My Name is Ellen: More From the Kathryn Keats Story
Held captive for 54 days by a partner later diagnosed with schizophrenia, she spent years in hiding with the US government’s victim witness program. Here, in the second excerpt from her forthcoming book ‘The Ascension’, singer and composer Kathryn Keats reflects on her recovery from the ordeal and on how it feels to have changed her identity.
Background to Kathryn’s Story
For more about Kathryn Keats and her remarkable story, please see our earlier article “Excerpt from The Ascension: The Kathryn Keats Story”, in which the singer and composer offers her first excerpt from the forthcoming book The Ascension.
My Name is Ellen, by Kathryn Keats
I was at the beach yesterday. I was there because I am lucky enough to live close to it. I am lucky enough to have two young boys who I can take there to play. As they wrestled I sat watching them and realized, for the first time in years, I was actually not afraid. I was able to look out at the ocean instead of anxiously keeping tabs on who was around me. I really am free. Or am I?
My thoughts were interrupted when a father joyfully called out to his little daughter, “Ellen!” I watched closely as she ran lovingly into his arms. My heart ached.
My father still calls me Ellen, my birth name. The name I gave up twenty years ago after changing my identity. It is very odd to have an entirely new name. Not to mention, that I have been married for quite awhile, so my changed last name often becomes, yet again, a different last name, because at the kid’s school they call me by my husband’s last name! Who am I?
This name Kathryn never really feels old. I never really know who this Kathryn person is. I know when I hear Ellen my heart hurts because the memories from my trial and torture are still so unprocessed. One day I know what I feel, and how, and why. One day, not a clue. I am way behind when it comes to actually experiencing the impact my past has had. I am just beginning to understand, with the help of others. Asking for help is, as we all know, the most difficult part. That old ego, no matter the work, is so resilient.
This I do know. My father named me Ellen after a little town in the wine country in California, Glen Ellen. He and my mother were visiting there while she was pregnant with me, her unexpected third child, and my father liked the name. My father still calls me Ellen. It feels good when I hear him say it. He can always call me that.
When I tell people my real name, they comment, “You are not an Ellen.” I look at them, never knowing quite what to say. What I want to say is, “I Damn well AM an Ellen. It is my name. My father named me. I grew up with the name! It IS my Name. It IS who I am!” I stay quite. Too much pain. Too many horrible nights. It was all so tragic. It was all so scary and scaring.
I choose to tell my birth name, now. I want to be found. I want to be completely free from hiding. I will find myself. I will find my way back to that person named Ellen. I will rekindle my relationship with the little girl who hiked every Sunday in the woods with her father. It will be significant to get past the feeling of confusing feelings that come up when I hear my birth name. It will mean I have overcome the shame of being a victim. I will be able to take full responsibility for being one. My head is ready. My heart is not. I will let you know when you can call me Ellen.
Questions or Comments for Kathryn?
Kathryn Keats may be available to reply to your questions or comments about her story, so if you’d like to have a say, please leave a comment using the form below. And if you’d like a psychologist’s feedback on Stockholm Syndrome, please see our earlier posting where Dr Carver is available to answer questions: “The Mystery of Loving an Abuser”.
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