Comments on “More on Relationship Losers, Abusers, Manipulators and Controllers”
You are browsing comments for the story “More on Relationship Losers, Abusers, Manipulators and Controllers”.
You are currently browsing comments. If you would like to return to the full story, you can read the full entry here.
218 Responses to “More on Relationship Losers, Abusers, Manipulators and Controllers”
-
Mack110
Yes, Alika, prepare yourself for random phone calls “just to see how you are doing”; for guilt trips “I can’t believe after all we’ve been through you won’t even forgive me and give me another chance”; and for insults “I knew you were a risk / You’re just too [whatever]“. And, perversely, also prepare yourself to be entirely cut off, harshly and suddenly, as punishment for finally standing up for yourself and your values. Perhaps after he feels he’s punished you long enough (or is just bored with his latest conquests) he might call again “just to see how you are doing,” but hopefully by that point you’ll have healed sufficiently to know exactly what that means and keep him well at bay.
I can empathize with your loss-confusion-anger-grief because I went through it myself (I guess you can scroll back a couple pages for my pitiful story, lol). I’m glad to hear you say that you deserve better than what this guy was trying to offer you. It’s true. Write it on your bathroom mirror if you have to… and look after *you*. :-) -
Alika109
Thank you for your advice Dr. Carver.
I will stick to the no contact and will not cave this time. My parents/ friends/ everyone keeps saying No contact. I know I deserve better than a Loser!
I refuse to be someone’s back burner.
Is there anything that I should be cautious of for the future(ie random phone calls, “i will not talk to you anymore if you don’t pick up the phone” threats,etc)?
-
108
Dear Alika,
Your Loser has placed you on “back burner”. Losers quickly move to their next victim/target yet continue to maintain a partial relationship with their ex-victims. In this way, the Loser maintains a set of ex-victims who are always available for their use and abuse - sexually, emotionally, financially, etc. They maintain you on the back burner with random calls, email, flowers, “thinking of you” cards, etc. As in your case, they profess love yet are getting married (or the current victim thinks they are getting married!). Each contact provokes massive amounts of Emotional Memory which produces the emotional confusion you feel. It is for reason that I recommend NO CONTACT.
The lost of a relationship often produces a depressive reaction. The Loser recognizes this and does what he/she can to maintain your depression…it makes it easier to manipulate you. People with high self-esteem are difficult to manipulate. You may want to seek counseling or mental health treatment as well as use NO CONTACT with your ex-Loser.
Stay on your recovery track and maintain NO CONTACT is your best bet. Dr. Carver
-
Alika107
I forgot one other thing.. now in his conversations which we have once every three weeks, he uses the, ” i know you hate me, I know that you don’t like/ trust me, I know your ignoring my calls, its hard being friends” and other such lines to make me feel bad/ guilty. Why so I can stay on the back burner?
3 weeks ago he sent me a gift to my work and the next day i found out that he is on an matrimonial website looking to get married AND i should TRUST him! Whatever! He still occasionaly says he loves me and can’t forget about me no matter how hard he tries.
Why does he do this?
Thanks so much for that article.. you have helped me understand this much better. I really appreciate you article answering all my WHY’s???
-
Alika106
Hi Dr. Carver,
In a nut shell I met a loser 3 years ago. We started dating in December 2006 (after knowing each other and chatting for 2 years), he broke with me in April 2007. Shortly after that (1 week) he told me he was dating someone and I was devestated. I couldnt believe this was happening to me. I lied to my parents and friends and went to go see him many times when we were together as he lived in a different city then me. I also went to go see a counsellor after the break up and had to take time off of work. He called me continously… In 3 months he called me over 300 times literally.. leaving me nice messages, mean messages, etc. He even came to see me in June. Shortly after he told me he broke up the girl. He still contacts me but the intensity has decreased and now we are sitting in October.
I feel that I can’t let go for some reason. I haven’t talked to him for a span of 3 weeks at a time before i get frustrated with all his calls and pick up (which I know I shouldn’t). I also suffer from the emotional memory and have read your syndrome article. I just don’t know what to do to let it go completely. I dont’ have contact with him yet i miss him if he doesn’t call. I dont’ even know why I want him to call as I don’t talk to him. Some days are harder than others but for the most part I feel alright. I just pray that with time, it will all go away. Is there anything I can do to accelerate this process and not miss him when he doesn’t call me for a few days or weeks?
This is the most terrible thing that could have happened.
Thank you.
-
Johnny105
Although she was succeessful and functional, I was very dissapointed to identify some of my ex-girlfriend’s traits as narcisstic:
-Low stress tolerance. Easy to anger and rage;
-Has evil mouths and use to be rude and sarcastic during the fights
-Arrogant and impulsive, shows frustration rather than sorrow
-Eager to receive recognition or flattering, very dissapionted and angry when somebody critsize her work
-Expects to know what she expects and needs without having to ask for it
-Inability to fully recognize her own mistakes.
-Extremely sensitive to personal criticism and extremely critical of other people.
-Tactless, rigid behaviour
-Negative, pessimistic, cynical outlook on life
-Complain about something all the time.
-Blame other persons and events for her moods, bad words, mistakes or failuresI don’t know whether she is nacissist or not, but these were enough for separation. I am very sorry, but my eyes are now open.
I was very dissapointed to identify some of these traits. And even more dissapointed to read that these people are very persistent to change… Despite their high intelligence…
It feel it would be a risky adventure to continue, wouldn’t it?
-
Paul104
Dear Dr. Carver,
I was fascinated by your article, you have put so many things into perspective- since the breakup with my ex last year I have been looking for answers, thinking that everything was my fault. Thank you.
-
103
Hi Johnny,
You are right on the button. The Loser article is based on four “personality disorders” we find in clinical practice - Antisocial, Narcissistic, Histrionic, and Borderline Personalities. The Internet has thousands of sources that offer a clinical description of these personalities. Over the years I realized that the symptoms and signs of these personality disorders, from a professional standpoint, told little about how these folks were in relationships. A clinical description of a Narcissistic Personality doesn’t tell you how they appear in a relationship. Nothing in the Antisocial Personality description tells you what to look for when dating or in a marriage.For that reason, I developed the twenty real-life indicators of a “Loser” that are blends of those four personality types. While there are other personality disorders, this group creates the most problems in relationships. This group produces the most victims and does the most psychological damage in relationships.
Excellent question… Dr. Carver
-
Johnny102
Dr Carver,
I read a lot about narcisstic personalities and their behaviour. Loser characteristics that you described are very similar to those that narcisstic personalities have. Are then ‘losers’ just various types of narcisstic persons?
-
brooke101
debbie
thanks for the comments. I know that i shouldnt see him, but my anger gets the best of me still. As for what u said of him being desparte to have a child with you, and then not being there. That is excalty what my ex did. I just know he only did it for control, everytime we would leave (me & the baby) he would ingore us, but once a month would come around to see the “baby” everytime he was seeing her, really he was puttin the moves on me, until we were living with him again. He has never had anything to do being a father, and he also has a child in another state that is one year older then my daughter. He denied it was his, until he could no longer lie about it. and he does the same with her, only pulling her along until he needs her again. Its such a shame that there are people in this world that could be so heartless. Im glad i came across this website, its allowed me to see the truth about him, and that im not alone.
Pages: « 22 … 14 13 12 [11] 10 9 8 … 1 »