Comments on “More Personal Replies from Psychologist About Relationships with Losers”
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93 Responses to “More Personal Replies from Psychologist About Relationships with Losers”
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Belinda80
Dr. Carver,
I have just begun therapy and have been researching and reading all that I can about domestic violence and abusive relationships for nearly a year. I have been in my current marriage for almost five years. My last marriage was nearly ten years, but during my teens and twenties, I married and divorced three other times, all to abusers (except the first marriage, at age 17). My current husband has not hit me for over a year, because I finally convinced him that I would call 911. His career is the most important thing in the world to him and he fears losing this if he went to jail. Actually, this only seemed to make him hone his considerable skill at the verbal/mental/emotional abuse. I am deeply ashamed to admit that I have been married five times and I am 43 years old. Each marriage I entered seemed to be more abusive than the previous one. I know that something is terribly wrong with me to continue to attract these abusers and I am desperate to try to heal. I blame myself and am humiliated that I have never been able to attract (or be attracted to) a “normal” person. I feel as if I have literally ruined my life and have scarred my children for life because of this. I keep searching all of the personality disorders to try to discern what is wrong with me, so I can try to get help to fix it. WHY, WHY, WHY would I keep on picking these monsters? And does that make me a monster, too? Please give me your thoughts. Thank you. -
79
Dear Sandra: Get vindication - probably not. Develop an understanding - yes! Abusive and controlling folks brainwash their partner into believing the partner/victim causes their abusive behavior, their drinking, their coldness, etc. For all those years you were told he drank and was abusive because of how you behaved, the classic “You made me do it”. Keep in mind, he’s telling his next victim the same thing - first blaming you for his drinking and behavior, then shifting the blame to the new partner - the old “You’re just like her..that’s why I drink.” In truth - it’s alcoholism and personality disorder. These individuals drink and mistreat people, even when there is no one to blame. His behavior would be the same. It wouldn’t matter if you were a saint or a hell-raiser.
Your vindication may come from understanding that you have the possibility for a normal, healthy life - while he will remain bogged down in alcoholism and conflicts with others. His life will never change - conning a new victim, having that relationship fall apart - then moving to the next victim and starting all over again. Losers never accept responsibility will always blame those in their life for their dysfunctional life. You find them sitting in the bar saying “I’ve been married six times to people I couldn’t get along with.” They blame others. In truth - when you touch six different points on your body and it hurts each time - your finger is broken. You don’t have six defective body parts.
Keep moving out and away. It’s your only chance of a sane and healthy life. Dr. Carver -
Sandra78
Hi Dr. Carver
Why sometimes do I still feel like I was the problem in the relationship. He left me with the it was all your fault, while I am healing I still sometimes feel like I didn´t do enough for him
I was married to an alcoholic for 15 years and we seperated due to the drinking. I sometimes wondered was my ex an alcoholic but he didn´t appear to drink as heavily as my husband, but I did find myself back in al-anon and didnt quite know why.??
I am getting on with my life and I have no contact with my ex, he was the one who NC´d me. When I did try to contact him he accused me of stalking him??
I still find it hard to get my head around someone appearing so nice in the beginning could have treated me so coldly, I could kick myself at times that I stayed so long with him. He went straight to another woman, and I feel he just used me and just went on with his life like I never existed. I feel the only way I will recover totally is to get some vindication for what he did to me. Will I ever get it??
Thanks for your help
Sandra -
77
Dear Sandra: It takes your breath away…but there’s plenty of air. These individuals can also take away your self-esteem, financial security, family relationships, emotional health, and future. It’s like knee surgery…better to go through the pain and discomfort for a brief time than to limp the rest of your life. Dr. Carver
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Sandra76
Hi Dr. Carver
Thanks for your reply. I am healing nicely, and I now see this man as a pathetic loser, in all areas of his life. The last thing I need to heal and I still feel very angry about is, he made me look like a nutcase to the people he lived with, while he looked like the victim. The poor guy putting up with that mad woman?? and it made him look very attractive to his new supply.
I feel sick when I think, he not only used me sexually, financially, and emotionally, but used me to secure his new supply??? Ouch!! that hurts so much, it takes my breath away.
Thanks again for your help
Sandra -
75
Dear LK: It’s highly unlikely that he can change in six months. He’s showing signs of a personality disorder, not a marital problem. More importantly, he’s not interested in changing, he’s only interested in returning to his original relationship. The lies, manipulations, and hidden purchases are signs that he’s not interested in protecting you. He has no problems jeopardizing the finances, credit, or social reputation of the relationship. All his lies are directly related to the relationship. I hate to be harsh, but he’s easily meeting most of the list, telling you this is probably an unhealthy relationship for you. If the relationship continues, you’ll find that he quickly meets all the criteria in my article. It’s only nine months and he’s already given up on supporting the marriage. This will only get worse. Sorry. Dr. Carver
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LK74
Dr. Carver,
My husband and I have been married for nine months, and dated for about two years before that. I recently left him for quitting a job and lying to me about it for weeks. Over the past year that we’ve lived together, he has not worked and has shown almost no motivation in finding gainful employment. When I confront him about his lies, he maintains that they don’t directly affect me and therefore are no big deal. He has also lied about large purchases and previous drug addictions. The week after we separated, he tried to force me to make a quick decision as to whether or not I would come back to him. When I told him that I needed time to think, he gave me only 24 hours. When he didn’t like my decision, he accused me of not being able to make my own decisions and of letting my parents get too involved in my relationship (because I have occasionally talked to them). He claims that he can change within a month, but I maintain that it will take between 3-6 months and that I will not return before then. He is very manipulative and uses guilt trips to try and get his way. Are these signs that I married a loser? -
73
Dear Alice: Let’s see if I got this straight. He calls to make you feel miserable, calls you names, harasses you with phone calls, blames you for his misery, and continues to harass you when you’ve made it clear the relationship is over - and you think YOU are insensitive! By not accepting or tolerating his dating requirements, you have insulted his narcissistic pride. He now feels entitled to punish you with guilt, name calling, harassing calls, etc. He’s being more than insensitive here. He’s doing what he can to make you feel miserable for not doing what he wants. He’s also playing the victim role to the max. You’ve not been insensitive - you’ve been self-protective. You’ve recognized that the deal was emotionally damaging for you and then took steps to protect yourself. You’ve done what healthy folks do, separate from someone who is emotionally damaging to you. You made a good move. Keep going and use my detachment recommendations. There’s no point arguing with him as he doesn’t care about your side of the discussion. He will use any contact as an opportunity to emotionally bash you. You already are straight - just keep going. Dr. Carver
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Alice72
Dr. Carver: as are many people writing here, I am confused if my ex-boyfriend is a “loser.” I feel as if I caused the problem.
We dated for over 9 months, and during that time, he said that he wanted to be able to date other people. He was not ready to commit to dating only me. We did have a sexual relationship during this time. He said if I can’t handle it at any point, he would understand. I reached that point, and told him so. He argued that I should just learn to relax and let things flow. I said I wasn’t capable of that anymore. He called me two days later to tell me I was insensitive and that it was really bad timing. He said he had trusted me with all this personal information, and he regreted doing so now. Basically, I felt terrible. It is a tough time in his life, and I don’t want to hurt him. We did continue to talk periodically, and then I decided it wasn’t good for me, so I stopped calling. He did still call, but then he got mad at me for not calling. He accused me of not being a friend, of being selfish, of being all these terrible things, plus some name-calling. 7 phone calls in one night and 4 more the next day along the same lines.
I never fight back because a part of me agrees with him. Perhaps I have been insensitive. Perhaps I have been selfish. Set me straight, Dr. Carver. -
Ann71
Thank you Dr.Carver. I do want out of this 2 year relationship with this machevilli. He does care about me and want to be together, and, as I said before we enjoy good times together. We are not passionate, we don’t have sexual chemistry - that part of the relationship collapsed(probably with the 1st time when he forced himself on me, and it took me a year to realize it was about “his” pleasure mostly. He maybe so used to women falling all over his hunky self and smooth as Dean Martin singing and frisky personality that always makes the girls laugh that he perhaps never had to give a thought to his partners pleasure.
so, I will continue in counseling as well. I do want to end this, but, I don’t know how. I am afraid from the past comments he made that his friend wanted to know if he wanted him to “get rid of me”. So, there is a lot of fear and frustration on my part of not knowing how to end this as I said I’ve tried so many times. The last time was 3 months ago he got caught for petty theft and went to jail for the night. I did not go to court, but, I did stay in the relationship and for that I am sorry. I am in so deep. I want out but I do not know how to do it successfully. I WILL use the ideas on your article. I am going to start using them today. I do not want to move to another city, but, I may have to, so I have a lot weighing on me. Thank you
(p.s. franciso, thanks but no thanks for your less than trained comments)
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