Comments on “More on Relationship Losers, Abusers, Manipulators and Controllers”
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218 Responses to “More on Relationship Losers, Abusers, Manipulators and Controllers”
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Nancy130
Dr. Carver, Thanks the advice works wonders.( I placed a post-it note on my cell, reminding me the bad times, therefore if I’m tempted, it helps me to stop and instead of his name I renamed him as “let go”). Also I reviewed the other articles. I want to add something else. I realized, I had made my life around him and his needs. Therefore he was all I talked about, (I still know is recent, and I’m being patient with me). Yet I realized I had forgoten about me, so now I stop at times and ask myself. “What about me? Who am I? What do I want?” I’m in process to get back to myself.
Thanks again. -
Jenna129
I wanted to express to all of you the personal strength that you have by taking such difficult steps to make postive changes in your lives. Many women continue to stay with controlling men. They remain under his thumb and suffer silently.
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128
Dear Nancy,
When detaching from a Loser/Abuser/Controller, we must deal with all the issues I’ve mentioned in the Love and Stockholm Syndrome article. We are not only leaving a relationship - but an investment of time/emotions, a loss of those dreams and fantasies about the relationship, social difficulties, and a host of other concerns.Another aspect that keeps the distress going after a detachment is Emotional Memory (see article on this website). When we’re feeling lonely, distressed, etc. we seek comfort in our memories - bringing up memories of good times, romantic moments, etc. Many of those good memories are connected with our relationship with the Loser, even though there are more negative memories if we count them. When we are playing Selective Memories, we bring up the feelings attached to those memories and the next thing we know, we have an urge to contact the Loser again. As you might imagine, that can be dangerous. In fact, pulling these good memories is one of the ways a Loser keeps victims on the back burner. They call to talk about the “good times”.
We can review our memories as we like but we must remember the dangers of emphasizing only good memories. Addicts, for example, when tempted by the urge to abuse, purposefully think of the negative memories to stay clean. That’s in contrast to the alcoholics to tell funny “drinking stories” at the bar and purposefully avoid their memories of lost spouses/children, arrests, lost jobs, and drinking-related problems. So, when you find yourself entertaining those comfortable memories and get an urge to contact the Loser, purposefully remember the abuse, neglect, humiliation, intimidation, etc….and the urge to contact them will quickly disappear. When at the zoo, it’s great to feel that tigers are beautiful animals….but we should also remember that they can tear our arm off. Using both types of memories keep us at a safe distance…from all kinds of dangerous animals…. Dr. Carver
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Nancy127
Wendy, Thanks for the advice. I’ll give some feedback about my status. As I mentioned I’m in “Safe Home”, and is the best decision I have made so far, it has been a key for my recovery, because I was deep in denial, also it has been great being among other who don’t judge me and they understand. The intention of this comment is to give some hope and letting know there is help, to those who feel the way I felt, cornered, away from family and not knowing where to go. I’m also going to therapy, so it has been helpful. I realize that NO CONTACT, sometimes is hard, in my case my Loser, has not even asked me where I’m (yet he knows, where I work). I admit sometimes I feel tempted to call, I wonder what he’s doing, if he is seeing someone. When I feel like that my strategy when I feel like that is: talk with someone and remember the bad things, well works most of the time, but I have failed a couple of times.
Dr. Carver, beyond realizing, this men or women are Losers. Do yo have some other kind of strategies, that can help us to get over them? Is still painful, and the hardest part has been putting together that the “Prince Charming” has become this monster. In my case he was charming for 2 years, then the nightmare began. It seems my brain has an issue realizing, that the same man who was so loving, is now this selfish and dangerous man. Does it mean I’m the one I’m not letting him go? -
Karen126
I am so glad that I found this resource! I have been seeing a guy who exhibited many of these characteristics. He never exhibited any of these characteristics excessively, so I thought he was harmless initially. However, when he started getting weirder and weirder, I added them up and it was frightening! I have now ended the relationship and will know what to look out for next time. Your idea to make myself look like the weirdo worked like a charm. He has moved on…only makes me sad to think who his next victim will be. You are doing a great service Dr. Carver. Thank God for the Internet! I would have been in for a world of hurt if it were 1907 instead of 2007.
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debbie125
Dear Dr Carver, Thank you for your very useful advice. I think I will print it off as a reference. As my looser ticked all the boxes on your loser characteristics, I am hoping so much that he will just lose interest in our child altogether. I was told by my solicitor yesterday, that despite all his bad behaviour, he would still have a right to continued access to the child.
Thank you Alika for your response. It will feel better eventually, if we can just stay out of their lives!! -
124
Hi All… Some thoughts about Losers/Abusers/Controllers and children. It’s sad to say, but the more Loser characteristics a person has, the less likely they will be interested in children in their lives. With many indicators, these are future dead-beat dads and detached mothers. Losers DO have behaviors related to children. For example:
- When detaching from a Loser in a relationship, the child provides a “ticket” for contact with the victim. The child provides a socially acceptable reason for contacting the victim, as though being concerned about the child’s health. When this happens, you’ll find the Loser talking about the child for less than three minutes - then attempting to guilt, berate, intimidate, or pressure the victim for the next hour. Again, the child is the “admission ticket” for the contact. When this happens, the minute the conversation turns away from the child, offer something like “This call is about our child…not me and not us. I’ll only talk about the child.” Then hangup.
- Losers also use children for manipulations. In the theme of keeping the victim on “back burner”, children are used to pressure the victim, being told “Our child wants us back together”. With older children, the Loser intentionally arranges uncomfortable meetings, restaurants, etc. in an attempt to return to the old relationship. They also tell the children “I love your mother/father”, knowing the child will repeat that to the victim.
- Children are also used to batter the victims with guilt. All children have an emotional and behavioral reaction to separation, divorce, etc. The Loser uses those expected behaviors to batter the victim with guilt - “Little Jimmy wouldn’t be wetting the bed if we were still together”. A good victim response is to remind the Loser that all children must adjust to the changes in the relationship - just as the two adults must adjust to the situation.
- When there is shared custody, visitation can be very difficult as it offers the Loser an opportunity to further abuse and victimize the ex-partner. The solution is to make all visitation “business” as much as possible. It’s also helpful to always include a witness or meet in a public place - it’s harder to intimidate someone when there is a witness or in a public place. This is why Losers want to exchange children “personally” and in private with you.
- Sadly, as the Loser becomes unable to manipulate, control, or abuse the ex victim, they tend to fade away and out of the lives of the children. The requirements for healthy parenting are alien to an individual who is totally selfish as good parenting requires the opposite - sacrifice, caring, loving, and understanding. As they fade away, they blame the victim (as usual) for their departure. Again, they never accept responsibility for their behavior.
With children in the picture, NO CONTACT is often very difficult, but not impossible. When dealing with custody, visitation, calls about the children - we must use “NO PERSONAL CONTACT”. Avoid meeting them alone, don’t provide information about your life/activities, focus only on the children, be boring and business-like (as though talking to a telemarketer), and maintain an emotional distance. It’s like an obscene phone call…if they can’t use the contact to abuse, manipulate, intimidate or upset you - the calls stop.
I’m very busy with the Ask the Psychologist feature but I’ll try to stop by from time to time. Dr. Carver
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Alika123
To add to that, Try and stay strong yourself Debbie.
As corny as it sounds, one day we will get up and it WON’T MATTER.
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Alika122
Hi Debbie,
Thanks for the encouragement. I’m really trying to stay strong, but its hard at some moments. I keep reading this site as encouragement.
As for your situation, I feel for you. I can’t imagine being married to a “loser,” but your smart.. your not with him. Your trying to make a difference in your life. I understand its hard with the baby and he uses the baby to get to you, but I guess we need to stay strong. I would probably ask Dr. Carver to suggest some means of communicating with your ex with regards to the baby.
I know what it feels like to want to wake up and have this all go away and pretend it never happend. I tell myself every morning that I am better than that and that I will not be anyone’s toy.
Thanks for the encouragement and I will try and stay strong.
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debbie121
Hi Alika
DON’T call him or respond to him. He keeps on going at you because he knows that you will cave in. He obviously has nothing better to do than make your life hell. Would you consider changing your phone numbers?
I am also feeling vulnerable at the moment. I thought I was getting somewhere with avoiding contact. My ex had contact with our baby with my parents present in a cafe yesterday. He sat and cried and handed a bag of clothes over to my parents for the baby telling them that he loved me. There were two bibs inside. One saying Mummy loves Daddy the other saying Daddy loves mummy. He is now saying that he won’t use a contact centre and will take me to court! Of course he is refusing to accept that there was a problem in the marriage and that he did everything he could to save it and he was only bombarding me and my family and friends with texts, calls and letters because he wanted to know why.I am feeling worried that i am not going to be beleived how awful it was in that marriage. Sometimes I just wish I could close my eyes and open them and have my life back how it was before I met him, except that my baby is just so lovely.
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