Comments on “Overwhelming Response to Threads on Relationship Losers”
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76 Responses to “Overwhelming Response to Threads on Relationship Losers”
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Sally10
I was involved with a controller/loser for 3 years and ended the relationship in April 2006. Your article was the single most useful therapy I have had. I answered ‘yes’ to 18 out of the 20 points you described. Since then he has pledged his love for me even though he is now living with another woman and her 2 small children. He tells me what he does and says to her and I see her moving ever nearer to that Black Hole. I feel I want to warn her before its too late. This would be possible to do anonymously, as I have her email address. Should I? Can losers ever be ‘cured’? Can anyone tame them? He sent me a text today saying that he loves me and wants us to live together and relive all our good times. I know that this would be wrong but I can’t cut what feels like an umbilical cord between us.
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9
Dear Skyla: If we can’t put things in the hands of an attorney, then we keep all situations “business”. No small talk, chatter, or talks about our personal life. Just business details related to visitation, child support, etc. The minute they ask about our personal life, the discussion ends.
You can’t exclude a person from child visitation, even if they are a card-carrying Sociopath (or Antisocial Personality in psych terms). You can restrict visitation and custody due to BEHAVIORS often found in sociopaths however. The courts can change visitation if they are aggressive, abusive, neglectful, or irresponsible for example. It’s often helpful to keep a logbook of calls, behaviors, suspicions, etc. If a Sociopath is on best behavior around the child, there is probably not a lot that you can do except keep them at a distance from you. Make all discussions about the child very short. There’s a good chance the Sociopath is more interested in keeping contact with you rather than the child. If you are all-business and can’t be manipulated, the Sociopath often moves on.
Sociopaths can make you feel crazy…and at times act crazy. While creative normal folks think “out of the box” - a Sociopath doesn’t have a box. They think and behave totally differently. They have few boundaries and for that reason - the healthy person must construct a box around them - set our own personal limitations, be “business”, set boundaries for them, set up consequences (law) for boundary violations, etc. Society recognized this hundreds of years ago - and developed prisons for the criminal offenders. Society made them a “box”.
Your story is a good example of how a Loser keeps ex-partners on “back burner” and may return at any time. They typically use guilt, blame, and charm to return. In his case, he focused on the child when getting to you was the true agenda. Recover from this intrusion, reset your boundaries, and return to business as usual. I’m sure you’ve not heard the last of the Sociopath. Dr. Carver
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Skyla8
Hi Dr Carver,
I posted a while back about my ex partner of 5 years who is a sociopath. Thank you for your advice!. I found myself sucked back in by him about 3 weeks ago in a moment of weakness and him being very charming. I feel really silly, after all the boundaries and restraining order I had set up. I am now putting all those boundaries back in place, but he is making me feel so guilty in regards to seeing our child. I am going to set up a communication book for us to talk and hopefully smooth things out again. Prior to this we were emailing which was useless.
In the last response to my question, you said to put everything in the hands of my attorney, I can’t afford to do that. So in that case what would you suggest doing?.
Silly question, but is there any known way of getting a sociopath out of their child’s life for good?. I have offered to cease child support, so he no longer has to pay but the offer was rejected.
Also is it normal for a sociopath to make you feel like you are going crazy?.
Thanks for all of your work!, it’s fantastic having a professional who knows so much about sociopaths and their workings. It is amazing how many psychologists do not know very much about them.
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7
After reading many of the posts i got confused that what things make a person “loser”. And what’s worse is that I find that I have some of the characteristics that describe a loser myself, or at least I used to, before I’ve gone through rehab, after that, my whole life turned around.
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Monda6
Dear Dr. Carver:
Thank you for reply. May I suggest that you take better notice and care as to how you may come across to a person that is describing a situation you lack particular technical knowledge in before giving a medical opinion.
My greatest challenge has been overcoming the harm caused by professional mental health experts who are intellectually ignorant about destructive cults, thought reform, and speciafically how destructive cults operate. And more so, how this becomes even more complex when adding the unaddressed dynamics in the African American community.
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Stress… NO… Anger…Yes…Animosity YES.Destrcutvie cults produce circumstances surrounding their vicitms where the victim is blamed for being a vicitm.
A second chance is not on my agenda. It is through the criminal misconduct and harrassment by this man and his family that any unwanted contact is maintained.
He has borderline personality disorder. It is hell getting rid of him. He continues to compare his mother to me and make it look as if she and I have something in common. I truley despise and dislike his mother. I will not have any involvement with this man at all.
Nevertheless, I am taking steps to recover. And I look forward to a happy and healthy future.
Dr. Carver, Thank you for all that you do.
Best Wishes,
Monda
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5
Dear Monda: In response to your specific question, should a victim of abuse or a crime have direct contact with the perpetrator for the purpose of understanding, healing or giving the perpetrator another chance. In the vast majority of situations I’ve seen - No. By definition, if you are the victim of abuse or a crime, contact with the perpetrator provides that person another opportunity to victimize or intimidate you. People who are criminal and/or abusive don’t look for understanding - they look for opportunity. Giving them “another chance” is giving them another chance to abuse you.
As a psychologist, I am concerned about the content of your story. The thoughts and beliefs you have would be highly upsetting and stressful. A history like yours will likely produce problems with sleep, focus, and concentration. You might want to consider consultation with a psychiatrist to discuss the stress you’ve experienced over the past several years. No matter what situation we’re faced with, we can often reduce our level of stress with professional mental health support and care. Dr. Carver
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4
Dear Kathryn: You’re definitely on to something with Qualify Love. I agree that we provide our children with lots of academic education but very little in the way of emotional or social education. While teens talk like adults and can do most adult things, they have no adult-world experience with people. Most teens, for example, don’t tell their parents much about their interaction with their boyfriend or girlfriend and for this reason, don’t know if that interaction is “normal”, healthy, controlling or even abusive. By keeping the relationship private - or confiding only in another teen who has the same level of inexperience - the teen is at risk to be victimized. Some early education would certainly prevent a lot of heartache.
Preventing the crazy high of mindless love? I doubt it. It’s helpful to remind them that the “crazy high” of love can be experienced with good and bad relationships. If we are more careful who we select as a partner, that crazy high can continue in a healthy manner for a lifetime.
By the way, I saw your television appearance. Thanks for speaking out. Dr. Carver
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Monda3
Dr. Carver,
Also, most of the vicitms in this cult and the rape perpetrated against women do not realize the methods used are called serial bullying and the words such as it took 3 1/2 years of study, and he was taught until the age of 40, all are indications of the methods used in this cult to abuse and keep members entangled in the web of lies inside this cult.
It took 3 years refers to the time limits associated with civil compensation, and the age of 40 is usually the end of someones ability to realistically advance in their career if they become consumed and overwhelmed with the bullying harrassment.
This man a long with most of his male family members has several women who have had children and/or allowed for him to sexually molest them based upon the lies of the cult that his father was a Messenger of God. Which amounts to sexual assault and rape. I am convinced that this man is a rapist and in the perfect position to hide and give him full range to sexually assault and abuse.
They are also practice wife swapping, where the men share the intellectual and emotional experiences of each others celesterial wives. The leader of the cult has attached himself to me as well.
I cannot believe this man entered my life and has caused so much emotionally and health related harm.
I never knew someone could be so very vicious.
In all of their religion, it is forgetten, that I am someones daughter, sister, future wife, and mother although not in their group or with their men.
I am someones future mother…
One never in life, this is it, never again.
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Monda2
Dear Dr. Carver,
I am the crime target (victim) of a borderline psychotic hiding behind religious cloth at present who is stuck on stupid inside of his mind in a power struggle with me. His family are very bold and arrogant in publicly harrassing and disrespecting me. This Borderline has stolen my work for years and is walking around his religious circle wearing my persona and mannerism. He continusly imples that I am his mother and he will stop the abuse and compensate me if I submit to his sexual harrassment and have his baby.
What is most puzzling is that this man never really found me to be sexually attractive, nor have I ever really been attracted physically to him. I do not like men with eating disorders. My initial encounters with him went so fast that I am just now having the time to really think about how busive and disgusting this man is a long with the disgust surrounding his mother who helps him to victim women inside of the cult.
His obsession with me is strictly maternal and deeply imbedded envy and jealousy. As he continues to label me as nurturing and his mother. He also continues to compare his borderline mother to me.
I have also made it very clear that I will prosecute to the fullest extent of the law when he progresses to the next level of stalking which is to come out of difficult to prove that he is stalking me via(cyberstalking/mailfraud/illegal wiretapping)across state and federal lines and begin appearing in person.
I have never been involved with this man or a man like him, and if I can say one never this will be it. I do not love him or want him or any association with him, his family, or religious cult.
I understand that when being targeted by a borderline serial bully; the underlying mental illness involved and deeply imbedded core thoughts associated with the projections on to innocent targets of bullying by the bully, that the only recourse is for the target to just leave the situation for good, because there is usually an entire environment that is predicated and supports or operates via bullying tactics such as in
destructive cults, and usually individuals who need to dominate and have pathological power and control issues usually can be found in positions giving great ability to abuse others.I will never forget the words of the borderline cult leader incorporating into his speech “you are made to struggle” and witnessing many people stay in abuse based upon words like these…
Personally, I’ve been the target of abuse, hate crimes, and gang stalking by this borderline abuser along with the support of his family for nearly 5 years. The abuse continues as of today with the suggestion by him that I overlook and forget everything that he is and has done to me, along with his delusions that I will have a relationship of some nature with him. My words to him fall upon his deaf ears, also he is convinced that my refusal and demands for him to leave me alone and his unwanted illegal contacts with me, stalking/harrassment,
are not my feelings but the influence of others telling what he deems as lies about him.Nonetheless, my experiences past and present are my guide in that I want him out of my life forever.
This borderline has slandered me for years and deliberately kept me from recieiving any justice both privately and publicly and is convinced that I love/want him. He continues to imply the delusion that I will have his child which is driving the massive harrassment I am suffering.
This BPD broke into my life via illegal and unethical means and hopes to continue to misuse his findings to manipulate an association with me. He even talks as if he knows me and is comfortable with me. The abuse at the core of his person is unchanged and words cannot express the degree of animosity I have have for him.
But, I am trying to remove all emotions and feelings. This person is such a turn off that to even feel animosity toward him is unwanted. I want to return to the days when I felt absolutely nothing for him. My religion and ethic community involvement days are forever over. As well as involvement with any men from his particular community.
He has plotted to twist/use my every word to keep from being held accountable for anything he has done to me. Even as I write this the deepest form of anger overcomes me.
I never hated this much before in my life. His organization has the audacity to tell me to forget and forgive him and lets all be friends. This man enjoys any hint of my discontentment and sadness.
I cannot believe how many healthy men I have turned down over being so focused on getting this borderline out of my life. I’ve taken your advice on how to spot a loser and not intentionally given any details of my daily life to this abuser. However, he has broken into my life and remains in such a manner that exempting him from my life is very difficult.
I also didn’t undestand committment phobia & passive aggression mixed in with borderline personality disorder.
If I can say one never again, this will be it, never again.
My question:
What is your professional opinion regarding a victim (target)of crime/abuse having any direct or indirect contact with the abuser/prepetrator for the purpose of healing/agreement/understanding or giving the prepetrator another chance at working on the relationship?
Thank you
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1
Dear Dr. Carver,
I have just finished reading all the threads to your site. Fantastic! Bravo! Thank you for all you do for all of us. I am so glad to see you discussing Stockholm Syndrome. I have this new phrase for what I think we can use to educate our young. Just as we tell them to avoid drugs, to practice safe sex or to wait until marriage, whatever each parent decides is right for their child…I want to add the phrase ” Qualify Love.” All this means is to KNOW who you are bringing into your heart and your life. If we educate our young children this qualification of people’s character will start with friends of our young and become a habit by the time our children are old enough to begin to explore romantic relationships. What do you think of this?. I know it takes out the crazy high of the mindless love but can save so many the torment of falling in love with an abuser.
Warmly,
Kathryn Keats
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