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74 Responses to “Overwhelming Response to Threads on Relationship Losers”
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kristina31
Dear Dr. Carver: My original post was on April 25th in which you warned me that my “textbook case” would eventually contact me again – You were right, he did. It’s been about 2.5 months since I kicked him out of my house for intentionally hurting and punishing me when confronted about an issue, and then yesterday I see his number on my caller ID — no message, no anything, but trust me…the harm had been done. Immediately seeing that, it put me into a panic mode, heart palpitations, etc…I just wanted to scream – I can’t even describe what it felt like to have that type of minor contact and yet, my reaction was overwhelming inside. The effect on me emotionally was tremendous and it just brought everything back like it all happened yesterday. All I want and need is to be left alone, to not be contacted by him, to never lay eyes on him again, to never be hurt by this man again. I’m trying to move on with my life for the past few months and be happy…And yet I feel that now I’ve had a minor setback – I’m back where I was – where I CAN be hurt again because he is still able to hurt me based on my reaction and emotions from just seeing his number. I feel like a prisoner…that I’m captive in this horrible painful place where he is winning and I am losing! I want to be numb and not let him have any effect on me, and yet I dont know how to do that. I feel like I AM the problem by letting him have this effect on me. I’m staying detached, but yet, this shows I’m not detached at all. Any words of advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
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32
Dear GT: You’ve had an experience with a master manipulator and the relationship form of Stockholm Syndrome. You’re correct that she has found a new victim and has moved on. However, she still has that sense of entitlement and feels she is justified in punishing you. Being so hostile toward you also decreases the chance you will ask her to repay any money you have provided. Keep in mind, she has already justified not paying you so you’ll need to just “write off” that money and move on.
You’ll also need to accept the fact that she will blame you and your daughter as she targets a new victim. The new victim will be told how badly you treated her…after all she did for you. That new person will suffer the same fate.
I’d recommend moving on. Don’t respond to any attempt on her part to reconsider the old relationship. That would be an attempt to place you on back burner again just in case the current target doesn’t like to “loan” her money. Just consider this a lesson learned and continue your activities with your daughter’s activities. Dr. Carver
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33
Dear Linda,
I mention in my article that Losers and Abusers are totally self-justifying in their behavior. These folks are so self-righteous and self-entitled that criminal behavior is highly possible. Your story is a good example of how Losers, in real life, have no “normal” feelings of love and compassion – even for their partners. It’s also an example of how they feel entitled to punish you in any manner possible. He didn’t steal your laptop because he needed a laptop, for example. He stole it to personally hurt you. When married to a Loser, they often destroy old pictures of the children or relatives – sentimental items that can’t be replaced.As you describe however, your loss if small compared to the personal, social and emotional losses you would have experienced with a continued relationship. Losers are social predators and he saw an opportunity to hurt you and took it. Now there’s no question about his character. You are now free to resume your life. If we think about it, most people would exchange a laptop for their freedeom. Dr. Carver
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bill smith34
Dear Dr Carver,
I had posted a comment a month ago about dating a loser borderline, criminal, sociopath, dissociative and histrionic woman for five months. I took your suggestions and have become very boring, dull, limiting interactions and contact. I notices a week ago she had her profile up on match.com. I printed out a copy of her listing. I was unsure if I should confront her about looking for another man….because I want her to find another victim quick so she will move on. I know she has me on the back burner…and is waiting to see if this new guy…if she has found a new victim yet…So, should I say anything about her listing on match…or not. I want her out of my life without doing damage to my career…I am a counselor and school psychologist. I need to know what is best for me…even if it takes a while…I can handle that….rather than her anger and destruction of my reputation. I am detaching, limiting my contact to 2 hours on wednesday and three hours on saturday. i am being boring, dull, complaining of being out of money, and having strep throat so as to avoid her wanting to kiss me. I have not touched even her hand in three weeks. Should I tell her that I know she was on match.com looking and wish her well as say goodbye or will that be counterproductive due to abandonment and setting off the alarm bells especially if she hasn’t found a new slot machine to pay off!!! I have a very good support system, a lot of friends, and am seeing someone in a different city. so…where do I go from here doc? thanks in advance for your feedback.
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35
Dear Bill: Losers only leave peacefully when it’s THEIR idea. I do not recommend confronting her with her new victim search on the internet. Losers have narcissistic pride and when confronted, feel entitled to punish you in any manner available. You need to protect yourself and your career. Your current detachment plan is working well. Stay on this course. Once she locks on to a new victim she’ll disappear very quickly. Allow her to think you’re dull or whatever. You’ve very close to not only being free, but avoiding some significant damage that is often the result of an encounter with this type of personality. While she’s looking for a new slot machine, she hasn’t left your casino yet. Keep low-key and just watch her peacefully leave and move on. Dr. Carver
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36
Dear Kristina: Your story is a perfect example of why I strongly recommend NO CONTACT once you’ve made your break from a Loser/Abuser. The problem here is Emotional Memory. While you’ve successfully detached from the Loser – your brain contains thousands of memories of intimidation, anger, temper tantrums, anxiety, fear, etc. All those feelings are linked to this individual. Any activity during the day can trigger those memories of him that then trigger a return of those feelings. This neurological mechanism is called Emotional Memory, something I have researched and written an article on – available on my website at http://www.drjoecarver.com
Most importantly, when Emotional Memories are triggered, we return to that emotional state. There’s a song in the US by Kenny Chesney with the line “Everytime I hear that song…I go back!” It only took his number on the caller ID to return you to that emotional state of distress and fear. Combat vets get the same sensation when they hear a loud noise.
Losers almost always recontact their victims as in truth, they don’t care how you feel or what they did to you in the previous relationship. On the positive side, he’s “fishing”. The call is an attempt to see if you’re still available for victimization. Don’t call him back. Ignore it. If he calls and speaks to you, be strictly business – no anger, no chats about current events – just “Please don’t call me again” and hang up. The Loser actually hopes you’ll call and verbally blast him, like an obscene caller wants you to get angry. That would give him the opportunity to offer a manipulative sob story and apology, ending with “I wish I could make this up to you…how about dinner?” Then the hell begins again.
I’d read my emotional memory article. At this point, he’s fishin’. If you have no response, he’ll move on. He’s just checking his “back burner” opportunities. He must be between victims.
You’ve made it out of hell, so keep going. Dr. Carver
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kristina37
Dr Carver: Thank you for your response – your feedback is great support and does help me to keep focused and out of THAT hell. I will try your techniques to help resolve the emotional memories. I totally agree that the call was made to get me to react somehow (most likely by calling him back to see what he wanted) and then next thing you know, we would be talking little by little, and then I would be right back where I was previously as if nothing ever happened (similiar to many many times in the past). That call was made for HIS selfish motives and was made based upon HIS agenda – He never truly cared about me…why would he now. I refuse to be on anyone’s backburner, or contacted because he is lonely or bored or between women, victimized again, or be any part of his life period. I’m moving on because I deserve much better than the hell, otherwise known as him, I’ve lived for years. Thank you again!
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Sally38
Hello Kristina, I have been reading your story and Dr Carvers answers. Your situation and feelings are almost identical to mine. It has given me such strength to know that I am not the only one out there, going through similar torment. I still think about the Controller several times a day, but with negative feelings and I can’t even bring myself to use his name. I dread the day when he will inevitably contact me and I will have to confront my promised challenge that I will never reply or contact him ever again. I hope I am as strong and focused as you sound.
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kristina39
Hi Sally, Even though I may sound strong, everyday is a challenge but it does get easier over time and I’m doing much better than I was a few months ago, and better than I’ve been in the last 5 years of being with him. Part of me wants to blast him and wish him a life full of misery and horrible things, but in my heart and head, I already know that he will always be miserable and a “loser” no matter who he is with or not with – it’s inevitable. So my wish has already come true! Dr. Carver is so correct that the best method is to completely detach yourself or you will always have some connection with the potential for the cycle to begin again. I dont know what happened in your personal life Sally, but know that our “loser” men have lost….they lost it all. Hope it was worth it for them! Best wishes Sally and Dr. Carver, thank you so very much for helping me stay on the right track when I need it the most!
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Sally40
Why do we use the word ‘Loser’ ? My abuser was definitely out there to ‘gain’ in his narcistic manner. If you were to ask him if he was a loser he would emphatically deny it and would probably say that he wouldn’t stick around to lose anything. Which of course is why he couldn’t wait to get his claws into his next victim. Its ME who feels the loser. I lost 4 years of my life and probably another year to get back on track. A ‘controller’ he definitely is. Maybe its because I am from England and ‘loser’ has different meaning in America?
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