Comments on “More on Relationship Losers, Abusers, Manipulators and Controllers”
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218 Responses to “More on Relationship Losers, Abusers, Manipulators and Controllers”
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Ralph90
Sometimes, I feel like I am the “loser” because I have tried to contact her and she has not tried to contact me. I didn’t do it because I was trying to control her (I am not about that), or I don’t want her to forget me, but just because I miss her sometimes and I want to see her again. I know I shouldn’t go down that road. But, she hasn’t contacted me at all, and she just ignores me anyway.
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Sally89
Hello Ralph, I felt I had to jump in here too. Losers will use every ploy whether it be nasty or nice comments to keep you on the back burner. They want you to be constantly thinking about them. Remember… its all about their wants and needs and not yours.
My ex loser still texts me after many months of me ignoring him. Why? because he wants to get inside my head so I won’t ever forget him. He doesn’t want me but he still wants control over me.
Dr Carver has taught me a great deal and you will gain a huge amount from this site.
Even though I left my loser 18months ago I am still in “rehab”. It takes time to heal. -
Ralph88
Wendy - it’s not easy to move on, but I am trying. I know she is a “loser.” She didn’t exactly go out of her why to conceal her misery to me. Why? You would think that if she hates me so much, and is having these horrible memories of me, then why even bother to let me know that she is miserable. Wouldn’t she even pretend to be happy? She has a new man. Wouldn’t that make her happy?
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Wendy87
Hi Ralph - it’s Wendy, who entered the forum on post #66. I just had to jump in and say that I had that exact same urgent type of question in my head for quite a while: “ML doesn’t actually believe all those things he has accused me of, does he?!?
But I’ve realized the sad truth that in these cases, it’s not that our former friends fervently believe the things they say to us … it’s that it doesn’t really matter to them one way or another. They’ll be on to another thing shortly, while we are left to ponder.
The best thing is to get on to other things ourselves. Don’t worry, the wondering phase wears off.
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Ralph86
Thank you, Dr. Carver. So, really, it isn’t me, is it? She’s just miserable in general? Is that what you are saying? She has issues? Are you detecting that her new romance hasn’t made her happy, either? And, are you saying that when she thinks about me, she is only thinking bad things, therefore she wants to detach herself from me forever? Will her feelings ever change about me? I know I need to move on, but will she ever think differently about me again?
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85
Dear Ralph: Your Ex has plenty of feelings - they’re just not warm and loving. In a relationship, we all develop lots of “emotional memories” (see article on this website). Some of those are good and some very bad. Those memories are sparked and brought to the surface in the presence of something related to those memories. We think of high school when we hear a song from that period in our lives, that kind of thing. When we run into someone unexpectedly, we are confronted by a flood of emotional memories and our mood-chemistry changes pretty quickly (as you noticed by her mood).
We also need to remember that we become linked to the emotional memories of other issues. While your presence sparked her emotional memories of her relationship with you - it also sparked memories of leaving you, a new person (and that didn’t make her happy), and how none of her moves have made her happy. Your smiling, pleasant manner reminded her that she was still totally miserable…as she described. In short, she’s not being cold to you…she’s just cold. I’d politely move on and not look for any closure here. Dr. Carver
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84
Dear Meme: When we encounter Losers, Abusers, Controllers, etc. in our life - or in our family - it’s in our best interest to keep them at a safe physical and emotional distance. We keep a physical distance by minimizing our contacts with them, making our visits brief, and avoiding long periods of prolonged contact like a vacation together. Emotionally, we keep them at a distance by revealing little personal information, ignoring abusive comments, and leaving if they become abusive. While my Loser article describes individuals, there are entire family systems that operate this way. If you have a family with Loser behaviors, they will become hostile if questioned, will feel entitled to punish you, and will make all their outbursts YOUR fault. While it may be hard to cut them out of your life, it’s not as difficult to restrict their influence in your life. Dr. Carver
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Ralph83
Dr. Carver,
Please help me understand something. I ran into my ex, who dumped me, last week in a parking lot. She just stopped repsonding to me about a month and a half ago, no closure, and finally sent me a curt email after my constant messages that she is seeing someone else. I did respond by saying some hurtful things to her, but that was out of complete frustration.
Anyway, when I ran into her, she seemed to be so bitter at me. She did talk, but was cold and wouldn’t look at me in the eye. She told me her job wasn’t going well and she couldn’t see herself doing it for another 20 years, she quit her running program (she was planning on running a 5k this fall) because she doesn’t have time, and she isn’t going to pursue her doctorate (her dream) because she doesn’t have money. She seemed so miserable.
Well, I extended my hand to her as I said that we never said goodbye. She looked at me and said “no.”. I extended it again, and she stepped back. She started to walk away, and she muttered softly that we already said goodbye. I wondered to myself in which conversation was that, because I’ve been hanging for a long time now. Finally, I asked her if she was bitter or mad, and she said no, she was just bitchy, and then she walked away without even saying goodbye.
My question: why would someone who did the breaking up feel so bitter and angry if they still didn’t have any feelings? I suppose if I broke up with someone, I would still be polite and not show any ill feelings because it wouldn’t matter to me anymore. I would have moved on.
She is the one who chice to eliminate/banish me from her life and she is the one who decided to give her heart to another man. Not me. She still talks to all of her other exes all of the time, but I am like taboo to her.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to be friends with her, and when I saw her again, and noticed her misery, I remembered why our relationship was doomed in the first place, but I know she had strong feelings for me at one point, and she probably lost those feelings, but why is she so determined to just erase me and be so cold to me?
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Meme82
Hi Dr Carver,
I have spoken to you before on here under another user name, about my ex who is a sociopath. I have changed my name for this question for privacy reasons though.
Unfortunately several immediate members of my family share very similar loser characteristics. Over the weekend I finally stood up for myself after a very long time of being walked all over and controlled. The result was that world war 3 broke out, they became extremely angry with me, threatened to take my child away from me and called be highly offensive names in front of my child.
I tried speaking to them about it and told them it was not on that they speak to me like that, and especially not in front of my child. They did not want to listen and couldn’t see anything wrong with their behaviour.
I feel bullied on both sides and would really like some advice, I am seriously thinking of cutting them out of my life all together.
How do I handle them Dr Carver?.
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kristina81
You’re so right Dr. Carver…I agree completely that those traits that make us a good person DO work against us in loser relationships as we consistently go to great lengths to make things alright or better. In the long run, you can’t change or fix anything or anyone else, but yourself. When we finally realize this, we are able to see it for what it is, let go and move on.
My rat has been exterminated forever. :) Thank you for everything!
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