Comments on “More on Relationship Losers, Abusers, Manipulators and Controllers”
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218 Responses to “More on Relationship Losers, Abusers, Manipulators and Controllers”
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Michael210
WOW. My ex is pretty much everything profiled in the loser set. She’s diagnosed borderline and bipolar. All of which happened in the course of our on-and-off six year relationship.
Dr. Carver - need your help. Recently, my ‘loser’ gave me a deadline/ultimatim to get a platonic friend out of my life, or we’re done. Right up until this date, she was talking about proposing to me, etc. The date came and went, I didn’t ice this dear friend, and within three days; she’s dating a new guy. Within three weeks, he moved in with her. Within five weeks total, they’re engaged! I’m dying inside! I can’t stop thinking and obsessing over it. She was ‘broken’ all this time with me, and now, she’s the ‘fixed’ person I’d been waiting to see all this time - but for someone else! I can’t fight the feeling that it was ME that was the problem… why not? It seems to be working okay with him. They’ve been together for going on three months now. She was calling me here and there for the first two months or so… just ’seeing if I was okay’. About a month ago, I actually went to her, proposed to her, begged her to come back. No dice. Since then, she’s cut me out completely… saying I was ‘coming between her and her fiance’.
HELP! Will this rebound relationship last? Their wedding date isn’t for another year and a half yet. It’s killing me that she’s being the ‘her’ I fell in love with (and yes… she moved in within four weeks, we were shopping for rings within six) with someone else. I’m seeing a counsellor… have been for the past year. I was ready to move on, but somehow, the fact that she’s ENGAGED to another guy already won’t let me. I feel like I threw away a toy that was broken, and someone else picked it out of the trash and made it work. I’ve been ‘if only’ing myself to death. It kills me that she’s totally and completely ‘turned me off’ in her life.
I want her back so bad… I feel like I never really tried to make it work after all the bad stuff started happening. She says it all happened because I started treating her different (when all of the arguments over stupid little things started happening). I’m racked with guilt and jealousy, and it’s a constant preoccupying thought. I want them to end… if it works between them, then it just proves that it was ME that was the ‘problem’. If she can make it work with him, then it was ME.- Michael
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Mack209
Yes, Morris, that’s exactly what I was talking about. Work on you: you deserve good treatment and you might as well start getting it by giving it to yourself!
RMB, I think you’re probably right in saying that this relationship is your trigger. I know I can understand the dread cycle this kind of situation can easily bind you into. I also know the British winter isn’t the friendliest in the world; when I’m there it makes me want to just curl up in a ball and sleep my way through! Yet maybe — just maybe — a wise though tired bear can use this winter to plan for spring?
We’re rooting for ya!
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Morris208
Hello Mack,
Thanks for the feedback. I see where you are coming from. In the past 6 months or so, I have become less and less attractive to my wife by standing up for myself more and more.I have been to a few lawyers. When I went to my 1st lawyer, I had just started therapy. She advised me to continue my course of action; this meant continue the therapy, start getting out with my outdoors group, don’t cut myself off from friends and family, go to work functions (these are usually project get togethers without spouses) and exercise. She told me that if I do all of this, and there is nothing wrong with this, that my decision would become clear.
I can now understand what she means but have also paid a “price” for my dignity and freedom. When I went hiking for the 1st time, a terrible fight. Still, once I asserted my boundaries, my wife tested them but let me go. The same thing happened with after work functions and other activities. No, this was not every day, at most once a week; I was available to my new family at least 6 days a week.
About this time we started couples counselling, this was my idea and it was like pulling teeth to get my wife to go. At one point she told the counsellor that I was not the same person (not as attractive) she married. I was not giving in on everything like before.
RMB,
It sounds like you have a lot of strength and fortitude, still, you started to drink; like I said before, I had my tranks.Mack is correct in that we should make ourselves less attractive to our “significant others”; still, do it constructively. I did healthy activities that took me away from my wife’s control, therefore, I was no longer the same man she married. I was less attractive and getting more so.
All,
Thanks for your contributions and advise; I am slowly getting myself out of this situation. Like my lawyer said, things will become clearer. By doing the things that I enjoy, healthy activities and seeing my wife’s reactions; I am slowly realizing that unless my wife miraculously changes, then there is only one choice. -
RMB207
Hi Mack
I have come to the conclusion that my depression is almost exclusively due to this terrible relationship. I have not hidden my depression from my girlfriend but when she quizzes me on what I think the reasons are for my depression, I just say “I don’t know”. I am terrified of what might happen if I said I thought she was even partly to blame. The lie you mentioned “it’s not you, it’s me” is almost a mantra for me now, but I don’t see it as a positive thing, I say it to keep her happy because my world becomes a dark place when she is NOT happy.
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Mack206
Hey guys — RMB & Morris in particular — is there no way you think you can make yourself look unattractive to your partners? You’re still attractive to them right now which is probably one reason they’re still around and sucking the life out of you. When I say attractive, I don’t mean physically; I just mean “ripe for targeting”: you’re still solvent, bringing in money for them to live off, engaging them in conversation, supplying their other needs… in other words you’re still feeding them & serving their purposes.
So… is there any way for you to make yourselves seem less attractive to these awful people? I think it was Morris who said he’s been shielding his partner from his depression. But who does that actually serve, Morris? You, or her? Why shouldn’t she think you’re depressed? If you’re depressed you won’t be able to play all of the games she wants to. You’ll have an objective reason to be tired and possibly less interested in stroking her ego, to complain (formerly her exclusive domain), and, eventually, to become a complete bore to her. Meanwhile you would be able to focus your attention on healing yourself and preparing yourself for the break, and the hope would be that she would eventually seek out someone else who wasn’t quite so dull, and leave you well alone.
I’m beginning to think that “It’s not you; it’s me” is a justifiable lie in these cases. -
Morris205
Hi RMB,
If it’s any conciliation, I have had my share of episodes of depression. As you can ascertain, my wife is very controlling and quite frankly, has no trust in me. I sometimes take tranquillizers to get me through some rough patches. What I have found about anti-depressants is that it is more about cause and effect.Perhaps your depression is being brought about by your relationship with your girlfriend. When I went to my doctor about my depression, he told me what I already know; if the marriage improves, no depression, if the marriage stays or gets worse, like mine, then the anti-depressants really won’t work.
Remember my lady friend, the one with the 20 year abusive marriage? She told me that afterwards, she was such a wreck that she started the day by drinking a bottle of wine; that was 15 years ago; today she is very outgoing and enjoys a very healthy life style.
Me, I was tempted to start drinking in front of my wife; one of her ex-husbands was “supposedly” an alcoholic. I take the tranks instead; I don’t let her know about them, she gets very defensive about it and wants to know why I am depressed, is she the cause, who is my doctor, etc. etc.
I am glad that you work for an understanding company. Like many of you, I have a demanding job with a lot of stress. Fortunately, through work, I get access to psychologists; this is a great help with my present situation. My department head was concerned about me when he saw me at work late and on weekends; I told him my situation, fortunately, he understands. Some mornings I barely make it into work, today was no exception, another terrible fight with the wife; let’s just say one of my friends sent me a “picture site” to cheer me up, guess who forgot to clear the history… No matter, my work is still good; the big boss told me that when my time is right, let him know and I will take a “vacation”.
Your girlfriend like my wife “supposedly” gave up something to be with us. Ask yourself this: Is your depression caused by your relationship? I can understand your guilt; I have it now and also had it in my 1st marriage. Your girlfriend’s financial help is no excuse for the abuse; don’t feel guilty, you can always pay her support; the courts may mandate that anyway!
After last night, I put in call to my lawyer to see how the paperwork was going; let’s just say that my own guilt is keeping me in the marriage, still, I want to be prepared. After a year of groundless accusations about ogling, secret web sites, potential affairs with plutonic female friends, my wife finally got me last night! It looks like she will not go away to her homeland this X-Mas; will probably stay put and keep an eye on me…
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RMB204
Hi Morris
Hope you enjoyed your skiing trip, sounds fantastic! You asked why I think I stay in this situation, well I think guilt has a lot to do with it. When I first started getting feelings of being trapped, I dealt with it in entirely the wrong way, drinking my way into oblivion, sometimes spending days away from home and running up large debts in the process. I was diagnosed with depression and I spent several months off work. My employer has been very understanding and I am back in work now but the financial situation is still difficult which is entirely my fault. My girlfriend has stayed with me through all of this and I feel that maybe I owe her. She had savings which are now all gone and she gave up her own home to move in with me so a break up would hit her hard.
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Morris203
Hi RMB,
While I understand that all of us have very similar issues, your situation closely mirrors mine.I did correspond with someone from the UK with similar issues; he also inferred that getting professional help was difficult.
I don’t know if this will help you at all. This is my 2nd marriage, my 2nd abusive marriage. In my 1st marriage, I waited for close to 3 years before I filed the divorce papers. All of us that have or still are involved in abusive relationships hung in or still are hanging in for one reason or another. To be frank, I knew that it was over after a year; family counseling was of no help, we were both out of work and everything that was happening was my fault. I hung in there for 2 years hoping the situation would improve; it did financially for me but the marriage was still bad. I paid the price in alimony.
I realize that we all are unique and that you, like me and everyone else have our reasons for still being involved in our situations. In my present case, my wife moved from her home city and brought her son into the picture; I am trying to resolve the guilt issue. Also, my fear is being taken to the cleaners in court; much of this has been resolved of late.
One of the reasons why I am on this site to help understand myself better. Why am I having problems “pulling the trigger” in an obviously terrible situation? I have no kids and the marriage is short. Yes, it would be difficult for me to find temporary accomodations, still very doable though.
If it is any consulation, if and when you do decide, you are not married (probably no alimony) and no children. I realize that you have a very emotional situation and love your girl friend. One of the things that has helped me is putting things in perspective; my lawyer and psychologist have helped in this respect. Albeit I am still suffering, I am coming to grips that no one will be left behind so to speak.
All,
I have a good friend, a lady (most of my support group are women) that was in an abusive marriage for 20 years; she has 3 children. She said that she had to stay because of the children. My case is not nearly as complex in that the marriage is shorter, less than 2 years and the child is hers.My friend never divorced her abuser, rather he divorced my friend after 20 years and left her with little means and custody. Those of you out there with children; my friend told me that her worst fears came to fruition. She was totally broken when the divorce was final. Still, she is now a whole and very strong individual; kids all grown up and independant. There is hope for those of you out there with kids.
Yesterday, I had another terrible fight with my wife; the honeymoon cycle lasted about 3 weeks, a new record in futility. Of late, I would leave my home and give her time to cool; unfortunately, yesterday, I got caught up in the yelling and screaming. You may ask why we fought? My answer is that it was my wife’s time; she was feeling angry and frustrated about a lot of things and needed to take this out on me and her son. Briefly, she was angry about “helping” her family back in Asia and that “we” are paying the financial price. I think she was also angry that I went out cross country skiing with my group on Saturday. In a nutshell, my wife is spending way too much and on things that her family back home does not need, she is also angry over my growing independence from her.
Well, time to go “home” and face the music. Yes, I am at work where she can’t get at my E-mails. I hope that I will have the strength and pull the trigger; my friend is telling me to stop feeling sorry for myself and get on with my life.
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RMB202
Thankyou all for your support. I’ve not been able to reply for a few days for the reason already mentioned - I would be petrified to visit this site at home so I have to wait until I’m at work! I’m afraid I’ve not had a very good weekend, my girlfriend gets very stressed at Christmas time and she passes a good chunk of this on to me.
Morris,
You are right, we are not married and have no children and it should stay that way (it’s not like we make love all that often anyway). Seeing a psychologist is something I have investigated but I’m afraid it is something of a forlorn hope. I live in the UK and while the National Health Service is great for some things it is completely lousy for mental health provision. My doctor actually laughed when I suggested trying to see a psychologist. I think you have to be a danger to others before you can get this kind of care.
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Morris201
All,
What I really like about this site is that it is not gender specific; whether we are men or women, the abuse cuts us all the same. This is by far the best site I have found for “talking” with like personalities.Debbie,
Excellent advise about the computer; it should come as no surprise that my wife “insisted” on my pass codes to my “personal” E-mail accounts shortly after we were married, that is why I am using my work computer now!RMB,
It takes time to do what you need to do. In my case, I have been with my wife for almost 2 years. I am still trying to resolve the emotional issues of making the split. In the meanwhile, I am learning to stand up for myself; it has taken 6 months but regardless of what happens with my marriage, I can carry these “skills” onward in my personal and professional life.I believe that you are not “married” and have no children. KEEP IT THAT WAY!! At least keep it that way unless your girl friend recognizes her issues and seeks professional help.
I highly recommend that you see a professional; make some calls, perhaps there are organizations that sponsor free psychologists, psychiatrists or social workers.
I realize that your situation is tough, still, open up to your mother as much as you feel comfortable with. It may seem hard, but give your old friends a call. You will be surprised as to how much support they will be glad to lend.
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