Comments on “More on Relationship Losers, Abusers, Manipulators and Controllers”
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218 Responses to “More on Relationship Losers, Abusers, Manipulators and Controllers”
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Sally60
In the past I thought many, many times that my ex would change or I could change him, which is probably why I went back with him so many times and responded to his texts and emails. His sweetness was sweet, but came only after he had been bitter and cruel.
I know at times I am probably a bitch but my real overriding personality always comes through strong, as a caring and loving person, something I cannot change. With my controlling ex, his real overriding personality came through strong as well. That being controlling, narcissistic and vindictive which he is with his past and present partners. I can’t expect him to change either.I read the meaning of Narcism and could easily relate to this meaning which I copied below.
Although the term Narcism is often used for a healthy or somewhat big feeling of loving oneself it is also the term of a narcistic personality disorder (NPD). This is somewhat confusing and next to that the terms Narcism and Narcissism (because the term is originated in the extreme idle personality of Narcissus from ancient Greek history) also are both used. In the case of NPD there is an unhealthy self-love involved that even can grow into megalomaniac fantasies with an extreme wish of being admired. The NPD mostly shows up in the adolescence and causes a deficit in the ability of having compassion with other people. Unfortunately NPD does not disappear during the process of growing up. Some narcissists are also known for continuously pointing their criticism towards others in order to do anything in avoiding criticism towards themselves. In both cases the problem of NPD lies in the way of handling self-love and self-values, although both act different upon these feelings.
In layman’s terms, narcissistic just means you have a swelled head, think too highly of your self, have a massive ego problem, are self-centred, I think you get the nub and thrust.
However, on I will elaborate.
Praising oneself into the sky and feeling important, exaggerating own abilities, so other people see how good he or she is, with loss of reality.
Boom boom boom….. The ‘Signs’
Always engaged with images of the ideal relationship, great success, power and striking with beauty.
Convinced of how unique and special he/she is and convinced that only a very few understand him or her. At preferral these few are people with a certain rank or status which the narcissist would like to belong to.
Demands exaggerated admiration from the environment.
Is willing to use others in order to reach his goal.
Is convinced to be privileged and expecting others always to consider his or her expectations.
A shortness of compassion, because acknowledgement of feelings from other people is not possible for narcistic patients.
haughty attitude and acting.
Is often jealous and thinks other people are jealous at him or her.
Why is this happening to me?? Why me?!?!?!
Assumed is that the development of narcism is mainly originated in the adolescence, partly caused by a lack of compassion from parents and environment. Because they react ad hoc to situations a lack of needed reactions develops in the child, which results in a shattered self-image. Often is directed to the similarities with the Borderline Personality Disorder, because in both cases a problem with the self-image has arisen. The difference is, that with NPD the personality is misjudged, while with BPD one takes distance from his personality.
Well, you might ask, how can I treat this?
The most support seems to exist for a psychotherapeutic treatment, in which it is very important that the therapist is capable of entering into the patient’s feelings. In the case of the NPD-patient this is very depending on his image of the therapist and it is therefore sometimes needed to change therapists for a few times, until somebody is found that is accepted by the patient and who gets access to his world and where the patient has the feeling of being understood.
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Mack59
Ah well. The optimist in me had hoped that after nearly half a year, my ex might have stumbled onto some insight somewhere — but noooooo…
He’s just turned up again, trying to hoodwink the girl he cheated on me with. I had told her he’d come back and to prepare herself for his randomness, but because of how awful he was when they busted up I don’t think she believed me. I was right though! I have advised her against playing his games especially because he’s so charming, and though I can’t force her to take the advice, I really hope she does. He’s already shown us who he is, and to his shame he doesn’t seem to have changed. That doesn’t bode well; it really doesn’t & I just hope she doesn’t get hurt again.
Must admit I very recently fantasized about mature reconciliation with him — not in the sense of “being friends again,” but in the sense of “confront his falsehood, rebuke him, and wish him well with his new, better habits” — but that’s so obviously not gonna happen this year, lol!
I know Dr. Carver’s position on this, but something in my spirit says that even this sort of person can change if they really, really want to — yet most don’t and won’t because they choose to keep doing all the garbage they’ve always done and gotten away with… As far as I can see habits are habits until they’re broken by choice or necessity; they’re not inevitable. So it’s kinda sad that these are the choices that my ex is still making. I’m not making them for myself, though, and I would strongly, strongly counsel anybody else against them. It’s just too expensive.
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58
Hi Bill:
Just dropped in for a moment. The Ask the Psychologist project is keeping me pretty busy. Your ex-loser is a classic. I think she wants to nail you on the back-burner…just in case she needs something. The invitation to drive her with the new girlfriend is also classic. Keep in mind, the only things that swim with Sharks are other Sharks. Healthy, moral folks have a hard time being friends with a personality disorder and for that reason, that type of an arrangement is often a set-up. Again…no contact is the best and only effective way of dealing with Losers, Abusers and Controllers in our lives. Dr. Carver
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Julie57
Hi Everyone,
Im in the process now of divorcing my loser. I left him when our son was 5 months old, he is now almost 3. To make a long story and series of nonsense after nonsense short, He recently started a visitation order and I endlessly worry for our sons mental health. Is there anything that I should know, for the future, to counteract the lies and manupalation that our son will be exposed to while in his fathers care. I know he is not even 3 yet, but time does fly, and I do worry about brainwashing.
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bill smith56
Hello everyone. I received a voice mail from my ex-loser indicating that she is dating someone new. Good! That is what I hoped for…she found a new victim..with money…on an internet dating site. She found her new slot machine….I am hoping he pays off in some way. I am officially on back burner. It is interesting that even though she tells me that she is dating someone….she stated on the voice mail of her request to see if I would be interested in giving she and her new ‘girlfriend’ a ride to a club Friday night….and stated that she considered me as a best friend…indicated that she desired to continue a friendship with me. I believe that she believes that I was a good friend to her. Yes that is true…I was. However when the twisted up thinking and covert manipulation started…the mean cycle…I detached and will continue no contact. It is my belief that this is another “creative” strategy to get me back in her life. I know that she has several personality disorders. So, she is trying to keep me…even though she found a new slot machine….maybe she is waiting to see if he will pay off before she cuts me out completely??
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55
[...] recommend reading the Loser and Stockholm Syndrome discussion groups available on this website (here for the latest thread on losers, and here for Stockholm Syndrome). What started as a small [...]
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Skyla54
Jewels,
Think about what you just said!. You are saying you both love each other very much, yet he held a knife to your throat in front of your kids!!. That is not LOVE I’m sorry. I think you need some distance between yourselves, before he ends up hurting you or your kids. This is not a mentally healthy man, and I think there is a lot more to his problems than just alcohol.
I would be getting counselling for yourself asap. You need to see how wrong this is, and that it is a dangerous unhealthy relationship. Love NEVER involves abuse jewels not ever.
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Jewels53
I have been very in love with the same person for almost 20 years!!!! We dated for about 3 years before we broke it off because of physical abuse but also extreme jealousy on my part. I have been in two long term relationships since and both ended because “watch out for Cam, she’ll never be over him” Every one was right. I personally thought I was over our relationship, but apparently I wasn’t. In October of 2003 he started calling and by Jan 2004 we were dating!!! Wow my “soul mate” is back….it must be meant to be….Things went from great, I want to spent every second with you in a romatic way to him holding a knife to my throat while the kids were awake!!!! We are now apart and I have put my belongings in storage and am living with my parents(humiliating). I still love him more than ever and think that if we could just get rid of the alchohol in our relationship it would be PERFECT!!! We love each other very much!!!!!!!!!How do we get past this “destructive” point? He is facing a felony warrant due to the fact that I called the police after that last incident…He jumped the fence and ran…please…all feedback is welcome…I NEED feedback!!!
thanks
Jewels
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52
Connie,
That explains it! Now imagine what you told me just now, and for me it involves a marriage of 31 years, same M.O.He has learned to do what it takes to get by, as far as my family goes, but likes none of my friends. Now that my/our kids are grown, he is desperately trying to control me by manipulating comments, insulting me, and criticizing, accusing me of being with other men, etc. Baffling!How can I not know this man?
He hides and dwells in what I called the dungeon. Only comes to the “doorway” to venture a brief interchange, utilizing endless cliche`s, meaningless, repetitious complaints about co-workers, etc
I mentioned in posts prior, that he has a documented diagnosis of Paranoid Schizophrenia, which I found out about on July 3 when I found his report in our file cabinet.
I will be asking my counselor some questions.
1)Does his diagnosis relieve him of the responsibility of his immorality?
2)If/when he does commit a crime,say of serious nature, could his diagnosis be used by him to escape punishment?
I live with this man, he does not yell. He does not raise a fist. But he has quietly gone out back to destroy furniture, or other items when angry, all without uttering a sound.
My leaving, eventually, will be a finality. I have been going over the years we’ve been together and raised the kids, and all the good and tough things we’ve been through.
I have not one regret for my part.
I have thoroughly enjoyed being a mother, and the kids and I maintain close ties, and see each other every week. I also enjoyed being HIS wife, for what I did know about him. I love what I did know. I certainly made the most of my relationship to him, again, I’m sorry he is not able to enjoy that emotional connection. Hhe can take me or let me go, in his own thinking, and for a time he did prefer some other woman/women.
He told me the day after our 31st anniv. that he thinks if I stayed with him that we could be okay together. I didn’t reply at the time. Nevertheless it wouldn’t have mattered if I did, because in his own mind he is settled on me being here…….for now.
My reason for going for a health degree originally, was due to the likelihood of his being put on disability for his physical health issues. I wanted to be prepared for when that happens.
All this was in good faith and with good intentions.School plans haven’t changed but the actual motivating factors have changed, to stay in shcol.
If he destroys any personal property, I’m to call the police, If he threatens me, same thing.
I need money and a place to go if that happens sooner or later, so I’m a looking.Hopefully the eggshell thing won’t affect me. but I am already wary of his darting mood.
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Colleen L51
And Mary….Just an FYI…..my ex was on dating sites within 3 days of this happening. I was crushed but…it’s been a few weeks now and the days are getting slowly better. I don’t want to see him, hear from him or hear from someone what he’s doing. He lives only about 8 blocks from me and I get very anxious when I have to go out and about….just can’t bear the thought of running into him or even worse, running into him with another woman.
I’ve got a long road here but I’m going to make it and come out better on the other end!!!I’m determined!
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