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93 Responses to “More Personal Replies from Psychologist About Relationships with Losers”
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Michelle40
Well, I heard from my ex (the Loser). He contacted me in a roundabout way (which would get past any blocks I set up in my emails) early Sunday morning. I’m figuring his fiance was asleep given the time.
When I responded back, asking him why he was contacting me, especially since I was “dead to him”, he blamed a glich in a program. (This response having been timestamped at 5am today, which tells me he probably did it before going to work, again while his fiance was sleeping.)I know that program, and know that the odds of any glich pulling my specific email address are nil to none. (Also considering that the gliches that do occur are nothing of that nature.) I know he had to go to a specific screen and type in my specific email address. I told him that I highly question his explanation and left it at that.
Anyways…
I read the posts and questions people had and a lot of the answers do fit, as do the motives mentioned.
My fiance and I have a bet going regarding if this Loser will try to contact me again in the next few days. I said he won’t any time soon(as did my Mom, who has experiences with a Loser of her own). Maybe in a few months or years, but not the next few days. My fiance said he will. I figure, if we can get some humor out of it, then we might as well. Better than letting it bother me in some way. (Finding the humor in things helped me get through some really bad times and get past really bad memories.)
But my question is, why would he contact me now when he finally got his fiance to move in with him (in that horrible neighborhood and disintegrating apartment)? I know about this only because my brothers are part of a group that he’s a semi-member of and he apparently mentioned it. She just moved in a week ago or so. I would probably understand more if it’s been a few months, but only a week or so???
I would think that’s a little fast to see if I’m on the ‘backburner’ especially when I made it clear that I’m not interested in hearing from him again until he coughs up my money or possessions (which he made no mention of). Memories can be short when the person conveniently decides to ‘forget’ them.
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Anna39
Hi Dr. Carver,
There’s a typo in the beginning of my letter. I meant to say accepted not excepted; his offer. Thanks, Anna. -
Anna38
Hi Dr. Carver,
I dated a guy for about two 1/2 years, and I want to know if he fits the description of a loser. When we first started dating he was nice, and always invited me to his place, after about a month of dating he broke up with me. Then after a week he contacted me and asked me if I wanted to hang out. I excepted his offer, we hung out and eventually we started dating, again. Things got worse between us. We continued to date, but he would always criticize me or make mean comments. If we would go out together and I would take my car and drive he would tell me I’m a terrible driver, and make comments like, ” Look at how your driving, it’s horrible.” Sometimes when we would have conversations he would yell at me, and burst into a rage of anger; this would happen numerous times. Whenever we would engage in sexual activity he was very rough with me, and would jam into my vaginal area; causing slight pain or squeeze my breasts so hard it would cause them to be tender/sore the next day. Whenever I would give him gifts for his birthday he would respond and say, “Look what some girl has given me.” He would make comments to me like, your too dark, he would call me chicken feces, or he would say your lips are big, or are you on crack? This would come up whenever I brought up ideas to him; the are you on crack comment. These comments were made randomly at times. Sometimes when we would have dinner he would except calls and say, “I’m on a hot date right now. I’m just kidding. I’m just here eating food with, Anna.” Then sometimes he would tell me I’m naturally beautiful, which would confuse me considering all the other things he would say. Sometimes he was sweet, but at other times he would be so mean to me, I would burst into tears. He broke with me a lot. One night he broke up with me, and then the same night, 10 minutes later as I was crying he walked over to me, took off my top and laughed. Then proceeded to take me to the bedroom to have sex. We did, and I cried the whole time. I loved him, and I told him this a lot. He would reply, and say, “You don’t know what love is, or I care about you.” We finally broke up in 2005, when he messaged me online, and said,” I don’t know why you go after people that don’t want you.” You are annoying.” Yet, after telling me all of that he said, he wanted to be friends with me. I cried all night. I was a wreck. He got a new girlfriend, but he would still contact me and ask me if I’m seeing anyone, or if I’m having sex. Recently I told him I was seeing someone, and he responded, and asked if I would cheat on my boyfriend with him. I have witnessed him being cruel to animals, and he put in his profile online; “I’m antisocial, no one likes, everyone blocks me on AIM.” He still contacts me, and tells me I’m hot, and so forth, and invites me over his place. I forget to mention a couple of things in the letter about my ex. He is currently 30 years old and he is still working towards a bachelors after starting his undergraduate studies at 18. He has been working on his bachelors for 12 years now ;shows no desire to finish. He makes comments like, I want to date a women that can pay for my bills. Some of his friends belittle him, and have put him done in front of me, they seem to have no respect for him. He has gone behind my back and sabotaged my relationships with my roommates by telling them I’m weird. While we dated we lived in the same complex, and we currently still do. Before his girlfriend moved into his place he tried to get me to move out of the complex. Yet, recently he contacted and asked me if I have sex with him, and he would make comments like your hot, and you have a nice body. He even told me that he doesn’t like living with his girlfriend that he has been seeing for a year and half now. He told me that he wants her to move out. What is he up to? Do you have any advice? Is he just a really cruel person? -
37
Dear Karen: As I mention in my Stockholm Syndrome article, there are many things that keep us in an abusive relationship including money, guilt, a sense of obligation, etc. In your situation, it sounds as though you are highly valued by your boss, giving you some bargaining power. Your boss probably has little concern or respect for your personal life as her life maybe all business. You may try to educate her by making her aware of your need for a family & personal life. She may need to know that you can’t be an excellent employee if your personal and family life suffers due to the job. Abusive people tend to be very self-centered and she may never take the time to consider your position unless it’s brought up. BPD folks, for example, give that confusing mix of abuse followed by “I need you”. With these comments and behaviors, she has made a relationship with you and like any other relationship, boundaries must be identified and discussed by the individuals. All relationships suffer when boundaries are not clearly identified.
Despite your efforts, you boss may be unable or unwilling to change. You must then decide if the income is worth the on-the-job abuse. Dr. Carver -
Karen36
Dear Dr. Carver,
The most ironic and difficult part is convincing yourself you haven’t been the one at fault. They are very good at acting as if they are under full control and you are the one spinning out of control. I think in my situation, my boss is almost not human–maybe she is a BPD too. I feel as though I am invisible and could be replaced with anyone. I am the only one to survive my current job –the last 2 people up and quit and I have been very successful at my job (last 2 were not very good at all unfortunately). She tells me she will drive off a bridge if I leave or pull all her hair out–she wouldn’t know what to do without me but then ignores me for months. I can’t do my job alone and I can’t work all the time (33 hours of OT in 3 weeks) She emails me work very late on a weekend night to be done by Mon am and gives me big projects on Friday afternoon to review with her the following Monday. She is very abusive, says she doesn’t want to exploit me, but continues to do it. I need to know direct ways to set the boundries. I do really like my job and don’t mind working hard but not for someone who treats me like I am nobody. Help! I know I need to go but it is hard– she has a bundle of money and uses it to keep me at my job. There aren’t even other jobs at my work that pay what she pays me–I can leave but will take a significant (at least $10K) pay cut. Can you hear my shackles rattling? She now knows I have a job interview and insisted on doing my annual review a month early– she wants to offer me more money to keep me there. I shouldn’t sound ungrateful but it makes her trap harder to break free from. I am ready a book on emotionally abusive relationships and would never have guessed I could end up so weak and vulnerable. -
35
Dear Francisco: An abusive individual makes decisions based on what they need. If they sense they should move on, the size of the issue doesn’t really matter to them. The “breakup issue” is really an opportunity and excuse to blame you, as always, for the problem and end of the relationship. In blaming you, it allows them to contact you again, when they need something, to say you are forgiven and they’ve gotten over it.
Most individuals who fit my Loser characteristics have operated like this most of their lives. They are manipulative and calculating as part of their nature, just as they are hurtful and mean at times. When angered, they do plot retaliation and revenge and feel justified to punish you. Sadly, due to their personality problems, they feel justified in ALL their behaviors, no matter how abusive, selfish, or mean they seem to others. These justifications allow them to treat others in any manner they see fit.
Dr. Carver -
Francisco34
Thank you Dr. Joseph.
I do believe that knowledge is power and the more you understand your situation, it will be easier to move on. So thank you for your article, it really opened my eyes of how bad I had it.Do these people actually know what they are doing–do they plan how they are going to manipulate or control their victims, or do they do it subconsciously.
Finally, in my case, why would someone want to break up over small little things, we must have broken-up more than 50 times over small little things when she didn’t agree with something, they normally lasted a few days. What do you finally think made her move on, do you think it was because she finally realized that she couldn’t control me since on her birthday I told her I was not going to kiss her behind. Also the previous week, because I was tired of her always pulling the breakup card, I told her this was the last time I was going to see her, so I took all the stuff that I had in my house that belong to her and I put it on a trash bag and gave it to her. In the back of my head, I think that she broke up with me to punish and hurt me, because she is very vengeful and mean.
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33
Dear Francisco: Controllers and “losers” try to keep past sweethearts on the back burner, just in case their current plan doesn’t work out. They often contact you with no intention of getting back together - just to see if you’re still available for manipulation. From emails I’ve received, Losers can recontact you at any time, the record so far is about 14 years. They are always keeping their options open - just in case they need somebody or something. When they need something, they always remember they had control over you in the past.
Yes, she’s likely to contact you, but on her schedule and only for her purpose. You may get one of those just-seeing-how-you’re-doing calls that’s really a call to see if you are still a backup option for her. Your best bet, when you get that call, is to discuss how you’ve moved on with your life…then keep moving. We know how people are by how they behavior - not by what they promise. Returning to her would be more of the same.
You are right, she may be back, but only to provide more turmoil to your life, not to improve it. Dr. Carver -
Francisco32
Dear Dr. Carver.
I was with a loser for five years, and she has many of the points that you outlined. She was possesive, controlling, and very manipulative. When things didn’t go her way, she would pull the I am breaking up card, and we must have broken up like 50 times over little things, which had a devastating affect on me. There have been three times in which we broken up for more than a month but no more than two months, which includes this time. Last time she returned by telling me that the guy she was going out with raped her, and dummy me took her back–this time we broke up because on her birthday I told her I was not going to kiss her ass, she took it very seriously, to the point where I thought she had a nervous breakdown or a childish tantrum. That left me dazed and confused because she wanted to break up for something silly, but over the past two to three months, I had been distancing myself because I was tired of always being with her, having almost no control of my life, I was growing as a person and I was getting tired of her attitude. So I guess she finally realized she lost control of me, so that was a signal for her to move on. Which she did, two weeks later she was already dating someone else–her next victim. But my question, since she has returned twice, what are the chances that she will try to do it again? And like you said, if they are the onces that do the breaking up, they will drop you like a hot coal. It has almost been two months since we broke up, and I have only talked with her once in a month. I have made the conclusion that in order for me to move on with my life, I have to avoid her. But in the back of my head, my intuition says she will be back? Am I lying to mysef?
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31
Dear Karen, Your situation maybe a combination of both Stockholm Syndrome and emotional exhaustion. When we feel we are in an abusive relationship (marriage, family, job, social, etc.) we often find ourselves drawing closer to the captor. That produces a false sense that by loving and supporting the captor, we will be safer or protected. This is common in abusive marriages where adults with surrender their children rather than part with the abuser. Your attraction to the abusive supervisor may fit this situation.
As you describe however, you may also be experiencing a clinical depression. Abusive relationships burn us out emotionally and socially. When clinically depressed, the brain generates highly uncomfortable thoughts. Religious folks have a brain filled with profanity for example.
I would recommend seeking the support of a mental health professional. Also, If you have an opportunity for a new job and worry about her reaction, I’d prepare and Exit Plan that would allow you to quickly quit if her behavior becomes intolerable. I can assure you that the work situation will not likely improve from her standpoint - no matter what reaction you develop. You must save yourself in terms of a career and person.
Dr. Carver
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