Comments on “More on Relationship Losers, Abusers, Manipulators and Controllers”
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218 Responses to “More on Relationship Losers, Abusers, Manipulators and Controllers”
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140
Dear Debbie: Your Loser ex didn’t respond to your attorney’s invitation because he wants all visitation and contact on HIS terms. Keep referring him to the attorney and court system. You will probably receive additional angry letters each time you don’t let him control your life. As I mention in the article, he narcissistically feels entitled to punish you for not meeting his demands. Keep in mind that he wants to see the baby outside of the court or family-support system as that would allow him the opportunity to emotionally bash you again - in person. He’d hold the baby for five minutes then spend 55 minutes battering you and accusing you of being a bad parent.
Keep your family and friends close. Never meet him without an adult witness. Don’t fall for manipulations to get you alone - those aren’t visits - they’re abuse or manipulation sessions. Remember that his letters are only an attempt to maintain your low self-esteem. He’s hoping the letters serve the same purpose as an email or phone call. For entertainment, when you get a letter, rate each sentence on an abusive scale of 1 - 10. “1″ is a comment with no guilt, intimidation, etc. A “10″ is so guilt-ridden or abusive that you become sick to your stomach. At the end of the letter, tally up the score. You’ll develop an understanding of the abuse you’ve experienced in this manner. You can also rate the sentences based on themes - guilt, intimidation, bad parent, or even “theatrics” as “Thanks to you, the child will never know the true love of a father”. The child will also not be abused, intimidated or have a bad role model by the way.
Make all contacts business and refer all questions/complaints to an attorney or to the court system. Also keep a record of all calls, visitations, etc. A diary is helpful should he ever threaten to return to court. Dr. Carver
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Alika139
Hi Dr. Carver, Debbie, Colleen,
I just wanted to say thank you so much for your encouraging words. I have already read all your responses 2-3 times.
I will change his name on my cell phone to loser immediately. I think that will help me. Since our conversation on wednesday night, he called me 5 times yesterday and texted me. I have not responded to anything and don’t intend too.
I agree with you Colleen… everytime you feel your moving on they make contact. Have you broken your viscious cycle? Thank you for your support.
Dr.Carver - Thank you for your words and for helping me realize that its still always going to be about him.. no matter how many month’s go by. He will not be genuine in his intentions ever because it has never been about me and always him. I try and time my conversations but they always go over the 5 minute mark when I slip. I will try the 3 minute approach BUT will try and hold out picking up his call for as long as possible. Do you think that is wise?
Debbie, I’m sorry to hear that your loser is putting you through so much grief still. Have you ever considered getting someone else to read the letter to you. I find if a third party intervenes then the blow isnt as harsh as if you had read/heard the letter/voicemail yourself. I don’t want to give you the wrong advice in your situation, BUT I am glad to hear your family and friends are there to support you. It’s very important to have a good support system.
Thank you all so very much. :-)
Alika
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debbie138
Hi Alika
I just want to send my support to you too. You are doing really well. You have had one slip up, and as you said the phone call wasn’t worth it. I like the way some of the others have renamed their loser. I thought the one that says ‘ Its all about me’ was good. Because it always is about them. Never about you or your needs and feelings.
I’m still struggling with my situation. My ex is still writing letters despite being asked not to. The last letter upset me so much that I felt down most of last week. He has managed to find excuses for all his behaviour even asking me to remember what happened how he sees it. He has asked to see the baby because its his 40 birthday on Monday and yet he hasn’t responded to the lawyer’s letter offering contact either at a special centre or with my parents at an agreed time with them. I have said no, and I’m just waiting for his letter telling me how mean and unkind I’ve been for refusing contact on his birthday. I am very lucky that my family are so supportive and are keeping me strong.
Good luck Alika! -
137
Dr. Alika: Colleen’s comments are right on target. Losers take advantage of the fact that normal, healthy people are typically kind, loving, supportive, and polite. It’s difficult for a nice person to be rude or aggressive for example. When keeping victims on “back burner”, Losers frequently “fish” to see if you’re still back there on the hook. They use a variety of fishin’ equipment such as phone, cellphone, email, letters, contract with your friends/family, etc. They also use a variety of lures such as “I miss you”, “Oops, I dialed your number by mistake”, “I’ve gotten religion!”, “Just calling to see how your cat is”, etc. Despite the changing of equipment and lures - the bottomline remains the same - to hook you for another battle on their terms. Losers NEVER contact you for YOUR benefit - it’s always on their selfish agenda.
Don’t be hard on yourself for being a kind, nonrude, normal person. If such phone contacts are hard to resist - place a three-minute-egg-timer (or hourglass thing) by the phone. If you pick up, turn the timer over/on. At the end of the time, get off the phone using any excuse you need. Also use the same mood/attitude you’d use for a telemarketer. Remember - you’re not being rude - the Loser is being rude to call you after all they’ve done. As another reader (Nancy) mentioned, change the caller ID if possible to read “Loser” or something like that when his number comes up.
Detaching from a Loser isn’t an instant activity - it’s a gradual process. It’s a recovery. As your self-esteem returns it will get easier.
Hang in there. You’ve got a lot of support.
Dr. Carver -
Colleen136
Alika,
I just read your post and wanted to say first of all, don’t beat yourself up for having contact with your exloser. It’s a tough thing keeping these people out of our lives. The worst thing after contact is made, at least for me is feeling as though I’ve taken 10 steps backward, BUT…it doesn’t have to be that way.
My exloser contacted me end of September after almost 3 months of absolutely no contact which is the longest we had gone in 6 years.
It seems everytime I am starting to get to a better place with things the man almost has a sixth sense about it and contact is made again. I think it’s more the norm then not.
And yes…..we ARE on a perpetual “back burner” with these losers….they know that we are kind, loving, caring people and they will try and get their fix when there is noone else there that fulfills that need for them. It’s temporary and inevitably painful.
Be strong, don’t knock yourself for slipping…alot of us do it….it’s very hard to break the cycle but it can be done!!!Hugs to you.
Colleen
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Alika135
Hello all,
I am back. I feel kind of weak right now. I know I shouldn’t have spoken to my loser after going for a long period without talking to him. I’ve been kind of hard on myself since we spoke. I had a weak moment and picked up his call. I know I am on the backburner with this guy and the conversation was not worth it.
I don’t want to fall into his trap AGAIN after working SOO HARD to get out of it.
Any encouraging words to maintain on this path of NO CONTACT would be highly appreciated by me today.
Thank you in advance.
Alika
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134
Hi Roro: As I mention in my Loser article, Losers are very difficult to get rid of, unless it’s their idea - then they drop you like a hot rock. Rather than feel humiliated about your return to your family, be thankful. Your family will be cautious by the way, fearing you’ll return to the Loser.
Another issue here is despite his quick departure, a Loser always considers a previous partner (victim) as being on “back burner”. If his current situation doesn’t work out, he may recontact you with a sob story. If you fall for it, the abusive relationship begins all over again. I’d be sure to read the entries in this discussion on Losers to get a good understanding of being on “back burner” and how to protect yourself. The recent entry by ~Moi~ is an example of a positive strategy, using “I’m a User” as their caller ID, reminding you of what this person is should they recontact you.
As difficult as the loss of any relationship is, it’s not as difficult as remaining in an abusive relationship for many years - only to end up losing your own personality, your future, and your dreams. As you’ll see in these entries, victims of Losers often lose many years, money, property, and careers. In the end, when the victim is totally depleted, the victim is dropped and the Loser selects a new target. Rather than feeling foolish and stupid, you might consider feeling lucky that you survived and escaped with minimal damage. Your job is to now rekindle your relationships with family and friends, reorganize your life, and enjoy a future that YOU can control.
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Roro133
My loser kicked me out after three years when i found out he was texting another woman. I tried to leave on a few occasions, but always went back to his violence and abuse because i believed he would change, and in the end he kicked me out and cut of all contact with me. How’s that for feeling foolish, stupid and completely humiliated. on top of that, I had to crawl back to a family he made me abandon.
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~Moi~132
Hello everyone (posting under a different name now). I have found that as a parent with a child to a loser, that it is an incredibly emotive roller coaster ride to be on. My ex changes from threatening court action for more time, to refusing to look after our child because he sees it as me controlling him, and it interfering with his girlfriends time. It saddens me that I can never rely on him to be there for our child, and that despite him saying he puts our child first, he clearly puts his girlfriend first every time. I flatly refuse to meet her, even though he wants me to. I know that it would just be another way of him trying to hurt me.
Dr Carver, your advice for parents is fantastic, thank you. I have my ex in my phone as “i’m a user”, which helps to remind me that he is one!.
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131
Hi Nancy, Great idea. In my article on dealing with Emotional Memory on this website, I recommend renaming high-risk people and situations as a reminder of their potential for harm. Renaming him “Let Go” on the Cellphone is a great idea. One of my patients has a sign attached to her caller ID saying “It’s all about Me”. It’s a reminder that the Loser’s agenda never changes, allowing her to see the ID and not answer the call. Others rename their Losers and Abusers with funny names, slogans, and even cartoon characters. If we control our Emotional Memory, it’s easier to stay off the back burner. Dr. Carver
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