Comments on “More on Relationship Losers, Abusers, Manipulators and Controllers”
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218 Responses to “More on Relationship Losers, Abusers, Manipulators and Controllers”
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Mack190
RMB — we’re listening. :-)
Nobody here would call you pathetic. And you’re not “supposed to be a man”; you are one. You’re just trapped right now. You said your girlfriend hasn’t been physically violent [yet] — but she clearly doesn’t have to be: you said she has a horrific temper and already gets her needs met by swinging her moods around like a club. It’s violence, RMB, just of a different kind, and it not only controlled your behavior so far but also made you as you said frightened. JMO: that’s not cool at all.I know the property question looks like a huge obstacle to you right now, but I think the older/wiser folks here might be able to give you some suggestions about how to think that out carefully and quietly, based on how you plan to handle the relationship itself.
You’re among friends here. Stick around for a while.
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RMB189
Hello
I hope I can get this message across without sounding confused but I am terribly, terribly mixed up at the moment. My girlfriend ticks a few of the “loser” boxes but not all but I am not concerned with labels, I’m not happy and I want to do something about it!
We first met about 6 years ago but did not keep in touch. We met again by chance about a year later: this seemed like fate and we quickly started a relationship. She was then (and still can be) totally lovely, thoughtful, caring. We quickly fell in love although she declared this very early in the relationship (one of the warning signs I notice) when I wasn’t totally comfortable with it. I felt I had to do the same so as not to let her down (I feel this is my problem rather than hers).
I was genuinely happy that I seemed to have found someone so right but there were other things I look back on now as warning signs. We originally lived around 10 miles apart and neither of us have cars which meant 2 bus trips. In all the time we lived apart she never travelled to see me, it was always me who went to her. I used to love going out for meals/drinks but I can count on my hands the number of times we have had an evening out together, she has always made it pretty clear she prefers to stay in (although she sometimes goes out with her sister with me baby-sitting her nephew).
When we came to buy a house a couple of years ago, we of course ended up near her family and miles from my family and friends - I still see my mother every now and then but I have not seen any of my old friends for a long time. I feel guilty about going to see my mother and have to make the visits brief.
When things are going her way, she is delightful company, kind and loving, but when something seemingly trivial goes wrong her mood changes horribly and I honestly get quite frightened (although she has never been violent with me). I therefore am constantly walking on eggshells and I am terrified of doing or saying a range of things in case I don’t get them quite right.
To be honest I am really miserable and I long to be on my own (I love finding excuses to be alone but have to try not to make it too obvious) but I do not know how to escape. She gave up her own home to move in with me and I know she will see this as me kicking her out on the street. I have no desire to stay in this house with or without her. I pay for the house (she has not worked, except for a few days, since we started the relationship) and I am almost tempted to carry on paying for her to stay there alone just to get away without too bad a sting of her anger. Even talking about saying something like this to her brings me out in a cold sweat.
I’m supposed to be a man but you must think I am pathetic, I certainly feel that way. Any comments would be welcomed, just to know someone has heard what I am saying. This is only part of the story, I will try to fill some more in in future posts.
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Morris188
Hi Jen,
I would have to agree with your friends; you are best out of this “relationship” and you may not realize it now, but are fortunate that your ex has found another “victim”. It is time for you to get support from your friends, family and a professional.
Get as much support from your friends and relatives; chances are you have been fairly isolated. If you are not already doing so, see a psychologist or like professional; they will help you see that you deserve better.
My situation is not nearly as terrible as yours was, still, one common theme is that we all deserve to be happy. In time you will realize that you never were in a relationship and deserve better. In the meanwhile, find a professional that you can talk to, someone that will make you realize that you deserve better.
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Jen187
Dr. Carver,
I have been reading your posts for weeks now, not sure if I should post. I am emotionally drained, but feel like I am out of options and respectfully request your advice.I was involved with someone for over 5 years. He will tell you that I was never his “girlfriend”, but he moved into my condo 2 weeks after I closed on it; looked to me to provide for him, his 2 children, his friends and family. Time with my friends and family was non-existent, but he constantly had me around his. I loved him, maybe still do. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do, and haven’t.
Significant amounts of money have been given to him by me. My credit has tanked and there is currently a lien on my mortgage because I wanted to help him out of various child support arrearages and I always wanted him to know that he could count on me ALWAYS. He thanked me, of course, by sleeping with many others, driving them around in my car since he rarely had one of his own, lying to me about everything, calling me awful names and attempting to get me fired from work one time after I called his new “girlfriend” after I found out about her.
We always managed to work things out and he always ended up moving back in here. I got to a point where it didn’t matter where he went at night, as long as he came home to me.
Things ended yesterday because he “formalized” his relationship with a married woman who is leaving her husband for him. I am crushed and I can’t figure out why. He is unemployed, convicted felon for selling drugs, just spent the other night in jail because his ex took him back to court for not paying his child support in 4 years and he must have been lying for 5 years every time he told me how much he loved me, I was his best friend and in the end, he would probably end up with me.
I held on to hope that he would realize how much I loved him and return those feelings. I wish this pain would just go away and I wish I could hate him and turn my back on him. To be honest, the only reason I haven’t spoken to him since accepting his 5 collect calls from jail the other night is because HE is angry with me (I shut off his cell phone which was in my name after I realized this new “girlfriend” was in court with him and had the phone). He doesn’t want me. He replaced me. I was the one he always counted on when chips were low. I made everything better for him - always and now, someone else is playing that role.
Everyone tells me better her than me, but I don’t feel that way. I know it’s silly and outright insane for me to still feel bad that I’m not good enough for even a “loser” like him. My anxiety is high and my sadness feels like it’s never going to go away. I know it will. He and I have been down this road before - the longest time apart was 4 months about 3 years ago. I want to get strong. I want to believe that he is bad for me and is not capable of ever loving anyone. I don’t want to take it personal anymore, but I have no idea where to start.
Apologize for the long post, but once I started, I couldn’t stop. Any thoughts/advice?
Thank you, in advance.
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Maureen186
I am the mother (who raised her two girls alone since their father’s death 19 years ago) of a young daughter (now 22) who recently married a “loser”. Her sister (who is younger than she) and I had tried to warn her of the dangers, but she refused to listen. (She has been hooked on listening to her current friends before her family for advice since she was about 9.)
She has now given up her family, her religion and her financial stability to be with this guy (who is three years her junior). Worse than that, his mother, with whom they now live, is just like him. I’ve put up with verbal abuse and manipulation from both my daughter (who has already left him once when he became violent (threw her cell phone through the window at her and punched two holes in the wall) and beligerent (refused to empty his cat’s litter box or get a job) while she was pregnant), him and his mother.
I finally have had to stop talking to her because she refuses to listen to anything I say - realted to him or not. Our relationship is very strained. Her sister and husband, also, refuse to allow this guy in their home. But my own sister and mother keep pressuring us with subtle “guilt trips” (which I will not take) to “be the adult” and “keep in communication” with her. Hard to do when we, who live in the same state as my oldest, have to walk on eggshells whenever she’s around.
I know she’s been trying to seek a replacement for her dead da she never knew. And this guy physically fits that description. But he’s a far cry from her dad. For years, and with counseling, I tried to get her emotionally away from her dependence on the “Oh you poor thing!” syndrome whenever someone found out her dad died. She became hooked on that emotional drug, and it has escalated to this.
What advice do you have for my youngest daughter, her husband and I - especially since the holidays are adding to the strain of this relationship? And how can I get my mom and sister to stop badgering me about “being the adult”? Telling them I will no longer talk to them about it isn’t working…boundaries aren’t respected in my family where problems of this nature exist.
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Jim185
Dr. Carver,
I am just out of a relationship with a loser. Your website has allowed me a sense of peace, understanding and solace. I know that i am doing the right thing by ending it. However, I think that I am a loser too. My whole life, I have rushed into my relationships very quickly, seeking to fill a hole in my heart. I felt lonely and unworthy all the time. However, when my nephew was born, I asked myself what kind of uncle would I be? I decided then to change my life and break from this cycle. I started a career, went back to school and got my degree, and sword off serious relationships until I was done, knowing how my past relationships had all consumed me with obsession over the idea of my ex, even after it was over. I even stalked them after it was over because I could not believe it was, I had to see for myself. I had such a distrust in those I let close to myself, I was so scared of being hurt that I wanted full control. I felt like nothing was my fault and but I was so miserable. Anyway, I don’t know how I got out of it, I think I still have some of the problems. I am actively involved with a therapist, 12 sstep program, book reading and newsgroups (yours being one). So, as a (hopefully) recovering loser, I became involved in a relationship with a full-blown loser. She had a string of 3 ex husbands, many more fiance’s and bounces from one relationship to another. She is one of the most beautiful girls I have ever met and can seem so sweet and endearing when you first meet her. But she is one of the most manipulative, lying, deceitful women I have ever met. My question is, when one person is the loser and the other the abused, the line is easily(?) drawn. But what is the dynamic between two losers who get involved in a relationship? I am lucky in that I finally drew a line that I would not tolerate from her and escaped. I am still escaping but I wonder about my motivations, am I trying to control her? Am I trying to help her? Am I a loser still or is it just our boundaries were so enmeshed I lost myself in her behavior? Thank you. -
Alika184
Hi Dr. Carver,
Thank you for your insight/advice/foresight. I don’t feel as anxious anymore and I did not respond. I really appreciate all that you are doing for all of us by taking out the time to respond to our posts.
I will be cautious for another lure as you mentioned and will keep you posted.Thanks Debbie for the encouragement. Your friends are right, they would want to see their baby. Don’t let him guilt you and control you with your baby situation. You cannot be held responsible for his choices. I know its easier said then done. I am routing for you.
Thanks again Dr. Carver & Debbie.
Alika
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debbie183
Hi Alika and Doctor Carver
First, thank you for your message doctor carver. I have been having some therapy and she suggested that his refusal to see the baby on my terms is about control as you suggest. She also said to me to talk to your friends and family and what would they say. Of course they all say they would want to see their baby whatever they had to do. Even so it is hard sometimes when I know he is acuusing and blaming me for not seeing his child. He is a beautiful and cheerful baby by the way.
Alika, the message you received sounds very familiar. I had several texts, voicemail and letters telling me this is the last time he is going to contact me. As Doctor carver says this is because none of the things he is trying to do to get your attention is working. Don’t respond. Be strong. Call or text a friend instead!! -
182
Dear Alika: This message tells you that he’s changing fishing lures. The attempts to gain your contact and involvement with the friend’s mother didn’t work as well as he planned. If the fish don’t bite - you gotta change lures. Here comes this message. He’s hoping for a response and what you respond doesn’t really matter. You can be polite, hostile, mean, courteous - it doesn’t matter. Once you’ve responded, in any way, he’ll respond back and the games start again. The “goodbye forever” lure often taps into our normal desire for closure, the have something have a formal end. You’re tempted to offer your own goodbye message - and that’s what he’s counting on. If you send a message back, the slot machine has paid off and he begins fishing more aggressively.
It is a trick. People don’t become spontaneously emotionally sensitive, empathetic, understanding, and apologetic. I recommend NO CONTACT as the only way to prevent what you’ve been through. Keep in mind, if this lure doesn’t get a bite, you’ll get another lure tossed in your direction until he finds another victim/target - then he moves the boat. Stay on course. Dr. Carver
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Alika181
Hi Dr. Carver,
My loser just texted me this, “Just wanted 2 say thanks 4 the good memories n all the time we shared. I’ll never 4 get u! Not wantin 2 cause trouble or drama. Just sayin our paths may meet again 1 day. Till then bye.”
What do you think this means? Is this a trick or do you think he literally means it?
Help! Feeling quite anxious!
Alika
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