“Psychologist’s Description of “The Loser” in Relationships Rings True” Comments, Page 2
You are currently browsing page 2 of comments on the article Psychologist’s Description of “The Loser” in Relationships Rings True.
You are currently browsing comments. If you would like to return to the full story, you can read the full entry here: “Psychologist’s Description of “The Loser” in Relationships Rings True”.
89 Responses to “Psychologist’s Description of “The Loser” in Relationships Rings True”
-
Sura
11Hey Dr.Carver. Thank you for taking time out to answer. I am aware that I might be suffering from depression. I have been self-harming for a year and have been feeling suicidal. My family are not aware of this.
My family denied me access to counselling after the split with my ex happened saying that I did not need it. This is when I resorted to self-harm as a way of coping with the taunts and with the situation in general. Especially during the period when I was placed under house arrest for about 5 months. I have however, been seeing the university counsellor behind their backs cos I feel the need to express myself to a neutral party. I couldnt talk to my family without getting my head bitten off or getting sworn at.
I would like to ask you some questions about my mum and one of my sisters who I have major issues with. Mum compared me to a prostitute after discovering that I had a bf and after the split happened I lay at her feet to apologise to her and for shaming the family. She has always been controlling of me. I have to always call her to let her know when I am coming home from university and I am not allowed to go anywhere else. I got my hair cut one day without her permission and she reduced me to tears saying I looked ugly and called me a witch when I was 20 at the time. She told me she decides how short my hair will be. Occassionally she talks about my marriage to my sisters and doesnt include me in the equation and I feel sick. She knows deep down I dont want one yet she still implies that I am having one. Just recently she made me swear on my dead grandad’s soul that I wont do anything to harm the family honour which left me speechless. She likes to talk about family honour every chance she gets to me. Is this cultural or something more?
My sister I have major issues with. she watches my hotmail and my other accounts. she calls my mum everyday and they have a bitching session about me. whenever she calls me to the phone I feel sick and start shaking. She is totally like my mum and when the pair of them get together I am always on the receiving end of taunts, even when I dont say anything. They use the ex incident as ammunition against me. My sister has threatened physical violence in the presence of my parents who say nothing, she swears at me and she has got physical a few times with my mum standing there, encouraging her.
I think it would be best to get out of situation but I am scared of my family coming to search for me. I am not sure how to take this leap of faith and just leave. I was wondering if one is in an abusive situation and they want to get out, how would you encourage them to take that step? I am still wondering if I am making the right choice or not.Thank you.
-
12
Dear Saramia: You describe how your father shares your concerns about your ex-husband obtaining custody. It’s also clear that your father feels the need to contribute and help in your situation, especially related to your ex.
From your description, your father is not siding with your ex. Instead, he is encouraging you to clean the house and do things that will prove your competency as a parent. Custody battles often form over issues related to housing conditions, child supervision, influence of others in the home, etc. Your ex will be looking for issues to bring to the attention of the court or to use as intimidation. Your father sees these issues as well and is encouraging you to fix these so they can not be used against you. He’s doing what he feels is appropriate.
Where your father is running into trouble is his style. He sounds like a rather blunt fellow who is rudely reminding you that if these issues are not fixed, your son will be living with his father (something Dad doesn’t want either). He may not have the social skills to be more polite about his concerns. I don’t think your father will be saying “Now dear, we don’t want your ex showing up with a video camera when the house is a mess. Let’s clean this up so the court will be happy.”
Keep in mind that in these situations, you will have a sense that everyone is watching and criticizing you. It sounds like your father is on your side…but he’s a tad gruff in expressing his concerns. If his concerns are valid, politely disagree with his style or presentation, not his concerns. Dr. Carver -
13
Dear Sura: Parts of your situation are cultural – and parts are probably not. I’m sure you are aware of the cultural differences – many of which are creating issues for you at this time.
Family control is an issue across almost all cultures. Parents often become the teachers or enforcers of the culture. To control children they see as violating or testing cultural norms, they frequently use guilt and family pressure. Children who do not conform are often labeled with a bad title. In the US, such children are often considered the “black sheep” of the family. It’s also not uncommon for families to use nasty names, especially if the issue is related to sexual behavior or romantic relationships.
The issue with your sister is also common in all cultures – sibling rivalry. Your sister is using your situation to gain additional status with your mother. Young children often tattletail (inform on) their siblings in hopes of being the favorite child. This is common so keep in mind that sharing your opinions with your sister is probably not a good idea.
Many people change their cultures or mix their cultural beliefs & behaviors over time. For some, rejection of their culture or family beliefs can result in rejection by the family. For others, the family reaction may be more aggressive. You need to weigh the risk when thinking about a possible exit. If you elect to detach, you should work with your counselor to develop a safe strategy. Guidance from others who have made the cultural transition will also be helpful.
Dr. Carver -
Mack
14Hey, Dr. Carver. I’ve been trying to reconcile your counsel (to have no post-break contact) with the Christian concept of grace, and it’s not an easy reconciliation.
My initial question had actually been about patterns where someone just goes missing for weeks at a time i.e. more than a month, and then shows up again as if everything’s fine, regardless of the other person’s objections. I can’t do much but call it abandonment, since that’s how it felt to me. I’ve also read it as a fairly extreme form of pursuit-distancing. That make sense to you?
I did make my values clear to the fellow, and I won’t be compromising on them. He knows who I am and I believe he’s now shown me who he is, puppy dog tears aside (he hasn’t taken any responsibility at all, btw, which as you’ve said isn’t surprising)…
Perhaps idealistically, I’m suggesting that in milder cases, one might not always have to cut the person off entirely — but I’d certainly need to hold my corner. It is hard to take him seriously, though, and I don’t trust his word. There’s no basis for my kind of friendship there right now, but I don’t see why I shouldn’t still be able to acknowledge him or be genuinely cordial. Did I misunderstand what you said? -
JJ
15Hi Dr.,
I found your article in a therapist’s office about two years ago and have held onto it ever since. It really brought tears to my eyes, as most of the charactaristics of the “Loser” fits my husband perfectly. It hurts to know that someone I love so dearly is actually such a destructive force in my life.
I dated him for about 7 years before we married. We are still currently married, have been so for about 2 years. Before he proposed, I was prepared to leave him but I just didn’t have the courage. But then he proposed (I had never threatened to leave) and now we are married and I feel even more stuck. My husband is very emotionally controling and is very passive agressive. He makes me feel like I need to ask permission to do things–for example, if I want to go to the gym, he’ll say something like “Don’t leave me”. So I feel guilty for wanting to go. So when I ask if I can go, he’ll ask why I’m asking permission. He constantly tells me that I don’t love him anymore, and that his dog loves him more than I do. He gets upset at me for going to bed earlier than he does, and once again asks why I’m leaving him and why I don’t love him anymore. Once I’m close to falling asleep, he’ll come in the bedroom and have the dog (a big dog) jump on the bed and play. Sometimes he’ll even rub the slobbery dog toys on my face, and when I tell him to stop, he’ll say “Why, you let the dogs lick you face what’s the difference?”
I’ve tried on numerous occasions to talk to him and he blows me off. He tells me he’s watching the game or a tv show and to leave him alone. I’ve suggested talking to a therapist or priest, and he tells me I’m the crazy one. I’ve started to tell him mother and sister what he has done just because I’m so desperate. It’s like I want them to know what he’s like so that if and when I leave they will know it’s not my fault.
I have also came up with “exit strategies” such as saving money, where to go but he always seems to make nice after a few days and once again I am reeled in. I guess we are lucky that we don’t have children but we do have several pets, which I would lose if I were to leave. I think that is part of my problem, that I am so attached to them and would hate to take them to a shelter and know that they would be put to sleep.Thanks,
JJ
-
Sura16
Thank you soo much for your advice so far. About my sister, she does try to score a lot of brownie points with my mum. Mum tends to talk about her alot and it does my head in. “N*** thinks this…”, “N*** says that” – I just blend into the background but I dont mind.
I dont share my views with my sister. There has always been this barrier there between us and she always looks down on me and since this ex thing has happened, she acts like she is better than me in every way.
The last time she came up to visit, she made my life a misery all weekend. This gave mum an excuse to give her a list of all that I had apparently done wrong. I did not provoke this verbal attack in anyway and I stayed silent til it got too much and I fought back. This is when the threats came from her and my mum and dad stayed silent. A lot of arguments happened that weekend.
On the day she was supposed to leave, another fight erupted and I angrily said to her “drop dead” to which she replied “after you b*tch”. Her and mum had a gossiping session about me and I heard it all from the landing upstairs. I self-harmed as a result as I heard them say “I wish she would get lost”. I refused to say bye to her when she left. Her car crashed on the way down south to England and I felt nothing. If anything, I felt she deserved it.
She came away with some bruises and I actually felt sad that she didnt suffer more injuries. I have become a very stone-hearted person as far as they are concerned. Is this bitterness the result of how they have treated me? I was never like this before but now I feel nothing but hatred and anger when I see my mum and sister.
-
17
Dear Mack, Maybe I should clarify the “no-contact” by saying no “personal” contact. It’s fine to be cordial and polite. It’s a problem when the contact includes personal information about you, the past relationship, your plans, a personal meeting, etc. Individuals I describe in my Loser article don’t have Christian motives when they contact you. Quite the opposite, they use contacts to gradually warm-up for the next round of abuse or manipulation.
Superficial contact, like meeting a school classmate on the street, is fine. I don’t recommend discussing old times over coffee or dinner.
All religions warn us about the problems with bad people. In the Christian Bible, Jesus kicked the moneychangers out of the temple. We can forgive them – but keep them at a safe distance.
Dr. Carver -
18
Dear JJ: There are many strategies for manipulating others and guilt is one of the most common. You’ll notice that leaving him never comes up when he’s watching a ballgame – it’s only when you want to do something that he can’t control.
I’d recommend reading my Stockholm Syndrome article, available on this website. You are invested in the relationship, making your situation more difficult.
Keep in mind that an exit plan can be maintained for years – only activated when the situation is right.
Dr. Carver -
19
Dear Sura, Bitterness and a cold-heart are directly related to how we are treated. Verbal and emotional attacks make us form a hard wall of anger and resentment in self-defense. Sometimes this self-defense generalizes to the point that bitterness and anger become part of our personality. This is not good.
A better approach is to recognize that your mother and sister have “toxic” behavior toward you. You can develop a specific strategy to deal with them – a strategy that activates with any contact. This is better than making resentment and anger part of your daily personality. I’d recommend reading my “Emotional Memory” article on my website at http://www.drjoecarver.com It describes how memories of arguments and family conflicts can be toxic and distressing.
On the flip side, the fact that your mother and sister focus so much on your life and your behavior tells us that their lives are probably pretty dull. It seems that you’re the one with the exciting life…something that will make your sister even more jealous.
Dr. Carver -
jj20
Thank for suggesting the article on Stockholm Syndrome, it was helpful.
With him, it seems that there is always something on TV to keep him from any type of serious talk about our relationship. Besides, I am the type of person to not bring up anything unless there is a problem, i.e. during one of his passive/agressive tantrums.
Yes, he is a very controling person and nothing ever seems to be right. My hair is never blonde enough, I don’t wear enough makeup–you get the picture. He critiques my friends and family members. If I make dinner, he sometimes won’t eat it because it isn’t what he wanted to eat so he’ll get his own takeout. He also complains that I don’t wear lingerie enough, but when I put something on he’ll make a comment like, “That’s what you put on?” in a real negative tone. He does this all under the guise of “I’m just joking, don’t you know that?” so all of this just scrambles in my head and leaves me confused. Sometimes I feel that maybe it is me, he is just joking and I just am too sensitive.Thanks again,
JJ
The comment form is currently closed.
« Older Comments Newer Comments »