Comments on “More Personal Replies from Psychologist About Relationships with Losers”
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93 Responses to “More Personal Replies from Psychologist About Relationships with Losers”
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Anna50
Dear Dr. Joseph or Dr. Carver,
I, like Francisco, desired to get back with my ex after we broke up. I have now realized that it is best that I am not with him. I have realized that he has damaged me so bad, that I don’t think I can be intimate with any one, or have a relationship with another man. My trust and self esteem have been damaged. I am strong. I don’t sit around depressed over what he did to me, but there are times that I burst out crying whenever I think of all the things he said to me while we were dating, or I cry if I hear someone on TV say something mean/cruel that he said to me while we were dating. I live in the same complex as him, and it is hard, but I just try to avoid him.He still contacts me despite the fact that it has been two years since he broke with me, and asks if I am dating anyone or if I have a roommate.Why do think he wants to know if I have a roommate? Thanks,
Anna -
Francisco49
Dear Dr. Joseph,
I am doing a lot better than before, I have not contacted her in a month and I do believe it has helped me move on with my life. I also have come to the realization that it is over, and that I deserve someone that will treat me with respect.
You are very right about these people having very shallow feelings, for example, when her grandmother passed away, she wanted to go to the store so she could look good for the funeral, I asked her if I could go with her to the funeral but she told me no. Also, one time her dad got into a car accident, so I dicided to take her, but then her sister called and said everything was okay, she starts yelling at me because if I was not with her, then she could have gone to her hair appointment.I am lucky I am a man and bigger than her, I am sure if the roles were reverse, she would be beating me on a regular basis. ON four occasoions when she got very angry at me, by looking at her I could see the devil in her, it is a look that I have never seen before, a look that told me, I am going to hurt you really bad.
And from my research and your articles, you realize that you are dependent on this people not in love with them because they just demand so much time with you. I am able to sleep okay, I dont have dreams like I did before of her, but my problem is that when I wakeup, I think about her, and I turn and toss. I hate this feeling, is there anything I can do to lessen it.
Finally, the more you seperate from these people, the more you realize how bad you had, but sometimes I catch myself wanting her back; but why am I going to return to someone that instead of loving me, made my life a living hell. Progress can only occur when you know the truth and I know the truth, which is life with her would be miserable because she was not the one meant for me. -
48
Dear Francisco: As I wrote to Anna, Losers and Abusers have narcissistic pride and actually feel entitled to make you miserable. When you defy or confront them, they will punish you in some manner.
While they quickly move on, they still retain the need to punish or continue to control ex-partners. Any contact with them is an opportunity to punish you. When you read their email or listen to them, that bad feeling you get (hurt, guilt, etc.) is the goal of the contact from their side. They never call to cheer you up. You’re right - they all use similar behaviors - thus allowing psychologists to identify the pattern and warn potential victims. More information can be found on websites discussing personality disorders such as narcissistic, histrionic, borderline, and antisocial personalities. Dr. Carver -
47
Dear Anna: While his behavior may seem to suggest that he’s still interested, he’s actually continuing his pattern of controlling and even intimidating you. With each contact, he has an opportunity to make you feel miserable, guilty, and to intimidate you. Losers are very mean-spirited. His patroling in your area is a way of telling you that he’s watching you and “always around”. He’ll be calling about people seen near your place, cars parked nearby, and to demand answers from you that are none of his business. The fact that he has a girlfriend is irrelevant to him as a Loser feels entitled to act in any manner they want. They have no loyalty and are predators of opportunity. You will need to detach almost completely as he feels justified to make your life miserable. His narcissistic pride has been hurt and he now feels he has the right to embarrass, stalk, and question you at any time. He’s up to no good as my father would say. This is not a positive indicator in any way. Dr. Carver
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Anna46
Hi Dr. Carver,
I meant to say I’m not sure what he is up to. He continues to contact me despite the fact that he has a new girlfriend. We live in the same complex, and he parks his car in front of my building or he’ll walk his dog around the area that I park.He continues to contact me online or by phone. I guess he wants to reconcile or maybe he wants to have me on the side. What do you think? -
Francisco45
Dear Dr. Carver, this is the second month that I have been separated from my ex. I have had no contact with her for a month, I think about her occasionally; however, I also now that my life is not meant to be with her, I deserve a better person that will love me and be there with me in the good and the bad times. My questions, is after reading the post and doing some research, it seems that these people move on very quickly after the victim stands up and says something to them that hurts their ego or their feelings, in my case telling her I was not going to kiss her ass. Then they get into quick relationships with other people, and make you very aware of it if you talk to them, it is as if they want to hurt you and pay you back for supposedly what you did to them. I know my ex, she clearly understands that the worse way to hurt me and punish me is by ignoring me and getting into a new relationship very quickly, to me this is just another form of manipulation and attempt to make me suffer and hurt me for supposedly breaking her heart.
Because of knowing this, I really didnt call her or begged her back. I stood my ground and I have not talked to her for a month, because I clearly understand that if I am going to better myself and move on and start a new life, I have to have not contact with that parson. Dignity and strenght are essential for moving on. Once you lose those qualities, I think you just break down and they have defeated you, and they will play with your head and make you suffer.Question for you, I had been with her for five years, and it didnt really surprised me that once we broke up she moved on very quickly because of previous times, I was suprise because of the reason we broke up, but in her eyes I did something very bad that showed her that I no longer loved her and that she had lost control of me. But the question is this, last time we broke up, why do you think my ex returned, do you think it had to do because of the time we had been together or because I just stopped talking to her. One thing I realized about these people is that they are all very alike, they use the same tactics all the time, and plainly put very dumb and they depend on us to make their lives better.
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Anna44
Dear Dr. Carver,
I’m afraid that he has already damaged me. I’m no longer in a relationship with him. He left me for a new girl, but he continues to contact me and asks me such things as: are you dating anyone, will you cheat with me, or when was the last time you had sex? He contacted me and asked me what I like to do in my leisure time? He asked me this after we broke up. I mean, this is something he should have known considering we dated. We live in the same complex, but different buildings. Sometimes he will park his car in front of my building or walk his dog in the area where I park my car. I’m sure what he is up to. Thank you for your help,
Anna
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Michelle43
You know… you are right. I did leave an open ticket without realizing it. I know I’ll never see any of it. I even told him that (months back), but with the statement, “Don’t bother contacting me until…” Argh!
We’ll see if he tries again within the time you stated. If you are correct, not only would I owe you $5, but I will also proclaim your ‘psychic’ abilities.
With the predictability of this guy… I’ve been feeling a little ‘psychic’ myself.
I’m definitely keeping my humor and my distance. I’m fortunate for where I’m at. All I need to do is review your articles, this forum, and MOST importantly, my old journal entries to remind myself of how lucky, happy, and blessed I am now!
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42
Dear Michelle, Put my five bucks on after 10 days yet before a month is passed. He considers you on backburner for the reasons you mentioned - his current living situation plus he owes you. As long as he owes you, he can use that as a ticket to contact you. He can also call and say “I just wanted to let you know that I haven’t forgotten about the money…by the way…”. An old American tradition was to leave a spoon from your home at the home of someone you visited (and enjoyed the visit). It’s an excuse to revisit with a sense of humor. Remember you make it clear that his next contact had to be about your money or possessions…he’s got a ticket to call.
Keep your sense of humor about this…and keep your distance. He’s probably not fully satisfied with his current situation and is exploring his options. When he calls in that 10-30 day period, just send me my five bucks! Stay on your recovery path. Dr. Carver -
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Dear Anna: He’s a Loser. He even has his diagnosis correct - Antisocial Personality. His physical aggression, harm to animals, and physical intimidation all point to strong antisocial features. Antisocials are highly manipulative and will say and do anything they need to in order to get their goals. He will also not change and will continue to damage you, physically and emotionally, if the relationship continues. An Antisocial personality has no emotional empathy and he cares for you, his fiance, friends, and the general public with equal disinterest. For an antisocial personality, others are only present to be manipulated and conned for something they need at the time such as sex, money, a place to live, etc. This relationship will damage you. I’d run the other way quick. Dr. Carver
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