Comments on “Psychologist’s Description of “The Loser” in Relationships Rings True”
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89 Responses to “Psychologist’s Description of “The Loser” in Relationships Rings True”
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60
Dear Kristina: From your description, he fits most of the signs of both alcoholism and narcissistic personality. This can be a very abusive combination as the frequent excuse for abusive behavior is “I was drinkin’”. Once they provide the drinkin’ excuse, they don’t think anything more about it. The “I was drinkin’” is also used as an excuse for the lies, cons, nasty comments, etc. With this pattern of denying personal responsibility for their behavior, they can be very verbally abusive and mean, then ask for the situation to be forgotten and forgiven due to alcohol. They also tend to focus on the drinking as the reason for their “mistakes” and bad behavior when in reality, they are in truth a very abusive/narcissistic person who also abuses alcohol. Because of the alcohol abuse, he’s likely to recontact you at any time…promise anything or abuse you over the phone, then excuse his behavior the next day by saying “Well, I was drinkin’”. Prepare yourself. Dr. Carver
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kristina59
Thank you for your comments Dr. Carver. My ex has REPEATEDLY and CONSISTENTLY exhibited 8 out of the 20 warning signs you authored. I know you can’t diagnose someone based upon such limited information, but what would be your best educated guess as to what someone with so many of these behaviors and personality traits be considered….a “textbook case” of narciscism… borderline personality…just intentionally cruel? The one thing that keeps me going is the fact that he can no longer hurt me. He’ll have more “victims” in his life, but I wont be one of them. Thank you.
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58
Dear Kristina: You’ve been with a textbook case. Losers and Abusers are also con-artists and manipulators. If you protest about their behavior, they’ll often tell you they had planned a surprise trip to Vegas (or some other present) for you…but now that’s OFF. They intentionally try to emotionally or physically hurt you. As mentioned above, they feel entitled to punish you for daring to question their behavior. Take some time, and some counseling, to heal up. Keep in mind he’s likely to contact you again and offer to forgive you for YOUR bad behavior. Stay the course, keep detached, and get your life back on track. Dr. Carver
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57
Dear JJ: While couples are often mutually playful in loving yet unusual ways, his behavior toward you is aggressive and mean-spirited. Still worse, he has no concern for how you feel about it. Behaviors that are demeaning and insulting are similar to the verbal comments that are designed to lower your self-esteem. As I mention in my article, when Losers and Abusers don’t get their way, they feel entitled to punish you in some manner. When you protest these behaviors, you’re accused of not being able to take a joke. With his pattern, you can anticipate some type of punishment each time his immediate demands are not met. Dr. Carver
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kristina56
Dr. Carver: An addendum to my message above….
I neglected to mention that with his contact with me a month after this final incident, I could tell by his voice he had been drinking (I’ve heard it enough times to know). Also, when he showed up at my house, he had also been drinking. He doesnt even have the decency to make contact with me after all this, sober. Thank you for teaching me what a LOSER truly is. -
kristina55
Hi Dr. Carver: I would like to get your insight into a relationship I had been in on & off for the past 5 years, which is now over for about 3 months. It’s been a rollercoaster ride with him breaking up with me countless times (at least 20 that I can count) and for no reason, except maybe he drank too much that night, or didnt like what I did. Each time, the mean-sweet cycle would happen, we would starting talking again, and slowly the relationship would restart, but nothing ever got resolved. I know my ex is a substance abuser (alcohol) and have called him on it numerous times to no avail - he denies it…maybe will stop for a few weeks…and then always goes back . He works hard during the week, but he lives to drink and get drunk on the weekends to the point that he is too exhausted to drink anymore, or he passes out and cant drink anymore. Good times were few and far between and at times, he was good company to have. Over the past 6 months, I’ve accepted the drinking (I changed, not him), accepted him looking at porn (I have a disfigurement which makes me feel like I am not good enough for him and I can never be like they are (I gave up on that one also) talking to ex-es (I accepted that too) to name a few, but as time went on, these topics and others were off limits or else fights ensued. He also lies, and the last time I confronted him about it, he said that I’m the one who makes him lie and I ask too many questions. I’ve been blamed for many things and he never takes responsibility for things. He is a believer that the world is out to get him when things in his life are not going right. He is shallow, selfish, self-centered and as I’ve come to learn, emotionally unavailable. He has given me the silent treatment many many times over the past few years when something wasn’t to his liking - my punishment for whatever the reason was at the time. He didnt care about my feelings — when I tried to talk to him about how i felt about something (ie., not feeling wanted) at times, he would not even acknowledge that I had said something. His responses would be something totally irrelevant, and this has happened on several occasions. In my heart, I know he never really cared about me or loved me (as he said) as he would either ignore, or minimize, or devalue my thoughts and feelings, and for that matter, my life and existence. If the topic had to do with his job or him, he could talk about that for days. It got to the point that I would never even bring me or my life up as I knew it would get only a minimal response, if any, and then it always went back to him and his job or something in his life. I’ve given myself over to this relationship for the past six months by accepting that this is what it was and accepting things I would never have accepted. I changed myself for him. Needless to say, my self esteem, self confidence and self respect were gone. This man was destroying who I was, but I have to take some responsibility as it was me who did not want to be alone, and I thought having what I had was better than nothing. So many times I was told I’m crazy, or I’m too sensitive, or that’s not what happened (ie, flirting with others), or its cuz he was drunk, that I was no longer the person I was…an intelligent, caring, giving, supportive, loving woman who has alot to offer. To make a long story short, the final straw came on Valentines Day when I didnt receive any flowers for the first time in years and confronted him about it, without anger - only disappointment as I told him. He, of course, got defensive and hung up on me and I did not hear from him for 5 days. Then, I received a few panicky phone calls from him within minutes that he had sent a co-worker (his ex also) of mine a dozen roses in memory of her family member loss (which he knew for a month prior but decided to send “at the right time” when we were not on speaking terms and coincidentally, fighting about flowers). In my eyes, he was punishing me and he took a private disagreement and made it public by bringing it to where I work every day. He looked like a wonderful guy in their eyes, but only I knew the truth. (He also had threatened to send her flowers to spite me a few months prior during a previous disagreement). No phone call, no apology, no anything until about a month later at which point he started his message with “listen jerky” using the excuse that he was calling about a trip we had planned in the past, and his all too familiar I miss you, please call me. I did not answer his call, nor did I return it. Two weeks more go by and out of the blue, he shows up at my place in a limosuine (another thing we had planned) at which point he stated that she had no-one and I dont know what its like to have a family member die. No apology, no acknowledgement of my feelings or hurt, no nothing. He was only there to defend his actions, and within 2 minutes, I kicked him out of my house. I have not heard from him since. I truly believe this incident was the finale because in my eyes, he “intentionally” hurt me, it wasn’t something he had no control over, nor something that just happened, or didnt mean to do. It was pre-meditated, planned and completed with much effort as a card and money also came with the roses. Since this time, the emotional abuse that I KNOW I was going through for years is over finally! I feel much better about myself and am regaing my self-esteem and confidence back into the woman I was before this man destroyed my inner being, and am looking forward to dating and falling in love with someone who truly loves me (not just words, but shows it too). I have only the future to look forward to. And please, I do not claim to be perfect - However, I can say that I have never abused someone emotionally or mentally, nor have I intentionally hurt someone on purpose that I loved. Thank you for your feedback.
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JJ54
Ok, and I had a few more things to add:
About the whole intimacy thing. Whenever he comes close to me, I flinch up and he complains that “You don’t want me to touch you anymore!” Well, I flinch up because either he will pinch me very hard (I can’t even think of the amount of times I’ve asked him to stop and told him how badly it hurts) on my rear end, pull on my skin, dig his fingers into me, etc. I know this is gross but he’ll often try to put his finger in a private area and then try to wipe it on my face, or even pull my pubic hair. Sorry, I know this probably sounds gross but it’s truly something this man does. There was even a New Years where he wiped peanut butter on my face for the dogs to lick off after I had fallen asleep from too much wine. He was mad because we hadn’t gone out on the town. I know this is all horrible to read but I feel it’s something that needs to be known on this situation.
Thanks for your help,
JJ -
JJ53
Ok Dr. Carver, I’m back writing to you again.
I feel I’m getting closer to actually saying–”I can’t take this anymore, I’m going back to my parents house”
I don’t know why, but those words are hard to say but I feel they are getting easier.
For the past two nights he has gotten upset at me for when I go to bed. He asks why I’m going to bed so early (it’s 10 pm and I work at 7 in the morning–not so early, eh?). Basically, he’s mad at me because I didn’t put on lingerie for him. He’s mad because we haven’t had sex. He said he feels like he has to beg me for sex. However, as I know I’ve told you before he doesn’t seem interested or want to be bothered when his tv shows/games are on. It’s like I’m supposed to be a sex doll for his enjoyment. Like we’re only supposed to do it when he wants it. I am so frustrated. I am so tired by the end of the day so of course I want to go to bed at 10. He doesn’t seem to want to make any compromises either. I’ve asked him if we could have an evening where it’s just us–no tv, internet, etc–and all he had to say was “you make me laugh”. I asked if we could go to counselling to help us resolve our conflicts–he said “you’re the one who needs to go”. I asked if he could help me out around the house with some chores so that I’m not so tired, and if he’d let me go to bed when I want to go to bed (so that way maybe I won’t be so beat down and tired and might be in the mood)–and he said (of course) “You make me laugh, and well I guess we’ll never have sex again (because I’m asking to go to bed at 10) I know his actions regarding my “bed time” are extremely passive agressive. I’m so tired of being told “You don’t love me anymore” every time he doesn’t get his way. It’s like my husband is a ten year old child who’s emotionally blackmailing his mother because she won’t buy him a videogame.
Ugh!!
JJ
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Peter Weber52
Dear Dr Joe Carver,
My apologies for the insults, although my concerns about seeking the right kind of help was valid. I am learning to trust in your expertise, and do believe that the advice you are giving more recently is marked with huge improvement, considering you try to take everything into account, being objective and personal at the same time.
It’s amazing that you dedicate your hours to helping people from all walks of life with genuine issues not just people like to whinge for the sake of it because whinging can sometimes be as addictive as a nice cold beer and mashed potatoes with gravy and steak and watching the footy.Being born in an Indian, Sri Lankan, Pakistan or an oppressive environment is very hard for women where arranged marriages are everywhere, and abuse (honour killing, and disfigurement), kicking someone out of home is a part of the culture if someone does not conform. I wish more could be done to protect these women from such horrific situations. Women from special cultural minorities should have access to a an anonymous support group where they can share their experiences, and be given advice on how to escape their situation, and grow independently, under a new name and surname, in a different place where they can flourish, and still manage to find an ideal partner , but this is sometimes next to impossible and still causes conflicts between their traditionalist culture and Western ethics.
It is a pity that women are not protected from such violence, and that the penalties for such crimes are non existent.
Peter Weber
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51
Dear Michelle: Glad to hear things are going well for you. I can see your strength in your writing. As for the five bucks, we’ll call it even. Thanks for keeping in touch. Dr. Carver
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