Comments on “More on Relationship Losers, Abusers, Manipulators and Controllers”
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218 Responses to “More on Relationship Losers, Abusers, Manipulators and Controllers”
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Skyla30
Thanks Dr Carver. It all becomes a bit mind boggling after a while!.
Bill, if I were you I would change all of your phone numbers (and email if needed) and just drop off the face of the earth. Get the new numbers unlisted (made private). If you can’t do that then ask your phone company to block all of her numbers for you.
You have the power to get your ex out of your life easily, as you have no children with her. Life would be so much better for you without her in it..
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Bill Smith29
Hello everyone,
The drama continues in the life of my ex-loser. Today I get a voice mail saying that her now ex-boyfriend of four weeks was calling her and harassing her even at work. My ex-loser stated that I should not get involved she just wanted to tell me. Yes to let me know she is available and to feel sorry for her?
The stories keep coming. All of it is probably all lies anyway. And even if the stories are true she created her own problem. I am out of the drama. I worry now that she broke up with loser boyfriend for good that she will step things up to Want to return to using me. I have a system set up to filter calls, texts, email from her so that she will never get me ‘live’. And I know that is what she wants to catch me off guard. The dishonesty is pathological. I have never even treated a person this sick in my seventeen years of practice. -
Bill Smith28
Dr carver Thank you again for your insight on the issue.yes it will be interesting to see what approach is taken. I am thinking that even if the ex loser makes an offer that she thinks is attractive to me like the counseling….she would never follow through anyway. It is just lip service. Like the sex for example. In the past she would talk about wanting it…..but in practice I believe she could do without it. In fact she said that sex and imtimacy is overrated. That there are more important things in relationships. Yes like manipulating to get money and things and control. I can remember a time when she said if you ask me to kiss you….I won’t at all. You don’t own me, or ask me to do anything. If I want to do something I will and if I don’t I won’t. She also didn’t like to be confronted on her dishonesty and always twisted it around and denied and blamed…took focus off herself and onto something else. Plus with my ex loser I think she dissociated at times. And had a couple different pseudopersonalities. All very interesting looking back on this case. When we had sex (infrequently)
It was impulsive on her part and only to please her. I have my protective devices in place. We will see what she comes up with next. Thanks again. -
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Dear Bill, What a classic comment “I can’t figure you out”. Losers and Abusers don’t think or feel at all like healthy folks. They don’t understand that love, kindness, empathy, compassion, or generosity can be a motivation to do something. Personality disorders operate in the “It’s All About Me” mode and have difficulty with motivations other than greed, manipulation, power, control, intimidation, personal need, and selfishness.
You’ll find her strategy changing several times. She’s exploring to see if anything works. Keep the slot machine unplugged. Don’t be surprised if she needs travel money to visit her dying grandmother in Denver. I’m currently working with a young antisocial who has claimed his grandmother has died four times as his excuse for misbehavior. She called me yesterday. I had to sadly tell her he hasn’t made much progress.
As you point out, Losers and Abusers have no difficulty ruining or destroying careers, finances, property, or the health of their victims. When the victim can no longer meet their demands, they quickly move on.
It will be interesting to see what her next approach will be. Dr. Carver
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Bill Smith26
Thank you again Dr Carver. Today I get a call on voice mail from ex-loser asking to borrow $100. The only reason she wants me in her life is to control, manipulate, and con to obtain cash. Just like a month ago. Now that loser boyfriend didn’t work out she is back attempting to get back with me. She stated things will be different…”I will be more attentive to your needs”.(meaning sex) she is a very sick individual. Every word she speaks is a lie. Trusting someone like this is dangerous. I think she would prostitute herself for cash, Ruin someones career, and in my case she has stolen from me.
I am convinced that these people do not care at all….except caring about getting what they want…and manipulating to get it. I said one time…I don’t give you anything because you want or need it. I give it because I want to give. She said to me “I can’t figure you out”.
I suppose she couldn’t relate to that statement. -
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Thanks Bill: Losers and Abusers ALWAYS view previous victims as on “back burner”. They have no remorse, guilt, or even concern about how they treated you in the past - so they have no problem contacting the victim again.
In the new contact however, you’ll always find a new strategy, often a 3-prong assault. First, that new strategy involves a “new” reason for their abusive behavior - “I was abused”, “I’ve found I have a mystery disorder”, “I was drinking too much”, etc. Second, the “new” reason is followed by a promise to fix it - going to therapy, seeing a specialist, returning to church, etc. Lastly, there is an assurance that their abusive behavior will be cured because of #1 & #2 and they will be a new person.
I continue to emphasize a NO CONTACT approach. There are times when, after we recover from a relationship with a Loser/Abuser, we feel pretty confident and self-assured again. Like Bill’s return of the Loser, we begin feeling we can now drop the NO CONTACT approach because we can handle them now. This is exactly what the Loser/Abuser wants you to feel. You probably had good self-esteem when they first met you and that didn’t protect you. A Loser/Abuser can damage you at all levels of self-esteem. As Mary points out, you can be a psychologist or any type of trained professional yet still be vunerable to the manipulations. In my career, I’ve seen rich/poor, doctors, nurses, engineers, ministers, lawyers, etc. become victims. Remember that a con-artist actually uses your illusion that you know what’s going on to scam you. In recent news, a psychiatrist fell for the Nigerian Email Scam and lost all his savings.
You can’t play with Losers and Abusers. They behave like this as a lifestyle. They always have home-court advantage plus they make up the rules as needed. NO CONTACT is your only winning strategy. Dr. Carver
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Bill,
Thanks for the comments on your experience. See even we who’ve spent time helping others are vulnerable to loser types, probably because we do live and love on the edge.And now that my DLH seems to behave as if in “remission” he is storing up ammo for when his physician or the psych intervenes. “See, I’ve been good!” If an intervention of some sort happened before an episode, it wouldn’t mean much,given his profile. However for me to wait around while he works up to the real McCoy is not in keeping with my sense of dignity.
Be good but get on meds so that true remission can be attained, before it’s too late, is my thought.
I must think practically, not emotionally. What can I handle? Answer: Not much right now. That’s enough for me.This path for him is the one of his choosing whether he gets help or not. It would certainly be to his benefit to get help.
I’m getting help just for myself, as I’ve got pieces of me scattered throughout 30 years of marriage to collect, sort out and put back together. Man, my nerves are about shot.
I’m allowing distance which has existed between us, come to the forefront now. It’s simple,I just stop filling in all the empty spaces with needless talk to soothe our collective insecurities.
The manipulation will start up again,I presume, because the usual isn’t working now.
My friend called me today and she knows my situation but is not educated in this particular field. She said to me, “But you’ve been living with it for so long.” In other words why change? If I’ve lived with it this long, why should I upset the apple cart now, by leaving………..
1) I am living minute to minute. I’m not leaving, this minute. I’m looking for work this minute.
When/if I feel that leaving before or after I get work is the thing to do to retain a measure of ’sanity’ then so be it.
2) Therapy, therapy,therapy until whenever, for me. -
Bill Smith23
Hello
My ex-loser stated in a voice mail that she would go to a therapist of my choosing. Stated that she was molested as a child.
She knows what I want to hear. Stated being sorry for being with another man for a month recently.
This ex loser is totally dishonest. Apparently Not even her new loser guy could tolerate her psychopathology and games.she stated they broke up. I have to be careful and resist the temptation to psychologically play with this ex-loser. Having a degree in psychology and now understanding her behavior and being detached for three weeks I plan to ignore the voice mail. Although part of me wants to see her once and watch her when her manipulations do not work on me anymore. I know I have to let this go and continue to detach. She would love it for me to break the silence….then she would think she had control…and succeeded in manipulating me to see her. -
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Dear Skyla: Difference between a psychopath and sociopath? Excellent question! Psychopathic Personality was the first diagnosis used as a “personality disorder” in psychiatry. It was used to diagnosis criminals and others with no conscious, remorse, or morals. With the nature vs nurture arguement in psychology and social work, the term sociopath emerged. As your fellow psych students suggest, a sociopath was used to describe a person who has situational morality and can have friends, loyality, and appear more normal in the culture yet have aspects of his/her life that have no conscious, no remorse and are very criminal. They often use organized crime as an example, being family-oriented yet having no problems with extortion, crime, murder, etc. We often encounter “corporate sociopaths” who do anything needed to further their personal and business aims - some of whom receive jail time for their efforts.
Psychiatry lumps them both into Antisocial Personality and sociopaths and psychopaths have many characteristics they share. It’s often helpful to imagine them on a scale with a selfish petty thief at the low end and a serial killer like Ted Bundy (psychopath) at the top. Along that scale you find criminals, conartists, abusers, socially irresponsible adults, drug dealers, etc. ALL of these folks use manipulation, intimidate of some kind, abuse, a lack of empathy for others, narcissistic thinking, and a belief that they are above the law and morals of society.
My article on Losers is based on the characteristics of four personality disorders including Antisocial, Borderline, Narcissistic, and Histrionic. I tried to identify how those personality disorders would first show themselves in a relationship, thus allowing people to identify them quickly and avoid emotional and social damage.
Dr. Carver
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Bonnie Connor21
Dr. Carver,
Thank you for your input. My previous relationship was very loving and committed but after six years of trying to have a child and multiple miscarriges, we parted ways over the issue of adoption. I wanted to, he wouldn’t even consider it. So, I see why “Mr. Right” fell into my lap with his promises etc. I now see (I think) that this is terrible for me and I want to escape but he seems to have a “second” sense about how I’m feeling..He called me today again and left a second message, saying how great he thinks I am and how much he loves me etc…He is supposed to go away to visit his parents for 10 days, in a week or so. But feeling this way, I don’t know how to play along until he leaves.. He’s so intense and aggressive now, and I’m feeling qite vulnerable My gut tells me that it would be better to wait until he goes. I’ll have to think of something but it helps to hear other people’s stories and supportive suggestions.
Thanks again,
Bonnie
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