Comments on “Psychologist’s Description of “The Loser” in Relationships Rings True”
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89 Responses to “Psychologist’s Description of “The Loser” in Relationships Rings True”
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Michelle50
Thought I’d update the situation. My ex has not written me since January. He tried a trick shortly after his last contact. That second time, he got through my filters in my secondary email by using his fiance’s account. I know the reason because I’d lived with his games for so long. He talked her into giving him her passwords just like he did to me (and she has *some* of his). She probably found the very brief correspondence between him and I and questioned him. So he emailed me from her account to elicit a response so he could say to her, “See? It’s a gliche!!!” I didn’t fall for it. Just up and deleted the message and let the whole situation drop.
It’s been about 3 months now and no word from him. So my Mom and I won the bet. Granted, we both dealt with losers and I learned from her how to deal with it all. (She’s an amazing woman with incredible strength and love of life. I’m proud to say that I take after her!)
I know he might try to contact me again in the future. I’m prepared for it. I’m not the type to beat around the bush. The best way to beat some losers is to keep that wall up, and point out where they make no sense. Not being rude, but just being factual. (Like, “Why are you contacting me? I thought I was dead to you.” And, “Knowing what I do about *said program*, I highly doubt that.”)
I’ll consider that $5 bet more than paid for by the advice you’ve given. Thanks so much.
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49
Dear Peter: Where to begin? You’ve linked me to increased attorney salaries and BMW’s to child behavioral problems and early death. I’m not sure how the strippers got in the discussion…maybe they’re driving the BMWs. Obviously, this is an equal-opportunity rant forum.
Contrary to your opinion, people don’t wake up one morning, read my article, and decide to leave an abusive relationship. The decision to leave a relationship is very difficult and the individual considers all issues such as health of the children, change in lifestyle, work, and financial concerns. The victim of abuse has typically tried those things you list - they’ve tried working it out, talking with their partner, tolerating it hoping it will go away, and seeking advice. They try to understand the situation as much as possible, often bringing them to this website and my articles. If you Google “abusive relationships”, there are 1.4 million resources. I don’t know of anyone who takes marriage or the end of a relationship as lightly as you describe.
You seem to suggest that folks struggle to stay in situations that are not physically or sexually abusive. Clearly, you don’t understand emotional abuse or the effects of being on the receiving end of those characteristics I list in my Loser article.
Child behavior problems, by the way, are not caused by single parenting but they can be found in abusive family situations. When you mention forming identities, an abusive parent makes the worst role model possible.
Your entry has offered another view of the issues in this discussion. I do appreciate that.
For the record, I’ve never made any money on my articles and responding to questions is part of my ethical responsibility. It’s all volunteer on my part. Like the other 1.4 million Internet sources - I’m trying to help. Dr. Carver -
Peter Weber48
Dr Joe Carver
Congratulations on making health professionals (quacks included) and lawyers like my colleagues wealthier and happier. It’s great that we have so much power over such people in families who need our help even if they are not in violently abusive relationships. I think increasing the number of divorce rates and single parents poverty does wonders for children struggling with their own identities. It’s allows disputes to be more intense and children to be alienated from seeing their father or mother, which leads to childrens long term resentment towards either parent and behavioural problems in school. This makes people like you so wonderfully employed and wealthier.While each parent must work 2 or 3 jobs to cover the losses, contributiing to their ill health, early death. Maybe you will make a profit out of that. Good on you for encouraging increased reliance on you. Instead of counselling people to change their language, and try to get along with one another you jump to identify anyone who has a complaint on this website to dump whichever loser they wish to whinge about whether it not the loser has done anything really wrong. Thanks for breaking down trust and communities and making professionals feel valued and able to make as much money as possible.
I am dumping my loser ex wife and five kids because she nags me all the time.
I can’t stand women who nag. I think she has some nagging borderline disorders. (But she has let herself go. She is fat) and I am losing interest in her body. (Sarcasm) The woman just had a child and is experiencing symptoms. I will give her time to recover. She is a not celebrity mum with a personal trainer. If I follow your advice I think all men should dump their loser wives if they suffer postnatal loser symptoms. All wives should dump their loser husbands if they ever lose their job. Down with losers. What a great idea. Did you buy your qualification off business for a good price. Maybe I could get one just like yours and offer some of the same kind of mediocre advice to help my divorce lawyers friends ( I might even get commission)Long Live Divorce and Quacks who think they know everything, like how to underhandedly extort people !!!!!
I agree with you that people should free themselves from violent relationsips where there are fatal risks. But I think you should choose a new career and become wealthy divorce lawyer you will make more money from it, and have more power and feel like you are helping everyone, especially if you get to drive them around in you newly bought BMW to nice places.
There are better doctors and counsellors than you. There are losers who bully other people in every field of work particulary doctors who bully nurses, or nurses who bully nurses, and old people are bullied by aged care workers to eat food with salmonella poisoning. Reduce abuse amongst both parties. Losers are everywhere people. But there are different degrees of losers. They even try to give “professional” advice. Learn to help each other out before you give the brain-dead tag “loser” to anyone. they even sometimes give “professional” advice.
The institution of marriage is a joke. No wonder people marry and divorce within less than a day or a month or a year. They don’t work through the good and bad. They don’t have time out from each other’s behaviour. Divorce is the only solution. Divorcee is a fashionable word and an excuse to have a flashy divorce party where I can hire strippers to relieve myself of the boredom of monogamy (Just Kidding!!!). I should go into divorce law I would make a lot of money from these suckers you have on the internet complaining even if they weren’t physically abused or sexually abused. You are wonderful. I love that you give me the opportunity to bag my loser wife because she can’t cope with 5 kids and nags. Lets dump everyone who cannot cope ( I am being sarcastice. But there are crazy lazy spouses who just like to rant on your site because you apply the no-brainer term loser to anyone they whinge about.
[Personal insults deleted -- Managing Editor]
Love from your number one fan!
Peter, with a low tolerance for rubbish!
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47
Dear Sura, Emotional memories are something we all have in common - good and bad. However obsessive thoughts, self-harm, racing thoughts, preoccupations, etc. are usually related to a clinical depression. I would recommend considering the use of an antidepressant medication. We have some that are also helpful in self-harm behaviors. You can obtain these medications from your family physician or by referral to a psychiatrist. It’s clear to me that your mind is running too fast. My website has a handout on “Chemical Imbalance” that will explain why medication is the standard of care at this time. It’s at http://www.drjoecarver.com
Remember: we can be mentally healthy in a room that is upside down…as long as we remember the problem is the room…not us. When visiting your family, be interested in, if not entertained by the way the family operates. Watch the activities as if you were going to write a college paper on what you were seeing. Be polite and non-hostile, visit your family, and return to school.
You are not becoming the person you hate…but you risk becoming a person WHO hates. That’s not good. Hate is an emotional cancer that can infect our personality and life. Talk with your counselor about options rather than hating your family and/or your situation.
Hope this helps. Dr. Carver -
Sura46
Dear Dr. Carver
Thank you for providing that link for me. I am a psychology student and I am familiar with what you showed me as I have studied that in class.
It has become immensely difficult for me to be able to block out the memories. I have tried to relax, I have tried music…Ive ran out of ideas.
I was home alone a couple of weeks ago for the first time in months and I was sitting in the living room alone and this is just one of the places where I have bad memories regarding my mum and sister - I saw the entire thing being replayed in my head. I felt sick and I tried to sit outside in the garden to get some air but cos I am so used to being kept in the house I began to shake and I ran inside crying.
I wanted to block out these memories so badly that I self-harmed again, or at least I attempted to but I couldnt do it properly. I then resorted to drinking alcohol. I had vodka with coke - as my culture forbids females drinking alcohol, my system wasnt used to it and I felt ill. I felt anger with myself and I made myself vomit. I have no idea what I can do to stop these memories from ruining my life.
It doesnt help that when I look at my mum and sister they automatically trigger off the hatred that I feel for them and I am begininng to become the person I hate.
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45
Dear Lila, Recovery from an abusive and controlling relationship not only involves detachment from the abuser, but emotional recovery as well. As you review what happened, don’t give yourself a hard time or feel you were weak because you didn’t detach earlier. Controllers put a lot of effort into eliminating escape options for their captive partners. They often control the financies, cars, prevent you from working, move you away from friends/family, etc. It’s for this reason that I recommend an escape plan that may often take many months to develop.
I’d continue to seek counseling support. You may also need treatment for depression due to the overwhelming stress. Dr. Carver -
44
Hi Mack: Good to hear from you again. As you described, Losers actually feel entitled to punish you - by any means available - when you dare confront their behavior. If you’re able to watch the behavior and manipulations objectively, they are entertaining. A client last week was told “I just thought you should know that I’ve deleted you from my cell phone directory!”
You’ve also discovered that logic doesn’t apply for these folks. Logic is a reasonable strategy or reaction for a given situation or event. Abusers and manipulators only have a type of selfish internal logic that’s often unrelated to the true situation. Using their “It’s All About Me” interpretation of events, they don’t see the same event you see. That’s what allows them to punish YOU for questioning their abusive behavior.
Yes, you will still get twinges of emotional memory from time to time. With each twinge remind yourself that you are free and your life is full of options now.
I’m not sure what I’m going to do with the ten bucks. Since he’s likely to call you again, to offer you “one last chance”, that would be fifteen bucks…wow, this could add up.
Glad to hear you are doing well. Have fun. Dr. Carver -
Lila43
Dear Sir:
I just want to add one more thing. I am tired of being treated like dog meat.I never knew how to stop this relationship. The councilors have always tried to help me, but I was always weak and never took the advice. I do not want to be the boy calling wolf any more. I, me, want this finished and done with.
thanks again
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Lila42
Dear Sir:
I have been with a man for 14 years. I am finally fed up with his treatment towards me. I just don’t care any more. I have lost many jobs because of him. He has made me fear him in many ways. He has told me that he is seeing someone new, that he likes someone better because they have a job and that they do volunteer work. He has also hit me. I feel so sick inside. The last time that he was here I hardly talked to him. I didn’t realize at the time that it was a good thing. I am glad that I did that. I always thought that he had to be the one to leave me. I didn’t know how to handle it. I am glad that I have read your work. Thank you. I know one thing. I am not worthless. I can survive.
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Mack41
Hey Dr. Carver,
You didn’t bet on my situation, but I probably owe you $5, or maybe $10: my ex had got in touch with me again a couple days before I last wrote to you. After blowing me off for a month and a half, and then rudely dismissing me again a week after I’d drawn the line, he declared I had been so out of order (ha!) that he hadn’t cared to communicate… but now he still wanted me to link him to one of my online networks and show me some picture. How random is that. Well, I thought about it, and since I barely use the site anyway, I didn’t see any problem. It would have been like you said: seeing an old acquaintance on the street.
Upshot: the photo was irrelevant. The issues remain unaddressed. And guess who’s suddenly cut the network link and gone missing again?! Yes, he sure has, lol. So there’s your $10!
Must confess I’ve been trying to find some logic (like, did I embarrass him by rearticulating my values? is this all gross ineptitude rather than mal-intent?)… but there isn’t any logic. And that fact — that there’s just no logic — just blows my mind.
What you said this week, about people like that offering “forgiveness” and “probation” and “being gracious” — dang, you nailed it again! It would indeed be entertaining if it wasn’t all so stupid!
I have no urge to go seek him out though; he knows what the appropriate channels for contacting me are, and if he chooses not to use them, chooses to ignore the issues I raised, and also chooses to be (you’re right) manipulative, rude, and guilt-trippy — that’s his choice to make. My choice is to be true to myself and my worth, and not settle, regardless of the pressure. It’s sure been hard trying to play football with someone convinced he’s playing hockey. So no, I’m not going to be available for that again, if that’s what he’s thinking/hoping… I really can do much, much better.
I’m feeling pretty cool most of the time; I’m putting my energy back into refreshing myself and focusing on what I’ve been called to do. But occasionally I just look at the situation and it’s so pitiful-dumb that I feel a bit sad… But I really have done what I can, and I’m not going to make excuses for him anymore — he needs to own his own junk just like I own mine. Getting over those sad twinges is just gonna take time, right? I did, after all, see the end coming if he didn’t improve… and he didn’t.
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