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76 Responses to “Overwhelming Response to Threads on Relationship Losers”
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Mack70
Hey Dr. Carver. I’m cool with “Loser? No contact!” Fully persuaded; I’m good! :-)
Does it also extend to the loser’s family? His folks hosted me for a few days 6mths ago, and I actually did get on with his mother… she was sweet and in many ways reminded me of my own. I did the polite thank you afterwards of course, but sometimes wish I could send her at least seasonal greetings — but I am a little nervous that
(a) his family is where he’s learned to do what he does, and if so, they’d also be “contaminated”;
(b) if I do contact her and he finds out, he might eventually use it as a wedge to get back into my galaxy; and
(c) that even if he let my contact pass, he would try to undermine me & my rep in front of his family. Of course I don’t know that he hasn’t already done (c), and I’d have no control over it in any case so it hardly makes sense to worry over it. But still: it’s occured to me. I don’t ever want to give him another in — the experience was far too costly & I’ve learned a lot since. So if I do have to sacrifice contact with his mother to make sure that the doors remain closed, I really can just keep praying for her instead, lol…What’s your opinion?
[Note to Lori, in case you ever read this: You deserve better. You do know who you are and what you're worth.
So don't put up with someone who devalues you... He might be training himself to regard you lightly and that's his choice -- but don't train yourself to be lightly regarded. Don't do it & don't allow it. I understand wanting back what he baited you with -- and you're seeing now that that sweetness wasn't really him at all, aren't you? It was just bait. You're not a fool for being attracted to the bait; you do deserve someone who's charming and stuff. And now you know that he ain't charming at all; he's rotten on the inside -- you know. So don't wait for the decay to spread; drop him like a squishy pear. You're worth more than squishy pear, really you are, and you know it. :-)] -
Bill Smith69
Hello everyone. I am glad that my ex-loser criminal sociopath had the last word for now. It is clear that “losers” get satisfaction from obtaining ANY response from you….especially an emotionally charged response. They thrive on seeing your response. When your response becomes something different that what they normally expect would happen…they do not know what to do. My ex-loser said once “I can’t figure you out”. I said “what’s to figure out?”. No response from the loser.
Reflecting back on the relationship I noticed early on she would say “the most important thing is that a guy is nice/good” “he doesn’t have to have a lot of money…that’s not as important as being good” what does “good” mean? I think it means nice, empathic, and someone who she thinks can be easily manipulated. She said that she couldn’t figure me out. So, when that happened and I became dull, boring, stopped having sex with her, etc. She found a new transition victim. I am certain that she will find an appropriate candidate for her next victim as she was doing a victim search on match.com while she was dating me. No contact is working. -
68
Dear Pat: Yep, he was testing the water and stuck his foot in a freezing pool! Many people don’t believe me when I say the Loser will be back or that despite their abuse and mistreatment of you, they have no problem keeping victims on a “back burner”.
You handled it perfectly! The incident will still provoke Emotional Memory for you - a temporary reliving of the hell of that relationship. You might want to read my article on the topic on my website at http://www.drjoecarver.com
You’ve provided an excellent example of how to put advice to work in the real world. Sometimes Losers try to return to our lives by phone, visits, email, or by trying to tap our bank accounts (thanks to Bill for that example). When this happens, either No Contact or as you correctly described it - Short and NOT Sweet!
You passed the test!!
Dr. Carver -
Pat67
Hi, I posted here about a month ago describing a Loser whirlwind experience I’ve had which only lasted three weeks but has left me very shaken. I haven’t heard from the Loser since, which I was thinking seemed all too easy. Would you believe it, but I just decided to take a look at this site again and read some of the letters and there was a knock at the door. It was him!!! I immediately felt shakey and scared but I just repeated what I had just read in one of Dr Carver’s letters: “I’m sorry but I’ve moved on now and you’ve moved on, I don’t want any more contact with you.” He said he had just come round to ask me to ask the bank to stop sending him letters in both our names. I said, it was his address, so he should ask them to stop sending the letters, goodbye and shut the door.
I feel so shaken. I was just beginning to stop feeling nervous about seeing him or worrying that he might do something nasty. I suppose this is textbook Loser - he has left it for a while for me to calm down and to let my guard down, and is now testing the water. Well, if he tries any other sort of contact, I will give him the same response: leave me alone!
All the same, I feel really shaken now but I think I dealt with it in the right way - short and NOT sweet.
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Bill Smith66
Thank you again for your insight. Your diagnosis was accurate.
the ex-loser criminal will not get any response from me. I have set up my phone so that it doesn’t ring should she call. I have also set up a voice mail so that any messages can be deleted without hearing them. My bank is on alert…and have credit alerts in place as well. If there is anything else that I need to do that I may have overlooked please let me know. Thanks again. And I will resist the temptation to psychologically strategize or ‘play’ especially now that I know her diagnoses. I understand that i would be playing with fire and for sure would get burned. No contact is the only safe option. -
65
Dear Bill: Did I mention that she had a side order of criminality???? I guess it’s now the main course. Keep in mind, she feels she has enough control over you to commit felony fraud - and you won’t press charges. Secure your accounts, change bank account numbers if possible. Change the locks on your place if necessary. All Losers are con-artists. Some Losers are also criminal and you’ve found one here.
A word of caution. Resist the temptation to play with this criminal Loser. I’m sure you’d like nothing better to say something like “Someone’s been messing with my credit cards and I’ve called the police. They say they can use bank cameras to get the criminal.” Playing with a Loser causes them to target you more. The idea is to be detached forever…not stalked.
Stay detached and No Contact. Don’t play. For a criminal, it’s not a game. It’s a way of life and they have no problem doing anything they need to do for revenge or manipulation. Let me move off and away. Dr. Carver
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64
Dear Skyla: Sociopaths don’t love anyone, not in the sense that healthy folks love each other. As you clearly experienced in that incident, a Loser is willing to sacrifice the emotional health of his children and anyone around him to achieve his goals. In this case, the goal was to hurt not only you, but hurt the chances of you and the two children ever feeling comfortable together again. By traumatizing the two children, they will now be fearful of associating as a family, fearing another outburst. He was so jealous and threatened by what was happening, he had to dramatically traumatize all involved, making chances for a similar reunion unlikely. Losers will actually emotionally and even physically abuse their children in an attempt to intimidate or punish their partner or ex-partner. As you noticed, he didn’t care at all about the animal - but he did care violently that you and the children were cooperating in a loving moment.
You’ll need to make your relationship with the children individually and in brief episodes. You mentioned “we were all happy” for that week - that was too threatening for him. You were in control during those times - not him. As you now know, he can’t make people happy - that requires self-sacrifice and concern for others - and he hasn’t got that.
Reform your relationship with the children. They, and you, have experienced a bout with Emotional Memory, reliving the years of abuse all over again. Maintain brief contacts until the children are older and can defend themselves better. When those emotional memories surface, as they did, everyone will be disorganized for a while. Dr. Carver
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bill smith63
Today I received several calls from my ex-losers work phone. The night before she attempted to open a credit card account in either my name, or acting like she was my spouse. I had credit security in place as I knew she had criminal tendencies. The application was rejected and a message alert was sent to me. Obviously, she wanted the money for her vacation and to finance her new relationship. Her calls were another attempt to deceive and manipulate me, thinking that I would not recognize the number and pick up. She also wanted to see if I would say anything about her failed attempt with the online credit application. When I didn’t pick up….she left a voice mail message that was immediately deleted. I didn’t listen to the message. The two reasons that she was still attempting to contact me was 1. she needed money. and 2. to know that she had me on a backburner.
I have recently figured out what backburner meant to her by getting inside the mind of my ex-loser….I am not recommending that anyone else try that.
Dr. Carver is right, if the loser finds a new victim (starts a new relationship)… you then move to backburner quickly. It is important to recognize what the loser wants out of the backburner status. In my case, she used the term “exclusive friend” to mean backburner. I found out by reading some of her writing that the only thing she cared about was whether the backburner guy (me) would take her back, and give her everything if the new relationship didn’t work out. She was erroneously under the assumption that Backburner guy (me) would welcome her back lovingly so that she could then return to her previous status with me. After figuring out what “exclusive friend meant” She thought that I loved her so unconditionally that I would forgive her for her sins ( meaning having a relationship with new guy)…just like God would forgive. She knew I am a spiritual person…..I wrote a few sentences and sent them to her email. I said “I am not God”. I said “things have changed permanently” “things will never be how they were before” “We can never have any relationship ever again”
“I will never loan or give you anything including my time or my money.”
“This is the last communication you will receive…goodbye.”
Importantly….Losers feel it NECESSARY to have the last word…..I expected a comment from her. Her comment back was “I am SURE that we will talk again.” Since she has been totally dishonest her entire life…..Her final words… indicate without a doubt…that I am officially off the back burner. Her disorder may cause her months down the road to attempt to manipulate me….A Non response from me will send a clear and consistent message that I am not available for another round of manipulation. Thanks again to Dr Carver for sharing his insight. The information on this website has helped me to prevent any damage this individual could have caused to my self and my professional career. -
Skyla62
Dr Carver, i’m not sure if you saw my post above. Are you able to offer any advice on how to deal with my ex when the kids are on visitation and at times I need to tag along?.
Thanks
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61
Dear Lori: As you can tell from these discussions, you are not alone. Losers chip away at your self-image (attractiveness), self-esteem, and self-confidence. Sadly, to maximize their influence, they exaggerate their stories and lies to use them against you. You’ll only hear their side of every relationship they’ve had. As I mention in the Loser article on this website, their purpose is to destroy your self-esteem to the point that you are easier to victimize and treat badly.
This is his lifestyle and his personality. While he may whine, act dependent, plead, and engage in all types of theatrics - he will always treat you the same way.
When you describe that “something special”, you’ve identified a major issue in Losers. In the early stages, the honeymoon phase, the relationship looks very much like it will be that something special. For that reason, as a normal person, we develop fantasies about how the romance will progress, grow, and eventually become a wonderful, happy life. The Loser begins to destroy those fantasies - then blames you for their destruction. It’s always your fault they are abusive, neglectful, or cruel. Your dream and fantasies begin to collapse. It’s like buying your dream house, moving in, and finding the foundation was built on quicksand.
People can recover from these experiences and return to a normal, healthy life. I’d also recommend reading my article on Love and Stockholm Syndrome. It discusses the investments we often have in bad relationships. Dr. Carver
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