“Overwhelming Response to Threads on Relationship Losers” Comments, Page 3
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74 Responses to “Overwhelming Response to Threads on Relationship Losers”
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Skyla
21Thanks Dr. Carver,
I think you are right, I haven’t heard the last from him in regards to getting to me.
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22
Dear Pat:
As you discovered, the Losers I describe in my article have shallow emotions. When they form a relationship, most of their emotional investment is in what they can get out of the situation – not their partner. For this reason, if the relationship fails, they have minimal emotional investment and can quickly move on. It’s like buying a $300 automobile and driving it for many months. If it stops working, people say “I didn’t have much invested in it anyway” and look for another car. They don’t bother to try to fix it, send it to the shop to see what’s wrong, etc. These same shallow emotions allow them to target their next victim very quickly and fall in love all over again. When 80% of your “romantic love” is for you (narcissism), it’s easy to start a new loving relationship. You don’t have to put much emotional investment in it.
As I mention in my article, the rapid warm-up is a classic sign. You mention being “swept away”. In reality, things that sweep us away are typically floods, hurricanes, tornados, etc. – all disasters.
From his standpoint, you will be on back burner. Each contact is a measure of his opportunity to victimize you again. Are you polite? Do you chat? This could go on for months or even years.
He’s not likely to make some dramatic return however. It will be more subtle and manipulative than that. It typically goes 1) I miss you so much, 2) I realize I treated you poorly, 3) I can’t believe I’ve done this, 4) I see everything in a different light now, 5) I don’t deserve a good person like you, and 6) I don’t want us to be enemies (and you should invite me for dinner!). Once back into your life – the hell starts all over again. Keep in mind, he has no problem destroying your life, self-esteem or personal situation.
Move on with your life. If you get one of those calls, remind him that he now has valuable information about himself to use in his next relationship. Wish him good luck and hang up.
Dr. Carver -
Pat
23Dear Doctor Carver,
Thanks for your reply and reassuring advice. I can see that part of the way these people keep a hold on their victims is by intimidating them and he certainly intimidated me. I had all sorts of scenarios going through my head thinking that he might do something violent (or get someone else to do something violent)to me or my property just to get back at me. I was worrying that he might think “If I can’t have her, no-one will”….
You’re right though…I don’t think he’ll do anything dramatic. He’ll just subtly try to get back into my life by saying all those things you mentioned. As long as I’m prepared for this, I can cope with it.
I will take your advice and just be short and sweet with him if he does try to contact me.
All my friends and family are so relieved that I’ve had the sense to get out of this. It’s only now that they can tell me, they didn’t know how to when I was with him.
Thanks again, Doctor Carver. Your article really helped me to see things clearly because I understand his psychology now and it gave me back my confidence in my instincts.
Pat
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24
Dear Pat: We all have instincts and what I call a “jerk alert”. Both sound an alarm when we’re confronted with a behavior, situation, comment, etc. that doesn’t make sense. The Loser specializes in turning that alarm off, or discounting the alarm. For male Losers, when we ask why they aren’t allowed to see their children (an alarm!)they describe how their ex has brainwashed the children and rather than traumatize them, he’s elected to keep his distance until they can realize how much he loves them. In truth – it’s a restraining/protection order!
Your family and friends never left. They floated overhead like guardian angels until you emerged from captivity. Keep in mind that Losers also float overhead, only like vultures. Keep your guard up and your family and friends close.
Keep any contact short and sweet and get shorter and less sweet with each contact.
Best wishes on your release from the nightmare. I’m happy to be a small part of your recovery. Dr. Carver
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Pat25
Dear Doctor Carver,
I’d just like to say thankyou again. I will definately keep any contact I have with him very short and not sweet. Like you say in your article, I don’t want to give him any hope or indication that I might be softening up or might go back to him.
Pat
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rhys
26hi dr carver
my ex-partner and mother to our 4yr old boy has borderline characteristics and fits a lot of the ‘loser’ criteria too. i get blamed for everything, she is openly abusive and aggressive, and she has been violent.
i know that she had a very difficult upbringing and my research on BPD leads me to conclude that she is emotionally stunted and has difficulties with adult responsibilities.
i feel sorry for her and this is probably my co-dependency problem coming out, but the fact remains that she is struggling on her own and needs help. should i try to get back with her? or, what is the best way i can help her?
thanks
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GT
27Hi Dr Carver – I am 100% sure that I am the victim of “Stockholm Syndrome” with a personality disorder person before aftering reading your article. I thought I have found a very best friend which understand and always be there if I needed help. Why when I tried so hard to make our friendship work but somehow something is just not right. Why she did so many things that she did and at that time didn’t make any sense to me. Trying so hard to keep my friendship alive with her for the sick of my daughter’s dancing but now know it was doom from the beginning. My family didn’t like her and told me she was crazy but yet I thought my family was breaking us up. I thought they were jealous of me for having a good friend and confide in her almost anything. It was the worst 3 years of having a friend I thought was sincere and trueful.
It started in June 2003 during a pageant and talent contest for my daughter. The “loser” daughter was in the contest as well. We got to know each other. During the contest, she would offer me help like making sure that my daughter costume was pretty and advising me what to do. She contacted me so often to advice. When my daughter were selected to represent Singapore in Las Vegas for this contest, I got calls from her asking how was things with me when I was in Vegas. My daughter is a dancer and soon she coax me to let my daughter partner her son. After I came back from the trip, I agreed the partnership. She got very attached and calling me in-laws saying his son was in love with my daughter. Beginning was just like “honeymoon”. Helping my daughter with makeup, hairdo and costume. Buying presents for my whole family. Keeping in contact with me everyday to ensure that I am doing ok. The “Loser” and her son were very concerned about us. The “loser” started to scold her son if there was some trouble with their dancing and made me feel so bad. She did a lot of nice things that made me feel so obligated that I will pay back my guilt by buying things for her children. Paying for their meals. Inviting them over for lunch or dinner with my family. But my family just don’t like them — .they could see what was happening. The “Loser” family started to come to my place so very often, let her children stayed over my place for weeks. Whenever I have a family outing or picnic, “Loser” family will appear out of the blue to join in. My family was rather annoyed by their presents so I have to arrange different outing sessions, one with my family and one with her family. She would always request for my time with them and I was really caught in between at times. She started to tell us what to wear and what to buy.
She kept all my daughter’s costume telling me she would wash and repair them. Then she started to get me to pay for items which she said will pay me back later. During local or overseas competitions, she would get me to book hotel first, she said will pay later and never did pay me since I first met her. Get her children to whim in front of me those things they would like to have eg. Handphone, MP3 player, gifts etc etc. Every friends’ birthday gifts bought by me (supposed to spit the share) never got paid. Each time when I mentioned the money owed to me, she would come up with some excuse to pay me back later. Forgetting to bring her wallet to buy things was her usual excuse so that I got to pay for her first. The money just accumulated. She would tell me how terrible was her brought up. How terrible it was during her divorce. How bad her ex husband treated her. How strong she is now that she will be verbally and physically becoming violent if anyone stand in her way. She told me how she hit her brother-in-law when she learnt that her sister became a prostitute cos’ her husband didn’t provide her enough so resort to such job. Then she started to fault my daughter everytime she fall during dancing even it was so obvious that her son was at fault. I felt trap and silly at times but I just couldn’t let it go cos’ I felt my daughter has came a long way in her dancing. I though I got a “Good” friend that help us with makeup, hairdo and costume. She started to tell me bad things about people around us. That makes me so distance from everyone. I just don’t know who is good or who is bad — .I just listened and trusted her. My daughter and I wouldn’t dare to mix around, we just smiled at people and kept a distance from everyone. I felt she is controlling me, I couldn’t breath but yet why did I cling on. Then she eyed another victim and started to pay attention to that girl. I had withdrawal symptoms, like longing for her to call. Wondering what had happened. Texting her telling how far our kids have came in dancing and just don’t want anything to happen to their partnership. I was confused and my feelings were like a roaster coaster. She dropped her calls to me and beginning verbally abusing me and my daughter. Criticizing her dancing and finding fault. She was paying so much attention to the new victim she found. That is where I consulted my friends and they could see what was happening to me. I begun to plan my exit route with the help of my friends. I find every opportunity to give excuse and exit peacefully. Yes — .and finally me and my daughter were free. She went into breakup panic. She would try to call me and text me to tell me how sad she was, she cried when people start asking her what happen. From the help of my friends, they told me to ignore all her calls and messages Without response, she started verbally abusing me with messages and emails. Threatening me to bring the matter to my daughter’s school regarding some blog site that was posted against her son which is not done by my daughter. Threaten to have a confrontation with coaches, friends, me and her. Telling a lot of lies to get me back again. A whole lot of threatening messages and emailed were ignored. And all these finally stopped after a while. But now, her new victim has begun to partner her son and we all just know that it will be another cycle again. I was just hoping with this article, and your response of my experiences and the type of person, those people around this “Loser” somehow will pick up my article, read about it and understand what they are going thru. After the break up, I started to be myself again, happy, outgoing with lots of friends. I can also discuss what I have gone thru with my family and also print your article for them to read. I found out too that a lot of people has been victimised by her before and during my time with this “Loser”. I know of some people still keeping contact with her, guess she is putting these people on the back burner. I know of a person now very attached to her and looked very depressed, low self-esteem, no confident and just look very down. I just got to look helplessly at him till he gives me sign of an exit. Now that she is back — .I am just fearful that she will take revenge or intimate me and my daughter. -
GT28
I mean I am now fearful that she will take revenge or intimidate me and my daughter cutting her off and she will find us a thread for her new victim.
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29
Dear Rhys: When you talk about getting back with her, I think you know what that relationship would be like – more of what you’ve already experienced. A return would place you once again in the cycle of crisis, drama, blame, outbursts, etc. For this reason, you should think about what is the best situation for your 4 y/o son.
I think of it like flying on a commercial jet. If the pilots are arguing, irritating each other, and threatening to jump from the aircraft at a moments notice – the passengers are in danger. If one pilot is unstable, asleep, ill, etc. – the other one keeps everyone safe. Your son will need a stable influence in his life. You are his stable pilot in this case.
As he matures, he will need a voice of reason, responsible adult, and protector. That service may be best provided at a detached distance from your ex-partner. You can provide help and support without joining in the chaos.
In dealings with the ex, assure her that you are available to help your son and to share in issues related to him. Keep the focus on “how can I help you with our son”.
If her instability increases, there is a good chance your son may be coming in your direction over the next couple of years. You should make contingency plans for that event.
Dr. Carver
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Linda
30Hi Dr. Carver,
I’m writing to update you on my latest issue with my loser. I went on my vacation like I told you and I’m sure you can guess what happened while I was gone. “Someone” broke into my home and stole many items from me while I was away. There is a very long story that goes along with this but the short of it is I filed a police report and gave them all of his information. I also had a voicemail on my cell phone when I returned (I didn’t take it with me on the trip) from him admitting he broke into “our” house. I gave that to the police also. The most devastating item he stole from me was my work laptop that contained 3 years of scientific research I had compiled. Much of which I didn’t have backed up becaused nothing like this has ever happened to me before. Anyway at this point he won’t admit to anything and the results of the lie detector are inconclusive at this point. The police are sending the graphs off for analysis right now. None of that really matters to me anyway because I know who did it and I know he’s perfectly capable of passing a lie detector. At this point the police don’t have enough to press charges but I am working with them to try to get him on this. I don’t need any advice I just wanted to let you know how things were going. The good part is I definitely hate this man much more than I ever loved him and nothing he does from now on can change that. I begged and cried for him to give me my laptop back and he was completely unphased by my distress. When I think of how much he could have taken from me if I hadn’t followed your advice I am grateful for how little I’ve actually lost.
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