Comments on “More on Relationship Losers, Abusers, Manipulators and Controllers”
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218 Responses to “More on Relationship Losers, Abusers, Manipulators and Controllers”
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Enrique10
Hello.
I left my “loser” (a classic case) in January after a long marriage (we have 2 kids). It’s been a high conflict level, and I have refused to engage in any conversation with her if this felt unpleasant to me. This, of course, means that every attempt on such conversation has been cut very short. By using external help (counseling and attorneys) we have managed to agree on arrangements regarding the kids and the financial issues. This summer we’ve taken the kids on separate vacations, and this seems to create problems for her. She called today, and I was attacked in a very aggressive way for not being rigid enough with the kids. After this, she turned into the very familiar victim, telling me how hurt and miserable she is from the way I have treated her (leaving her, and not being willing to “explain”). I think she hates the thought of them having a great time with me… I feel quite OK, but this call brought back some bad memories, and made me somewhat anxious about what’s ahead. I think there will be a lot of difficult issues regarding the kids. I have also started to see another woman, and if I keep seeing her the “loser” will eventually find out about it. I refuse to let her in any way determine my life, but, knowing her, I anticipate difficulties. I’ll handle it, but I fear that it will affect both my kids and the “new” woman. Any comments will be appreciated! -
Bill Smith9
Hello.
My ex-loser presented herself in the parking lot outside my office after I finished work. It has been one month since physical contact and 2 weeks since verbal contact. I hadn’t returned email or text. She stated which sounded like a scripted apology.and a check for the money she ‘borrowed’
I had originally thought she was the one who attempted to open a line of credit under my name.since then I found out that it was my ex-wife loser. Yes ex loser wife. That is why I got divorced. I don’t know which one is sicker. So
Yes I picked another loser after my divorce. So I was in parking lot 2nd ex-loser came to test waters after work. She even had a made a counseling appointment for herself. I sincerely wished her well with therapy, but told her that I am sick, tired,
And can barely work I am so fatigued. Told her had doctors appt had to go.
She didn’t even ask what tests were done….she doesn’t care…..she only cares about cash and her ability to manipulate to obtain. I feel good about how I handled it. I didn’t want any hostile or anger response. What loser would want to be with a sick man who couldn’t make enough money for her!!!
Thanks again to dr carver for follow up protection. -
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Dear Skyla, Your ex-Loser is continuing his pattern of victimizing you. He either verbally abuses you or creates a hostile sexual environment. In both situations, he is being abusive. To minimize the abuse, 1) Try to meet in a public place, 2) Take a friend as a witness as that decreases personal comments, 3) Don’t stop to talk or chat as that increases his opportunities. I know of some folks who videotape the exchanges for the record. You may also have options legally if you had an attorney or court arrange the visitation. You have a case that twice per week is abusive to you.
Keep in mind, he is more interested in abusing you than being with the child. It’s best if you remain a “bitch” to him as that makes the exchange uncomfortable to him as well. When situations are uncomfortable, we tend to enjoy them less - thus do them less. When he’s flirting, he feels powerful again. Be cold and business. Keep a diary of the exchanges and his behavior for later reference.
Most of all, develop a ritual for yourself, a post-exchange ritual that reminds you that you’ve just had a miserable experience. A calming ritual helps decrease the emotional memory of the event. A hot bath, trip for ice cream, etc. A ritual will also be needed when the child returns, letting the child know they are home again. Many children return from visitation upset, hyper and disorganized. A calming ritual settles them back into the home.
Keep in mind that Losers are not good long-term parents. They are too narcissistic and selfish. While they often demand frequent visitation, mostly to upset the true parent, their contacts gradually fade. It’s like an obscene caller who gets no conversation - just a hang-up. There’s no fun in that so they move on and call someone else. Dr. Carver
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Skyla7
Thank you for your reply to my last question Dr Carver :) .
I am feeling emotionally exhausted from my ex again. I see him twice a week for drops off with our child, and find that I’m constantly in shields up mode. I don’t really know how to deal with him anymore. I have tried being short and quick, but am met with comments that I am being a bitch to him. If I am friendly he takes HUGE advantage of it. And this last 3 weeks he has been flirting with me, perving on me and making disgusting comments, in front of our son about the opposite sex. Saying to him not to say those things, just boosts his ego and ignoring them just leads to him continuing to say it..
There doesn’t seem to be any easy way of dealing with him and I am feeling really violated at present.
He has another fiance, however this has not changed his flirtatious behaviour towards ME.
Any advice would be fantastic. Should I just put up with being called a bitch? or what do I do. There is no one else to do drop offs.
Thanks
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Mack6
**applause**
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Lori5
The loser in my life made an abrupt appearance this week. After a full month of no contact, because he initially ignored my text messages and I refused to continue chasing him, he calls me up out of nowhere. Wondering, quite innocently, why I haven’t contacted him. Um, you ignored my messages dude. “Hey you know I don’t always responds to texts, don’t take it personally,” he said. He didn’t lose interest in me, he stressed, adding that he was leaving it up to ME to decide, cause he was cool with whatever direction I went in. It left me completely sick and disgusted but I ended the conversation cordially, thinking I would never see him again anyway.
The very next day, he called to give me an extremely lengthy monologue. How, it wasn’t working out for him, he wasn’t in the right state of mind to take on casual sex. How he was left feeling negative all the time, and he blamed me for this reaction. He didn’t care about me, and he blamed me for that too. He blamed me for ruining his life basically, that he was unfocused and distracted because I was in it. He’s trying to find purpose, and I got in the way. I shouldn’t have come on to him, I shouldn’t have done this, that and the other thing. Ugh, the man is unemployed by his own accord. The man is depressed because that’s who he is. I left him alone for a month and he still got nothing done, and spent hundreds of dollars drinking his liver away. “Don’t feel sorry for me,” he said dramatically, “I am perfectly okay with my decision.”
That line literally made me laugh, but he was too busy talking non-stop to hear it. I couldn’t give two shits if he was okay with his decision. My first instinct, though, was to be angry with him blaming me. Then I calmed down because arguing with a psychopath is useless. I did let the conversation happen, however. I am glad I did, cause it’s the last nail in the coffin.
However, if we had this conversation just a month ago, I’m pretty sure it would have left me disoriented, weak, sad, probably crying over the lost love that never existed, and truly blaming myself for such an outcome. Wanting him back, unbelievably. However, after reading all the posts here, the helpful clearcut advice, the experiences everyone is going through, I know this man is delusional. And not my problem! And I am incredibly thankful that I do not have to go through any more emotional rollercoasters with him.
Like Bill Smith states above, these losers want to manipulate. My loser was jumping from one extreme to another, as if this was acceptable. I became aware of this being abnormal behavior thorough this website. It’s MUCH easier to take back control as a result. I think of it now as, ech, why waste a single tear on this idiot. Good riddance.
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Bill Smith4
Last night I received a voice mail from my former loser girlfriend that I dated for 6 months.which has since ended. Apparently She and her girlfriend were at a party with her new friends and her new boyfriend. She said in the voice mail that her new boyfriend was drunk and couldn’t drive them home. She said he has had DUIs. Apparently he is a loser too.she requested that I give she and the girlfriend a ride home. initially, I felt sorry for her, then disgust. So I deleted the voice mail as it just confirmed how much of a loser she really is. Expecting me to drop everything and rescue her. I think part of it was drama so she can use it somehow for her gain. Maybe she wants rid of the new drunk loser boyfriend? And was testing to see if I would respond for some reason?
Thankfully I now understand that losers are all about self gain and manipulation. -
Pat3
Thanks so much Dr Carver,
Your article really has saved me from getting too deeply involved with this abusive individual. I seem to attract them: the relationship with the last one lasted for three agonising years and if I hadn’t read your article and the responses to the letters posted here, I would not have had the guidance I needed to bring this one to an end so early on, before it did too much damage.
You’re right that his sudden appearance after a month did trigger emotional memories and for the few days afterwards, I found it hard to stop myself from thinking of him and what he had done and tried to do, and I was starting to get anxious about it. I feel disgusted with myself that I let him into my life so trustingly and let him do and say the things he did get away with. But then my friends said that I should not dwell on the past and just be happy that I have seen sense and got away from him before he could hurt me even more. I’m trying to water-down the memories by adding extra things to them to make them seem ridiculous and funny but I still feel this horrible fear of him and imagine that he might be planning something nasty to get his own back.
I have thought it through and as you said in one of your previous responses, he would do something much more subtle to try to get back into my life. Like he has just done - testing the water to see if I’ve softened a bit after a month (but finding a freezing cold pool!!). I also realise that he’s the sort of person who wouldn’t do something if he didn’t gain something from it. He wants me to be intimidated though so he would be happy to know that I’m feeling uneasy about what he might do.
Luckily I have very nosey, but friendly, neighbours who know the whole story and as soon as they see him or his car in our street, they call me immediately. We have agreed that if they don’t get an answer and he hasn’t gone away within a certain amount of time, they will call the police.
I feel really strong now as I have never felt before. In the previous relationship when I ended it (countless times) he would always talk me round and sweet talk me back. This time I understand clearly how these individuals’ minds work and it makes me feel confident and strong because I know how to deal with them. In the future I will be a lot more guarded when I meet someone new and I will be much more aware.
I can’t thank you enough! I think you should write a book so that more people who are suffering at the hands of these “Losers” can free themselves. I have already helped two colleagues who are in similar situations by giving them your website address and article address.
Thank you.
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2
Dear Sarah,
From your description, your mother has been living in “survival mode” for most of her adult life. She may have never had the sense of self-esteem and self-confidence it takes to live independently or take a stand against a controlling or abusive individual.When our self-esteem is damaged, we try to please who we’re with. When with you and your family, your mother is ready to leave and start a new life. When she returns, her position changes and she’s ready to support him again. At this time, still operating in survival mode, your mother finds he has more to offer than the family in terms of financial security, a home, safety, etc.
Important here - Your Mom is making a decision FOR HER, not AGAINST YOU. That’s sometimes hard to see. Your mother knows the family will continue to be supportive of you however.
Having seen how he can cut off all contact and support with her very quickly, she has no choice (in her mind) but to stay with him. In truth, she knows You and the family will always take her back at another time as you love her.
Yes, your mother has a type of Stockholm Syndrome. She feels support of her partner is needed for her survival. It also means that you and the family have become a threat to her security. You could actually get her kicked out of where she lives - something that almost happened. To protect herself, she must distance herself from you.
While it’s difficult, recognize that Mom is trying to protect herself here. You’ve not lost your mother but you will need another strategy. In Stockholm Syndrome, attempts to free someone often moves them further away from you. You need to “hold on loosely” as I say in the article, and at a safe-for-Mom distance.
Reestablish your contact and relationship with Mom, but not one that tries to get her to leave. Once You and Mom are healthy again, focus on improving your situation, getting through college, etc. Keep in mind that as long as her partner feels you are a threat to their relationship, he’ll try to stay between you and your mother. If you are no longer a threat, he may actually be supportive, perhaps reluctantly so. Use the strategies I’ve outlined in my Stockholm Syndrome article as a guide.
After your career is underway, you may then have options for offering Mom a more healthy lifestyle.
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