My Name is Ellen: More From the Kathryn Keats Story
Held captive for 54 days by a partner later diagnosed with schizophrenia, she spent years in hiding with the US government’s victim witness program. Here, in the second excerpt from her forthcoming book ‘The Ascension’, singer and composer Kathryn Keats reflects on her recovery from the ordeal and on how it feels to have changed her identity.
Background to Kathryn’s Story
For more about Kathryn Keats and her remarkable story, please see our earlier article “Excerpt from The Ascension: The Kathryn Keats Story”, in which the singer and composer offers her first excerpt from the forthcoming book The Ascension.
My Name is Ellen, by Kathryn Keats
I was at the beach yesterday. I was there because I am lucky enough to live close to it. I am lucky enough to have two young boys who I can take there to play. As they wrestled I sat watching them and realized, for the first time in years, I was actually not afraid. I was able to look out at the ocean instead of anxiously keeping tabs on who was around me. I really am free. Or am I?
My thoughts were interrupted when a father joyfully called out to his little daughter, “Ellen!” I watched closely as she ran lovingly into his arms. My heart ached.
My father still calls me Ellen, my birth name. The name I gave up twenty years ago after changing my identity. It is very odd to have an entirely new name. Not to mention, that I have been married for quite awhile, so my changed last name often becomes, yet again, a different last name, because at the kid’s school they call me by my husband’s last name! Who am I?
This name Kathryn never really feels old. I never really know who this Kathryn person is. I know when I hear Ellen my heart hurts because the memories from my trial and torture are still so unprocessed. One day I know what I feel, and how, and why. One day, not a clue. I am way behind when it comes to actually experiencing the impact my past has had. I am just beginning to understand, with the help of others. Asking for help is, as we all know, the most difficult part. That old ego, no matter the work, is so resilient.
This I do know. My father named me Ellen after a little town in the wine country in California, Glen Ellen. He and my mother were visiting there while she was pregnant with me, her unexpected third child, and my father liked the name. My father still calls me Ellen. It feels good when I hear him say it. He can always call me that.
When I tell people my real name, they comment, “You are not an Ellen.” I look at them, never knowing quite what to say. What I want to say is, “I Damn well AM an Ellen. It is my name. My father named me. I grew up with the name! It IS my Name. It IS who I am!” I stay quite. Too much pain. Too many horrible nights. It was all so tragic. It was all so scary and scaring.
I choose to tell my birth name, now. I want to be found. I want to be completely free from hiding. I will find myself. I will find my way back to that person named Ellen. I will rekindle my relationship with the little girl who hiked every Sunday in the woods with her father. It will be significant to get past the feeling of confusing feelings that come up when I hear my birth name. It will mean I have overcome the shame of being a victim. I will be able to take full responsibility for being one. My head is ready. My heart is not. I will let you know when you can call me Ellen.
Questions or Comments for Kathryn?
Kathryn Keats may be available to reply to your questions or comments about her story, so if you’d like to have a say, please leave a comment using the form below. And if you’d like a psychologist’s feedback on Stockholm Syndrome, please see our earlier posting where Dr Carver is available to answer questions: “The Mystery of Loving an Abuser”.
Other articles by Kathryn Keats
This article was last reviewed by Dr Greg Mulhauser, Managing Editor on Monday, 3rd April 2006. You can leave a reply below.
The URL of this page is:
http://counsellingresource.com/features/2006/04/03/keats-ellen/
12th June 2006
I think I went to school with Ellen. Her mother was my English teacher in Indiana. She saved my life with her kindnes and encouragement. Ellen, do you remember visiting in the bus station in Tennessee. I was on the way back to the Army and you were heading to New York. I always remember your talent from musicals and such in High School. You and I have a lot in common. It’s been a long journey for me to find myself and heal from the past as well. Godspeed dear friend.
15th June 2006
Yes, yes, It is me. What a wonderful thing to hear from you. You are correct in expressing how wonderful my mother, that profound and inspirational teacher was. We were all so lucky to have her.
I wanted to tell you, as well, that Mark Monroe and I are still, to this day, working together. Oh what a good day it is to have heard from you. We have to talk!
Kathryn(Ellen)Keats
4th August 2006
i was just wanted to say i have yet read your whole story but i hav a 14 year son and his father was a bipolar with schizo tendencies ..i spent a good time of my sons life taking care of my ex husband now and still tryin to allow my son to xperience a much needed normalcy and i did succeed with that ..it took our catholic church and friends and family that gave my son his support system in life..i grew up with a drunk ..my father so i know what it is to be a victim and also a survivor of what i wonder after living with someone with a mental illness..so chronic..and yes i know fear..and i feel i gave everything ihad even who i was to help..and what outcome i was tryin to achieve took me on a long journey to sometimes it was all in vain as far my ex’s illness and what it took from me and now piece by piece i am relearning who i am and the scars i bear make me stronger and i hav learned who i am once again and still..yet i still hav nightmares
15th November 2006
Joy,
I want to say I am so sorry fro not emailing you sooner. My father passed in August and I had the good fortune to be by his side. I miss him so much. I have been working ever since to continue reclaiming my life.
Joy, I have young kids. I want to say to you that I am so very happy you have been there for your son! What an incredible success. I cannot imagine,my children born after my experience, having a child while with the man who was so very ill who almost took my life. You are a hero, Joy. You really are! I hope the nightmares leave you. I have been having some too but only a few.I try to change the lighting in the house when I wake up from one. That seems to help. I am a little afraid at times to actually be taking the steps to grab hold of the rest of my life and stand up and say “Thsi is my life and I will MAKE it a great one with the help of my family and friends and this fantastic website and God.
My heart is with you and again i am sorry it took me sooo long. I really am, Joy.
Kathryn Keats
27th August 2007
This is the place to find help! Montel Williams Show (27th of August) airs today and if you saw it and need help you have come upon the best site for resources in the world. Feel free to reach out here. Amazing people here.
You may also email me and I willl respond immediately but this is the place for healing to begin.
Kathryn Keats
[personal contact details removed]
16th October 2007
I just read this. I realize there is no father to call me Ellen. How I yearn to hear that from his voice. My connection with the ability to integrate my experience is more difficult without the one person who called me Ellen. It never had that odd feeling it has when others call me that. I was his Ellen.
My Dad made me feel like everything was going to be alright. And you know what? He was correct. Everything is going to be just fine.
I love you, Daddy.
Ellen
1st March 2008
hoy inicia a mi hija de 13 años en la lectura del Reader Digest, comenzamos a leer el articulo, primero me preocupe de que mi hija no entendiera pero seguimos la lectura, al terminar nos quedamos en silencio. Ella exclamo pobrecita Ellen pero que valiente, cuando yo tenga un novio si veo que se comporta extraño pedire ayuda..el articulo ha cumplido su cometido alertar y ayudar a otros para prevenir que se repita su historia. Gracias Ellen y cuenta con nuevas amigas!!
26th May 2008
Thank you so much for writing to me. I am glad you read this story with your daughter. It is with great relief that I know you were with your child when she read it. It is with a full heart when I read what you write about her response. My feelings about coming out of hiding and speaking to help others up has taken me on the most profound journey.
Thank you again. Please send my hello’s to your daughter and tell her I am well and happy now with children. My son, Andreas, is 13, as well.
Maybe there will be a day all of our children do take into consideration who they are letting into their hearts. When we have educated them to do this we will have succeeded in protecting them from this kind of harm.
I would like to send your and your daughter a cd so she can see that there is light after the storm. If that is ok please email me and let me know where you would like me to send it.
Again, thank you.
Kathryn Keats
after the silence