest assured that things will break down. Personality disorders do not suddenly “heal”. As to whether she will try to “rekindle” with you then … believe it or not, you may not even care by the time this happens, if it does.

Read over the posts here, and give yourself some time to regain your sense of self and lose that nasty helpless feeling of dependence on her. Trust me – it will happen! And education helps very much.

Please take the time and read other “tales” including mine. You may not realize it now, but consider yourself fortunate and the other poor guy unlucky. A leopard does not change it’s spots. What surprises me is that your ex is opting for a long engagement; hard for her not to show her true colors in 18 months!

After my separation/divorce from my 1st wife, I waited about a year before I started dating. I was in my middle 40′s, my marriage was a disaster, no, not this one that I am currently in but the previous one. My 1st wife was a rebound from a girlfriend that was paranoid schizo. I hadn’t done any real dating since my middle 30′s.

I met my present wife over the internet; at the time my confidence and esteem about my looks was low. After about 6 months of dating, I was starting to think that perhaps it was my looks, my age etc. When I look back, it was neither but understand how I felt after a year and a half of loneliness.

I met my 2nd wife exactly 2 years ago face to face after corresponding over the internet for 6 months and some telephone conversations.

I can tell that you are feeling low, you have an attachment to your “ex” with no one else in the past 6 years. You are having doubts about yourself and are very lonely.

As I said, I met my wife 2 years ago; within 2 months of the 1st meeting, we moved in together and were married in less than 6 months of our initial face to face. My wife is a gorgeous lady; no, that isn’t the reason why I married her. In fact, the picture she posted on the internet didn’t do her justice; she used to do modelling and told me that she was looking for a “nice guy” and played down her “assets”. In my case, some of my previous dates were also extremely attractive; really, I was more interested in how we could talk, correspond and relate to one another.

The reason for my story is that now, two years later, I wish that some rich good looking guy would make my life simple and steal away my wife! Do your remember the song; “Paradise by the Dashboard lights” by “Meatloaf”? That’s me.

You know what’s really crazy? I figured that my now wife, being attractive and will educated would be more “level”. I have esteem problems and so did my ex and my previous lady before this. I never really considered myself attractive and always felt more comfortable with nice inner qualities and someone who more or less like me took care of herself. I figured my now wife, the way she carried herself, dressed, acted, talked was so together. Me, I was unsure of myself and thought this to be abnormal.

The positive about my present marriage, is that I can now better understand myself. I remember in High School, how I felt about myself; thought I was the ugliest kid in the world. Later in life, I found out from others that they too, had similar issues. In other words, now, I realize that yes, I do have some issues, but overall am a “winner” and not a “loser”.

It is easier for me to say it; I realize that you have your own issues, still, consider yourself fortunate. Better still, you must have some really good qualities to make your ex reject you!

Your ex has found someone that she can control and manipulate. You stood up to her and didn’t cut yourself off from your friend. You should take your friend out to a really nice dinner as thanks!

In time you will realize that it is all for the best. Meanwhile, get a good phychologist, talk to your friends; your friends are probably telling you the same thing that I am. My fear for you is that the present fiance will see the light and then your ex will come back on you! In your present state you just may give in.

Take care and welcome to the group!

– Michael

Dr. Carver – need your help. Recently, my ‘loser’ gave me a deadline/ultimatim to get a platonic friend out of my life, or we’re done. Right up until this date, she was talking about proposing to me, etc. The date came and went, I didn’t ice this dear friend, and within three days; she’s dating a new guy. Within three weeks, he moved in with her. Within five weeks total, they’re engaged! I’m dying inside! I can’t stop thinking and obsessing over it. She was ‘broken’ all this time with me, and now, she’s the ‘fixed’ person I’d been waiting to see all this time – but for someone else! I can’t fight the feeling that it was ME that was the problem… why not? It seems to be working okay with him. They’ve been together for going on three months now. She was calling me here and there for the first two months or so… just ‘seeing if I was okay’. About a month ago, I actually went to her, proposed to her, begged her to come back. No dice. Since then, she’s cut me out completely… saying I was ‘coming between her and her fiance’.

HELP! Will this rebound relationship last? Their wedding date isn’t for another year and a half yet. It’s killing me that she’s being the ‘her’ I fell in love with (and yes… she moved in within four weeks, we were shopping for rings within six) with someone else. I’m seeing a counsellor… have been for the past year. I was ready to move on, but somehow, the fact that she’s ENGAGED to another guy already won’t let me. I feel like I threw away a toy that was broken, and someone else picked it out of the trash and made it work. I’ve been ‘if only’ing myself to death. It kills me that she’s totally and completely ‘turned me off’ in her life.
I want her back so bad… I feel like I never really tried to make it work after all the bad stuff started happening. She says it all happened because I started treating her different (when all of the arguments over stupid little things started happening). I’m racked with guilt and jealousy, and it’s a constant preoccupying thought. I want them to end… if it works between them, then it just proves that it was ME that was the ‘problem’. If she can make it work with him, then it was ME.

– Michael

RMB, I think you’re probably right in saying that this relationship is your trigger. I know I can understand the dread cycle this kind of situation can easily bind you into. I also know the British winter isn’t the friendliest in the world; when I’m there it makes me want to just curl up in a ball and sleep my way through! Yet maybe — just maybe — a wise though tired bear can use this winter to plan for spring?

We’re rooting for ya!