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74 Responses to “Overwhelming Response to Threads on Relationship Losers”
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41
Dear Sally: In relationships, the quality of our life is related to the quality of our partner. Like a horse race, if we pick a “winner” – we win, and our life will be loving, supportive, and wonderful. If we pick a “loser”, the quality of our life will suffer. The Loser article is written to help people make better decisions. As a patient told me the other day, “I’ve bet my life on a dead horse.”
In a relationship with a Loser, victims experience loss but they aren’t Losers. Victims often lose time, investment, money, self-esteem, and reputation. The Loser is a personality disorder that won’t change. On the other hand, the victim, while experiencing significant losses at times, can recover and return to a healthy life. The key is often to identify Losers early in the relationship to minimize damage. This was the purpose of the Loser article.
I once saw a badge that stated “Better to have loved and lost than to be stuck with a psycho the rest of your life”. You may have lost four years. Some lose more than years of their life. A relationship with a Loser always produces loss of some kind. You can recover and move on, as others have done. You’re not alone in this situation as this discussion reveals.
Stay on the right course and recover. You’ve got a lot of life ahead of you. Dr. Carver
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42
[...] like this can be very destructive to your self-confidence and self-esteem. You may want to read the discussion threads on Losers, also on this website. You are not alone in your situation as over 270 entries will describe. Good [...]
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kristina
43Dear Dr. Carver: I have another issue that is difficult for me and could use your insight. Since my ex took our personal argument between us and brought it into my workplace (sent flowers to ex-gf who still works there to intentionally hurt and punish me as we fought about flowers), how does one deal with this since it/she is a constant, DAILY reminder of it all? This is more than emotional memory being triggered….this environment physically forces me to relive the events daily. The only solution I see is to remove myself by getting a new job – but this is a job I love and dont want to leave. If I did leave, he wins again as it is affecting me enough to have to react. I just want it ALL out of my life forever and am having difficulty reaching that point. Once I find a way to get past this, I’ll be stronger and much better off as this is the only remaining connection to my “loser” I still have. Thank you for your input as always.
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Sally
44A friend of mine has watched me helplessly during the past 3yrs. She has listened to me crying on a daily basis and has, like all good friends been there to support me. Yesterday she sent this email to me which really summed up the present situation — …
The Controller is an evil, devil-like wizard. He looks human but if anyone was to really look at him they would see a vile, deformed, twisted dark figure wearing a heavy filthy cloak under which he conceals many large fishing nets. These nets are invisible to those people who only see him as a human. But those who have seen him in his true evil form the nets are threateningly real.
He stands and casts these nets and waits for his next Victim. He is confident. Law of averages is that he will get a catch sooner or later. It doesn’t matter who he catches because whoever she is, he will change her into what he wants her to be. He is sooo lucky. It is all very easy for him.
When he catches his latest Victim, he will keep her in that net and take her to his Victim Pond. This is the filthiest most putrid place anyone could imaging — swirling fetid water and a stench so bad that the victim can hardly breathe. She has no life outside the Pond — not that you can call an existence in the Pond actually living. The controller is good at fishing. Every so often he pulls his Victims head above the water to allow her to breathe — — then she is back in.
Sally was a Victim — .but she realised she needed to get out of the Pond. She gently gnawed away at the net and over a long period of time created a gap and finally broke free. She started to swim for dry land but the Controller pulled her back. Again she started swimming and again he pulled her back. Again and again and again — — until finally she was on dry land. She washed and scrubbed and washed and scrubbed and removed every last bit of filth from the Pond. At last she started walking in the opposite direction towards A New Life. Oh what a beautiful sight!!!! A perfect little house, surrounded by lush greenery and the sun simply bursting all around it! Sally was so excited! She was free! She was clean! There was a future! And then she heard a cry. Another Victim was in the Pond!
Of course he would get a new Victim. And if this one drowned he would get another. Then another. And maybe if he was lucky he would have a couple at a time.
No-one can rescue these poor Victims except themselves.Sally, walk into the sunshine, don’t even glance back towards the Pond. Any contact with it will contaminate you again. You can’t save the Latest Victim anymore than anyone could save you. She has to do it herself — it is the only way.
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45
Dear Kristina: Your relationship with the Loser has contaminated your workplace. This is related to emotional memory as the entire environment is a bad-memory stimulus. I’ve worked with people who experience similar reactions when they are assaulted in their home, their home is robbed, or when a long-time partner dies and the home becomes a continuous memory.
To cope with this situation, several strategies are helpful. First, remember that the ex-glfd was used against you (flowers) – she didn’t send herself flowers. In that Loser relationship, a variety of things were used to manipulate and intimidate you – she was only one of many. Try to view her as one of many manipulations. If the Loser hit you with an object, you wouldn’t hold the object responsible. Second, the work environment is a continuous memory producer because nothing in the environment has changed. In bereavement, many folks must rearrange their house furniture, bedroom placement, pictures, etc. to return to their home. You need to repersonalize your office or work area as a reminder that things are now different. Get new pictures, new signs, new desk objects, etc. If we look at the same photo album each day, the memories are still the same.
Lastly, remember that your job is great but your past relationship is horrible. When traumatized at work, many folks have a very difficult time returning to the work site – too many memories. He used your job site against you and traumatized you on the job by his mean-spirited manipulations. The job didn’t do this – he did. Focus on your job and remind yourself that he didn’t steal your job – although he tried to ruin it for you. Use the emotional memory strategies as the job site will frequently cause you to relive the bad situation. Mentally place those emotional memories in a memory file cabinet – when a memory is sparked, for example, quickly remind yourself that it’s a “bird-brain” memory (or other descriptive humorous nickname for the Loser).
You can recover from this and enjoy your job again. Time is helpful but using strategies helps hurry the recovery. Dr. Carver
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kristina46
Dear Dr. Carver: Thank you so much for your professional insight. I truly embrace your perspective and words of support as you sincerely know exactly what I am going through and can relate to my (and others) issues like no one else (ie, friends or family) as an expert in these types of damaging relationships. To everyone out there in similar situations/relationships, I can’t stress enough how damaging to your inner being these types of relationships are from one who has lived it and is trying to recover, heal and move on.
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bill smith
47Dear Dr. Carver,
I had posted two times previously and have been in the detachment phase of the solution to dating a woman with borderline, multiple, and sociopathic personality disorders….and as you said with a side order of criminality. I must say that you were absolutely correct on the diagnosis. As a mental health professional myself…I initially was deceived by the early stage of their victimization. Like I said, I am in the detachment stage…and moved to ending the relationship because she started dating a new guy three weeks ago. I discovered this a few days ago….but has sensed this was happening. I am grateful that it is happening. That is validation that becoming boring, dull, sick with health problems, etc works. My issue today is that although the relationship is terminated….this person wants to continue an “exclusive friendship” instead of an exclusive relationship…..Imagine that!!! I laughed in my mind. However, I am a professional and need to protect myself.. This woman called me today asking for $250 so she has money to go away on vacation with her family…mother, father, sister, and daughter. I hadnt heard too much from her because she is almost totally focused on her new man. She still thinks the slot machine will pay off and is using all kinds of emotional manipulation, instilling guilt, euphoric recall, anything and every strategy she has ever used. In fact, she called me while taking a bath and was covertly sexual. I need to know how to approach this. The strategy has been working thus far. I have stated to her. Our relationship is over. you are seeing someone else. I know that you have the ability and I am confident that you will be able to get the money from someone else. I went further….I said…..just ask your family to loan you the money….I said what would your mother think of your request…you are dating another man? She said my mother would tell me that it wasnt right to ask for the money.. I said….what does that tell you….she said….I wont tell or ask my mother for advice…I do what I want. So, given this situation….and my desire to protect myself….and continue with the followup protection phase…Can you help me with the next strategy? Thank you… -
48
Dear Bill: I always warn folks that Losers, Abusers, and Manipulators try to keep people on “back burner” so they are readily accessible for abuse/manipulation if needed. Asking you to be an “exclusive friend” is the best back-burner pre-victim position I’ve seen so far. She’s coined a name for “back burner” positions. And the money – that’s pretty brash. She’s dating someone and wants you to help pay for it!
The problem with your strategy is that you’re still carrying on a conversation with her. While the slot machine isn’t paying yet – the electricity is still on and the lights are working. She is still being given an opportunity to try guilt, mother, a hot bath, covert and overt sexual references, and whatever comes next. All that conversation tells her she just needs a different strategy – and it will be coming your way. You need NO CONTACT as your strategy. A simple “You’ve moved on and so have I…goodbye.” If you’re saying more than three sentences in those contacts…you’re saying TOO MUCH.
You’ll need to pull completely out of the “helper” profession and protect yourself. In the above description, you’re trying to reason with her when in truth, she’s only interested in $250.00 – not your mom, her mom, you, a family outing, etc. If you give her the $250.00 then the debt becomes a “loser ticket” that she can use as a reason to call you for the next two years. You’ll get calls like “I just wanted to tell you I haven’t forgotten that money. What have you been up to?”
You still won’t get the money by the way.You’ve got to complete the final stage of detachment – No Contact. This is a highly-skilled manipulator – with a side order of criminality – so No Contact is your only safe option. Dr. Carver
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bill smith49
Dr. Carver,
Thank you for your advice. I will implement your suggestions beginning today. I will post the outcome so as to help others who may be reading this. No contact. No emails. No voice mails. The electricity is now shut off in the casino and the door bolted shut. -
Sally50
Way to go Bill !!! I am sitting right beside you on that positve train, and am going in the exact same direction. I hope the train moves at top speed with no bumps !!!
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