Comments on “More on Relationship Losers, Abusers, Manipulators and Controllers”
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218 Responses to “More on Relationship Losers, Abusers, Manipulators and Controllers”
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Mary150
Mack,
Those are quotes I can use right now. I am currently getting my fill of the 30+ years with my husband, who although I have compassion for, I cannot continue to make vulnerable my emotions, etc. to.
My marriage has certainly meant something to me. However the demands to be his comforter in everything, even though he doesn’t get better, has worn me down to almost nothing.So I could use some aloneness right about now. I am definitely considering that reality, as I always was alone in my marriage. He never has been “connected”, just dependent.
Slow Rebirth here.
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149
Dear Mack: After an experience with a Loser/Abuser, everyone replays the mental video of the experience. We see the Loser signs at that point and begin to question our judgment, intuition, and even common sense. That experience gives our self-confidence a beating….but the Loser doesn’t provide all those signs and indicators at once.
In a relationship with a Loser, it’s like receiving one piece of a 500-piece puzzle each day. For the first several months, you have random pieces and can’t see any pattern at all. As time passes you begin to fit a few pieces together to think “Is this a windmill? Might this be a flower?” After many months the picture starts to take shape - then you realize you’re in trouble. Once the relationship ends - you see the entire picture of the puzzle and then know where each piece fits. You then go back and review those earlier pieces, feeling bad that you didn’t see the controlling nature or abusive behavior earlier. It is for this reason that I’ve tried to present the warning signs - saying if you see this puzzle piece or “sign” it’s likely to be an indication of abusive or controlling behavior that will eventually surface. In every situation, the sooner we identify a problem the easier it is to correct.
Great quote from Ronald Mah. Part of the sense of lonliness is the feeling that we are alone in our experience with the Loser, that no one else has this problem and no one else will understand it. As we learn in this discussion group, Losers are located in every country on the globe, leaving victims everywhere. All words of wisdom on this topic are welcome and greatly appreciated. Dr. Carver
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Mack148
Hey guys. I’ve been quiet but I’ve still been keeping up with you guys. For a while things were quiet on this site so I was beginning to think you all were fine and I was the only one with periodic residue, lol. I have my days too.
One of the things I’ve strongly resented about this whole experience is how much it disoriented me and made me question my own intuition. I absolutely hate that, and so that’s one of the things I’m still getting over. Trusting other people has turned out to be pretty easy; it’s trusting myself again that’s hard, and I resent that it’s hard because it never used to be. Yet I didn’t deceive anybody so I “should” be fine; mostly I am, but not entirely, not yet. Any suggestions from the house are welcome.
In the meantime, I hope Dr. Carver doesn’t mind me sharing something I just read from a guy named Ronald Mah: “There will be times when it is best for me to leave or avoid unhealthy people. And I will be alone. When I am alone, I must know that I am still worthy. Then I can learn how to be alone without fearing being lonely. Sometimes when I am alone, I will feel lonely. When I am lonely, I must know how to nurture myself in healthy ways, so that I will not become desperate. For if I become desperate, I cannot endure being alone. And I will settle for relationships with toxic people who will destroy my self-esteem, self-respect, and life. I must learn that I can be alone without being lonely; I can be lonely without being desperate. Then I won’t settle for losers, and I can find dignity and happiness.”
Hope it encourages someone else.
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Alika147
Hello Dr. Carver/ Debbie,
Thank you for your advice and suggestions but most importantly for your encouragement.
I will try and stick to the no contact. I’m feeling better the last few days. I know I’ve come a long way and still have a long way to go until I’m fully recovered, BUT I will try my best to stay strong and move forward.
I will keep you posted on my progress and will re-read your posts as encouragement.
Thank you always.
Alika
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146
Dear Theresa: Your daughter may have a form of Stockholm Syndrome. I’ve written about this syndrome in relationships in my article entitled Love and Stockholm Syndrome. It’s available on this website. We also have a discussion group on the topic. The article provides some insight and guidelines for families. Dr. Carver
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Theresa145
Your article clearly described my 19 year old daughter’s boyfriend. I don’t think he is physically violent, but about 15 of the symptoms were dead on. I read the article to her with no response from her. She thinks we are all wrong about him, but I know he doesn’t have a job, does drugs, and has just failed a drug test for probation. He has cursed at and threatened my dad, cursed at my mom and me. She knows this too. At the moment she has moved back home and sees him a couple of days a week.
My question is how do I help her. She says she loves him and one day he will grow up and they will marry. He is 21. I want to keep the lines open between us, but she won’t let me say anything about him. I feel like she is under a spell and needs to be deprogrammed. How can help her? -
144
Hi ~Moi~ (love that name!): In post 124 I discuss the relationships between Losers and children. Just as Losers aren’t good partners, they aren’t good parents. Losers are too selfish and narcissistic to be good parents. For this reason, following a divorce or breakup, they often begin a process of detaching from their own children, always blaming the other parent for their detachment. Never accepting responsibility for their behaviors, You will be blamed for driving him away. In reality, Losers use visitation as an opportunity to abuse their ex-partner/victim. If that opportunity for abuse isn’t present, they quickly move on, detach from the children, and tell their family it’s your fault, and find another target.
Your child doesn’t need counseling…he needs a healthy and responsible parent - You. As the child grows, he will ask more complicated questions about Dad’s disappearance. Try to be honest with him…but at his age and maturity level. Only answer what is ask…no long discussions. Your child will be fine if you are fine. He can also find male role models in those responsible and healthy males around him - family, friends, new partners, etc. As long as children know and feel loved they tend to do well, despite the personal and family situations present. Hang in there…this is for the best. Dr. Carver
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~Moi~143
The latest from me is that my ex has decided to cut his child out of his life. He is blaming me for it saying I wont let him have a normal relationship with our child. I stood up to myself and said I wouldn’t tolerate his abuse, and we would use a third party at a small cost for pick ups. Well that was it for him, he didn’t want to spend the money and called me childish and told me I need to grow up.
He also refused to supply anything at his house besides food for our child, so no clothes, training pants or anything.
Dr Carver, how can I best explain this situation to my child who is 4?. So far I have said that daddy has gone away for a while. Should I seek counselling for my child?, will he grow up OK without his dad? and how can I make sure he does grow up OK?. I know this is for the best, but I cant help but feel very sad for my child.
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debbie142
Dear Dr Carver and Alika
Alika thank you for your suggestion to ask someone else to read the letters first. I have been posting them through to my neighbour, who reads them first and then looks at them with me. I have handed them to my solicitor. If I wasn’t trying to divorce him I think I would start sending them back to him unopened!
I was going to write and say to you Alika that you don’t need to have any contact with your ex. You aren’t married and there are no children. Take doctor carvers advice and have no contact at all with this man and he will go away. Could you afford to have councelling to boost your selfesteem and reduce your anxiety? Otherwise i have read two good books. I don’t remember the authors but both books are American. One is ‘Women who love too much’ and the other is ‘being happy’.
My ex actually said to me once that all his girlfriends want him back. Why is this? Not because he is nice to be with. I’m sure its because he won’t leave us alone to move on.
Thank you again doctor carver for your comments. Sometimes it feels like one step forward and two steps back, but I know I will get there in the end.
I really value all the support and comments from all of you! -
141
Dear Alika: I use a slot machine analogy in my Loser article. When playing a slot machine, a small payoff is enough to keep you there for an additional ten pulls. As you discovered, picking up the phone just once has resulted in five phone calls and more text messages. This is why I always recommend NO CONTACT. Start ignoring the calls again or say “We have nothing to talk about” and hang up. The longer you talk, the more calls and text messages will follow.
Use a telemarketer approach. We don’t answer telemarketers or hang up immediately because 1) the call is about their needs and their agenda, 2) the “deal” will cost us, not them, 3) they really don’t care if they are intruding into our life or not, and 4) if we hangup they’ll move on to somebody else.
Recovery is a process. Keep going and you’ll get there. Just keep your slot machine unplugged. Dr. Carver
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